Husband Doesn’t Help at Home or With Kids? How to Stop Doing Everything Yourself
Key Takeaways
Feeling like you are doing everything at home is exhausting and can seriously damage your relationship over time.
Unequal household responsibilities are one of the top reasons couples end up in counseling.
Start with an honest conversation about what feels unfair and why it matters to you.
Create a shared task list or system so both partners clearly see what needs to be done and who is doing it.
Agree on non-negotiables—for example, splitting bedtime routines or alternating grocery shopping.
Use tools like the Fair Play documentary to spark deeper conversations about fairness and teamwork at home.
Check in weekly to adjust responsibilities as schedules or needs change, rather than letting resentment build.
Introduction
Does it feel like you’re carrying the whole household on your back? You’re not alone. Many women say things like, “I feel like I do everything around here,” or “He doesn’t help unless I ask (and I hate having to ask).” Maybe your husband expects you to do everything even though you work, and you’re left thinking, How is this fair? It’s exhausting and frustrating, and it can leave you feeling more like a tired caregiver than an equal partner in your marriage.
First, take a deep breath: you’re not imagining the imbalance. If you’re doing the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, and a million other tasks, it’s no wonder you feel burned out. This scenario is incredibly common – and yes, it’s a problem that can be fixed. In this post, we’ll unpack why your husband might not be helping (it’s not always laziness or malice), how this imbalance impacts your relationship and family, and most importantly, what you can do to stop doing everything yourself. You’ll find practical strategies to create a fairer split, communicated in a warm, non-judgmental way. Positive change is possible, and you deserve a more balanced partnership. Let’s dive in.
Why It Feels Like You’re Doing Everything
Picture this: You work a full-time job, yet you’re also the one who cooks dinner, tidies the house, does the laundry, schedules the kids’ doctor appointments, helps with homework, and manages bedtime. Meanwhile, your husband...well, maybe he takes out the trash after you remind him. If this sounds familiar, it’s no surprise you feel like you’re doing everything. Here are some common scenarios that create this feeling:
Double Duty – You put in a full day at work and come home to a “second shift” of housework and childcare. Your partner assumes that because he “works all day,” his job at home is minimal – ignoring that you work all day too.
Default Parent – You are the one keeping track of school events, packing lunches, remembering to buy diapers, and knowing when the next dentist appointment is. For every question the kids have or every need that arises, Mom is the go-to.
Household Manager – Even tasks you ask him to do ultimately stay on your plate. For example, you might ask your husband to handle dinner, but you’re still the one meal-planning, making the grocery list, and telling him how to preheat the oven. It’s like you’re the CEO of the household, and he’s...an intern waiting for instructions.
Why does this happen? A big factor is lingering cultural and gender role expectations. For generations, society expected women to run the home and care for the kids, even if they also held a job. Those old-fashioned norms haven’t fully caught up to modern reality. Studies confirm that even today, women spend roughly twice as much time on childcare and housework as men on average. So if it seems like the deck is stacked, it kind of is – social conditioning runs deep. Your husband might have grown up with a stay-at-home mom who “did it all,” and unconsciously assumed that’s just how families work.
“Carrying the entire load of the household, jobs, parenting, and chores can leave one partner feeling drained and resentful, which is why many couples end up in counseling.”
The emotional impact on you is very real. Constantly juggling work and home leads to burnout. You’re tired to your core. Over time, that exhaustion often turns into resentment: you start thinking, “Why am I the only adult in this house?” It’s hurtful when the person who’s supposed to be your teammate isn’t pulling their weight. You might feel taken for granted, or like you’ve lost part of your identity outside of being a mom and a wife. When you barely have energy for a shower, let alone a hobby or a girls’ night out, it can breed loneliness and anger. And feeling resentful or unappreciated makes it really hard to feel loving and connected with your spouse. An imbalance in household duties isn’t just a logistical issue – it’s an emotional one that can chip away at your relationship if nothing changes.
Why Some Husbands Don’t Help (and It’s Not Always What You Think)
It’s easy to label a partner who doesn’t help as “lazy” or “selfish.” Sometimes we assume he just doesn’t care or respects you less. While that can be true in some cases, often the reasons a husband isn’t helping are more complicated – and more fixable – than you might think. Let’s explore a few common reasons husbands don’t pitch in, beyond the surface-level assumptions:
Lack of Awareness vs. Lack of Willingness
Believe it or not, some husbands truly aren’t aware of how much needs to be done or how overwhelmed you are. It might sound crazy to you (since the evidence of chaos is right there in the overflowing sink and fussy toddler), but many men have a higher “mess tolerance” or simply don’t notice the myriad tasks that you handle automatically. Your husband might think, “Everything seems fine, the kids are alive and the house hasn’t burned down – what’s the problem?” In other words, it could be a lack of awareness, not an outright refusal. On the other hand, some husbands do know things need doing but procrastinate or only do it when asked – possibly because they know you’ll handle it if they don’t. This can come off as lack of willingness or taking advantage. The distinction is important: is he clueless, or is he consciously slacking? The solution will differ depending on which it is.
Upbringing and Past Role Models
Our ideas of “husband and wife roles” don’t form in a vacuum. If your husband grew up in a home where his dad worked and his mom did all the housework, that dynamic might feel normal to him. Maybe his mother never expected him to do chores as a kid, so he didn’t learn how much effort it takes to maintain a home. Or perhaps in a past relationship, things were divided such that he never had to cook or clean, so he’s just continuing that pattern. These upbringing influences don’t excuse his behavior, but they provide context. He might be defaulting to the only model he knows. The good news is, learned behavior can be un-learned. Once he’s aware of it, he can choose to break the cycle and create a new model alongside you.
Miscommunication and Unspoken Expectations
A lot of household imbalance comes down to miscommunication (or no communication at all). You might assume your husband sees what needs to be done and just chooses not to do it. Meanwhile, he might assume you want to handle certain things since you always do, or that you will ask if you need help. Both of you are operating on unspoken expectations. Perhaps you expected him to automatically take out the trash when it’s full (because duh, it’s obvious!), but he thought, “She hasn’t mentioned the trash, so it must not be urgent.” Maybe he’s tuning out your sighs and slamming of cabinets, not realizing those are messages of frustration. Men are not always great at reading between the lines – sometimes you practically need to use skywriting to get a point across. If neither of you has clearly discussed who is responsible for what, your definitions of “balanced” could be miles apart. This lack of clarity can breed resentment on both sides: you feel he should just know, he feels blindsided that you’re upset.
In some cases, the issue might even be maternal gatekeeping – a fancy term for when a mom unintentionally discourages the dad’s involvement. For instance, if early on you found your husband wasn’t folding the laundry “correctly” and you redid it, or you’d grab the baby from him saying “Here, let me do it,” he could have interpreted that as “Okay, she’s got this, my help isn’t needed (or wanted).” Over time, he might have stepped back because he thought you preferred doing it your way. It becomes a vicious cycle: you do it all because he “won’t” – but he won’t because he feels you’ll redo it or it’s not up to your standards. Breaking that cycle requires a bit of honesty on both sides (more on that soon). The bottom line is, your husband’s lack of help might not stem from a place of malice. It could be habit, ignorance of the workload, differing standards, or poor communication. And those things can change once they’re brought into the light.
The Hidden Mental Load Many Women Carry
When we talk about housework and child care, it’s not just the physical tasks that wear you down – it’s also the mental load. What is the mental load? In simple terms, it’s all the invisible planning, organizing, and remembering that goes into managing a family. It’s the running to-do list that lives in your head 24/7. And chances are, if you’re the one doing “everything,” you’re also the default family planner and thinker, carrying a heavy mental load every day.
For example, consider just a regular weekday. Who is the one who keeps track of what size shoes your kids wear and that one of them is about to outgrow their sneakers? Who notices the milk is running low and mentally schedules a grocery stop? Who remembers that little Jake needs to bring a snack for soccer on Tuesday, and that the dog’s annual vet appointment is coming up next month? If you answered “me” to all of the above, that’s the mental load in action. It includes things like:
Keeping a calendar of appointments, school events, birthday parties, and family gatherings, and making sure everyone shows up on time (with a gift or potluck dish in hand, which you also planned).
Meal planning every week – figuring out what’s for dinner each night, noting what groceries are needed, and not forgetting the dietary preferences or allergies of each family member.
Managing the kids’ schedules and needs – knowing who needs a costume for the school play, who has a doctor or dentist check-up coming, whose homework is due tomorrow, and where that missing library book might be.
Household management – remembering to pay the bills on time, scheduling the plumber to fix the leak, changing the air filters, and even noticing that the toilet paper stock is down to the last two rolls (and thus, buying more before an emergency strikes!).
Providing the family’s emotional support – you might be the one who senses when the kids are feeling down or your husband is stressed, and you take on the job of comforting, listening, and smoothing things over so everyone stays happy.
All of this mental juggling is work, even if it’s not visible. It’s like you’re the project manager for Team Family, always anticipating the next need. And it’s draining. The mental load can make you feel exhausted even when you haven’t physically done anything yet, because your brain is constantly “on.” There’s no clocking out when you carry the mental load – you’re lying in bed thinking about the school lunches that need packing or whether you paid the utility bill. This invisible labor often falls on women by default, and many husbands genuinely don’t realize how much mental effort goes into keeping the family operating smoothly. They might notice if laundry or dishes aren’t done, but they may not notice that you were the one keeping track of when to do them, or that you even had to think of it in the first place.
“I often suggest couples watch the Fair Play documentary together. It opens the door for honest conversations about fairness at home in a way that feels relatable, not accusatory.”
Over time, carrying the mental load without relief can lead to serious stress and resentment. It’s not just “a few little tasks” – it’s a constant responsibility that can make you feel like you’re about to drop a hundred spinning plates. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, irritable, or like you can never relax, the mental load is likely a big part of that. Recognizing it is the first step. The next step is sharing that load – which we’ll get to in the solutions. But know this: the mental load counts. Just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean it isn’t real work.
A Great Resource to Watch
One powerful look at this topic is the documentary Fair Play, based on Eve Rodsky’s work. It explores how couples can rebalance household responsibilities in a way that feels fair, not just “equal.” It’s a validating and eye-opening watch that many couples say sparks real change in their relationship.
Fair Play is an eye-opening documentary that dives into the hidden imbalance of household labor and mental load in modern families. Inspired by Eve Rodsky’s bestselling book, it follows real couples as they uncover the silent work that keeps a home running, challenge long-standing gender roles, and create a more balanced partnership. It’s both a wake-up call and a roadmap for couples ready to share the load—and reclaim joy in their relationship.
The Impact on Marriage and Parenting
It’s clear that an imbalance at home makes you feel lousy – but it can also send cracks through your marriage and even affect your kids. Let’s talk about a few big impacts:
Resentment Erodes Your Connection: When one partner (you) is doing most of the work, it’s natural to feel resentful. You might start seeing your husband as another child to take care of, rather than an equal adult partner. It’s hard to feel romantic or affectionate toward someone you’re angry with for leaving their socks on the floor again or playing video games while you bathe the kids. Over time, resentment can create a wall between you. Communication often suffers – you might start snapping at him or giving the cold shoulder. Little comments like “Must be nice to relax” or passive-aggressive sighs from you, and defensive responses from him, can become the norm. This dynamic eats away at the friendship and teamwork that a strong marriage is built on. In the long run, if unresolved, it can lead to serious marital dissatisfaction. Some couples even find themselves inching toward thoughts of separation because the daily life together has become so contentious and unbalanced.
Feeling Like a Parent, Not a Partner: One unpleasant side effect of doing everything is that you may start to feel more like your husband’s mother than his wife. If you’re picking up after him, reminding him of basic duties, or managing all aspects of life, it’s a bit like you’re the “adult” and he’s a dependent. This shift can kill intimacy – both emotional and physical. It’s hard to want to go on a date or be romantic when you spent the day nagging him to do his chores or you’re seething about folding his underwear for the hundredth time. No one wants to sleep with someone who feels like a child or a boss. Losing that sense of being partners in crime, and instead feeling like an exhausted supervisor, can really damage your bond.
Kids Learn What They Live: Think your kids aren’t noticing the imbalance? They likely are, and it’s teaching them about how relationships work. Children are like little sponges; they observe how Mom and Dad interact and share (or don’t share) responsibilities. If they see Mom doing all the housework while Dad lounges or resists, they’re learning a lesson: that moms/women are supposed to do the domestic work and dads/men get a pass. This modeling is powerful. A daughter might internalize that it’s a woman’s role to martyr herself for the family, and she could grow up to repeat the pattern in her own future relationships. A son might learn that men can coast when it comes to home life, because “Mom will handle it.” Alternatively, the kids might grow to resent Dad for not being more involved or to resent Mom for always being stressed and less available for fun. They might also sense the tension between you two, which can make them anxious or guilty (kids often blame themselves for parents’ unhappiness). In short, an unequal partnership at home can set a template your kids may follow – unless they see you work together to change it.
Long-Term Relationship Strain: Inequity in household duties might start as a minor annoyance, but over years it can become a major gulf between partners. You may find you stop asking for help because “what’s the point,” and start doing your own thing, slowly drifting apart. Emotional intimacy fades when one partner feels undervalued and the other feels nagged or criticized. This can also spill into your parenting teamwork – you might not trust your husband with tasks or decisions regarding the kids because he hasn’t been pulling his weight, leading you to take even more control (and workload) on yourself. That, in turn, may make him feel shut out, so he withdraws further. It’s a vicious cycle. Eventually, you might only communicate about logistics and lose the camaraderie and empathy that make a marriage happy.
The good news is that shining a light on this imbalance and actively working to fix it will benefit everyone. Your marriage can become stronger and more loving when both partners feel respected and needed. And your kids will benefit tremendously from seeing their parents function as a team. They’ll learn that cooperation, not resentment, is the norm. So although the current impact might be negative, it’s within your power (together with your husband) to turn things around – and the effort will be so worth it.
How to Talk About It Without Starting a Fight
Bringing up the “You don’t help enough” conversation can feel like walking through a minefield. Perhaps you’ve tried before and it blew up into an argument, or he got defensive and it went nowhere. It is a tough topic – but it’s also crucial to address. How you start the conversation can make all the difference. Here are some tips for discussing the imbalance calmly and productively, without it devolving into a blame game:
Pick the Right Moment: Timing is key. Don’t start this conversation in the middle of a chaotic morning or when either of you is already irritated. Choose a relatively calm time when neither of you is exhausted or distracted. Maybe after the kids are asleep, when you can sit together without immediate stress. You might open with, “Hey, can we chat about something that’s been on my mind? I want us to work better as a team.” Setting a cooperative tone from the start helps.
Use “I Feel” Statements: This classic communication tip really works. Frame the problem in terms of how you feel, not what he’s doing wrong. For example, instead of snapping “You never help around the house,” you could say, “I feel overwhelmed and burnt out. I need more help with chores and the kids because I’m struggling to do it all.” This way, you’re expressing your feelings and needs, not just attacking him. It comes across as seeking a solution together rather than accusing.
Avoid Blame and Global Statements: Try not to use phrases like “You always leave everything to me” or “I’m the only one who ever does anything.” Those absolute terms (“always,” “never”) tend to put people on the defensive. Stick to specific examples and keep your tone as non-accusatory as possible. Instead of “You never do laundry right,” try “It would help me a lot if you could take charge of the laundry each week. Can we figure out a system for that?” Focus on the outcome you want (shared responsibility) rather than labeling him as the bad guy. Remember, the goal is to solve the problem, not to win an argument.
Acknowledge Any Contributions: If there are any areas where your husband does help (even if it’s just that one trash duty or he’s the one who deals with the car maintenance), acknowledge those. You might say, “I really appreciate that you always handle bath time,” or “I know you take care of mowing the lawn, and that helps.” Positive reinforcement can soften the conversation. It shows him you see what he does do, and you’re not just viewing him as a total failure. Then you can segue into, “We still have a lot on my plate that I need help with, though.” It’s easier for him to hear that after a bit of appreciation.
Frame It as Teamwork: Emphasize that it’s us against the problem, not you against him. You might say, “I want us to feel like partners who’ve got each other’s backs. Right now, I’m drowning in responsibilities, and I know that’s not good for either of us or the kids. Can we figure out a better way to tackle this together?” When he sees that you’re not just attacking him but rather inviting him to collaborate on a solution, he’s less likely to shut down. The idea is to convey, I love you and I know we can do better together.
Listen to His Perspective: This part is hard, especially when you’re feeling hurt. But once you’ve said your piece, give him a chance to respond and really listen. He might initially get defensive or offer excuses like “I do work hard at my job” or “I didn’t know you felt this way.” Try not to immediately counter with “But you don’t understand—”. Acknowledge what he says: “I hear you that work has been stressful” or “I get that you didn’t realize I was feeling this way.” Then bring it back to, “What can we do going forward so it’s not all on me?” Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with excuses; it means you’re showing him respect as a partner. In turn, ask for his respect for your feelings.
Be Specific and Concrete: Vague pleas like “I need more help around here” might not register if he doesn’t intuitively see what needs doing. It often helps to mention a few specific tasks that are overwhelming you. For example, “Could you be in charge of doing the dishes every night after dinner? That would take a huge load off me,” or “Let’s alternate putting the kids to bed so we each get some nights off.” Having clear asks or suggestions gives him a foothold on how to change. If you keep it too general, he might genuinely be at a loss about where to start, or think everything’s fine except you’re just generally unhappy (which isn’t actionable).
Approaching the conversation with empathy and clarity can prevent it from turning into a fight. Remember to keep your tone as calm as possible – if things get heated, it’s okay to take a pause and revisit later. You might even write down what you want to say beforehand if you’re nervous, to help you stay on track. The goal is to open his eyes to the issue without triggering a defensive shutdown. If you can get through the initial talk with mutual understanding (even if he’s a bit surprised or chagrined), you’re on your way to positive changes.
Practical Ways to Create Balance
Talking is a huge first step, but what comes next? Let’s say your conversation (or series of conversations) leads to an agreement that things need to be more balanced. How exactly do you make that happen in day-to-day life? Below are some practical strategies to stop being the do-it-all spouse and create a fair division of labor at home. These tips are concrete and actionable – consider trying a combination that fits your family:
Make a List of Everything (and Divide It Up): Sit down together and write out all the household and kid-related tasks either of you can think of. Include daily jobs (like cooking, washing dishes), weekly chores (laundry, vacuuming, mowing the lawn), and monthly or occasional tasks (paying bills, scheduling car maintenance, buying kids’ clothes). Don’t forget the “invisible” tasks we discussed (like remembering birthdays or keeping track of school forms). Seeing the entire load spelled out can be eye-opening for a husband who wasn’t aware of it all. Once you have the list, decide who will handle what. Aim for an equitable split – not necessarily 50/50 every single day, but balanced overall. Maybe he genuinely doesn’t mind doing laundry and you hate it, so he takes that on, and you handle something he dislikes in return. Play to your strengths and preferences when possible. The key is that both of you have several areas of responsibility that you own, rather than one person “helping” the other. Post this division of chores somewhere visible or keep it in a shared digital doc so it’s clear and there’s accountability.
Use a Shared Calendar or App for Tasks: A practical way to share the mental load is to use tools that keep you both on the same page. This could be a wall calendar in the kitchen where you write down who’s doing what on which day (from “Trash night – his job” to “Pediatrician appointment – her job to take kid”). Or consider a digital solution: there are family organizer apps and task-sharing tools (like Trello, Asana, or even just Google Calendar and Keep) where you can assign tasks with due dates. For example, create a shared grocery list that either of you can add to and either of you can tackle when you have time. If tech isn’t your thing, even a simple dry-erase board with daily to-dos can help. The point is to get tasks out of your head and into a system where both partners can see them. This way, it’s not on you to remember and remind – the responsibility becomes more mutual. It might feel a bit business-like at first, but hey, running a household is a business in many ways! Over time, using these tools can make coordination much smoother and prevent things from falling through the cracks (or being only your job to manage).
Assign Ownership (Not “Helping”): This is a mindset shift as much as an action. When you divide tasks, frame them as “domains” each person owns. For instance, if cooking dinner is his domain on weeknights, that means he plans the menu, cooks, and cleans up – start to finish. You’re not his manager overseeing it; it’s his job just like it would be if he lived alone. If you take on, say, managing all the kids’ school paperwork, then he doesn’t have to think about that because you’ve got it – but in exchange, maybe he’s in charge of all yard work and maintaining the cars. By owning specific tasks or areas, each of you becomes the point person for those things. This eliminates the dynamic of one person “helping” the other (which subtly implies it’s really one person’s responsibility and the other is just doing favors). Instead, you each have direct responsibilities. You can certainly assist each other when needed – teamwork is flexible – but the baseline expectation is set. If something is your husband’s domain, you don’t have to mentally track it anymore. That relief is huge.
Be Willing to Let Him Do It His Way: When your husband starts taking on more, resist the urge to micromanage or correct him (unless it’s a safety issue, like he’s about to sanitize the baby’s bottle with bleach or something!). This is hard, I know. You’ve been running things a certain way for a long time. Maybe you fold towels in neat thirds and he just…folds them in a lumpy square. Maybe your way of getting the kids to bed is a 5-step routine and his way is popcorn and a late pajama scramble. As long as the tasks are getting done and the kids are safe and cared for, bite your tongue and let him do it. If every time he attempts a chore you swoop in and say “No, not like that,” he will lose any motivation to keep helping. He needs the space to figure out his own rhythm and methods. The towels may not look perfect, the dinner he cooks might be takeout pizza sometimes – it’s okay. Thank him for handling it and don’t redo it behind his back (trust me, he’ll notice and it sends the message that he failed). Over time, he’ll likely get better at the tasks with practice, and you’ll get more comfortable with his style. Remember, partnership isn’t about everything being done your way; it’s about sharing the load, even if the results have a different flair.
Set Routines and Rotate When Needed: For households with many repetitive chores, establishing a routine can help solidify the new balance. For example, maybe you agree that he will always do the morning routine with the kids (breakfast, getting them dressed for school) and you’ll handle pick-up and homework time. Or you take turns – he does mornings on Monday, Wednesday, Friday; you do Tuesday, Thursday. Routines remove the need for daily negotiations or reminders. It becomes just “how things are done.” For chores that neither of you particularly enjoy, try a rotation. Maybe you hate cleaning bathrooms and so does he – so you agree to swap monthly or weekly. Knowing that if you scrubbed toilets this week, he’ll do it next week, can reduce resentment. It also shows fairness; you’re both willing to do the grubby jobs, just not all the time. If one partner absolutely loathes a task and the other doesn’t mind it as much, consider an exchange: “I’ll permanently take chore A if you permanently take chore B.” Tailor it to what makes sense in your marriage. The key is consistency and clarity, so it doesn’t revert to you by default.
Get the Kids Involved (Age Appropriately): If you have children, even young ones, remember that you two aren’t the only capable people in the house! Teaching kids to help not only lightens your load a bit, but it’s also good for them. Toddlers can put toys back in bins, grade-schoolers can feed the pet or clear their dishes, pre-teens can start doing simple meal prep or vacuuming, and teenagers can do pretty much everything an adult can (laundry, mowing, cooking basic meals, etc.). This doesn’t mean turning the kids into full-time helpers, but rather making everyone a contributing member of the household team. It also sends the message that Mom isn’t the default servant for everyone. Important: make sure both you and your husband enforce the kids’ responsibilities together. If you set a chore chart for the kids, your husband should be just as involved in reminding and reinforcing it. This again shows that both parents have authority and responsibility – not just you. Plus, having kids see Dad do chores and expect them to do chores too creates a healthy model of shared effort. It can actually be fun – maybe Saturday mornings become family-clean-up hour with music on, everyone doing their part. Starting this early prevents the “Mom does everything” pattern from being the only thing they know.
Regular Check-Ins and Adjustments: Achieving balance isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s a bit of an ongoing project, especially at first. Plan to have short weekly check-ins (or whatever frequency works) to talk about how the new arrangements are going. Maybe Sunday night you chat for 10 minutes: “How did this week feel? Did the chore split work? Anything we need to adjust?” Perhaps you’ll find out that he actually doesn’t mind doing the grocery shopping if you take the kids to soccer in exchange, or vice versa. Be open to shifting tasks around until you find a groove that works. Also, life changes – a new baby, a new job, a kid starting school – these can all throw off the balance and require renegotiating duties. If you keep the communication open, you can adapt together instead of sliding back into old habits. And if you catch yourselves slipping (like he’s “forgotten” to do his tasks three days in a row, or you’ve started taking everything on again out of habit), address it sooner rather than later, before resentment builds up again. Think of it as ongoing teamwork tuning.
Implementing these practical steps might feel a bit awkward at first, especially if you’ve been stuck in your roles for years. But consistency is key. Once you both get used to the new normal, it will start to feel more natural. You may even find that your husband enjoys some of his new responsibilities (or at least enjoys seeing you less stressed). Creating balance is not just about fairness; it’s about both partners feeling competent, valued, and involved in the family. It can really transform the atmosphere in your home for the better.
When Conversations Don’t Work
So what if you’ve tried talking, you’ve attempted to divvy up tasks, and your husband still isn’t following through? Unfortunately, not every situation resolves neatly with a heart-to-heart and a chore chart. If you’re hitting a brick wall, here are some next steps to consider:
1. Set Boundaries and Let Some Balls Drop: This is essentially a form of tough love. If your husband isn’t responding to conversations, you may need to clarify what you will and won’t do going forward. For instance, you might calmly tell him, “I will not continue doing [X thing] by myself. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done.” Then (and this is the hard part) follow through. Stop doing that thing and let the natural consequences play out. An example: If you usually handle all the laundry, including his, and he’s not stepping up, you stop washing his clothes. When he runs out of clean shirts, he’ll definitely notice. Or if you always cook dinner, you might set a boundary that on certain nights he is responsible – and if he doesn’t cook, then maybe it’s cereal or sandwiches, but you’re not going to whip up a meal after a long day when it was his turn. This isn’t about being petty or “teaching him a lesson” like he’s a child; it’s about enforcing the idea that you are serious about not doing everything. Sometimes, people don’t change until the pain of the status quo gets high enough. When he experiences the fallout of tasks not done (messy house, no clean socks, hungry kids asking him “What’s for dinner, Dad?”), he may finally recognize how much you were covering and why he needs to contribute.
2. Reiterate Your Needs Clearly (No Nagging, Just Stating): If he’s tuning you out because he perceives you as nagging, try a different approach. Pick a calm moment and very straightforwardly say, “This is really important to me: I need you to take on more responsibility in our home. I’m at my limit. It’s affecting how I feel about our relationship.” Sometimes putting it in relationship terms (“this is hurting our marriage”) can get his attention more than just “the house is messy.” Be firm but not hostile. You can even write a letter if talking always turns to fighting – write out how you feel and what you need, let him read it, and give him time to digest it. He might respond better to that than an in-person talk if he tends to get defensive face-to-face. The key is to express the seriousness of the situation without yelling or belittling. You want to convey, I love you, but I cannot continue like this.
3. Consider Couples Therapy: If you’re not making progress on your own, it might be time to bring in a professional. Couples therapy isn’t just for when infidelity or huge crises happen – it can be incredibly useful for exactly this kind of issue. A licensed therapist (like a marriage and family therapist) can help mediate the conversation in a safe space. Sometimes hearing from a neutral third party that “this imbalance is damaging your marriage” can wake a person up more than hearing it from their spouse (sad but true). A therapist can also teach you both better communication skills. Perhaps your frustration is coming out as contempt, or his response is coming out as stonewalling – counselors are trained to spot those patterns and help you break them. In therapy, you can work on practical plans for sharing duties, but also any underlying emotional stuff: maybe he finally admits he feels insecure doing certain parenting tasks, or you express how hurt you are feeling unseen. Think of therapy as guided teamwork coaching. If your husband is hesitant, frame it as “We deserve to get some help together so we can be happier; it’s not about blaming you, it’s about improving our partnership.” Many couples are surprised at how effective a few months of counseling can be in changing long-term patterns.
4. Look for Deeper Issues: Sometimes, a persistent refusal to help or a total lack of empathy from your partner can signal something more serious. For example, is it possible your husband is struggling with depression or another mental health issue that makes him lethargic and unmotivated? Is there an addiction (to video games, substances, etc.) that’s causing him to check out of family life? Or, on the darker side, is he simply exhibiting a lack of respect and entitlement – expecting to be taken care of like a king? While we shouldn’t jump to worst-case conclusions, it’s important to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself: If he outright won’t try to change, what does that mean? In a loving partnership, when one person expresses that something is hurting them, the other person ideally cares and makes an effort. If he consistently dismisses your concerns (“You’re overreacting, it’s fine, stop nagging me”) and nothing improves, you may be dealing with a partner who doesn’t see you as an equal or doesn’t value your well-being as he should. That might require a deeper reckoning. This could mean more intensive therapy to address those attitudes, or in some cases, you might start to consider if this imbalance is something you can live with long-term or not. That’s a very personal decision, and not one to make lightly or in the heat of anger. But recognize that a pattern of disregard for your needs can erode your self-esteem and happiness. You deserve a partner, not a dependent.
5. Build Your Support System: While you work through this (or if you’re deciding what to do next), make sure you’re not isolated. Talk to friends or family (especially those who might have gone through similar issues – you’d be surprised how many have). Sometimes just hearing “Oh yes, we struggled with that and here’s what helped us,” can give you hope and ideas. Other times, venting to a sympathetic friend can relieve some pressure so you’re not exploding at your husband out of pent-up rage. If therapy with your husband isn’t an option right now, consider individual therapy for yourself. It can help you cope with the stress, build confidence to set boundaries, and clarify your feelings. Plus, having someone validate that what you’re feeling is real and important (which a good therapist will) can be empowering.
When conversations and homegrown solutions don’t seem to work, it doesn’t automatically mean all is lost. It just means you might need outside help or a new approach. The road to an equal partnership can be bumpy, especially if your husband is resistant to change. But plenty of couples have come back from the brink when they finally addressed the root issues. Don’t be afraid to use the resources available – whether that’s a counselor, a trusted friend, or community resources. And remember your worth: you deserve respect and support. If you’re consistently not getting that, it’s absolutely okay to draw a line and insist on change.
Final Thoughts
Feeling like you have to “do it all” in a marriage is disheartening and draining. But please hear this: change is possible. You do not have to resign yourself to a lifetime of being the default parent/housekeeper while resentment simmers inside you. Many couples have successfully shifted from imbalance to a much more equitable, happy partnership – it can be done! It often starts with an honest, heartfelt conversation and a willingness on both sides to try something new. Remember that you and your husband ultimately want the same thing: a loving home and a strong family. Framing the issue as a mutual challenge you two can solve together can bring you closer rather than driving you apart.
It might take time, and you both might slip up along the way, but small changes add up. Each time your husband takes initiative on a task or each time you let go of a bit of control and let him handle it, you’re building new habits. Over weeks and months, those new habits can become your “new normal.” You may find yourself feeling lighter, more respected, and more connected to your partner as the weight lifts off you. And your husband may discover that being an actively involved partner and dad is rewarding and brings you two more in sync.
If you’re struggling to get the ball rolling or you’ve hit a stalemate, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. Sometimes having a couples therapist guide the process is the best decision you can make. As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve helped many couples navigate this exact issue. It’s amazing to see a relationship transform when both people feel heard and the workload evens out. At South Denver Therapy, we’re here to support you and your partner in creating the balanced, loving home life you both deserve. You don’t have to do this alone – whether it’s enlisting your husband’s help or a therapist’s, support is available.
You’re clearly a caring, strong individual to have carried so much for so long. Now it’s time to care for you by ensuring you’re not carrying it all by yourself. Change might be challenging, but it’s absolutely worth it. Your marriage – and your own well-being – will thank you for taking these steps. Good luck, and remember that you deserve a partner who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with you in every sense. Balance is possible, and you’re worthy of it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I get my husband to help without nagging?
A: When your husband doesn’t help at home unless you remind him, it can feel exhausting. Be specific about the task, explain why it matters, and agree on a set time for him to do it. For example, instead of saying, “I need you to help more,” try, “Could you please handle the dinner dishes tonight because I have to put the kids to bed?” Once you both agree, give him the space to do it his way within the agreed timeframe. Using a shared to-do list or calendar can also help avoid constant verbal reminders — he can see what needs to be done and check it off, which removes you from the role of daily “task manager.”
Q: What if my husband gets defensive when I bring it up?
A: If your husband won’t help with kids or chores and becomes defensive, it’s important to pick the right moment. Choose a calm time to talk and lead with how you feel instead of what he’s doing wrong. For example: “I love you, and I’m feeling overwhelmed handling everything at home. I need us to figure out a better balance because I’m at a breaking point.” This keeps the focus on teamwork rather than blame. If he stays defensive, consider couples therapy so a neutral third party can help both of you communicate without judgment.
Q: Can therapy really help with this issue?
A: Yes — therapy can be a game-changer if your husband doesn’t help at home or with kids. A couples therapist can help improve communication, set clear expectations, and address any deeper patterns causing the imbalance. Many couples enter therapy with one partner feeling like they “do everything” and leave with a better understanding of each other and a fairer division of responsibilities. It’s not magic — both partners have to commit to change — but it’s like hiring a personal trainer for your relationship: you still have to do the work, but you get guidance and accountability.
Q: What is the “mental load” in a relationship?
A: The mental load is the invisible labor of managing a household and kids — planning, remembering, organizing, and worrying about the details. If your husband doesn’t help with kids’ schedules or household planning, you might be carrying this load alone. This could mean remembering school events, planning meals, or keeping track of bills — all without being asked. Sharing the mental load is just as important as splitting physical chores, because carrying all of it yourself can lead to burnout.
Q: How can I tell if this is just about chores or a bigger relationship problem?
A: If your husband doesn’t help at home after you’ve calmly explained how you feel, it might be more than a chore issue. Dismissive responses like, “That’s your job” or consistent refusal to help could point to deeper problems like entitlement, outdated gender role expectations, or lack of respect. If he’s willing but forgetful, that’s frustrating but often fixable with systems and habits. If he refuses to try, it may be time to look at the overall health of the relationship and possibly get professional help.
Q: What if my husband says he’s “too busy” to help?
A: When your husband says he’s too busy to help at home, it’s time to look at the bigger picture. Compare schedules together and see if certain tasks can be swapped, shared, or simplified. Life gets busy for everyone, but in a healthy partnership, both people pitch in — especially during stressful seasons.
Q: How can I get him to notice what needs to be done without me asking?
A: If your husband doesn’t notice when something needs to be done, the solution is making the invisible visible. Use a whiteboard, sticky notes, or a shared app so he can see tasks in real time. Over time, this builds awareness so you’re not always pointing things out or feeling like the house manager.
Q: What if he helps but complains the whole time?
A: If your husband helps but complains, it can still feel like you’re carrying the emotional load. Let him know that constant grumbling makes you feel unsupported. You might say, “I appreciate you taking out the trash, but the complaining makes it feel like a chore for me too.” Reframing the task as something you both benefit from — not just helping you — can shift the attitude.
Q: How do I stop feeling resentful when I’m doing more?
A: If your husband doesn’t help with kids or around the house, resentment can build quickly. Don’t bottle it up — communicate how you feel, ask for acknowledgment of what you do, and make sure you have personal time that’s truly yours. Even small changes, like him taking over one recurring task entirely, can lighten your load and help you feel more appreciated.
Kayla Crane, M.A., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of South Denver Therapy. She specializes in helping couples improve communication, rebalance responsibilities, and reconnect as a team. If you’re struggling with an imbalance in your relationship, South Denver Therapy is here to support you. Reach out to learn more about our couples counseling services.
