What Is an Open Relationship? (And Is One Right for You?)
An open relationship is a form of consensual non-monogamy where both partners agree that having other romantic or sexual relationships is acceptable. In other words, it’s a relationship structure defined by honesty and mutual consent rather than secrecy or cheating. Love is a funny thing, isn’t it? It’s beautiful, complex, sometimes confusing, and ever-evolving. And in recent years, the idea of an open relationship has been taking up more space in conversations about love and commitment. In fact, a 2021 national survey found that nearly 1 in 4 Americans expressed interest in having an open relationship. For some, it’s a way to explore greater freedom while maintaining their primary bond. For others, the concept brings more questions than answers. So, how do you know if an open relationship is right for you? Let’s explore the possibilities together in this supportive guide.
What’s an Open Relationship?
At its core, an open relationship is one where both partners agree to pursue connections—emotional, physical, or both—outside their primary partnership. This could range from casual dating to forming deeper, more meaningful bonds with others, a dynamic often associated with polyamory. Polyamorous relationships, in particular, involve cultivating multiple consensual and ethical partnerships where everyone is aware and respectful of each other’s roles.
But it’s not a free-for-all. It’s all about mutual consent, clear communication, and trust. Successful open (or polyamorous) relationships rely on setting boundaries that work for everyone involved, creating a foundation where each partner feels valued and secure. Think of it as a relationship where the boundaries are drawn with a flexible pen, but both parties still hold the pen together. Sounds simple, right? Well, not exactly. Open and polyamorous relationships require just as much—if not more—effort and emotional maturity as monogamous ones. They demand a heightened level of self-awareness, honest communication, and a willingness to navigate complex emotions like jealousy and insecurity.
For couples considering these dynamics, it’s essential to approach the conversation with an open mind and a clear understanding of what both partners hope to gain. This journey isn’t for everyone, but for some, it can be a transformative experience that strengthens their bond while honoring their individuality.
Open Relationships vs. Polyamory vs. Swinging: Understanding the Differences
Open relationships often get lumped in with other forms of ethical non-monogamy, so it’s helpful to clarify how they differ from related relationship styles:
Swinging: Swinging typically involves couples exploring sexual encounters with others, usually together and in social settings (like parties or “swapping” with other couples). It’s often more about physical variety and novelty than about forming new emotional bonds. In swinging, partners might have one-time or occasional sexual experiences with others, but these encounters are purely recreational and not meant to develop into separate relationships.
Polyamory: Polyamory involves having multiple loving, committed relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In a polyamorous arrangement, an individual might have two or more full-fledged relationships, each with emotional depth and commitment, and there may not be a primary/secondary hierarchy – all partners could be considered equally important. Polyamory is all about the capacity to love multiple people and often includes everyone knowing one another, perhaps even forming a network or “polycule” of partners.
Open Relationships: An open relationship can be seen as a middle ground between swinging and polyamory. In an open relationship, there is usually one primary partnership that maintains the strongest emotional bond and commitment, and both partners agree that they may have other sexual or romantic connections outside that partnership. However, those outside connections are often intended to remain more casual or secondary. For example, people in open relationships might have sex with others they’re attracted to or go on casual dates, with the understanding that their outside relationships won’t become another full commitment. The primary partner retains the majority share of emotional commitment, distinguishing an open relationship from full polyamory. In summary, open relationships fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and can encompass a variety of arrangements, but they generally imply transparency and a primary partnership at the center of it all.
It’s important to note that these definitions can blur in practice – every couple might define their boundaries a bit differently. The term “open relationship” is sometimes even used broadly to cover swinging, polyamory, and more. The key is that everyone involved understands and agrees to the specific arrangement.
Common Misconceptions About Open Relationships
Like any less-traditional relationship style, open relationships come with plenty of myths and misunderstandings. Let’s clear up a few common misconceptions:
“Isn’t that just cheating?” – Misconception: Open relationships are often wrongly equated with cheating. Reality: Cheating involves breaking the agreed-upon rules of a relationship and hiding it; by contrast, an open relationship requires honesty and consent from the start. In an open relationship, both partners know about and permit each other’s outside relationships, which is the opposite of secret infidelity. One therapist explains that the honesty in an open arrangement is exactly what sets it apart from cheating. In short, it’s not “getting away with something” – it’s a conscious agreement by all parties.
“It must mean anything goes (no rules).” – Misconception: People sometimes assume that an open relationship has no boundaries or that partners can do whatever they want. Reality: In truth, successful open relationships often involve a lot of rules and boundaries – they’re just different rules than in monogamy. For example, a couple might agree on what types of outside encounters are OK, who they’re allowed (or not allowed) to see, how much detail to share with each other, and so on. Many open couples have a whole plethora of boundaries about what each person is comfortable with. Far from being a free-for-all, this style requires clear agreements so everyone feels safe and respected.
“It’s just about sex, or something must be wrong with the relationship.” – Misconception: A common myth is that people only open their relationship as a last resort – perhaps to fix a failing relationship or to satisfy a wandering eye – implying something is “broken.” Some also think that open relationships are purely about sex with no emotional component. Reality: While sexual exploration can be one motivator, many people choose openness for positive reasons: personal growth, a philosophy that love isn’t limited, or wanting to meet needs that one partner alone can’t fulfill. It’s not true that open relationships are only for relationships on the brink of collapse. In fact, using an open relationship as a “band-aid” for an unhealthy relationship is discouraged. As therapist Sarah Levinson notes, she’s seen couples try opening up to save a relationship that already had cracks, only to have those issues magnified. Opening up will not magically fix deeper issues like poor communication or lack of trust – those problems will still need work (and might even be exacerbated by adding new partners). Also, some open relationships do involve emotional connections with others (depending on the agreed boundaries). It’s not only about casual sex for every couple – some may form genuine friendships or even secondary relationships – but the crucial aspect is that the primary partners agree on what’s allowed and why.
“They never last – open relationships are doomed to fail.” – Misconception: Many assume that non-monogamous relationships are inherently unstable or less healthy than monogamous ones. Reality: Research does not support the idea that open relationships are less successful. In fact, there’s no clear evidence that consensual non-monogamous relationships fail more often than monogamous ones. Studies have found that people in openly non-monogamous arrangements are just as happy on average as those in traditional monogamy. The success of any relationship – open or not – depends on the people and how they handle things like communication, trust, and conflict. As one therapist put it, relationship structures are “only as healthy as the participants” involved. With effective communication and mutual respect, an open relationship can thrive just as a monogamous one can. It’s also more common than you might think: about 1 in 5 adults has engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy in their lifetime. So while open relationships aren’t the norm, they’re hardly an impossible pipe dream. Like any relationship, their longevity comes down to compatibility and effort.
“If you really loved your partner, you wouldn’t want this.” – Misconception: Some people believe that wanting an open relationship means you don’t truly love or value your partner, or that you’re “not enough” for each other. Reality: Wanting consensual non-monogamy doesn’t equate to lack of love. Couples in open relationships often report that no one person can meet 100% of another’s needs, and acknowledging this can reduce pressure and even strengthen the primary bond. It’s possible to deeply love your partner and also desire other connections – not because your partner is inadequate, but because humans are capable of loving or caring about multiple people in different ways. Importantly, open arrangements should be a mutual choice made from a place of trust. Partners in successful open relationships typically reassure each other of their commitment frequently. Love isn’t a zero-sum resource; many find that exploring connections outside can lead to personal growth and bring new insights or energy back into the primary relationship. Of course, this path isn’t for everyone – but it’s not fair to say those who choose it lack love or loyalty. They simply define these concepts differently.
Why People Consider Open Relationships (Potential Benefits)
So, what’s the appeal? People choose open relationships for a variety of positive reasons:
Exploration and Variety: Some want to experience romantic or sexual connections with others while still cherishing their primary partner. The novelty of meeting someone new or the excitement of different experiences can be fulfilling. Research shows that humans naturally enjoy sexual novelty, and an open arrangement can offer a way to explore that in an honest, consensual way. For example, a new partner might bring out a different side of your personality or introduce you to new activities. Openness can honor a desire for variety without sacrificing the love and stability of your main relationship.
Personal Growth: For others, it’s about self-discovery and learning to navigate complex feelings. Being in an open relationship can shine a spotlight on emotions like jealousy, insecurity, or compersion (feeling joy for your partner’s joy) in ways monogamy might not. Learning to manage and communicate about these feelings can lead to significant personal growth and emotional resilience. Some individuals find that challenging their comfort zones in this way increases their self-awareness and confidence in handling tough emotions.
Fulfilling Different Needs: Let’s face it, no one person can be everything to someone else. You might have multiple interests or needs – sexual, emotional, intellectual – and expecting a single partner to fulfill all of them can put a lot of pressure on that relationship. Open relationships can be a way to meet diverse needs without placing impossible expectations on one partner. For instance, one partner might love hiking and philosophical debates, and another partner or outside connection might share your passion for a certain hobby or sexual kink that your primary partner isn’t into. Rather than feeling deprived or forcing one person into a mold, openness can allow each partner to express different sides of themselves freely.
Sexual Fulfillment: An open arrangement can provide opportunities for greater sexual satisfaction or adventure in a consensual way. If both partners have a strong curiosity or libido, they might enjoy the freedom to have new sexual experiences together or separately. Knowing that you can explore fantasies (with ground rules) might even reduce feelings of temptation or monotony. Many people in successful open relationships report that they communicate more about their desires, which can make their sex life more exciting even with each other.
Reduced Pressure on the Primary Relationship: By being open to other connections, some couples actually feel less pressure to be “everything” for each other, which can strengthen their bond. When done with mutual respect, open relationships allow partners to acknowledge that it’s okay to seek different fulfillment from different people. This honesty can lead to a deepened trust. In fact, open couples often develop exceptionally clear communication about their needs and boundaries – a skill that benefits their primary relationship immensely. As one therapist notes, having to put all your cards on the table can result in each partner feeling more heard and understood. Paradoxically, navigating openness can bring some couples closer, because it forces them to continually check in and make sure their connection is solid.
““For some couples, polyamory is about acknowledging that no one person can fulfill all of their needs. By being open to other connections, they feel less pressure to be everything for each other, which can actually strengthen their bond.””
Of course, these benefits only come if both partners genuinely want an open relationship and put in the effort to do it in a healthy way. It’s not a path to take just because it sounds exciting or because you feel pressured. In the next sections, we’ll talk about how to reflect on your true motivations and capabilities, as well as the challenges to be mindful of.
Self-Reflection: Is This Really For You?
Choosing an open relationship is a deeply personal decision. Before making any moves, it’s crucial to reflect honestly on your feelings, needs, and expectations. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
What Are Your Reasons?
Why are you considering an open relationship? Is it because you’re curious, or maybe you feel something is missing in your current dynamic? Be candid with yourself here. If it’s a way to avoid addressing deeper relationship issues, an open relationship might complicate things instead of fixing them. Using openness as an escape hatch for existing problems is likely to backfire – those problems will still need resolution, with or without additional partners.
It’s also important to consider if this is your idea or your partner’s. If you’re feeling pressured into agreeing, take time to reflect on how this might impact your well-being. Feeling coerced can lead to resentment, which can harm the relationship rather than strengthen it. Make sure the interest in non-monogamy is truly mutual and not a one-sided desire.
How Do You Handle Jealousy?
Jealousy is a natural emotion, and it’s bound to pop up when you or your partner starts seeing someone else. Can you handle those feelings without letting them spiral out of control? More importantly, are you willing to communicate openly about them? Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean you’ll never feel jealous; it means you and your partner commit to talking through those feelings when they arise.
Take a moment to imagine scenarios that might trigger jealousy for you – how might you feel if your partner goes on a date, or if they develop a crush on someone else? It’s normal to feel uncomfortable or anxious thinking about that. The question is, do you believe you and your partner can acknowledge those feelings and work through them together without blame? Healthy open relationships treat jealousy not as a deal-breaker but as a signal to communicate and adjust. If you tend to bottle up jealousy or react to it with anger, you may need to build some coping strategies (possibly with a therapist’s help) before you venture into non-monogamy.
““I’ve had many clients come into couples counseling because they thought they wanted an open relationship but later regretted the decision. One client shared how seeing his wife with another man created an image he couldn’t get out of his head, causing significant emotional strain. It took considerable effort in therapy to rebuild his sense of security and re-establish trust. This serves as a reminder to think carefully and honestly before making such a choice.””
What Are Your Communication Skills Like?
Speaking of communication, this is the foundation of any successful open relationship. Are you comfortable expressing your needs, setting boundaries, and addressing conflicts directly? If you’re someone who tends to avoid hard conversations or bottle things up, that’s an area to work on before taking the leap. Open relationships magnify the importance of open dialogue; without it, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can multiply quickly.
Healthy communication also means being able to listen—really listen—to your partner’s needs and concerns. It’s not just about voicing your own feelings; it’s about creating a space where both of you feel heard and valued. Think about how you currently handle sensitive topics with your partner. Do you both feel safe bringing up uncomfortable feelings? If not, consider practicing those skills now. Effective communication is a cornerstone of healthy relationships (monogamous or not). Remember: If communicating about little things is hard, communicating about something as delicate as outside relationships will be even harder. It might help to learn some new communication strategies (there are great resources and even therapists who can coach you on this) to ensure you have tools for honest dialogue.
What Are Your Values Around Commitment?
Does the idea of commitment feel inseparable from exclusivity for you? Or are you open to redefining what it means to stay loyal to a partner? Understanding your core values can help clarify whether an open relationship aligns with them. For some, being committed means exclusive devotion – and that’s absolutely okay. For others, commitment is more about being there for your partner and being honest, rather than sexual exclusivity.
Take a moment to consider how your upbringing, cultural background, or past relationships might influence your views on commitment. Sometimes, we inherit beliefs like “true love means only wanting one person” or “jealousy means you care.” It can be enlightening to unpack these influences and ask yourself what you personally believe. If deep down you feel that non-exclusivity conflicts with your morals or vision of love, an open relationship might not sit well with you long-term. And that’s perfectly valid. The goal isn’t to force yourself to change your values, but to see if this relationship style is compatible with them.
On the other hand, if you’ve always felt that monogamy isn’t the only way to show love or that one person can’t possibly fulfill all of another’s needs, you might be more naturally inclined toward openness. Some people identify as “polyamorous” or “non-monogamous” by orientation, meaning they never felt completely at home with the monogamous norm. Reflect on whether that resonates with you.
Are You Ready for the Challenges?
Open relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. They can bring logistical hurdles (like scheduling dates or balancing time) and emotional challenges (like managing feelings of insecurity or dealing with social stigma). Are you ready to face those challenges head-on? It’s important not to romanticize this path; while it can be rewarding, it also can be complex and demanding.
One way to prepare is by educating yourself. Read books, attend workshops, or speak with a therapist who specializes in non-monogamy. The more informed you are, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate the complexities. Consider connecting with communities (either online or locally) of people practicing consensual non-monogamy – sometimes hearing others’ experiences and best practices can give you a realistic picture of what to expect.
Also, do a gut check about your emotional bandwidth. If life is already hectic or your current relationship is on shaky ground, adding more relationships might be overwhelming. It’s okay to say, “You know what, we have enough on our plate right now.” On the flip side, if you feel emotionally grounded and curious, and your relationship is solid, you might be in a good place to try something new.
Bottom line: Be brutally honest with yourself about why you’re drawn to this and whether you have the emotional skills and energy to handle it. There’s no right or wrong answer – only what’s true for you.
Signs an Open Relationship Might Be Right for You
How can you tell if you’re a good candidate for an open relationship? Every individual and couple is different, but relationship experts suggest a few promising signs that consensual non-monogamy could be a healthy choice for you:
You’re both genuinely interested – and on the same page. The idea of having multiple partners excites you rather than scares you, and the same is true for your significant other. Both partners feel curiosity or enthusiasm about exploring non-monogamy (as opposed to one person dragging the other along). Mutual interest and equal buy-in are key; if one of you is very hesitant or only agreeing out of pressure, that’s a red flag, not a good sign.
The concept aligns with your values and beliefs. Perhaps you’ve never felt that lifelong monogamy is the only “right” way to love. You might believe that love or sexual desire isn’t limited to one person, or you reject the notion that jealousy should define the limits of a relationship. If the philosophy of consensual non-monogamy (autonomy, honesty, abundance in love) resonates with you, an open relationship might feel more natural to you than it would to someone who holds more traditional views on exclusivity.
You communicate openly and honestly (or are committed to improving). You and your partner can talk about tough topics, hear each other out, and express feelings without exploding or shutting down. Importantly, you’re willing to proactively communicate about boundaries, jealousy, and needs. Being prepared to have sometimes uncomfortable conversations – kindly and frequently – is a strong indicator you could handle the demands of an open relationship. In fact, if you enjoy deep, honest communication and view it as an opportunity for growth, that’s a great sign.
You trust each other and have a secure bond. A solid foundation of trust will serve you extremely well. If you both feel confident in your commitment and you don’t constantly worry about betrayal in your current relationship, you’ll be better able to handle the uncertainties of seeing other people. Trust allows you to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to be vulnerable without constant fear. Without that baseline of security, an open setup could magnify insecurities.
You can manage feelings of jealousy and insecurity in healthy ways. This doesn’t mean you never get jealous – most of us do! But if you know you can acknowledge jealousy, talk about it, and self-soothe without lashing out or falling apart, that’s a promising sign. Maybe you’ve worked on confidence and know how to remind yourself that your partner loves you even if they find someone else attractive. If you expect some jealousy but feel equipped to handle it constructively (through communication, setting boundaries, getting support, etc.), then you’re likely better prepared than many. As one therapist notes, if you feel confident you can navigate the “expected jealousy” that comes up, an open relationship might be for you.
You have the time and energy for additional relationships. This one is more practical but very important. Consider your current lifestyle – do you have room for scheduling dates or maintaining another connection? If you’re already stretched thin with work, family, and your existing relationship, adding more might lead to stress or neglect somewhere. But if you manage your time well and perhaps even thrive with a busy social life, you might handle multiple relationships gracefully. Think about things like: Would you be okay spending some evenings apart while each of you explores? Do you both have time for regular check-ins plus new activities? Being realistic about your bandwidth is crucial. Having “enough love” is not usually the issue – we’re pretty capable of loving more than one person – but having enough time and emotional presence is another matter.
You’re both willing to learn and possibly seek guidance. Maybe you don’t have all the answers (who does?), but you’re open to reading, learning, even going to therapy or workshops to figure out how to do this the right way. A humility and willingness to get advice when needed bodes well. It shows that you respect how meaningful this change is. Many people who successfully open up their relationships lean on resources like books, online forums, or counselors to navigate the transition.
If a lot of the above points describe you and your situation, that’s a good indicator that an open relationship could potentially work well for you. Essentially, it comes down to mutual enthusiasm, strong communication, trust, emotional maturity, and practical capacity. Even with all those, it will still be a learning experience, but you’ll have a much sturdier starting position.
(Remember, these are guidelines, not guarantees. You could check every box and still hit bumps – that’s normal! But these signs tilt the odds in your favor.)
Questions to Ask Your Partner
It’s not just about you—an open relationship involves your partner too. If you’re considering opening up, it’s vital to collaborate with your partner every step of the way. Here are some key things to discuss together:
Do We Share the Same Goals?
Are both of you interested in an open relationship for similar reasons? It’s important to understand each other’s “why.” If one partner is reluctant or feels pressured, it’s a recipe for resentment. Take the time to openly discuss your individual motivations. Are you seeking adventure, addressing unmet needs, exploring your sexual orientation, working on personal growth, or something else?
Ensuring you both share aligned goals can prevent misunderstandings later on. For example, if one person mainly wants casual sexual experiences and the other is seeking deep emotional connections, that’s a mismatch to reconcile before you proceed. You might find common ground by clarifying what you each hope to gain. Couples often find it helpful to align their goals and expectations with the guidance of a therapist. If you’re considering an open relationship, couples counseling can provide a safe space to explore your motivations and ensure you’re on the same page. A neutral third party can help ask the tough questions and make sure neither of you is agreeing to something that goes against your core needs.
What Boundaries Do We Need?
Boundaries are essential in any open arrangement. Think of boundaries as the rules of the road that keep everyone feeling secure. Have an open and detailed talk about what is okay and what is not. Some points to consider:
What types of outside connections are allowed? For instance, is it OK to have purely sexual encounters? What about developing a friendship or emotional connection? Are one-night stands fine but ongoing “dating” off-limits, or vice versa?
Who is off-limits? Perhaps you decide that certain people (mutual friends, coworkers, exes, etc.) are not appropriate to get involved with. Some couples feel more comfortable if outside partners are strangers/not in their social circle; others might be opposite.
How much detail will we share with each other? Some couples prefer to tell each other about every date or encounter, maybe even before it happens. Others might not want the details beyond knowing that something happened. There’s no one right choice here, but agree on it ahead of time. (One common boundary is something like, “We will tell each other if we have sex with someone else, but we won’t discuss the graphic details.”)
Are there specific activities that are off-limits? For example, some might say “sex is fine, but no staying overnight,” or “going on dates is okay, but no vacations with another person,” etc. These can be highly personal. It’s okay to have a few “hard no’s” if there are things one of you isn’t comfortable with.
Talk it all out. It may feel a bit awkward negotiating the “rules” of love and sex, but this step is so important. In fact, writing down your agreed-upon boundaries can be helpful, especially in the early stages when it’s easy to forget or blur lines. Know that these boundaries might evolve; you should plan to revisit and adjust them as needed. What sounds fine in theory might feel different in practice, so keep communicating. The goal is that both partners feel safe and respected at all times.
How Will We Handle Emotional Challenges?
Jealousy, insecurity, and miscommunication are inevitable at some point – even if you do everything “right.” So, what’s your plan for handling these issues together when they arise? It’s proactive to discuss this before you’re in the thick of it. Consider scheduling regular check-ins (say, once a week or a couple times a month) to discuss how you’re each feeling about the arrangement. These check-ins are a dedicated time where you both can voice any concerns, celebrate what’s going well, and tweak agreements if needed. It’s a good way to catch potential issues early and ensure you’re both on the same page emotionally.
You might ask each other questions like, “How are you feeling about things this week? Any jealousy or worries we should talk about?” or “Is there anything about our rules that isn’t working for you right now?” Think of it as maintenance for your relationship – much like you’d service a car before it breaks down. Regular, honest conversations can prevent small misunderstandings from snowballing. Some couples also find it helpful to have a plan like, “If one of us gets very upset or jealous, we agree to pause outside dating until we work through it together.” Having an agreed pause button or strategy can provide a sense of security that you won’t just barrel forward if someone hits an emotional wall.
Remember, strong feelings are normal. What matters is how you handle them as a team. Being prepared to offer reassurance, adjust boundaries, or seek support (like a therapist) during tough times can make all the difference.
How Do We Protect Our Physical and Emotional Safety?
This is a big one. “Safety” in an open relationship has multiple dimensions:
Physical Safety: How will you protect each other’s health when it comes to sexual activity with others? It’s crucial to discuss and agree on safe sex practices. This might include using condoms/dental dams with all outside partners, getting regular STI tests, sharing test results with each other, and agreeing to inform each other (and pause activity) if something like an STI exposure occurs. Trust around physical health is paramount – it’s part of caring for your partner. Make a plan you’re both fully comfortable with. For instance, some couples agree that if a condom ever fails or there’s a lapse in safety, they will tell the other immediately and abstain from sex until they both get tested. It might not be the most romantic topic, but it’s about respect and care. Prioritizing each other’s well-being in this way is non-negotiable.
Emotional Safety: How will you make sure each other feels emotionally secure and loved through this process? Trust and respect are the cornerstones here. Discuss scenarios that might cause emotional hurt and how to mitigate them. For example, some couples decide not to have outside dates on important days like anniversaries or not to introduce a new partner to mutual friends until both are comfortable. Also, consider how you’ll handle any potential risks like one of you developing deeper feelings for someone else. It can happen – emotions aren’t always predictable. While you can’t control feelings, you can agree to be honest if, say, an outside connection starts becoming serious, and then reassess together what to do. Creating a shared plan for how you’ll tackle these things (“If either of us feels neglected, we speak up right away,” or “If someone is getting too attached, we pause and discuss next steps”) can help you both feel safer venturing out.
In short, think of safety as having each other’s back. You want to know that even as you open your relationship, you’re protecting each other like partners should. No adventure is worth undermining the baseline of care in your relationship.
How Will We Prioritize Our Relationship?
Just because you’re opening up your relationship doesn’t mean your primary connection should take a backseat. In fact, it may need even more deliberate nurturing. Make a plan to keep your bond strong. This could include scheduling regular date nights or quality time that’s just for the two of you, no outside partners. You might also agree on a set amount of time each week that’s exclusively dedicated to your primary relationship – for example, always spending weekends together, or having nightly check-in talks.
Having these kinds of arrangements ensures that while you’re exploring connections with others, your foundational bond remains a top priority. It can be very reassuring to know, “No matter what, we have Saturday night for us,” or whatever pattern you choose. Some couples even create rituals – like every morning they have coffee together, or every night they share a gratitude – to maintain intimacy.
It’s also wise to discuss what you’ll do if your primary relationship starts to feel distant or strained. Agree that if either of you starts feeling like you’re losing touch, you’ll speak up and possibly scale back outside activities for a bit to refocus on each other. The whole point of opening up, presumably, is to enhance your lives, not to replace your partner. By intentionally carving out time for each other, you signal that your partner is irreplaceable and your relationship is solid ground.
Think of it this way: you’re expanding your world, but you want to keep home base strong. Consistent attention, affection, and reassurance in your primary relationship will help prevent feelings of neglect. Even as you date others, little things – like saying “I love you,” being attentive, continuing to pursue each other – go a long way to keep your connection thriving.
Challenges to Keep in Mind
Every relationship has challenges, and open relationships have their own unique ones. Being aware of these can help you navigate them more gracefully. Here are a few common challenges to prepare for:
Jealousy and Insecurity
Even the most confident people can feel a pang of jealousy now and then. It’s normal! You might intellectually understand the arrangement (“I know we agreed we can see others”) and still feel that twist in your stomach when your partner gushes about how much fun they had on a date with someone else. The key is to acknowledge these feelings, not suppress or deny them. Ask yourself, “What is this jealousy telling me? Is there a boundary I need to reinforce, or an insecurity I need to discuss or work on?” Use these moments as opportunities for growth.
Rather than avoiding the topic, talk it through with your partner. For instance, “I noticed I felt a bit insecure when I heard about X. I think I need a little extra reassurance from you right now.” These conversations can actually bring you closer. They allow you to articulate your needs and better understand each other’s emotional landscapes. Also, remember that feeling jealous doesn’t mean this isn’t for you – it means you’re human. What matters is what you do with that jealousy. If you approach it with honesty and self-reflection, it can teach you a lot about yourself. In fact, some people find their jealous moments highlight personal fears (“Am I afraid I’m not interesting enough? Not attractive enough?”) that they can then address constructively.
One useful exercise is to identify what specific scenarios trigger your jealousy and discuss them when you’re both calm. For example, you might be fine with casual flings but get jealous about your partner having emotional intimacy with someone else, or vice versa. Knowing that allows you both to fine-tune boundaries or offer reassurance in the areas that matter most. Remember, jealousy is not an ending – it’s an emotion to manage. Plenty of open couples experience jealousy and navigate through it with patience and communication. (And yes, monogamous couples deal with jealousy too – it’s not unique to non-monogamy!)
If jealousy or insecurity is becoming overwhelming despite your best efforts, consider seeking advice from a therapist or counselor experienced in this area. They can provide strategies to cope. The fact that you’re willing to face jealousy head-on is actually a sign of strength; it means you care about maintaining trust and security, which is vital.
Time Management
Balancing multiple relationships (or even just finding time for the possibility of them) can feel like juggling flaming swords—it takes skill, focus, and a lot of patience. One of the most practical challenges of an open relationship is simply finding the time for everything and everyone, including yourself! Be prepared to manage your time thoughtfully, so that no one feels neglected – neither your primary partner nor your outside connections, and not you either.
A strategy many open couples use is keeping a shared calendar to plan dates and important events. This way, you can coordinate schedules and avoid accidentally double-booking or infringing on important together-time. It might feel a bit business-like to schedule love, but it really helps prevent misunderstandings like “Oh, I thought we were hanging out tonight, but you made plans with so-and-so.” Clarity is your friend.
Also, remember to schedule time for yourself. When life gets busier with additional relationships, self-care can easily slip. Don’t forget to recharge and reflect solo. Everyone needs a breather; maintaining your own well-being will help you show up better in all your relationships.
Time management also means being fair and intentional with how you allocate attention. For example, if you notice you’ve gone on three dates with others this month but haven’t had a nice evening with your main partner in a while, that’s a sign to rebalance. Some couples even set guidelines, like limiting how many nights a week can be spent on outside dates, to ensure they still have quality time together.
In short, treat time as a precious resource and plan it out collaboratively. By being organized and considerate of each other’s time, you’ll reduce a lot of potential friction. No one should feel like they’re getting scraps of your schedule. When managed well, time can be shared in a way that feels abundant rather than stretched too thin. It just requires conscious planning and constant communication if something needs adjusting.
Social Stigma
Not everyone will understand your choice to pursue an open relationship. We live in a society where monogamy is the default expectation, and anything else can raise eyebrows. Friends and family might have questions – or even judgments. You might hear things like, “I could never do that,” or “Don’t you get jealous?” or perhaps more hurtful assumptions. Are you ready to handle those conversations and potential misunderstandings?
It can be helpful to prepare a simple, confident way to explain your relationship dynamic for when it inevitably comes up. You don’t owe anyone a deep dive into your personal life, but having a response you’re comfortable with can ease the pressure. For example, you might say to a curious friend: “We trust each other and communicate openly, and we’ve agreed that our relationship isn’t exclusive. It works for us, even if it’s not for everyone.” If you project comfort with your own choice, people are more likely to accept it or at least drop the issue.
Remember that you and your partner get to decide how public or private you want to be about this. Some people only discuss it with very close friends and keep it discreet with others, especially if they anticipate negative reactions or have conservative family, etc. Others are more open about being open! Do what feels right and safe for you both. It might be worth discussing in advance how you’ll handle specific scenarios, like if a family member asks, or if you’re seen in public with an outside partner by someone you know.
Dealing with any negative reactions can be emotionally taxing. It might even cause you to question your path when someone voices strong disapproval. In those moments, center back on why you chose this and the understanding you and your partner share. Remind each other that your relationship doesn’t need external validation to thrive. Over time, as consensual non-monogamy becomes more openly discussed in society (which it is, gradually), you might find more allies than you expect. Many people are at least curious and may surprise you with supportive responses.
Lastly, confront your own internalized stigma. We’ve all grown up with certain narratives about love. Even if intellectually you believe in openness, you might have moments of guilt or shame because “society says this is wrong.” Recognize those feelings when they surface and be kind to yourself. It’s okay – you’re essentially rewriting some social scripts, and that’s brave. Connecting with a community (even online forums or local meetups) of like-minded people can help remind you that you’re not alone or weird for choosing this.
When an Open Relationship Might Not Be Right for You
It’s okay to realize that an open relationship isn’t the answer for you or that the timing isn’t right. Here are a few signs it might not be the right choice (at least not right now):
Your relationship is already struggling with trust or communication issues. If you don’t fully trust each other or you fight viciously over minor misunderstandings, opening the relationship could pour gasoline on the fire. Focus on shoring up trust and communication first.
One partner feels coerced or reluctant. If one of you is agreeing just to keep the other around, resentment is likely to build. An open arrangement has to be enthusiastically agreed upon by both people. A half-hearted “I guess if you really want to” is a big warning sign that should not be ignored.
You’re hoping an open relationship will “fix” existing problems. Maybe passion has faded or someone had an affair and you think, “Maybe opening up will spice things up or make this hurt less.” Unfortunately, open relationships are not a cure-all for deeper issues. In fact, they usually amplify whatever is already going on. If there’s insecurity, it could deepen; if there’s poor communication, more people in the mix will highlight it.
It goes against your core values. If deep down, ethical non-monogamy just doesn’t sit right with you morally or emotionally, that’s important to honor. Maybe you wish you could be okay with it for your partner’s sake, but you know you wouldn’t be happy. It’s perfectly valid to decide it’s not aligned with who you are.
Either of you can’t stand the thought of your partner with someone else. This might seem obvious, but it’s worth stating. If imagining your partner with another person triggers extreme pain, anxiety, or disgust that you have no interest in working through, non-monogamy likely isn’t for you. And that’s okay! Different people have different tolerance levels for sharing attention and intimacy.
In these cases, focusing on strengthening your current relationship—perhaps with the help of a therapist—might be a better first step. There’s absolutely no shame in deciding that you prefer monogamy or that you’re not ready for this. Open relationships are not a fit for everyone, just like not everyone wants kids or not everyone enjoys long-distance relationships. The important thing is that you and your partner are honest with yourselves and each other.
If the answer is “No, this isn’t right for us,” own that choice. You might even feel relief in closing the door on the idea if it’s been causing tension. And if one partner wanted openness but the other didn’t, that’s a difficult crossroads — it may require some soul-searching or counseling to navigate the incompatibility. Ultimately, both individuals deserve to have their needs respected, which sometimes means a tough decision about the future of the relationship. But often, with good communication, couples can reach an understanding (e.g. “We won’t do this now, but we’ll revisit in a year,” or “We’ll stay monogamous because our relationship is the priority”).
Remember: choosing not to open your relationship is a completely valid outcome. The goal is for both of you to feel secure and fulfilled, whatever structure accomplishes that.
Therapy Can Help
Speaking of therapy, don’t underestimate its value at any stage of this journey. A skilled therapist can help you and your partner navigate the complexities of open relationships, identify potential pitfalls, and develop strategies for success. If you’re unsure how to even start the conversation about non-monogamy, a therapist can facilitate that discussion in a balanced way. If you’ve given it a go and hit some bumps, they can help you process feelings and renegotiate agreements. And if you decide to remain monogamous but want to improve your relationship (or recover from a failed attempt at opening up), therapy is a great resource for that as well.
Look for a counselor who is knowledgeable about or affirming of consensual non-monogamy – someone with experience in this area. Not all therapists have training or comfort around non-traditional relationships, so it’s okay (even important) to ask about their familiarity with CNM. An informed therapist will understand the challenges and the rewards that are possible, and they won’t pathologize your choice to explore this. Instead, they’ll focus on helping you two communicate effectively, set healthy boundaries, and work through any emotional roadblocks. In fact, research suggests that working with a therapist who understands non-monogamy can help couples overcome feelings of jealousy or insecurity that might otherwise derail them.
Whether you’re curious about exploring non-monogamy or simply want to improve your current relationship, therapy is a safe space to explore your options. It doesn’t mean something is “wrong” – think of it like coaching for your relationship. You can even go to a few sessions before you make any decisions about opening up, just to clarify feelings and set some guidelines with professional input.
If you are located in Colorado, feel free to check out our different counseling services (we have therapists experienced in a range of relationship styles). But no matter where you are, there are resources out there – including online therapy – where you can get compassionate guidance tailored to your situation.
Wrapping It All Up
Open relationships aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay. What matters most is being honest with yourself and your partner about your needs, values, and boundaries. Choosing monogamy or non-monogamy doesn’t make you more evolved or more in love than anyone else – it’s about what works for you two. Whether you decide to open your relationship or stick with monogamy, the process of self-reflection and communication can strengthen your connection in ways you might not expect. In fact, just having a candid conversation about it – even if the decision is “no thanks” – can deepen understanding between partners.
If you’re curious, don’t be afraid to start the conversation. Approach it gently: you can share an article (maybe this one!), or mention a podcast or friend who brought up the idea, and ask your partner what they think. It’s important to emphasize that your interest in discussing it comes from a place of openness and trust – not dissatisfaction. Who knows? That chat might lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. And isn’t that what relationships are all about?
No matter what you choose, remember that you have the right to craft the relationship that suits you. For some, that’s monogamy; for others, it might be openness in some form. There is no one-size-fits-all in love. The goal is a healthy, respectful, and fulfilling connection. As long as you and your partner are on the same page and treating each other with care, you’re doing it right.
Good luck, take it at your own pace, and take care of each other.
Frequently Asked Questions about Open Relationships
Q: Is an open relationship healthy?
A: Yes – an open relationship can be healthy when it’s done with mutual respect, honesty, and clear consent from everyone involved. Simply being non-monogamous doesn’t make a relationship unhealthy; it really depends on how the individuals handle it. In a healthy open relationship, both partners feel heard, valued, and secure in their agreements. They communicate openly about their feelings, practice safe sex, and put effort into maintaining trust. It’s also important that each person genuinely consents to the arrangement (rather than feeling forced). If those elements are in place, an open relationship can thrive and even bring some couples closer. Of course, like any relationship, if it’s filled with dishonesty, disrespect, or coercion, it won’t be healthy. In short, healthy relationships are built on behavior, not on whether they’re monogamous or not. Many people report that open relationships involve even more communication and intentionality, which can be very healthy if that’s what both partners want.
Q: What are the rules of an open relationship?
A: There’s no one universal set of rules – each open couple creates the rules or boundaries that work for them. The whole idea is that you and your partner agree on what is and isn’t okay, tailored to your comfort levels. That said, some common open-relationship rules include:
Safe sex practices: e.g., always use protection and stay up-to-date on STI testing.
Honesty and transparency: agree to tell each other about outside encounters, or at least agree on how much detail to share (some couples want to know everything, some prefer “don’t ask, don’t tell” – but it’s agreed upon in advance).
Time management boundaries: for example, not having dates on the same night as weekly date night with your primary partner, or limiting how many nights a week can be spent with others.
Emotional boundaries: some couples say one-night stands are fine but no falling in love, others might be okay with love but require being informed if strong feelings develop. You might establish rules like “no bringing outside partners to our home” or “family events are just for us.”
Primary relationship comes first: an understanding that if one of you feels the relationship is in trouble, you’ll pause external dating and reconnect with each other.
The specific rules can vary widely. What’s critical is that both partners fully agree to them, and that you revisit them regularly. Open relationships are often described as having a “living contract” – you tweak the rules as you learn what works and what doesn’t. And of course, rules can’t cover every scenario, so maintaining open communication is part of the deal. Think of your rules as safety rails: they’re there to prevent major hurt and keep both of you feeling respected.
Q: Can open relationships really work long-term?
A: Absolutely, they can work – but their success, just like any relationship, depends on the people involved and their commitment to making it work. Research and clinical experience indicate that open relationships are not inherently less stable or satisfying than monogamous ones. In fact, a 2020 study found people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships were just as happy overall as people in monogamous relationships. There’s also no evidence that open relationships have higher breakup rates purely due to the structure.
That said, an open relationship isn’t a magic formula – it won’t automatically work just because you label it “open.” The couples who succeed at it long-term tend to share certain qualities: they communicate frequently and effectively, address issues as a team, and adapt their agreements as circumstances change. They also genuinely both want to be non-monogamous; if one partner is begrudgingly going along, it often falls apart. Trust is paramount – knowing that your partner values you and will stick to the agreed boundaries allows the relationship to flourish.
Many long-term open relationships report going through phases and challenges (just as long-term monogamous ones do). Life events – like having children, moving, career changes – can prompt renegotiations of the open aspect. Some couples open and close their relationship over time as needed. There’s no single trajectory. But yes, open relationships can work long-term when nurtured with care. Successful examples are perhaps less visible in society, but rest assured they exist – quietly thriving on trust and communication.
Q: What is the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?
A: An open relationship is often considered a broad category of consensual non-monogamy, and polyamory is one form that falls under that umbrella. The key difference lies in the level of emotional commitment and the relationship structure. In an open relationship, typically a primary couple opens up their relationship to some degree – for example, allowing sexual or casual romantic encounters with others – but they usually retain their main emotional commitment to each other. The outside relationships in an open relationship are often meant to remain secondary or not as deeply involved as the primary partnership. Some open relationships are “sex-only” with others, for instance, and might not involve dating or love with outside partners.
In polyamory, people seek to have multiple full-fledged loving relationships. A polyamorous person might have two or more partners, with whom they maintain ongoing, committed emotional and often sexual relationships, and these could be on equal footing (i.e., not hierarchical). Polyamory explicitly embraces the idea that it’s possible to love more than one person romantically at the same time, with everyone aware and consenting. There may not be a single “primary” couple – or if there is, the primary couple might allow secondary relationships that can also become quite emotionally significant.
Another way to put it: polyamory involves multiple loves, whereas open relationships (in the narrower sense) often involve a primary love + other allowed connections that usually stay less entangled. For example, if someone says “We’re open but not poly,” they might mean they can have casual partners on the side, but they’re not looking to start another serious relationship. Conversely, a polyamorous arrangement might look like three people in a triad all equally committed, or a person having two separate but committed partners, etc.
In practice, these definitions can blur and each relationship is unique. Some open relationships do evolve to polyamory if, say, an outside connection deepens and everyone is okay with that. And many polyamorous folks describe their relationships as open as well, since they’re not monogamous. The terms have overlap, but the distinction to remember is: polyamory = multiple committed relationships; open relationship = an agreed allowance for other partners, often maintaining one primary commitment. Both are consensual and can be ethical; they just operate on slightly different assumptions about emotional exclusivity.
Q: How do we handle jealousy in an open relationship?
A: Handling jealousy starts with accepting that it’s a normal emotion – you should expect it to surface at times. The healthy approach is to name it, share it, and address it together. Here are a few tips many open couples find helpful:
Communicate early and honestly: If you feel that twinge of jealousy, let your partner know in a calm moment. You might say, “Hey, I noticed I felt a bit uneasy when you were out late last night. Can we talk about it?” Opening up gives your partner a chance to reassure you or clarify something. Keeping jealousy bottled up, on the other hand, can let it fester into resentment.
Reaffirm commitments: Sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way. Hearing your partner say “I love you and you’re still my number one” can help soothe the insecure part of your brain. Don’t hesitate to ask for that reassurance when you need it. Both partners should feel comfortable expressing the need for extra TLC now and then.
Review or adjust boundaries: Jealousy can be a signal that a boundary needs tweaking. For example, maybe you thought you’d be fine with your partner having sleepovers with someone else, but it turns out that triggers a lot of insecurity. Talk about it and see if an adjustment is possible (perhaps no overnights, or maybe a morning check-in call for reassurance – whatever might alleviate the sting). Remember that your agreements aren’t set in stone; you can revise them to protect the relationship.
Focus on your own self-confidence: It helps to have a life and identity outside of just your partnership. If you feel secure in who you are – recognizing your own worth – you’re less likely to feel threatened when your partner is with someone else. Engaging in your hobbies, spending time with friends, or even dating on your side (if that’s part of your arrangement) can reinforce the feeling that you are also a person with choices and attractive qualities. Jealousy often ties to fear of loss or not being enough; remind yourself (and each other) of what you bring to the table.
Practice emotional management: When jealousy hits, have a plan for how you’ll cope in the moment. Some people journal their feelings before discussing them, to sort out what’s fear versus what might be a legitimate concern. Others find it helpful to do something calming or self-soothing – take a walk, meditate, talk to a close friend who is supportive of your relationship. Avoid the temptation to lash out or accuse in the heat of the moment. Give yourself space to cool down and think, then approach your partner constructively.
Empathy and perspective-taking: Both partners should try to see things from the other’s side. If you’re the one feeling jealous, remember your partner likely isn’t trying to hurt you – they care about you, and this is new for them too. If you’re the one whose actions sparked jealousy, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine what kind of comfort or reassurance you’d want if the roles were reversed. Respond with kindness.
Over time, many couples find that jealousy does not disappear entirely (we’re human), but it often lessens as trust grows and you both prove to each other that the relationship truly is secure. Some even find they experience compersion, which is feeling happiness at your partner’s enjoyment with someone else – it sounds odd if you’ve never felt it, but it can emerge, especially when you genuinely want your partner to have fulfilling experiences.
In any case, remember that feeling jealous doesn’t make you “bad at” open relationships; it gives you a chance to communicate and become stronger together. With practice and patience, you can absolutely manage jealousy in healthy ways.
