25 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Saying “I Do”
Getting engaged is exciting and romantic, but marriage is a lifelong commitment. Before you say “I do,” it’s important to have some honest, heart-to-heart conversations. Asking the right questions now can spark deeper understanding and help you both feel confident about the future. In this warm and conversational guide, we’ll cover 25 essential questions to ask your partner before marriage. These range from light and fun to serious and important. Grab a cup of coffee, get cozy, and let’s dive in!
Why Asking Questions Before Marriage Matters
Every couple is unique, but all strong marriages share one thing: open communication. Discussing expectations ahead of time can prevent surprises down the road. “In my experience with couples, one of the most overlooked topics is how they handle conflict. That’s a conversation you absolutely want to have before getting married,” says Kayla, a marriage therapist. By talking through things like money, family, and future goals now, you build a solid foundation for a healthy marriage. Remember, no question is too small or too silly if it matters to you or your partner.
Tip: Keep these discussions relaxed and supportive. This isn’t an interrogation – it’s an opportunity to learn about each other. Listen carefully to your partner’s answers and share your own thoughts honestly. You might even discover new things about each other along the way!
25 Key Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Below are 25 questions (and why they matter) that you and your partner should consider before the big day. Feel free to add your own, and remember to keep an open mind. Some answers might surprise you, and that’s okay! It’s better to talk about it now than be caught off guard later.
How do we handle conflict and disagreements? – Every couple argues sometimes. Do you raise voices, give each other space, or talk it out calmly? Understanding each other’s conflict resolution style is crucial. If one of you prefers to resolve issues immediately but the other needs cool-down time, you’ll want to find a middle ground. Agree on a healthy way to resolve arguments, whether it’s taking a pause and coming back to talk, or never going to bed angry.
What are your expectations about finances and money management? – Money is one of the top things spouses fight about. Be open about your financial habits and goals. Will you budget together? How will you split bills or combine bank accounts? Discuss who pays for what, spending limits, and saving habits. It’s important to know if your partner is a saver, a spender, or buried in credit card debt. Transparency now can prevent resentment later.
Do we have any debt, and how will we handle it together? – Lay all cards on the table about debt. This includes student loans, credit cards, car loans – everything. Decide if you consider debt “ours” or “yours and mine.” Are you comfortable helping to pay your partner’s debts, or vice versa? Talk about a plan for paying it off as a team. Being on the same page here builds trust.
What are our career plans, and how might they impact our life together? – Share your long-term career goals. Do you plan to climb the ladder, switch fields, or go back to school? Discuss how your jobs will influence your marriage. If one of you gets a big promotion in another state, are you both willing to relocate? If one partner dreams of starting a business, can the other support that dream? Make sure you both feel heard and supported when it comes to career aspirations.
Where do we want to live and build our home? – Talk about what “home” means to each of you. Do you imagine settling in a city, the suburbs, or a rural area? Is living close to family important or would you consider moving far away for better opportunities? Also, discuss your expectations for housing: Do you want to rent for a while or buy a house soon? Some couples even plan to rent for the first year of marriage. The key is to share your vision of the future home you’ll create together.
Do we want children? If so, how many and when? – This is a big one. Make sure you both are on the same page about having kids. If yes, discuss timing (maybe you both want to wait a few years, or maybe not). How many children do each of you imagine? It’s okay if you don’t have an exact number, but do talk about expectations. If one of you isn’t sure about wanting kids or cannot have children, that’s a crucial conversation. Also, chat about parenting style: How would you handle discipline, education, and raising kids generally? Being aligned (or at least understanding each other’s stance) on children will prevent heartache later.
What are your views on religion or spirituality? – Differences in faith can affect a marriage, so talk about it openly. Are you both of the same religion, or do you have different beliefs? How important is your faith or spiritual practice in daily life? If one of you attends church/temple/etc. regularly, does the other plan to join? Discuss how you’ll celebrate religious holidays or ceremonies, especially if you come from different backgrounds. Respect and understanding are key here – you don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to support each other’s beliefs. Couples who share the same core faith often find it easier to align their values, but plenty of interfaith couples thrive through communication and respect.
How will we celebrate holidays and special occasions? – This might seem light, but it’s important. Talk about your traditions for holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, etc. Which family will you visit (and how will you decide each year)? Maybe you want to host holidays at your own home or start new traditions. Also discuss expectations for birthdays and anniversaries: Do you love big celebrations, or are you both low-key? Knowing these preferences helps avoid hurt feelings. For example, if your partner expects a huge birthday surprise and you’re thinking of just a card, you’ll want to know that in advance!
What do you think of each other’s family members? – Be honest (but kind) about how you feel regarding your future in-laws. Do you genuinely like and get along with each other’s parents and siblings? If there are tensions or concerns, talk through them together. Your spouse’s family won’t magically disappear after the wedding. How involved do they plan to be in your life? Set boundaries if needed – for instance, how often will you visit or how much say will they have in your decisions. Couples who agree on the role of in-laws tend to have smoother sailing. If one of you is very close to family and the other isn’t, find a balance that works for both of you.
How should we divide household chores and responsibilities? – Discuss who does what around the house. Will one of you handle cooking and the other handle cleaning? How do you feel about outsourcing tasks like lawn care or housecleaning? It’s best not to assume your partner will automatically do a certain chore. For example, some people grew up with Mom always paying the bills or Dad always fixing things, but your marriage can define its own roles. Create a plan that feels fair. Maybe you both chip in on everything, or you split duties based on what each person likes (or dislikes least!). Having a clear understanding will prevent frustration over one person feeling they do it all.
How do you handle stress, and how can I support you on hard days? – Everyone deals with stress differently. Share what you each need when you’re overwhelmed. Do you prefer quiet alone time, or do you need hugs and someone to talk to? If your partner comes home from a rough day, how will you know and what can you do to help (and vice versa)? For example, one person might say, “When I’m upset, I just need 30 minutes to unwind quietly,” while the other might say, “When I’m stressed, I really need a listening ear.” By understanding this, you can be there for each other in the way that actually helps. Asking “How can I help when you’re stressed?” is a loving way to show you care.
Where do you see us in five or ten years? – Let yourselves dream a little. Picture your life together in the future. Do you see yourselves living in a certain city or country? What kind of house do you imagine? Career-wise, will anything be different? This question helps ensure your long-term goals align. If one of you says, “In ten years I want to be traveling the world and not tied down,” and the other says, “I want us to be settled with two kids in a forever home,” that’s a discussion to have! Of course, life can take unexpected turns and plans change, but having a shared vision (or at least understanding each other’s vision) is important for moving in the same direction as a team.
What personal dreams or goals do you want to pursue, and how can we support each other in them? – Marriage is about supporting one another. Maybe your partner has always wanted to write a book, go back to school, or run a marathon. Maybe you want to learn a new language or start a small business. Share those dreams! Talk about how you can encourage each other. This is also a good time to discuss any deal we’ll make about supporting goals: for instance, if one of you needs to dedicate time or money to a passion project, will the other step up at home? Ensuring you both feel empowered to chase personal goals (not just couple goals) keeps resentment at bay and helps each of you grow as individuals.
How much alone time or personal space do we each need? – Everyone has different needs for solitude and social time. Are you someone who needs a quiet hour to yourself each day? Does your partner cherish a solo hobby or a night out with friends once a week? It’s healthy to have some independent time, even when you’re married. Discuss how you’ll balance togetherness and individuality. For example, you might agree that it’s okay to have a “guys’ night” or “girls’ night” regularly, or to spend Sunday mornings doing your own thing. This question is especially important if one of you is more introverted and the other more extroverted. Knowing each other’s needs for personal space helps prevent feelings of smothering or neglect.
What is your love language, and how do you prefer to give and receive affection? – Not everyone shows love the same way. Some people express love through words (“I love you” and compliments), others through actions (doing chores, giving gifts, physical touch, spending quality time). Share your “love language” with each other – the things that make you feel most loved. Also ask how your partner likes to show you love. For instance, maybe your fiancé always hugs you or holds hands (physical touch) but you really value when they spend quality time without distractions. This question helps you both understand how to keep each other’s “love tank” full. It can also include expectations about intimacy and sex. Be open about what makes you feel connected and happy in your intimate life. When you know what makes your partner feel loved, you can both make an effort to do those things, even years into marriage.
How will we keep our romance and connection strong over the years? – After the wedding and honeymoon phase, real life settles in. It’s important to have a plan (even a loose one) for keeping the spark alive. Discuss ideas for date nights and quality time. Will you set aside one night a week as date night with no work or kids interrupting? Some couples follow the “2-2-2 rule” – a date every 2 weeks, a weekend getaway every 2 months, and a longer vacation every 2 years. Others swear by the “777 rule” – a date every 7 days, an overnight trip every 7 weeks, and a week-long vacation every 7 months. You don’t have to follow a strict formula, but do make couple time a priority. “We schedule a fun date night every Friday, even if it’s just cooking dinner together and watching a movie,” says Kayla. The key is to continue dating each other and doing little things to show love, whether it’s dressing up for dinner or leaving sweet notes. Decide on a “date night rule” that works for you, and stick to it!
Are we open to premarital counseling or couples therapy if we need help? – Bringing in a professional can be a huge benefit to your relationship. Premarital counseling (talking with a therapist before you marry) can strengthen your future marriage by teaching you communication and conflict-resolution skills early on. It’s not just for couples with problems – think of it as preventative care for your marriage. Ask your partner how they feel about counseling. Would you both be willing to see a therapist if you hit a rough patch or have a serious disagreement you can’t resolve? There’s no shame in getting help. In fact, couples who do premarital education or counseling tend to have higher marital satisfaction and lower odds of divorce. If your partner is hesitant, reassure them that seeking help shows strength, not weakness. You two are a team, and sometimes a coach can make the team even stronger!
What big adventures or experiences do you want to share together? – Marriage isn’t just about tackling serious issues; it’s also about having fun together! Talk about some bucket-list items as a couple. Is there a dream vacation you both want to take? Maybe you want to backpack through Europe, start a family tradition of annual road trips, or even build your own home one day. Perhaps you both want to volunteer together for a cause or adopt a pet (more on pets next!). Sharing your dream adventures – big or small – brings you closer and gives you exciting goals to look forward to. It also ensures neither of you has a secret dream (like living abroad for a year, or buying an RV to travel the country) that the other isn’t aware of. Find the fun goals you share and promise to help each other achieve them.
Do we want pets, and how will we care for them? – For some couples, pets are part of the family. Are you a dog person, cat person, both, or neither? It’s good to know in advance. If one of you desperately wants a puppy but the other is allergic or not interested, that’s important to reconcile. Discuss any current pets you have and how marriage might affect their care. Also, how do you feel about pets sleeping in the bed, vet expenses, or training styles? Deciding things like “We’ll get a dog after we buy a house” or “We’ll always have at least two cats” can shape your future together. Pets bring lots of joy, but also responsibilities – make sure you agree on sharing duties like feeding, walks, and cleaning up. If you both say “no thanks” to pets, that’s fine too – just be on the same page.
Are there any habits or quirks we should know that bother each other (pet peeves)? – It’s time for a little honesty! No one is perfect, and living together can reveal small annoyances. Maybe you hate that they leave dirty clothes on the floor, or they get annoyed when you’re on your phone at dinner. Share these little pet peeves now, kindly, so you both are aware. Also share what you admire about each other – it’s just as important to know the positives! For example, “I admire how caring you are with your nieces and nephews,” or “I love that you’re so passionate about your work.” Knowing what your partner appreciates about you feels great, and knowing what irks them gives you a chance to adjust (if possible). This conversation can actually be fun and bring you closer. Laugh about the silly quirks and appreciate the good qualities. The goal isn’t to criticize; it’s to understand each other better and find solutions (or compromises) for any friction points.
What does marriage mean to you? – This is a deep one. Ask your partner what marriage signifies in their heart and mind. Is it a sacred, lifetime bond? A partnership through thick and thin? What values do they associate with being married (loyalty, honesty, teamwork, etc.)? Share your own view too. This question helps you make sure you both are entering this union with similar intentions. For some, marriage is mainly a public commitment of love; for others, it’s also about starting a family or building a life as one unit. If one of you expects marriage to instantly change things (like solve existing problems or always provide happiness), that’s worth discussing. Aligning on the meaning of marriage ensures you’re walking into it with shared expectations and mutual respect for the commitment you’re making.
What kind of couple traditions or rituals should we start? – Creating little rituals can make your marriage special. Brainstorm some fun traditions just for the two of you. Maybe it’s a Sunday pancake breakfast, a Wednesday evening walk, or an annual re-reading of your wedding vows on your anniversary. Some couples have a tradition of always kissing goodnight, no matter what. Others celebrate “monthly anniversaries” with a small treat. These rituals, whether daily, weekly, or yearly, act like glue in your relationship – they keep you connected and give you things to look forward to. Talk about what traditions sound meaningful or fun to start together. They don’t have to be elaborate; even a 5-minute coffee together each morning can be a cherished ritual. The point is to be intentional about maintaining your bond.
What are your biggest worries or fears about marriage or our future? – Give each other a chance to voice any anxieties. It’s normal to feel a little nervous about such a big life change! Maybe you fear divorce because your own parents split up, or you worry about losing independence. Maybe your partner is anxious about finances or living up to expectations. Talk it out gently. Reassure each other where you can. For example, if your fiancé says, “I’m afraid we might fight like my parents did,” you can discuss how you’ll communicate differently. If you say, “I’m worried about balancing work and family,” you can brainstorm solutions together. Being open about fears creates emotional intimacy – you show vulnerability and build trust by supporting each other. Often, just saying fears out loud and hearing “we’ll face it together” makes them far less scary.
How will we make important decisions together? – Marriage is a partnership, which means many joint decisions. Talk about your decision-making style as a couple. Are you both comfortable talking through pros and cons and reaching a compromise? Will one of you take the lead on certain types of decisions (for instance, one handles financial choices while the other handles social plans)? It’s good to agree that big decisions (moving, job changes, major purchases, parenting choices) will be discussed until you both agree. If you hit a stalemate, how will you resolve it? Some couples have a rule that whoever feels more strongly on an issue gets the final say, or they seek outside advice if needed. The key is to approach decisions as a team, not as two individuals doing their own thing. Knowing you have a plan for collaboration will give you confidence when those big life choices come up.
What do you think is the key to a happy, lasting marriage? – End on a positive note. Ask your partner what they believe makes a marriage successful. Is it communication, patience, respect, keeping a sense of humor? There’s no single right answer, but it’s heartwarming and insightful to hear their perspective. Share yours as well. You might find that you both value the same things (say, honesty and trust), which reinforces your compatibility. Or you might learn something new – perhaps your partner emphasizes “never stop dating each other” while you emphasize “always be willing to forgive.” Together, these make a great recipe! Write down your “keys” to a happy marriage and keep them in mind as guiding principles. As the years go by, revisiting this question can remind you of the foundation you set together.
Remember: the answers to these questions can evolve over time. Life will throw new situations your way, and people grow and change. The important part is committing to continue communicating as you navigate marriage. The fact that you’re discussing these topics now means you’re already on the right track. Keep that openness alive throughout your marriage – have check-ins, update each other on changing feelings or goals, and always listen with empathy.
Many couples also benefit from outside guidance. As mentioned, premarital counseling can strengthen your future marriage by equipping you with tools to handle challenges. And don’t forget to have fun together! Love and laughter go hand in hand. For more ideas, you might also read our post on critical questions to ask before getting married – it covers additional topics like communication styles and dealing with past relationships.
By asking these 25 questions (and any others on your mind), you’re investing in your relationship’s future. There may be some tough conversations, but there will likely be a lot of smiles and “I’m so glad we talked about this” moments too. You and your partner are building a life together – the more you know about each other, the stronger that life will be. Here’s to open conversations and a happy, healthy marriage!
Top Questions Couples Ask Before Getting Married
Q: What is the 2-2-2 rule in marriage?
A: The 2-2-2 rule is a fun strategy to keep your relationship strong. It suggests that every 2 weeks you go on a date night, every 2 months you go away for a weekend together, and every 2 years you take a week-long vacation just the two of you. The idea is to prioritize regular quality time as a couple, even when life gets busy. Many couples find that following a routine like this helps them stay connected and keep the romance alive.
Q: What should I know about my partner before marrying them?
A: Before getting married, you should know your partner on a deep level – not just their favorite color or TV show, but their values, life goals, and habits. Make sure you know how they handle money (are they a spender or saver?), how they react under stress or during conflict, and what they envision for the future (career aspirations, family plans). You should know their stance on having children, how they view marriage and commitment, and what their expectations are for roles as spouses (like who does what around the house, or whether both of you will work). It’s also important to know about their past – not every tiny detail, but anything significant that shapes who they are (for example, a previous marriage, a major loss, or personal challenges). Basically, you want to feel confident that you truly understand who your partner is – their character, their dreams, their fears – and that they understand you just as well. If there are any “blind spots” or topics you’ve never discussed, take time to talk about them now. Surprises in marriage (like discovering a hidden debt or an unrevealed desire to move abroad) can be tough, so it’s best to know as much as you can beforehand.
Q: What topics should we discuss before getting married?
A: It’s wise to discuss all the major areas of life. Some key topics to cover include:
Money: Budgeting, spending habits, saving goals, debts, and how you’ll handle finances as a team.
Children: If you want kids or not, how many, and philosophies on parenting and discipline.
Careers: Your job goals, plans if one person changes careers or if one wants to be a stay-at-home parent, etc.
Living arrangements: Where you’ll live (city, country, near family), whether you plan to rent or buy a home, and expectations for household chores.
Family and In-Laws: Boundaries with extended family, holiday plans, and how much involvement family will have in your lives.
Religion/Values: Your beliefs, religious practices, and how you’ll respect each other’s traditions or faith, especially if they differ.
Communication and Conflict: How you will communicate needs and resolve arguments. For example, will you talk things out right away or take cool-off time? How will you apologize and forgive?
Expectations in Marriage: Things like fidelity (monogamy expectations, which for most is a given, but still worth voicing), how you’ll handle friendships with others, and what each of you needs to feel loved (love languages, affection).
Future Goals: Your plans for 5, 10, 20 years down the road – where you want to live, career paths, retirement dreams, etc.
Deal-breakers and Personal Values: Are there any non-negotiables for either of you? For instance, heavy smoking, a certain lifestyle, or other factors that you absolutely cannot tolerate. It’s important to get these on the table now.
Discussing these topics helps ensure there are no huge surprises. It’s okay (and normal) if you find some differences – the goal is to talk them through and figure out how you’ll handle them together. The more you discuss before marriage, the more prepared you’ll be to face married life as a united front.
Q: How long should you wait in a relationship before getting married?
A: There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, because every couple and situation is different. However, many experts suggest that you date for at least one to two years before getting engaged or married. Waiting at least a year gives you time to experience life’s ups and downs together – you get to see your partner in different seasons and situations. It also allows that initial “honeymoon phase” infatuation to settle into a more realistic love, so you can be sure your bond is strong. That said, some couples meet and just know it’s right and get married sooner, while others date for many years. What’s most important is how well you know each other and how thoroughly you’ve discussed important issues (like the ones in this article!). If you’ve only been together a short time, consider a longer engagement to continue learning about each other. In short, don’t rush. Give your relationship enough time to prove itself. When you do decide to marry, you should feel confident that you truly know your partner deeply and are ready for that commitment.
Q: What is the 777 rule in a marriage?
A: The 777 rule is another formula some couples use to keep their marriage strong (similar to the 2-2-2 rule). The “rule” is: every 7 days, go on a date with your spouse; every 7 weeks, go away for a night together (like a mini-getaway); and every 7 months, take a longer break or vacation as a couple. The principle behind it is to regularly reconnect one-on-one, away from daily distractions. Spending quality time together consistently – weekly, monthly, and yearly – helps you bond intellectually and emotionally. Of course, the exact timing doesn’t have to be rigid. Not everyone can manage a trip every 7 months, and that’s okay. The spirit of the 777 rule is simply prioritizing your relationship. Some couples joke that if things get really busy, they might switch to a “555 rule” (doing things a bit more frequently) or adjust as needed. The key takeaway is to make sure you’re dedicating time to nurture your marriage. Whether it’s 7 days or 10 days, having a regular date night and periodic getaways keeps the romance alive.
Q: What is the 5-5-5 rule in marriage?
A: The 5-5-5 rule in marriage typically refers to a communication and mindset tool, especially during conflicts or tough moments. It encourages you to ask: Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 days? 5 years? In other words, it’s a way to put things in perspective. If you’re upset about something, pause and consider how important it really is in the grand scheme. For example, if your spouse left the cap off the toothpaste – in 5 days or 5 years, it won’t matter at all! This rule helps couples let go of minor annoyances and focus on what truly matters. It can de-escalate conflicts because you might realize you’re both worked up over something trivial. Some people also use “5-5-5” as a talking rule – one version is to spend 5 minutes each, uninterrupted, to voice your feelings, and then 5 minutes together finding a solution. But the most common meaning is the perspective-check during conflicts. By asking the 5-5-5 questions, couples practice mindfulness and avoid sweating the small stuff. It’s a simple trick that can lead to more patience and understanding in a marriage.
Q: What is the “date night rule” for marriage?
A: The “date night rule” basically means making date night a priority, not an option. In practice, it’s an agreement that no matter how busy life gets, you and your spouse will set aside dedicated time for just the two of you. For many couples, the rule is one date night per week (for example, every Friday is date night). For others it might be biweekly or whatever fits their schedule – the key is consistency. Some couples have particular guidelines, like “No phones or distractions on date night,” or “We take turns planning the date night each time.” A famous example: chef Gordon Ramsay and his wife Tana swear by a date night rule where they dress up for their dates as if it’s a special occasion, even if they’re just dining at home. The point of a date night rule is to keep your relationship fun and alive, as if you were still wooing each other. It could be a fancy dinner out, a movie night in, a walk in the park – whatever you both enjoy. By calling it a “rule,” you acknowledge that your marriage deserves that protected time. Think of it as a gentle promise: once a week (or as often as you decide), you’ll pause the outside world and focus on each other. Couples who follow a regular date night rule often report feeling more connected and appreciated in their marriage.
Q: Why do most second marriages fail?
A: It’s unfortunately true that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Statistics show that around 60%+ of second marriages end in divorce, compared to about 50% of first marriages. Why is that? There are a few common factors:
Blended Family Stress: Second marriages often involve stepchildren and ex-spouses, which can create complicated family dynamics. Loyalties can be divided (for example, conflicts with stepkids or co-parenting tensions with an ex). This added stress can strain the new marriage.
Unresolved Issues: If someone hasn’t fully healed from or addressed the problems of their first marriage, those issues might carry into the second. For instance, trust issues or communication patterns may repeat if not worked on.
Rushing In Quickly: Sometimes people enter a second marriage on the rebound or before really understanding what went wrong the first time. They might choose a new partner who is very similar to the first in the hopes of a different outcome, without giving themselves time to grow.
Financial Complications: Second marriages can face financial stress, especially if there are alimony or child support payments to a first spouse. Money problems, as always, can cause conflict.
Expectations and Baggage: In a second marriage, both partners come with life experience (which is a good thing) but also with baggage. There might be higher sensitivity to red flags, which can be good, but also might make someone quicker to consider divorce if things go wrong. Essentially, the threshold for walking away can be lower if you’ve done it before.
It’s important to note that while statistics are higher, not all second marriages fail – many are very happy! The ones that succeed often involve people who took lessons from their first marriage, communicate openly about the challenges (like how to handle stepfamily issues), and perhaps seek counseling to navigate the unique hurdles of remarriage. If you or your partner have been married before, it’s wise to discuss the points above and be very intentional about building a strong foundation together. With understanding and effort, a second marriage can absolutely thrive and even be better than the first. The past doesn’t have to repeat itself if you’re both committed to making it work. If you're in Colorado, we offer convenient virtual sessions or would love to welcome you in person at our Castle Rock office.
