How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust? A Therapist Explains
The Short Answer
Rebuilding trust takes 3-6 months for minor issues, 1-2 years for emotional affairs, and 2-5 years for physical affairs or major betrayals. With professional help, recovery is 3x more likely.
Broken Promises
3-6 mo
Emotional Affair
1-2 yrs
Physical Affair
2-5 yrs
If you're wondering...
You're not. This guide explains exactly what to expect and when.
You want an answer. A real one. Not "it depends" or "everyone's different." You want to know: How long until this stops hurting? How long until I can look at my partner without wondering? How long until we feel normal again?
Here's the truth most articles wont tell you: rebuilding trust after betrayal takes 18 months to 5 years. That's not a typo. And for many couples, the timeline is closer to two years than two months.
I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But honest expectations are better than false hope that leaves you feeling like a failure when you're "still not over it" at the six-month mark.
The good news? Understanding the real timeline, knowing what to expect at each phase, and recognizing the signs of progress can make the journey feel less overwhelming. And with the right support, many couples come out the other side stronger than before.
18-24
months minimum for affair recovery
3x
better recovery odds with professional help
67%
of couples recover with the right support
What you'll learn in this guide:
The Short Answer (And the Real Answer)
Let's get specific about timelines based on what type of trust was broken:
How Long to Rebuild Trust (By Situation)
Erosion Trust
3-6 monthsBroken promises, emotional distance, small lies, growing apart over time
Emotional Affair
1-2 yearsDeep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, secret conversations, emotional intimacy given to another person
Physical Affair
2-3 yearsSexual infidelity, one-time or short-term physical betrayal with another person
Long-Term Affair / Multiple Betrayals
3-5+ yearsAffairs lasting months or years, repeated infidelity, pattern of deception, multiple partners, or combined with financial/other betrayal
These timelines assume both partners are actively working on recovery. Without effort, trust may never fully rebuild.
These aren't arbitrary numbers. They come from research on affair recovery, clinical experience with thousands of couples, and the Gottman Institute's decades of relationship research.
Here's what the research tells us:
Couples who work with a therapist have 3x better chances of successful recovery
Most professionals agree on 18-24 months minimum for affair recovery
Year 1 is typically the hardest; Year 2 is when couples start feeling like themselves again
Without professional help, recovery often takes 3-5+ years or never fully happens
If your trust was broken by smaller issues like broken promises, emotional distance, or white lies, your timeline may be shorter: typically 3-6 months of consistent effort. But if there was a major betrayal, prepare for a longer road.
Why Does Trust Take So Long to Rebuild?
You might be thinking: "I've forgiven them. Why cant I just move on?"
Because trust isn't just an emotion. It's a prediction your brain makes based on accumulated evidence. And your brain doesn't update predictions easily, especially after trauma.
Why Your Brain Needs Time to Trust Again
Your Amygdala Goes on High Alert
After betrayal, your brain's alarm system treats your partner as a potential threat. This hypervigilance isn't paranoia. It's your nervous system trying to protect you.
Your Brain Keeps a "Trust Metric"
Your brain tracks positive vs. negative interactions. After betrayal, that metric is deeply negative. Getting back to neutral requires hundreds of positive data points over time.
Cortisol Keeps You in Survival Mode
Stress hormones remain elevated for months after betrayal. Your body needs time to return to baseline before deep trust can rebuild.
Neural Pathways Need Rewiring
New patterns of trust require creating new neural pathways. This happens through repeated positive experiences over 12-24 months, not through a single apology.
Your Brain After Betrayal
When trust is broken, especially through a major betrayal, your brain responds the way it would to any threat. The amygdala (your brain's alarm system) goes on high alert. Cortisol floods your system. Your nervous system shifts into survival mode.
This isn't weakness. It's biology.
Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for over 40 years, describes trust as a "sliding door moment" that happens over and over. Every interaction is an opportunity to build or erode trust. Your brain is constantly calculating: Is this person safe? Can I count on them?
After betrayal, that calculation is fundamentally broken. Your brain has logged a massive data point that says: This person can hurt me. This person lied. This person isn't safe.
Rebuilding trust means giving your brain enough new, positive data points to update that prediction. And that takes time, way more time than most people expect.
The "Trust Metric" in Your Brain
According to Gottman's research in The Science of Trust, your brain keeps a running tally of positive and negative interactions. After betrayal, that metric is deeply in the negative.
To get back to neutral (not even positive, just neutral), you need:
Consistent honesty over months, not days
Hundreds of small moments where your partner follows through
Evidence that they understand the depth of pain they caused
Time for your nervous system to calm down
This is why "I said I'm sorry, what more do you want?" doesn't work. One apology doesn't offset months or years of deception. Your brain needs ongoing evidence, not a one-time statement.
The 4 Phases of Trust Recovery
Trust doesn't rebuild in a straight line. It moves through distinct phases, each with its own timeline and challenges.
The 4 Phases of Trust Recovery
CRISIS
Weeks 1-8Survival mode. Shock, intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms, emotional flooding. Goal: Stabilization, not resolution.
UNDERSTANDING
Months 2-6Processing what happened. Hard conversations, repeated questions, grief work. Goal: Making meaning of the betrayal.
REBUILDING
Months 6-18Active trust-building work. New patterns, daily transparency, small risks, returning intimacy. Goal: Creating new relationship patterns.
INTEGRATION
Year 2+The betrayal becomes part of your story, not the whole story. Automatic trust, future focus, deeper intimacy. Goal: A stronger relationship.
Progress isn't linear. Expect to move back and forth between phases, especially during stress or after triggers.
Phase 1: Crisis (Weeks 1-8)
This is survival mode. Everything feels raw. You might experience:
Intrusive thoughts and mental movies
Difficulty sleeping or eating
Inability to focus on work or daily tasks
Mood swings between rage, sadness, and numbness
Physical symptoms like nausea, chest pain, or exhaustion
What to expect: This phase is NOT about rebuilding trust. It's about stabilizing. The hurt partner needs to process the initial shock. The partner who caused harm needs to demonstrate immediate accountability and cut off any ongoing betrayal.
Timeline: 4-8 weeks, though intense symptoms may last longer
The goal: Survival and initial stabilization, not resolution
If you're in this phase right now, you might be experiencing betrayal trauma symptoms. Understanding what's happening to you can help you feel less crazy.
Phase 2: Understanding (Months 2-6)
The acute crisis has passed, but you're far from healed. This phase involves:
Processing what happened and why
Asking questions (sometimes the same ones repeatedly)
The hurt partner working through grief, anger, and fear
The partner who caused harm demonstrating ongoing accountability
Beginning to understand the vulnerabilities that led here
What to expect: Lots of hard conversations. Some days feel like progress, others feel like you're back at square one. This is normal. Healing isn't linear.
Timeline: Months 2-6, though this phase can extend if new information surfaces
The goal: Understanding the story of what happened and beginning to make meaning of it
Phase 3: Rebuilding (Months 6-18)
This is where actual trust-building happens. The crisis has passed. Understanding has begun. Now comes the slow work of:
Creating new patterns of communication
Building daily habits of transparency
The hurt partner taking small risks to trust again
The partner who caused harm consistently following through
Developing new rituals of connection
Addressing underlying relationship issues
What to expect: Trust starts to feel possible again. Triggers still happen but are less intense. You can have conversations without them spiraling. Intimacy may slowly return.
Timeline: 6-18 months of consistent effort
The goal: Establishing new patterns and beginning to believe change is real
This is an ideal time to practice trust exercises for couples that create intentional moments of connection and vulnerability.
Phase 4: Integration (Year 2+)
The betrayal becomes part of your story, not the whole story. This phase involves:
Trust feeling more automatic, less forced
The relationship feeling different but often stronger
Less hypervigilance, more presence
Ability to discuss the past without intense pain
Creating a shared vision for the future
The betrayal no longer dominating daily life
What to expect: The relationship has been rebuilt on a new foundation. Many couples report deeper intimacy than before because they've done the work instead of taking trust for granted.
Timeline: Year 2 and beyond
The goal: A relationship that's stronger for having been tested
8 Factors That Affect How Fast You Heal
Not everyone heals on the same timeline. These factors can speed up or slow down your recovery:
What Affects Your Timeline?
⚡ SPEEDS UP RECOVERY
Full disclosure from the start (no trickle truth)
Genuine accountability without defensiveness
Professional support (therapist or counselor)
Complete no-contact with affair partner
Strong support system for hurt partner
🐢 SLOWS DOWN RECOVERY
Ongoing deception (even "small" lies)
Rushing the hurt partner's timeline
Previous betrayals or trauma history
Unaddressed mental health or addiction
Ambivalence from either partner
Factors That SPEED UP Recovery
1. Full disclosure from the start When the partner who caused harm tells the complete truth immediately, recovery is faster. "Trickle truth" (revealing information slowly over time) resets the clock with each new disclosure.
2. Genuine accountability Not "I'm sorry you're upset" but real ownership: "I did this. It was wrong. I understand why you're hurting." Defensiveness or blame-shifting slows everything down.
3. Professional support Research shows couples who work with a therapist have significantly better outcomes and faster recovery times. A skilled therapist provides structure when emotions feel chaotic.
4. No contact with affair partner If the betrayal involved another person, complete and immediate no-contact is required. Ongoing contact makes recovery nearly impossible.
5. The hurt partner's support system Having friends, family, or a therapist to process with (outside the relationship) helps the hurt partner heal faster.
Factors That SLOW DOWN Recovery
1. Ongoing deception Any continued lying, even about small things, destroys progress. The hurt partner's hypervigilance isn't paranoia. It's their brain protecting them from more pain.
2. Rushing the process "It's been three months, why aren't you over this?" This pressure makes things worse. Healing takes as long as it takes.
3. Previous betrayals If this isn't the first time trust was broken (in this relationship or past ones), recovery takes longer. Each betrayal compounds the wound.
4. Unaddressed mental health issues Depression, anxiety, addiction, or unprocessed trauma in either partner can significantly extend the timeline.
5. Lack of commitment from both partners Recovery requires two people fully invested. If one partner is ambivalent about staying, progress stalls.
Signs You're Making Progress
How do you know if things are actually getting better? Look for these markers:
Signs You're Making Progress
Early Progress
Middle Progress
Later Progress
Early Progress Signs (Months 1-6)
You can get through some days without the betrayal dominating your thoughts
Conversations about what happened don't always escalate
The partner who caused harm is consistently transparent without being asked
Physical symptoms (sleep issues, appetite changes) are improving
You're starting to take care of yourself again
Brief moments of connection or even laughter are returning
Middle Progress Signs (Months 6-12)
Triggers still happen but recovery from them is faster
You can spend enjoyable time together without intrusive thoughts
The hurt partner is occasionally willing to be vulnerable again
Trust is starting to rebuild in small ways
You're beginning to talk about the future
Intimacy (emotional and/or physical) is slowly returning
Later Progress Signs (Year 1+)
The betrayal is no longer the first thing you think about
Trust feels more automatic, less forced
You can discuss what happened without intense emotional flooding
New positive memories are being created
The relationship feels different but stable
Both partners feel more connected than before
If you're not seeing these signs at the expected times, that doesn't mean recovery is impossible. It might mean you need additional support, or there's an underlying issue that needs addressing.
Red Flags You're Stuck
Sometimes recovery stalls. Watch for these warning signs:
Warning Signs You're Stuck
Having the same conversation on repeat
Months have passed and you're still having identical arguments without new insight or movement.
One partner is "done talking about it"
The partner who caused harm wanting to move on before the hurt partner is ready is a major red flag.
Discovering new deceptions
Even "small" lies during recovery are catastrophic. Each new discovery resets the clock.
Symptoms getting worse, not better
If anxiety, depression, or intrusive thoughts are intensifying over time, professional help is needed.
One partner refuses therapy
If things aren't improving and one partner wont consider professional help, that signals their commitment level.
These red flags dont mean you should give up. They mean you need a different approach, usually with professional support.
Warning Signs Recovery Isn't Progressing
You're having the same conversation over and over If months have passed and you're still having identical arguments without any new insight or movement, something is stuck.
One partner is "done talking about it" The partner who caused harm wanting to "move on" before the hurt partner is ready is a major red flag. Recovery cant be rushed by one person's timeline.
There's ongoing deception Even "small" lies during recovery are catastrophic. If you discover new deceptions, the clock resets.
The hurt partner is getting worse, not better If symptoms are intensifying rather than gradually improving, professional help is needed.
You're staying for the wrong reasons Fear, finances, or children aren't enough to rebuild trust. Both partners need to genuinely want the relationship.
One partner refuses professional help If things aren't improving and one partner won't consider therapy, that tells you something about their commitment.
If you're experiencing these red flags, it doesn't mean you should give up. It means you need a different approach, almost always with professional support.
What a Couples Therapist Wants You to Know
The hardest thing about rebuilding trust is accepting that it cant be rushed. I watch couples get frustrated at the three-month mark, wondering why things aren't better yet. But three months after a major betrayal is still early. Your brain is still in protective mode. Your nervous system hasn't calmed down yet. Real recovery happens in year two, not month two. The couples who make it are the ones who stop watching the clock and start focusing on consistent, daily effort. Small actions, repeated over time. That's what rebuilds trust. Not grand gestures. Not promises. Just showing up, telling the truth, and doing it again tomorrow.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Why Some Couples Come Out Stronger
Here's something that might surprise you: many couples who successfully recover from betrayal report their relationship is better than before.
How is that possible?
Before the betrayal, they might have been coasting. Taking each other for granted. Avoiding hard conversations. Letting problems fester.
The crisis forced them to actually look at their relationship. To talk about things they'd avoided for years. To rebuild intentionally instead of accidentally.
The couples who emerge stronger share these traits:
Both partners fully committed to the process
They got professional help early
The partner who caused harm took complete responsibility
They addressed underlying issues, not just the betrayal
They were patient with the timeline
They created new relationship patterns, not just returned to old ones
This doesn't mean betrayal is a "good thing." It isn't. But it can be a turning point if both people choose to use it that way.
When You Need Professional Help
These exercises and timelines are helpful, but some situations require professional support:
Seek couples therapy if:
There was an affair or major betrayal
You've been stuck in the same place for months
One or both partners have trauma histories
There's addiction involved
You're considering separation
Communication keeps breaking down
Either partner has mental health concerns
At South Denver Therapy, we specialize in helping couples rebuild after betrayal. We use evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and EMDR for trauma-related trust wounds.
Need Help Rebuilding Trust?
Recovery is 3x more likely with professional support. Our couples therapists specialize in betrayal recovery using evidence-based approaches. We serve Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and all of Colorado.
The Bottom Line
How long does it take to rebuild trust? Here's the honest answer:
For erosion trust (grown apart, broken promises): 3-6 months with consistent effort
For betrayal trust (affairs, major deception): 18 months to 5 years
With therapy: Recovery is approximately 3x more likely and significantly faster
Without addressing underlying issues: Recovery may never fully happen
The timeline isn't something to dread. It's something to respect. Your brain and nervous system need time to heal. Your partner needs time to demonstrate real change. Your relationship needs time to rebuild on a stronger foundation.
Don't compare your progress to anyone else's. Don't let your partner rush you. Don't give up at month six because you're "not over it yet."
Healing takes as long as it takes. The couples who make it are the ones who accept that truth and keep showing up anyway.
📋 Key Takeaways
Realistic timelines: 3-6 months for erosion trust, 18 months to 5 years for betrayal trust.
4 phases of recovery: Crisis (weeks 1-8), Understanding (months 2-6), Rebuilding (months 6-18), Integration (year 2+).
Professional help matters: Couples who work with a therapist have 3x better recovery odds.
What speeds recovery: Full disclosure, genuine accountability, no contact, and professional support.
What slows recovery: Ongoing deception, rushing the process, and refusing to get help.
Many couples come out stronger because they rebuild intentionally instead of taking trust for granted.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples therapy and betrayal recovery. She has helped hundreds of couples rebuild trust after infidelity and reconnect after years of emotional distance. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy in Castle Rock, Colorado.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to rebuild trust after cheating?
Most research and clinical experience suggests 18 months to 3 years minimum to rebuild trust after infidelity. For long-term affairs or multiple betrayals, the timeline can extend to 5 years or more. Couples who work with a therapist typically recover faster than those who try to heal alone.
Why is rebuilding trust taking so long?
Trust isn't just an emotion. It's a prediction your brain makes based on accumulated evidence. After betrayal, your brain has logged a massive data point that says your partner isn't safe. Rebuilding requires giving your brain hundreds of new positive experiences over months and years to update that prediction. Your nervous system also needs time to calm down from the trauma response.
Can trust ever be fully restored?
Yes, research shows approximately 60-70% of couples can fully recover after betrayal with proper support and effort from both partners. Many couples report their relationship becomes stronger than before because they intentionally rebuild rather than taking trust for granted. However, full recovery requires genuine accountability, consistent effort, and usually professional guidance.
Is it normal to still not trust my partner after a year?
Yes, this is completely normal after a major betrayal. Year 1 is typically the hardest, with most couples reporting they start feeling like themselves again in Year 2. If you're not seeing any progress at all, consider whether both partners are fully committed, if there's been ongoing deception, or if professional support is needed.
Does couples therapy speed up trust recovery?
Yes, significantly. Research shows couples who work with a therapist have approximately 3x better chances of successful recovery compared to those who try to heal alone. Therapy provides structure, tools, and guidance during an emotionally chaotic time. Without professional help, recovery often takes 3-5+ years or never fully happens.
What if my partner wants me to "just get over it" faster?
A partner who pressures you to heal faster is actually slowing down the recovery process. Rushing creates additional harm and signals they may not fully understand the depth of pain they caused. Healing takes as long as it takes, and the partner who caused harm doesn't get to set the timeline. If they're unwilling to be patient, that's important information about their commitment to recovery.
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