Premarital Counseling: Your Common Questions Answered

Premarital counseling is a special type of couples therapy that helps partners prepare for marriage. It provides a safe space to discuss important topics and build skills for a strong, healthy marriage. Many people assume premarital counseling is only for religious couples or those “with problems,” but that isn’t true. I often tell couples that premarital counseling isn’t about fixing a failing relationship – it’s about strengthening a good one for the future. In this friendly Q&A guide, we’ll answer the most common questions people have about premarital counseling, from what it is and when to start to what to expect, costs, topics covered, and how it can benefit your marriage.

What Is Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counseling is guidance and therapy for couples before they get married. Usually led by a licensed therapist (like a marriage and family therapist), these sessions help couples discuss key issues and learn relationship skills before tying the knot. Think of it as pre-season training for marriage – you tackle important conversations early so you’re better prepared for life together. Topics often include communication, conflict resolution, finances, future goals, family plans, and more (we’ll detail these later).

The counselor’s role is to facilitate honest conversations in a supportive, neutral setting. This way, both partners can share their expectations, values, and concerns about marriage. The goal isn’t to judge or point out “flaws,” but to give you tools and insights to handle challenges down the road. As one expert explains, premarital counseling provides a safe space to explore each person’s background, beliefs, and hopes for the future, helping couples build a foundation of trust, empathy, and mutual respect from day one.

In short, premarital counseling is for any committed couple that wants to invest in a happy future. It’s not just for the religious or for couples in trouble – it’s for everyone who wants their marriage to thrive. In my experience as a therapist, the couples who choose premarital counseling are being proactive. They’re saying, “We love each other and want to be sure we’re setting ourselves up for success.” Far from being a negative sign, it’s a positive step.

When Should We Start Premarital Counseling?

It’s best to start premarital counseling well before your wedding day – giving yourselves enough time to cover important topics without rushing. Many experts suggest beginning a few months before the wedding, typically about 3 to 6 months in advance. This timeframe lets you schedule several sessions (often one per week or biweekly) and still have time to reflect on what you’ve learned before the big day. Starting early means you can work through any issues or tough conversations at a relaxed pace, instead of feeling crunched for time.

Some counselors even recommend starting as soon as possible once you’re engaged – or even prior to engagement if you’re seriously discussing marriage. You don’t necessarily need a wedding date set to begin these conversations. In fact, one marriage therapist noted that six to nine months of good premarital counseling can go a long way and advises couples not to wait until wedding planning stress is in full swing. The idea is to invest in your marriage before investing in the wedding.

Every couple is different, so “when to start” might also depend on your specific situation. If you have a very long engagement (say over a year), you might still choose to start within that last 6-8 month window so the discussions are fresh and relevant to your current lives. On the other hand, if your engagement is short, even a few sessions a month or two before the wedding can be helpful. In my experience, earlier is better. I often tell couples, “Don’t wait until you’re sending out invitations to start working on your relationship skills.” Starting premarital counseling early gives you breathing room to absorb new ideas and put them into practice ahead of marriage. Plus, it can actually reduce stress during wedding planning, because you’re focusing on your relationship, not just the event.

What Can We Expect During Premarital Counseling Sessions?

It’s normal to feel a little nervous if you’ve never been to counseling before. What actually happens in premarital counseling? The process is generally friendly and structured – nothing scary! Here’s what you can usually expect in sessions:

• An Initial Meeting (Assessment): In the first session, the therapist will get to know you as a couple. They might ask how you met, what your strengths and struggles are, and what goals you have for counseling. This helps the counselor understand your relationship dynamics and any specific areas you want to focus on. I often start by having each person share what they love about their partner and what they hope to get out of the counseling. It sets a positive tone!

• Guided Conversations on Key Topics: The counselor will lead you through discussions on important topics (see the next section for common ones). Rather than a lecture, think of it as the therapist posing questions or scenarios, and helping you both communicate your thoughts. For example, you might each talk about your expectations for handling money or how you deal with conflict. The therapist ensures both partners have a chance to speak and be heard, and will offer guidance or tools as needed.

• Learning and Practicing Skills: Premarital counseling isn’t just talk – it’s also about learning practical skills for marriage. You’ll likely learn better ways to communicate (like how to express feelings without blaming, or how to really listen to your partner) and techniques for resolving disagreements calmly. The therapist might teach you how to use “I” statements instead of accusations, or how to take a break in a heated argument and come back to the issue later. Some counselors give couples exercises or homework – for instance, practicing a budgeting exercise together, or reading an article and discussing it. These activities help you apply what you learned in real life.

• A Safe, Judgment-Free Space: A good premarital counselor creates a comfortable atmosphere. Sessions are confidential and you can bring up anything without fear of judgment. If a topic feels sensitive (like differences in religion or one person’s debt), the counselor will help you navigate it respectfully. Many couples are relieved to have a neutral third person who can moderate tough conversations so they don’t turn into fights. In my sessions, I emphasize that I’m not taking sides; I’m on the side of the relationship. We’re a team, all working toward the goal of a strong marriage.

• Personalized Guidance: Every couple is unique. The counselor will tailor the discussions to your situation. For example, if one of you had divorced parents and worries about repeating that, the therapist might spend extra time on that concern. If you’ve already lived together for years and have a child, your needs will differ from a couple who’s never cohabited. Good premarital counseling adapts to focus on the areas that will benefit you two the most.

Usually, premarital counseling is short-term. Many couples meet with their counselor for about 5 to 8 sessions, often weekly or biweekly. Each session typically lasts around an hour (some might go 90 minutes). By the end, you’ve covered all the major topics and have a toolbox of strategies for married life. Of course, you can always do more sessions if you have more to work on, or even do a yearly “tune-up” session after marriage if you want. The point is to get you talking and preparing now, so you head into marriage feeling confident and connected.

What Topics Are Covered in Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counseling is pretty comprehensive – it dives into all those big life areas that marriage will touch. Every couple is a bit different, but most premarital counseling will cover common core topics that are crucial for a harmonious marriage. Here are some of the typical topics and questions you’ll explore:

• Communication Styles: How do each of you communicate, and how can you communicate better? You’ll learn ways to speak and listen so that you both feel understood. (Example: Do you tend to shut down during arguments while your partner wants to hash it out? How will you handle that?)

• Conflict Resolution: Every couple has disagreements. You’ll discuss how you currently handle conflict and learn healthier techniques to resolve arguments without hurting each other. This might include setting “ground rules” for fair fighting, or learning to take a pause when emotions run high.

• Finances: Money is a common friction point in marriage. Counseling encourages you to lay out your financial situations, spending and saving habits, and financial goals. You’ll discuss whether you combine finances or keep separate accounts, budgeting, debt, and attitudes toward spending. (Example questions: “What does financial security look like to you?” “Are we savers or spenders, and how will we compromise?”)

• Family and Parenting Plans: If you haven’t already, you’ll talk about whether you both want children, when you might have them, and how you envision raising them. It’s important to be on the same page about kids. You’ll also discuss family dynamics like how involved in-laws will be, boundaries with extended family, and how each of your upbringings might affect your parenting styles.

• Intimacy and Sex: Premarital counseling is a good time to discuss expectations around your sex life and intimacy after you’re married. Couples sometimes have unspoken worries here (“Will things change after we marry?”). The counselor can help you talk openly about affection, frequency, and keeping romance alive long-term. This also includes discussing any personal boundaries or concerns either partner has.

• Roles and Expectations: Marriage often comes with assumptions – like who will do which household chores, or whether both partners will work full-time, or how you’ll handle things if one of you gets a big job opportunity. Counseling prompts you to share your expectations about roles (e.g. division of labor at home) and future plans (career goals, possibly moving, etc.). The idea is to avoid surprises later by understanding each other’s vision of married life.

• Values and Beliefs: You’ll explore your core values – things like religion or spirituality, cultural traditions, or moral principles – and how they will play a part in your marriage.If you come from different faiths or cultures, for example, discussing how you’ll blend traditions or handle religious practice in your household is important. Even if you share a faith, talking about how you’ll involve it in your marriage (or in raising kids) is wise.

• Trust and Commitment: A strong marriage requires trust. Counseling encourages open talk about trust, jealousy, past infidelities if any, and how to maintain trust. You’ll also reaffirm your commitment to each other and discuss what commitment means to both of you. Sometimes couples create or revisit their personal promises/values as a pair.

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it covers the biggies. Basically, any topic that would be critical for a married couple to navigate is fair game in premarital counseling. You might also discuss things like how to support each other’s mental health, where you’ll spend holidays, or what you’ll do if one of you gets a dream job in another state. The counselor will tailor the sessions to the issues most relevant to you. And you can always bring up your own questions. In fact, premarital counseling is a perfect place to ask “What should we know about each other before marriage?” and dive into those answers with guidance. (For more ideas on important conversations, check out our blog on critical questions to ask before getting married – it offers great examples of topics couples should discuss early on.)

Remember, discussing these things before marriage can prevent a lot of conflicts later. It’s much easier to work out a compromise on, say, budgeting or holiday plans now, rather than being shocked after the wedding that you had totally different expectations. Premarital counseling gives you both clarity on where you agree and where you’ll need to work together and adapt.

How Much Does Premarital Counseling Cost?

Cost is naturally a big question for many couples (weddings are expensive, after all!). The cost of premarital counseling can vary depending on your location, the counselor’s qualifications, and how many sessions you do. On average in the U.S., a premarital counseling session costs about $125 to $175 for a 60-minute session. Some therapists may charge as low as ~$100 per session or as high as $250-$300 in big cities or for highly experienced counselors. Many couples go through at least ~5 sessions, so the total investment might be on the order of $600 to $900 (for five sessions). Of course, if you do more sessions, the total will be higher.

For example, if a counselor charges $150 per session and you do 6 sessions, that’s $900. Some counseling practices offer package deals (like a set program of 5 sessions for a flat fee) or sliding-scale fees based on income. It’s a good idea to discuss fees with your therapist upfront so you both know what to expect financially.

While a few hundred or a thousand dollars might seem like a lot, couples often consider it money well spent. Compared to the average cost of a wedding (or the cost of potential misunderstandings down the road), premarital counseling is a relatively small investment in your relationship’s future. I often tell couples, “You’re spending thousands on a one-day wedding celebration; don’t forget to invest in the decades of marriage to follow.” Premarital counseling helps ensure those decades are happier ones.

Tip: If budget is a concern, look for options in your community. Sometimes religious institutions offer premarital workshops or counseling for free or a modest donation (even if you’re not very religious, some of the programs can be useful). Universities with graduate counseling programs might have low-cost clinics. Just be sure the person leading it has training in couples counseling.

Does Premarital Counseling Really Reduce the Risk of Divorce?

One big reason couples consider premarital counseling is the hope that it will lead to a stronger marriage and lower chance of splitting up later. Research suggests that it does help. Studies have consistently found that couples who participate in premarital counseling report higher marital satisfaction and lower divorce rates. In fact, premarital counseling (or education) has been associated with a significant reduction in the likelihood of divorce. One review noted it can cut the risk of divorce by around 30%, which is notable.

Why would this be the case? Likely because premarital counseling gets couples aligned on important issues and teaches them how to handle conflict before those patterns set in. By learning to communicate better and resolve issues early, couples are less likely to fall into destructive habits that can lead to divorce. It’s like getting preventative care for your relationship – addressing potential problems before they become crises. Couples often emerge from premarital counseling feeling more connected, understanding each other on a deeper level, and being on the same page about their future. This creates a strong foundation that can make them more resilient when life challenges come along.

Of course, premarital counseling isn’t a 100% guarantee that a marriage will last forever (nothing is). But it statistically improves your odds and gives you tools to navigate difficulties. Even in happily married couples, those who did premarital counseling frequently say it taught them valuable skills and insights that kept their relationship strong over time.

Another benefit: attending counseling signals that both partners are willing to work on the relationship. That attitude itself – being open to growth and change – is linked to marital success. By contrast, couples who avoid discussing issues or assume “love is enough” might be caught off guard by conflicts later. Premarital counseling encourages realistic expectations for marriage, which is important. Unrealistic expectations can set a marriage up for disappointment, whereas frank discussions and problem-solving set it up for success.

So yes, premarital counseling can genuinely strengthen your future marriage. It’s not just a feel-good exercise; it has tangible long-term benefits. (We even wrote more on this topic in our blog How Premarital Counseling Can Strengthen Your Future Marriage – feel free to read that for a deep dive into the benefits and some research findings.)

Is Premarital Counseling a Red Flag for the Relationship?

Absolutely not. There’s a common misconception that if a couple seeks counseling before marriage, it must mean something is “wrong” or that they’re having doubts. In reality, premarital counseling is often a sign of health, not trouble. Think of it this way: if someone takes a marriage preparation course or reads books on marriage, we’d say they’re being responsible. Premarital counseling is similar, just more personalized. One counseling center put it nicely: rather than being a sign of trouble, premarital counseling is a proactive investment in a couple’s future. It means you care enough about your relationship to make it the best it can be.

If your partner suggests premarital counseling, it’s usually a positive sign. It shows they are committed to the marriage and want to put in effort to make it last. It’s not a hidden way of saying “something’s wrong with us.” In fact, many counselors encourage all couples to do some premarital preparation, even if things are going great. Just like you’d do preventive maintenance on a car that’s running fine (to keep it running well), you do counseling to keep your relationship running smoothly.

Of course, if a couple is having serious issues while engaged – for example, constant fights or trust issues – then premarital counseling is definitely important, and it can help them decide if those issues can be resolved. But even those situations don’t mean counseling is a “red flag” – rather, ignoring big issues would be the red flag! Addressing them head-on with a professional can only help.

Some might wonder, “If we need counseling, does that mean we’re not meant for each other?” The answer is no – needing or wanting guidance is normal. As one premarital counselor explained, couples who come to premarital sessions aren’t there to break up; they usually already feel they are meant to be together. They’re just wise enough to seek tools to protect that relationship. In my experience, the real red flag is when a couple refuses to talk about important issues. Premarital counseling ensures you do talk about them.

In short: Premarital counseling is not a bad sign. If anything, it’s a green flag that both of you are serious about making your marriage successful. It shows maturity and teamwork. So don’t let outdated stigma deter you – even very happy, compatible couples benefit from premarital counseling (and likely stay happy because of it!).

Will Premarital Counseling Be Awkward?

It’s totally normal to feel a little awkward at first — you’re opening up about personal things like money, sex, and future goals with someone you just met. Most couples feel that way in the beginning, but it usually fades quickly. A good counselor will help you ease into the process with lighter questions, humor, and a calm, judgment-free environment.

You don’t have to spill everything in the first session. You can open up at your own pace, and the therapist will meet you where you are. Many couples end up saying the awkward topics were actually the most helpful ones.

So yes, it might feel a little weird at first — but that’s often a sign you’re growing together. Before long, it’ll feel like a safe space you actually look forward to.

Do Premarital Counselors Ever Recommend Breaking Up?

This question comes up more often than you’d think – people worry, “What if the counselor sees some huge incompatibility and tells us we shouldn’t get married?” The simple answer is: premarital counselors are not in the business of breaking couples up. Their goal is to help you have a successful marriage, not to stop it from happening. So they’re not looking for reasons to tell you “It’s hopeless, call off the wedding.”

In fact, it’s rare for a counselor to directly advise a breakup in premarital counseling. As one expert noted, couples don’t attend premarital counseling to break up – those who come already believe in their relationship. The counselor’s job is to facilitate understanding. They might help reveal areas where you two disagree, but then they work with you on finding common ground or compromises.

That said, premarital counseling can occasionally uncover serious issues. For example, if during counseling it becomes clear that one partner definitely wants children and the other definitely never wants children, that’s a major life-goal conflict. In such a case, the counselor will help you both process that. They might say, “This is a really significant difference. How do you see yourselves handling this? It might be something that could jeopardize your marriage if unresolved.” They’ll encourage you to decide how to handle it. If a breakup or postponement of the wedding becomes a consideration, it’s usually the couple arriving at that decision, not the counselor imposing it. The therapist might support you whichever path you choose – even if that means taking more time to sort things out.

There are also situations (though uncommon in engaged couples counseling) where a counselor might strongly urge against proceeding – for instance, if there is abuse in the relationship or extremely toxic behavior. In cases of emotional or physical abuse, the ethical duty of a therapist is to ensure safety, which could mean advising the victim not to commit deeper or to seek help. But in typical scenarios absent abuse, the counselor respects that the decision to marry or not marry is ultimately yours.

Think of the counselor as an educator and mediator, not a judge. Their aim is to give you clarity, not to give you a thumbs-up or thumbs-down as a couple. If you two have significant incompatibilities, the counselor will bring those into the open and help you discuss them. Sometimes couples do decide to postpone or cancel a wedding after realizing through counseling that they have irreconcilable differences – but again, that’s their decision, often a mutual one, reached with new insight. And if that happens, painful as it is, it might be for the best. But in the vast majority of cases, premarital counseling ends with the couple feeling more confident about getting married, not less.

So don’t be afraid that the therapist is trying to “find a reason” you shouldn’t be together. I often tell couples: “I’m not here to pull you apart, I’m here to help glue you together more strongly.” Premarital counselors succeed when you go on to have a thriving marriage. We’re rooting for you! Our role is to equip you for the journey, and part of that is making sure you’ve addressed any potential roadblocks. But you are the drivers of your relationship. If something truly isn’t workable, you two will come to that realization yourselves; a counselor just shines a light. Otherwise, we focus on teaching you how to navigate and thrive despite differences.

What Percentage of Couples Do Premarital Counseling?

You might wonder, “Are we weird for doing this? Do most couples even go to premarital counseling?” Actually, it’s more common than you might think. A 2025 survey by The Knot found that about 30% of engaged or newlywed couples had done premarital counseling, and the number jumps to 39% among Gen Z. Other studies suggest up to half of couples have some form of premarital prep, including church-based programs.

The stigma around therapy is fading, and more couples are choosing to invest in their relationship before the wedding day. Some even get a discount on their marriage license for taking a course. So no — you’re not weird. You’re just part of a growing group of couples who are planning not just a wedding, but a strong marriage.

Final Thoughts: Building Your Marriage on a Strong Foundation

Premarital counseling is all about setting your future marriage up for success. It might cover a lot of topics and bring up serious questions, but at its heart it’s a positive, empowering process. You’ll laugh, you might tear up, you’ll almost certainly learn new things about your partner (and yourself!). By the end, you should feel that you and your future spouse truly understand each other’s needs and dreams on a deeper level.

Remember, every marriage will face challenges – but couples who have prepared for them are in a much better position to handle whatever comes. You’ll have communication tools to work through conflicts, financial plans to reduce money stress, alignment on big decisions, and a habit of open dialogue. These are priceless gifts to carry into married life. Research and real-life experience show that doing this preparation can pay off with a happier, more resilient marriage.

If you’re considering premarital counseling, my advice is: go for it. Approach it with an open mind and honesty. It’s not a test to pass or fail – it’s an opportunity to learn and grow together. And it’s absolutely normal to have lots of questions going in (hopefully this article answered many of them!). As Kayla, a premarital therapist, I often tell couples: “The work you put in now is one of the best investments you can make in a lifetime of love.” By taking the time to prepare for marriage, you’re already showing that you’re committed to each other’s happiness and willing to work as a team. That speaks volumes about the bright future ahead of you.

Here’s to building a strong foundation for a joyful, lasting marriage!

Related: 25 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Saying “I Do”