Attachment Style Quiz

What Is an Attachment Style?

Your attachment style is like a blueprint for how you show up in relationships. It shapes the way you connect, communicate, and handle conflict with romantic partners, friends, and family members. Most people don't even realize they have one until something goes wrong in a relationship and they start asking "why do I always do this?"

Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth through her "Strange Situation" research with infants and caregivers. What started as a way to understand baby-parent bonding has since become one of the most powerful tools for understanding adult relationships. Today, attachment research is used by relationship therapists, couples counselors, and psychologists worldwide.

The basic idea? The way your caregivers responded to your needs as a child created patterns that you carry into adult relationships. If your parents were consistently warm and available, you probably feel pretty secure in relationships. If they were hot-and-cold or emotionally distant, you might find yourself feeling anxious or pulling away when things get close.

The good news is that attachment styles aren't set in stone. With awareness and the right support, people move toward secure attachment all the time. That's actually one of the main goals in couples therapy - helping partners understand each other's attachment needs and create a more secure bond together.

The Four Attachment Styles Explained

Researchers have identified four main attachment styles that show up in adult relationships. Most people lean toward one primary style, though you might recognize bits of yourself in more than one. Here's what each looks like in real life:

How Does Attachment Style Affect Relationships?

Your attachment style shows up in pretty much every close relationship you have - from who you're attracted to, to how you fight, to whether you feel satisfied in your relationships. Here's how each style tends to play out:

One of the most common relationship patterns we see in couples counseling is the anxious-avoidant dance. One partner pursues closeness while the other pulls away, which makes the anxious partner pursue even harder, which makes the avoidant partner pull away even more. It's a painful cycle, but once couples understand what's happening, they can start to break it.

How Attachment Styles Form

Your attachment style started forming before you could even talk. When you cried as a baby, did your caregivers come quickly and comfort you? Were they sometimes there and sometimes not? Were they scary or unpredictable? Your little brain was paying attention and learning what to expect from relationships.

Here's how early experiences typically shape each style:

Secure attachment usually develops when caregivers are consistent, warm, and responsive. The child learns "when I have a need, someone will help me meet it." This becomes the foundation for trusting others.

Anxious attachment often forms when caregiving is inconsistent. Sometimes the parent is attuned and available, other times they're distracted or unavailable. The child learns to amp up their distress signals to get attention, and this pattern carries into adult relationships.

Avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of the child's needs. The child learns to suppress their needs and rely on themselves. "I don't need anyone" becomes a protective strategy.

Disorganized attachment usually results from frightening or chaotic caregiving, often involving abuse, neglect, or a parent's own unresolved trauma. The child faces an impossible dilemma - the person who should be their safe haven is also a source of fear. This creates the push-pull pattern seen in adult relationships.

Can Your Attachment Style Change?

Yes - and this is the part that gives people hope. Attachment styles are patterns, not permanent personality traits. Research shows that about 25% of people naturally shift their attachment style over time, usually becoming more secure through positive relationship experiences.

But you don't have to just wait and hope for the best. Intentional work on attachment can speed up the process significantly. Here's what helps:

Therapy. Working with a therapist who understands attachment (like those trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy or EMDR) can help you understand your patterns and develop more secure ways of relating. Individual therapy can address the roots of insecure attachment, while couples therapy helps you create a more secure bond with your partner.

A secure partner. Being in a relationship with someone who has secure attachment can actually help you become more secure over time. Their consistent, reliable presence starts to rewire what you expect from relationships.

Self-awareness. Just knowing your attachment style is a huge first step. Once you can name the pattern, you can catch yourself in the moment and make different choices. "Oh, I'm doing that thing where I pull away because I'm scared" or "I'm getting anxious and about to send 12 texts."

Practice. Healing attachment takes repetition. You need many experiences of reaching out for connection and having it go well. This builds new neural pathways and slowly shifts your baseline expectations about relationships.

Tips for Each Attachment Style

If You're Anxiously Attached:

Your superpower is your attunement to relationships - you notice things others miss. The growth edge is learning to self-soothe and trust that connection will be there even when you can't see constant evidence of it. Try practicing sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty without immediately seeking reassurance. Name your feelings out loud: "I notice I'm feeling anxious right now." Journal about what you actually need versus what your anxiety is telling you to do.

If You're Avoidantly Attached:

Your superpower is your independence and ability to stay calm under pressure. The growth edge is letting yourself need people and staying present when emotions run high. Try small experiments with vulnerability - share something you normally keep private, or stay in a difficult conversation 5 minutes longer than you want to. Notice when you're using distance as a defense rather than a genuine need for space.

If You Have Disorganized Attachment:

Your experience has made you incredibly resilient and often deeply empathic. The growth edge is regulating your nervous system so closeness doesn't feel so overwhelming. Trauma-informed approaches like EMDR therapy can be especially helpful. Focus on building safety in your body first, then in relationships. Go slow - rushing intimacy usually backfires.

How Couples Therapy Helps Attachment Issues

When couples come to therapy because of constant fighting, emotional distance, or trust issues, attachment is usually at the root. One partner doesn't feel secure, so they either pursue harder or withdraw further, which triggers the other partner's attachment system, and around and around it goes.

In couples counseling, we help partners:

Understand the pattern, not blame each other. When you can see the anxious-avoidant dance or the criticize-withdraw cycle as a pattern you're both caught in, it takes the blame off either person. You're not broken - you're stuck in a loop, and loops can be interrupted.

Recognize attachment needs underneath the conflict. Most fights aren't really about the dishes or the budget. They're about "do you see me?" and "can I count on you?" Learning to name and validate these deeper needs changes everything.

Create new, corrective experiences. The antidote to insecure attachment is repeated experiences of reaching for your partner and having them respond. In therapy, we create moments where partners can practice this in a supported way, building new neural pathways for security.

Heal old wounds. Sometimes attachment injuries from the relationship itself (like infidelity or a major betrayal) need specific attention. Infidelity therapy and affair recovery work addresses these wounds directly so couples can rebuild trust.

Attachment Style and Dating

Your attachment style doesn't just affect existing relationships - it shapes who you're attracted to in the first place. And unfortunately, the patterns don't always lead you toward healthy matches.

Anxiously attached people often find avoidant partners exciting and mysterious. The emotional unavailability triggers their pursuit system and can feel like passion. Meanwhile, avoidant people may be drawn to anxious partners because their openness and expressiveness doesn't require the avoidant person to initiate emotional intimacy.

This anxious-avoidant pairing is incredibly common - and incredibly painful. Each person's attachment system brings out the worst in the other. The anxious partner's need for closeness feels suffocating to the avoidant partner, whose pulling away feels like rejection to the anxious partner.

Here's the thing: awareness is power. Once you know your attachment style, you can:

• Recognize when you're attracted to someone for unhealthy reasons
• Notice red flags earlier in dating
• Intentionally seek out more secure partners
• Work on your own patterns so you can sustain a healthy relationship

For couples who are engaged or seriously dating, premarital counseling is a great opportunity to understand your attachment dynamics before you tie the knot. It's much easier to address these patterns when you're not already in crisis.

Frequently Asked Questions About Attachment Styles

Free Resources for Understanding Attachment

Want to learn more? Check out these free resources:

• Couples Journal & Worksheets - Communication exercises for couples
• What Are Attachment Styles? - Our comprehensive guide
• Secure Attachment Style - In-depth look at healthy attachment
• Anxious Attachment Style - Understanding preoccupied attachment
• Avoidant Attachment Style - Understanding dismissive patterns
• Disorganized Attachment Style - The fearful-avoidant pattern

About This Quiz

Created in consultation with Kayla Crane, LMFT | SART-Trained Couples Therapist

This attachment style quiz is based on the ECR-12 (Experiences in Close Relationships Scale - 12 Item), a validated research instrument used by psychologists and relationship researchers worldwide. While no online quiz can replace a thorough clinical assessment, this tool can give you valuable insight into your relationship patterns.

Kayla specializes in couples counseling at our Castle Rock office, with advanced training in affair recovery (SART) and attachment-focused therapy. She helps couples understand their attachment dynamics and build stronger, more secure bonds.

Serving Castle Rock, Denver, and All of Colorado

South Denver Therapy offers couples counseling, individual therapy, and EMDR therapy at our Castle Rock offices. We also see clients throughout Colorado via online therapy. Whether you're in Denver, Colorado Springs, Aurora, Centennial, Highlands Ranch, Parker, or anywhere else in the state, we can help you understand your attachment patterns and build healthier relationships.

Our Castle Rock offices are conveniently located for clients from Douglas County communities including Castle Pines, Lone Tree, Littleton, and the greater south Denver area. We specialize in couples therapy, affair recovery, and trauma-informed approaches like EMDR.

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