Trust Exercises for Couples: 10 Activities That Rebuild Security
67%
of couples recover after betrayal with proper help
5 min
daily is enough to start rebuilding trust
10
therapist-approved exercises in this guide
Does this sound familiar?
Trust can be rebuilt. These exercises show you exactly how, step by step.
You used to tell each other everything. Now you wonder what they're thinking. You used to feel safe. Now you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Trust doesn't disappear overnight. It erodes slowly through broken promises, white lies, emotional distance, or a single devastating betrayal. And once it's damaged, "just trust me" doesn't cut it anymore.
Here's what most people get wrong about rebuilding trust: they think time heals it. Time doesn't heal trust. Intentional action does.
These 10 trust exercises for couples are the same ones we use in our therapy practice. They're backed by research from the Gottman Institute and decades of clinical work with couples. Some take five minutes. Others require real vulnerability. All of them work, if you actually do them.
Quick Answer
What are trust exercises for couples?
Trust exercises are intentional activities that help couples build or rebuild emotional safety. They work by creating small moments of vulnerability and follow-through that, over time, rewire how partners see each other. Research shows couples who practice trust-building activities report higher relationship satisfaction and stronger emotional bonds.
5-15
minutes per exercise
3-6
months to rebuild trust
67%
of couples recover after betrayal with help
Why Trust Exercises Actually Work
Trust isn't just a feeling. It's a prediction your brain makes about whether someone will come through for you.
Every time your partner says they'll do something and does it, your brain logs that as evidence. Every time they don't, that gets logged too. Dr. John Gottman calls this the "trust metric" in his book The Science of Trust. Your brain is constantly calculating: Can I count on this person?
Trust exercises work by giving your brain new data points. Small, consistent experiences that say: This person shows up. This person tells the truth. This person cares about my feelings.
There's also a biological component. Physical closeness releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Eye contact activates your limbic mirror system, which helps you feel what your partner feels. These aren't just nice ideas. They're measurable changes in your nervous system that make trust feel possible again.
But here's the catch: trust exercises only work when both partners are willing to be vulnerable. You cant build trust while keeping your guard up. That's why choosing the right exercise for where you are matters.
The 3 Types of Trust Breakdown
Not all trust issues are the same. A couple recovering from an affair needs different exercises than a couple who's just grown distant. Before you pick an exercise, you need to know what you're working with.
Which Type of Trust Issue Do You Have?
Erosion Trust
Most CommonTrust has worn down slowly over time through small disappointments, broken promises, or emotional distance. No single event caused it.
Signs: Feeling disconnected, assuming the worst, less sharing, parallel lives
Betrayal Trust
Needs Extra CareA specific event shattered trust: an affair, major lie, financial betrayal, or hidden addiction. There's a clear "before" and "after."
Signs: Intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, checking behaviors, triggers, PTSD-like symptoms
Foundation Trust
Deeper Work NeededOne or both partners struggle to trust anyone due to childhood experiences, past relationships, or attachment wounds.
Signs: Trust issues in multiple relationships, fear of vulnerability, self-sabotage, walls up early
Many couples have a combination. Start with exercises that match your primary issue.
If you're dealing with betrayal trust, you may also be experiencing betrayal trauma symptoms. Understanding what you're going through can help you approach these exercises with more self-compassion.
How to Choose the Right Trust Exercise
With 10 exercises to choose from, where do you start? This quick assessment will point you in the right direction.
Find Your Starting Point
Answer honestly. There's no wrong answer.
How would you describe your current situation?
Pro tip: Don't try all 10 at once. Pick 2-3 exercises and practice them consistently for 4-6 weeks before adding more.
The 10 Trust Exercises
We've organized these into four categories based on the Gottman Institute's research on what builds lasting trust: connection, vulnerability, repair, and commitment. Each exercise includes exactly what to do, how long it takes, and why it works.
Foundation Exercises (Start Here)
These exercises establish basic emotional safety. If you skip this foundation, the harder exercises wont work.
Exercise 1: The Daily Check-In
Time: 5-10 minutes | Difficulty: Easy | Best for: All couples
This is the single most effective trust-building habit you can develop. Dr. Gottman calls it the "stress-reducing conversation" and his research shows couples who do it have significantly stronger relationships.
How to do it:
At the end of each day, sit together without screens for 5-10 minutes. Take turns sharing:
One thing that stressed you today (not about your relationship)
One thing you're grateful for
One thing you need from tomorrow
The listener's only job is to understand, not fix. Ask follow-up questions. Validate their feelings. Don't offer solutions unless asked.
Why it works: This exercise builds trust through predictability. Your partner learns they can count on this time with you. They learn you'll listen without judgment. Over weeks and months, these small deposits add up to a solid trust foundation.
The Daily Check-In
5-10 min daily • Foundation exercise
TONIGHT'S PROMPTS:
"What stressed you out today?"
"What's one thing you're grateful for?"
"What do you need from tomorrow?"
Remember: Listen to understand, not to fix. Save relationship issues for a different conversation.
Exercise 2: The Trust Definition Talk
Time: 20-30 minutes | Difficulty: Medium | Best for: All couples
Most couples have never actually defined what trust means to them. You might be working toward completely different goals.
How to do it:
Set aside time when you're both calm. Take turns answering these questions:
"What does trust feel like to you when it's strong?"
"What makes you feel less trusting?"
"What's one thing I do that helps you trust me?"
"What's one thing that would help you trust me more?"
Write down each other's answers. This becomes your trust roadmap.
Why it works: Trust means different things to different people. For one partner, trust might mean total transparency with phones and passwords. For another, it might mean emotional availability. This exercise aligns your expectations so you're building toward the same goal.
Vulnerability Exercises
Trust requires vulnerability. These exercises help you practice being emotionally open in safe, structured ways.
Exercise 3: Progressive Disclosure
Time: 15-20 minutes weekly | Difficulty: Medium | Best for: Erosion trust, Foundation trust
Intimacy researchers have found that gradually sharing personal information builds trust faster than staying surface-level or dumping everything at once.
How to do it:
Each week, share something new with your partner that you haven't told them before. Start small and go deeper over time:
Week 1-2: A childhood memory they don't know
Week 3-4: Something you're proud of that you don't talk about
Week 5-6: A fear or insecurity
Week 7-8: Something you've never told anyone
Take turns. The listener thanks their partner for sharing and asks one follow-up question. No judgment, no fixing.
Why it works: Each disclosure is a small risk. When your partner responds with care instead of criticism, your brain logs it as evidence: It's safe to be vulnerable with this person.
Exercise 4: Four-Minute Eye Gazing
Time: 4 minutes | Difficulty: Surprisingly hard | Best for: All couples
This one sounds simple but most couples find it intense. Research shows eye contact activates the limbic mirror system in your brain, helping you literally feel what your partner feels.
How to do it:
Sit facing each other, knees close or touching. Set a timer for 4 minutes. Look into each other's eyes without talking. You can blink. You might laugh, cry, or feel awkward. That's normal.
When the timer goes off, share one word that describes how you feel.
Why it works: We spend most of our time looking at screens, not each other. This exercise forces presence. It releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and creates a moment of connection that's hard to achieve any other way.
Four-Minute Eye Gazing
4 min • Vulnerability exercise
STEP BY STEP:
Sit facing each other, knees touching
Set a timer for 4 minutes
Look into each other's eyes (blinking okay)
No talking until the timer ends
Share one word for how you feel
It's normal to feel awkward, laugh, or get emotional. That's the point.
Exercise 5: The 15-Minute Cuddle
Time: 15 minutes | Difficulty: Easy | Best for: All couples, especially after conflict
Physical touch releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol (the stress hormone). But for couples with trust issues, physical intimacy often decreases. This exercise rebuilds physical connection without pressure.
How to do it:
Set aside 15 minutes with no agenda except physical closeness. No phones. No TV. No expectation that it leads anywhere sexual.
Cuddle in whatever position feels comfortable. Focus on the sensation of your partner's body against yours. Their warmth. Their breathing. If your mind wanders, bring it back to the physical experience.
Why it works: Touch is a direct line to your nervous system. Regular, non-sexual physical affection tells your body: This person is safe. Over time, this changes how you physically respond to your partner's presence.
If physical closeness feels difficult right now, that's okay. You might want to read our guide on setting healthy boundaries in relationships first.
Repair Exercises (After Betrayal)
These exercises are specifically designed for couples recovering from a significant breach of trust. They follow the Gottman Institute's "Atone, Attune, Attach" framework for affair recovery.
The Gottman Trust Revival Method
Research-backed framework for healing after betrayal
ATONE
The partner who caused harm takes full responsibility. No excuses, no blame-shifting. Answer questions honestly. Cut off contact with affair partner. Demonstrate genuine remorse.
ATTUNE
Rebuild emotional connection through empathy and understanding. Learn to process difficult emotions together. Develop new communication patterns. Create emotional safety.
ATTACH
Recommit to the relationship with new agreements. Build shared rituals and future vision. Restore physical and emotional intimacy. Create immunity against future betrayals.
Source: Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last?
Exercise 6: The Transparency Check-In
Time: 10 minutes daily | Difficulty: Hard (but necessary) | Best for: Betrayal trust
After a betrayal, the hurt partner often feels like a detective. They're constantly looking for signs of deception. This exercise flips the dynamic by making transparency proactive rather than reactive.
How to do it:
The partner who caused the harm initiates a daily transparency check-in. They share:
Where they went today
Who they talked to
Any moments that might concern their partner
One thing they did today to invest in the relationship
The hurt partner can ask follow-up questions. The goal is to make honesty a habit, not something that has to be demanded.
Why it works: Trust after betrayal requires evidence. Lots of it. This exercise provides daily data points that say: I have nothing to hide. Over time (usually 6-12 months), the hurt partner's nervous system starts to believe it.
Important: This is a temporary exercise, not a permanent arrangement. As trust rebuilds, the frequency naturally decreases. If it still feels necessary after a year, that's a sign you need professional support.
Exercise 7: The Apology That Actually Heals
Time: Variable | Difficulty: Hard | Best for: Betrayal trust, Erosion trust
Most apologies don't work because they're incomplete. Research on effective apologies identifies five components that must all be present for an apology to actually rebuild trust.
How to do it:
A complete apology includes all five elements:
Express regret: "I'm sorry for what I did"
Take responsibility: "It was my choice. No excuses"
Make restitution: "What can I do to make this right?"
Genuinely repent: "I'm committed to never doing this again"
Request forgiveness: "I hope you can forgive me someday. I'll wait"
The hurt partner doesn't have to accept the apology or offer forgiveness. They just listen and acknowledge it was received.
Why it works: Incomplete apologies actually damage trust further. When someone says "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry, but...", it feels dismissive. A complete apology demonstrates full accountability, which is the foundation of atonement.
The 5 Components of a Healing Apology
Express Regret
"I'm deeply sorry for the pain I caused you."
Take Responsibility
"This was my choice. There's no excuse for what I did."
Make Restitution
"What can I do to help repair the damage?"
Genuinely Repent
"I'm committed to making sure this never happens again."
Request Forgiveness
"I hope you can forgive me someday. I'll wait as long as it takes."
All 5 components must be present. Partial apologies often make things worse.
Exercise 8: The Trigger Response Plan
Time: 30 minutes to create, 5 minutes to use | Difficulty: Medium | Best for: Betrayal trust
Triggers are unavoidable during trust recovery. A song, a location, a time of day can suddenly flood the hurt partner with pain. Without a plan, these moments often lead to conflict. With a plan, they become opportunities to rebuild.
How to do it:
Together, create a trigger response plan:
Step 1: Identify common triggers (places, times, topics, sensory experiences)
Step 2: Create a signal. The hurt partner says something like "I'm having a moment" or uses a code word.
Step 3: Agree on a response. The other partner might say: "I see you're hurting. I'm here. What do you need right now?"
Step 4: Options for what comes next:
"I need you to hold me"
"I need to talk about it"
"I need space but check on me in 10 minutes"
"I need reassurance about [specific thing]"
Why it works: Triggers will happen. The question is whether they drive you apart or bring you closer. This exercise turns potential conflicts into moments of connection and care.
Commitment Exercises
These exercises build toward the future. They're about creating a shared vision and making trust a daily practice, not just a repair project.
Exercise 9: The Shared Vision Board
Time: 60-90 minutes | Difficulty: Fun | Best for: All couples
Couples with shared goals report higher relationship satisfaction. This exercise helps you dream together and align on where you're headed.
How to do it:
Get a poster board, magazines, printed images, or use a digital tool like Pinterest or Canva. Spend an hour creating a visual representation of your future together.
Include:
Where you want to live
How you want to spend your time
What your relationship looks like
Individual and shared goals
Words that describe your ideal partnership
Discuss where your visions align and where compromises might be needed.
Why it works: Trust includes trusting that you're headed in the same direction. This exercise makes your shared future tangible and gives you something to work toward together.
Exercise 10: The Weekly Appreciation Ritual
Time: 10 minutes weekly | Difficulty: Easy | Best for: All couples (essential for maintenance)
Dr. Gottman's research found that stable couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This exercise helps you maintain that ratio intentionally.
How to do it:
Once a week, sit together and share three specific appreciations. Be detailed:
Not: "I appreciate you" But: "I appreciate how you made coffee for me Tuesday morning without me asking. It made me feel cared for."
Write them down in a shared journal or notes app. Over time, this becomes a record of everything good in your relationship.
Why it works: Trust erodes when we focus on what's wrong. This exercise trains your brain to notice what's right. It also gives your partner clear feedback on what makes you feel loved and valued.
All 10 Trust Exercises at a Glance
Foundation
Vulnerability
Repair (After Betrayal)
Commitment
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust?
This is the question everyone asks. The honest answer: it depends.
Realistic Timeline for Rebuilding Trust
1-2
months
Building New Habits
Exercises feel awkward but you're showing up. Small moments of connection starting to feel natural.
3-6
months
Evidence Accumulating
Consistent follow-through creating new neural pathways. Triggers still happen but less intense. Starting to believe change is real.
6-12
months
Deeper Healing
Trust becoming more automatic. Less hypervigilance. Ability to be vulnerable returning. Setbacks still possible but recoveries faster.
1-2
years
New Foundation
Relationship feels different but often stronger than before. Trust built on tested evidence, not assumptions. Deeper intimacy possible.
After major betrayal, expect 1-2 years minimum. After erosion, 3-6 months with consistent effort.
For a deeper dive into realistic timelines, see our complete guide: How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust?
What a Couples Therapist Wants You to Know
Trust isn't rebuilt through grand gestures. It's rebuilt through hundreds of small moments where your partner shows up, tells the truth, and follows through. The couples who heal aren't the ones who do everything perfectly. They're the ones who keep trying, even after setbacks. Even when it's hard. These exercises work because they create those small moments intentionally. They give you a structure when emotions feel chaotic. And over time, they change how your nervous system responds to your partner.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
When Trust Exercises Aren't Enough
These exercises are powerful, but they're not a substitute for professional help in certain situations.
Consider couples therapy if:
There was an affair or major betrayal
You've tried these exercises for 3+ months without progress
One partner isn't willing to participate
There's ongoing deception or trickle truth
Trust issues are connected to addiction
Either partner has trauma that's being triggered
You're stuck in the same arguments repeatedly
At our practice, we specialize in helping couples rebuild trust after betrayal and disconnection. We use evidence-based approaches including Relational Life Therapy and EMDR therapy for trauma-related trust wounds.
Ready to Rebuild Trust Together?
Our couples therapists specialize in helping partners heal after betrayal and disconnection. We serve Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and all of Colorado through online therapy.
Free Resources for Building Trust
Looking for more support? Check out these resources:
Free Therapy Resources: Worksheets, Workbooks & Tools - Downloadable exercises for couples
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships - Boundaries are essential for trust
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions - Other challenges couples face
📋 Key Takeaways
Trust is rebuilt through action, not time. Consistent small moments matter more than grand gestures.
Different trust issues need different approaches. Erosion, betrayal, and foundation trust each require specific exercises.
Start with 2-3 exercises. Consistency beats quantity. Practice for 4-6 weeks before adding more.
Expect 3-6 months minimum for erosion trust, 1-2 years for betrayal trust with consistent effort.
Seek professional help if there was major betrayal, exercises aren't working, or one partner won't participate.
Many couples emerge stronger. Intentionally rebuilt trust is often more resilient than trust that was never tested.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples therapy and trauma recovery. She helps partners rebuild trust after betrayal and reconnect after years of emotional distance. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy in Castle Rock, Colorado.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best trust exercise for couples?
The Daily Check-In is the single most effective trust exercise for most couples. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who spend just 5-10 minutes daily sharing their stresses and appreciations build significantly stronger trust over time. It works by creating predictability and showing your partner you'll listen without judgment.
How long does it take to rebuild trust in a relationship?
For trust that has eroded slowly, expect 3-6 months of consistent effort to see meaningful change. For trust broken by betrayal (like an affair), research suggests 1-2 years is typical for full recovery. The key factor isn't time alone but consistent, intentional trust-building actions throughout that period.
Can trust be fully restored after cheating?
Yes, research shows approximately 60-70% of couples can fully recover after infidelity with proper support and effort from both partners. Many couples report their relationship becomes stronger than before because they intentionally rebuild rather than taking trust for granted. Success requires the unfaithful partner taking full responsibility and both partners committing to the healing process.
What are signs trust is being rebuilt?
Signs trust is rebuilding include: less frequent checking behaviors, fewer intrusive thoughts about betrayal, ability to enjoy time together without hypervigilance, decreased anxiety when apart, more willingness to be vulnerable, fewer defensive reactions during conversations, and longer periods between triggers. Progress isn't linear, so expect some ups and downs.
Should I do trust exercises if my partner caused the damage?
Yes, but with an important distinction. The partner who caused harm should initiate most repair exercises (like transparency check-ins and healing apologies). Both partners participate in connection exercises (like daily check-ins and appreciation rituals). The hurt partner shouldn't have to do the heavy lifting of repair, but they do need to be willing to receive repair attempts for trust to rebuild.
What if my partner won't do trust exercises?
If your partner refuses to participate in trust-building efforts, that's significant information about their commitment to the relationship. You cant rebuild trust alone. Consider having a direct conversation about what their reluctance means, and seek couples therapy where a professional can help navigate the resistance. Individual therapy can also help you decide how to move forward if your partner remains unwilling.
Related Articles
Trust Issues in Relationships: Causes, Signs & How to Heal
Understanding where trust issues come from
Betrayal Trauma: 14 Symptoms and How to Heal
When broken trust becomes trauma
Signs of an Emotional Affair: 19 Warning Signs
Recognizing boundary violations before they escalate
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
Other challenges couples face and how to address them
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust?
Realistic timeline from a therapist's perspective
