Red Flags in a Relationship: 15 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
Key Takeaways
Small warning signs matter. Relationships rarely end from one big event. More often, they unravel due to subtle patterns that go unnoticed and unaddressed.
Red flags can be easy to miss. These include controlling behavior, poor communication, constant criticism, emotional withdrawal, and more.
Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. A healthy partnership is built on trust, respect, safety, and open communication. An unhealthy one chips away at your confidence, drains your energy, and leaves you feeling “less than.”
Why they happen. Common roots include unhealed trauma, insecure attachment, learned behaviors, or power imbalances.
Act early. Setting boundaries, seeking therapy, and trusting your instincts give you the best chance to protect your relationship and emotional well-being.
You have options. Some red flags can be resolved with mutual effort, while others may be signs it’s time to step away for your own safety and happiness.
Introduction
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have spent years helping couples strengthen their connection and navigate the challenges that can strain even the most loving relationships. In that time, I’ve learned that relationships rarely fall apart because of one dramatic event. More often, it’s the small, easily overlooked warning signs that slowly chip away at trust and closeness. When these subtle red flags are ignored, they can quietly grow into major problems.
Recognizing these signs early is not about being overly cautious. It is about protecting your emotional well-being and creating a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual care. By spotting potential problems sooner, you give yourself the best chance to address them before they erode the connection you truly want.
“The earlier you notice and address red flags, the more power you have to change the direction of your relationship.”
What Makes a Relationship “Unhealthy”?
A healthy relationship is a true partnership. You both feel safe to be yourselves, speak openly without fear of judgment, and work through disagreements with respect. You celebrate each other’s wins and offer support during setbacks. Even when you disagree, you know your partner is on your side.
An unhealthy relationship, on the other hand, slowly chips away at your sense of self. You might feel anxious before bringing up certain topics, constantly second-guess your words, or find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do wrong. Over time, you may start to feel drained, disconnected, or “less than.” These relationships often involve power imbalances, manipulation, emotional neglect, or a lack of respect.
For example, if one partner makes all the major decisions without considering the other’s opinion, dismisses their feelings, or uses guilt to control their actions, that’s a sign the balance is off. Other signs can be subtle, like a partner frequently interrupting, “forgetting” important conversations, or withdrawing affection when upset.
Not every rough patch means a relationship is doomed. Even the healthiest couples argue or go through stressful seasons. The key difference is whether the negative patterns are consistent, harmful, and met with resistance when you try to address them. In healthy relationships, both people are willing to reflect, take responsibility, and work toward change. In unhealthy ones, attempts to talk about concerns are ignored, minimized, or turned back on you.
15 Red Flags in a Relationship or Marriage
Here’s what to look out for and why these signs matter.
1. Controlling Behavior
If your partner insists on deciding what you wear, who you see, or how you spend your free time, that is not love. It is control. Healthy relationships respect autonomy. If you start feeling like you need permission to live your life, that is a red flag. Example: Your partner gets angry if you make plans with a friend without asking them first.
2. Lack of Respect or Trust
Relationships thrive on trust. If your partner questions your honesty without reason, ignores your boundaries, or dismisses your opinions, that is a breakdown of respect. Over time, this erodes intimacy and safety. Example: They scroll through your phone messages without asking because they “just want to check.”
3. Poor Communication
Disagreements are normal, but if every conversation turns into yelling, blame, or avoidance, you are not resolving anything. Healthy couples talk through conflict and seek solutions, even when it is uncomfortable. Example: When you bring up an issue, they storm out of the room instead of talking it through.
4. Constant Criticism or Devaluing Comments
Joking at your expense, nitpicking daily habits, or insulting your abilities all add up. Over time, this can make you doubt your worth and question whether you are “good enough.” Example: They mock the way you cook in front of friends, even after you have asked them to stop.
5. Gaslighting or Manipulation
Gaslighting makes you doubt your memory, feelings, or sanity. If you are told “you are too sensitive” or “that never happened” when you know it did, your partner is dismissing your reality. This is emotional abuse in disguise. Example: You remind them of something hurtful they said, and they insist you imagined it.
6. Isolation from Friends and Family
If your partner complains when you see friends or pressures you to cut ties with family, it is a control tactic. Isolation creates dependence, making it harder to leave. Example: They repeatedly tell you your best friend is a bad influence so you will stop spending time with them.
7. Excessive Jealousy or Possessiveness
A little jealousy is normal. But constant suspicion, checking your phone, or policing your whereabouts is toxic. This is about ownership, not love. Example: They text you constantly while you are out, asking for proof of where you are.
8. Stonewalling or Emotional Withdrawal
Shutting down during conflict might seem like keeping the peace, but it blocks resolution. Emotional withdrawal can feel like abandonment in the middle of an argument. Example: You try to discuss a problem and they sit in silence, refusing to engage for hours or even days.
9. Love-Bombing or Bread-Crumbing
Love-bombing is overwhelming affection early on only to pull away later. Bread-crumbing is giving just enough attention to keep you hooked. Example: After days of ignoring your texts, they suddenly send a grand romantic message.
10. Defensiveness or Refusing to Apologize
If your partner refuses to admit when they are wrong or turns the blame back on you, it is impossible to resolve issues. Example: You tell them their words hurt you, and they respond with, “Well, you made me say it.”
11. Emotional or Physical Abuse
Any kind of abuse — whether verbal put-downs, physical harm, or threats — is a deal-breaker. Abuse often escalates, so even “mild” incidents must be taken seriously. Example: They punch the wall during an argument to scare you into backing down.
12. Sabotaging Your Goals or Self-Esteem
Healthy partners encourage growth. If yours belittles your dreams, discourages your ambitions, or undermines your success, they are trying to keep you small. Example: You share excitement about a promotion, and they immediately point out why you do not deserve it.
13. Silent or “Roommate” Divorce
Living together but barely speaking, avoiding touch, and acting like roommates can signal deep disconnection. Without effort, this emotional distance can become permanent. Example: You go entire weekends without having a real conversation.
14. Alcohol Addiction in Disguise
Substance abuse can deeply damage trust, communication, and emotional safety in a relationship, especially when it is minimized, hidden, or excused. Alcohol addiction often shows up in subtle ways at first, such as “just one too many” on a regular basis or blaming stress for frequent drinking. Over time, it can become a central source of conflict and instability. Example: Your partner insists they are just “blowing off steam,” but you notice alcohol is involved in most arguments or is used to avoid addressing problems.
15. Emotional Coldness or Feeling Drained
If you feel more lonely with your partner than without them, it is time to look closer. Relationships should add to your life, not leave you emotionally depleted. Example: You leave interactions with them feeling tense, tired, or like you have to recover.
“I see it all the time. Substance abuse fuels nearly every conflict in a relationship, and for most people, stopping is incredibly difficult. But when the substances stop, the fighting often improves dramatically.”
Why These Patterns Develop
Red flags in a relationship rarely appear overnight. They tend to build slowly, often starting as subtle behaviors that grow more harmful over time. Most of the time, they stem from deeper emotional, relational, or even situational factors, such as:
Unhealed trauma
Past emotional wounds such as childhood neglect, family dysfunction, or betrayal in a previous relationship can deeply influence how someone gives or receives love. A partner who has been hurt before might overreact to small triggers, shut down emotionally, or try to control situations as a way to feel safe.
Insecure attachment styles
Fears of abandonment or discomfort with emotional closeness can make it difficult to form healthy bonds. This might show up as clinginess, jealousy, or pulling away when the relationship feels too vulnerable. Many people are not even aware they have these patterns until they are pointed out.
Power imbalances
When one person holds more control over decisions, money, or emotional expression, it creates a dynamic where the other feels silenced or dependent. Over time, this imbalance can erode trust, intimacy, and self-esteem.
Learned patterns
The way we saw relationships modeled growing up often becomes our “normal,” even if it was unhealthy. For example, someone who grew up in a household filled with criticism or conflict may carry those behaviors into their adult relationships without realizing it.
Why understanding the cause matters
Many readers wonder, “If I know why my partner acts this way, should I give them more time to change?” The answer depends on whether they are willing to take responsibility and actively work on the behavior. Knowing the root cause can help guide your next steps, but it should never be used to justify ongoing harm.
The goal here is not to excuse unhealthy behavior. It is to understand its origins so you can decide whether it can be addressed through honest communication, mutual effort, and perhaps professional help, or whether protecting your emotional well-being means walking away.
How to Respond When You Spot These Signs
Trust your instincts. Your body often notices discomfort before your mind fully processes it. If something consistently feels wrong, it probably is. Pay attention to patterns of anxiety, dread, or tension when you are around your partner.
Set clear boundaries. Be specific about what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. Boundaries are not about punishing the other person. They are about protecting your emotional and physical safety.
Document patterns. Write down specific incidents, dates, and your feelings about what happened. This can help you see recurring issues more clearly and will be important if you ever need to explain the situation to a therapist or trusted friend.
Have the conversation. Choose a calm moment when neither of you is already upset. Use “I” statements such as “I feel hurt when…” to reduce defensiveness and keep the focus on your experience rather than accusations.
Seek professional help. A couples therapist can help facilitate healthier communication and repair broken trust if both partners are willing. Individual therapy can give you clarity, coping skills, and the confidence to make decisions in your best interest.
Have an exit plan. In cases involving emotional or physical abuse, your safety comes first. Identify trusted friends or family members who can support you and connect with local resources or hotlines for guidance.
“The sooner you name the problem, the sooner you can choose whether to fix it or free yourself from it.”
The Role of Therapy in Addressing Red Flags
Therapy is not just for couples on the brink of breaking up. Think of it as a relationship tune up — a safe, judgment free zone where you can talk about the things you have been avoiding at home without someone slamming a door or changing the subject.
In therapy, you can:
Understand how you communicate and why certain topics always seem to start World War III at the dinner table.
Learn to resolve conflict without harm, so disagreements turn into problem solving sessions instead of emotional boxing matches.
Rebuild trust by creating a space where honesty and vulnerability are encouraged, not punished.
Clarify whether the relationship can heal or whether it is time to lovingly part ways for the sake of both partners’ well being.
As a therapist, I have watched couples completely transform their dynamic when both partners show up ready to listen, learn, and change. I have also seen individuals find the clarity and courage to walk away when change is not possible and then go on to build healthier, more fulfilling lives.
Therapy is not about pointing fingers. It is about learning what is really going on beneath the surface, deciding if it can be repaired, and giving yourself the tools to move forward with confidence, whatever that path may be.
Conclusion
Whether you are dating, engaged, or married, knowing the red flags in a relationship helps you protect your emotional health. You deserve a partner who respects, supports, and values you, not one who chips away at your sense of self.
If you see yourself in these signs, you are not alone. There is help, and there is hope. We offer couples counseling in Castle Rock to help partners untangle unhealthy patterns and build relationships rooted in safety and respect. In person and virtual appointments are available.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are there gray areas between healthy and unhealthy relationships?
A: Absolutely. Every relationship has challenges, but it becomes unhealthy when negative patterns are consistent, harmful, and unresolved.
Q: Can red flags turn into green flags?
A: If both partners are willing to acknowledge the behavior and actively work on it, yes. But without effort from both sides, change will not stick.
Q: Is jealousy always a red flag?
A: Mild, occasional jealousy is normal. Constant suspicion or controlling behavior is not.
Q: How do I know if it’s time to leave?
A: If you consistently feel unsafe, unheard, or devalued and your partner refuses to change, it may be time to walk away.
Q: Can therapy fix all relationship problems?
A: No. Therapy cannot force someone to change. It can provide tools, perspective, and a safe space for decisions, but both partners must be willing.
Q: What are early red flags in a relationship?
A: Early warning signs can include controlling behavior, lack of respect, poor communication, or frequent criticism. These patterns often start small but tend to escalate over time.
Q: Are mood swings a red flag in a relationship?
A: Occasional mood changes are normal, but extreme, unpredictable mood swings that impact your emotional safety can be a red flag, especially if they are used to manipulate or control you.
Q: Is lack of intimacy a red flag?
A: It can be, particularly if it is ongoing and one partner refuses to address it. Lack of emotional or physical connection often signals deeper relationship issues.
Q: How common is gaslighting in relationships?
A: Unfortunately, gaslighting is more common than many realize. It is a form of emotional manipulation where one partner makes the other question their memory, feelings, or reality.
Q: Can ignoring small problems lead to bigger red flags?
A: Yes. Unaddressed issues often grow into patterns that damage trust and connection. Talking about concerns early can prevent them from becoming larger problems.
Kayla Crane, M.A., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of South Denver Therapy. She specializes in helping couples recognize and address unhealthy patterns, improve communication, and rebuild trust. If you are noticing red flags in your relationship, we are here to help. Learn more about our couples counseling in Castle Rock and how we can support you in creating a healthier, more connected partnership.
