Stonewalling Quiz

Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen identified by Dr. John Gottman as a predictor of relationship problems. It occurs when one partner withdraws from interaction, shuts down, or refuses to engage in conversation during conflict. This can manifest as giving the silent treatment, physically leaving the room, or becoming unresponsive. It's different from taking a healthy break because there's no communication about needing space or commitment to return.

People often stonewall because they're experiencing emotional flooding — their heart rate and stress hormones spike during conflict, making it difficult to think clearly or respond constructively. This physiological overwhelm triggers a "fight or flight" response, and stonewalling is essentially the "flight" response. It can also stem from not having learned healthy conflict resolution skills growing up, or from past trauma that makes emotional engagement feel unsafe.

While stonewalling can be emotionally damaging, it's not always intentional abuse. Many people stonewall because they don't know how else to cope with overwhelming emotions — it's a protective mechanism, not a deliberate attack. However, when stonewalling is used deliberately and repeatedly to control, punish, or manipulate a partner over time, it can become a form of emotional abuse. The key difference is intent and pattern.

The key difference is communication and commitment to return. A healthy break involves telling your partner you need time to calm down, specifying when you'll return (typically 20-30 minutes), using that time for genuine self-soothing, and then actually coming back to continue the conversation. Stonewalling involves shutting down without explanation and often avoiding the topic indefinitely. One builds trust, the other damages it.

If your partner stonewalls, try not to pursue them aggressively — chasing, demanding, or criticizing will typically increase their withdrawal (this is the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic). Instead, calmly express that you understand they might be overwhelmed and that you want to resolve the issue together. Suggest taking a structured break with a specific time to return. If this is a recurring pattern, couples therapy can help you both develop healthier ways of navigating conflict.

Yes, relationships can absolutely survive and even thrive after addressing stonewalling patterns. Dr. Gottman's research shows that couples who learn to recognize stonewalling and replace it with self-soothing and constructive engagement can significantly improve their relationship satisfaction. The key is both partners being willing to work on the pattern — one learning to take healthy breaks instead of shutting down, and the other learning to give space without pursuing.

Research by Dr. John Gottman indicates that approximately 85% of stonewallers are men. This is likely due to physiological differences in how men and women respond to relationship conflict. Men's cardiovascular systems tend to be more reactive to stress, making them more susceptible to emotional flooding. However, women can also stonewall, and anyone can learn healthier coping strategies regardless of gender.

Being stonewalled can feel like emotional abandonment. The partner on the receiving end often experiences feelings of rejection, frustration, and helplessness. Over time, this can lead to increased anxiety, decreased self-esteem, and a sense of being unworthy of engagement. They may also develop their own unhealthy patterns, like pursuing more aggressively or eventually withdrawing themselves.