EMDR and Relationships: How Trauma Therapy Creates Healthier, Happier Connections

Written By Kayla Crane
EMDR Therapist near me

You and your partner keep having the same fight. Over and over. Different words, same hurt feelings.

Maybe you shut down when they try to get close. Or you get anxious when they need space. Something from your past keeps showing up in your present—and it's hurting your relationship.

Here's what most people don't realize: the problems in your relationship today often started long before you met your partner.

Past trauma—whether from childhood, a previous relationship, or a painful life event—gets stored in your brain in a way that keeps you stuck. It shapes how you communicate. How you trust. How close you let people get.

The good news? There's a therapy that can actually change this. It's called EMDR therapy, and it's helping people build stronger, healthier relationships by healing the wounds that get in the way.

In this guide, you'll learn exactly how EMDR works to improve your relationships—whether you're struggling with communication, trust issues, emotional distance, or intimacy problems.

🔍 Is Trauma Affecting Your Relationship?

Check any that feel true for you. The more boxes you check, the more trauma may be impacting your connection.

Checked 3 or more? Past trauma may be affecting your relationship. The good news: EMDR therapy can help you process these experiences and build a healthier connection.

What Is EMDR Therapy (And Why Does It Help Relationships)?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. That's a mouthful, so let's break it down simply.

When something painful happens to you, your brain normally processes it over time. You think about it, feel the feelings, and eventually it becomes just a memory—something that happened, but doesn't bother you anymore.

But with trauma, this process gets stuck. The memory stays "frozen" in your brain exactly as it felt when it happened. All those emotions, body sensations, and negative thoughts stay attached to it.

That's why you can get triggered by something small and suddenly feel like you're right back in that painful moment. Your brain hasn't finished processing what happened.

EMDR therapy uses a technique called bilateral stimulation—usually eye movements, but sometimes tapping or sounds—to help your brain finally process these stuck memories. It's like hitting "play" on something that's been paused.

The World Health Organization and the Department of Veterans Affairs both recommend EMDR as an effective treatment for trauma. But here's what makes it powerful for relationships: when you heal your individual trauma, your relationship dynamics often change too.

Kayla Crane, LMFT - Couples Therapist in Castle Rock, Colorado

When couples come to me stuck in the same fights over and over, there's almost always unprocessed trauma underneath. It's not that they don't love each other—it's that their nervous systems are reacting to old wounds, not the present moment. EMDR helps us get to the root of those reactions so couples can finally respond to each other instead of their past.

Kayla Crane, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist | EMDR Trained

South Denver Therapy, Castle Rock, CO

How EMDR Therapy Works

Your brain's natural healing process, unlocked

1

Trauma Gets "Stuck"

Painful experiences get frozen in your brain with all the original emotions, body sensations, and negative beliefs attached.

2

Triggers Activate Old Wounds

Something in the present—your partner's tone, a certain look, a familiar situation—activates the stuck memory. You react as if the past is happening now.

3

EMDR Activates Processing

Bilateral stimulation (eye movements, tapping, or sounds) activates both sides of your brain while you briefly focus on the memory—like hitting "play" on something paused.

4

Memory Gets "Filed Away"

Your brain reprocesses the experience. The memory stays, but the emotional charge fades. Triggers lose their power. You can respond to the present without the past hijacking you.

The result? You can finally be present with your partner without your past getting in the way.

How Past Trauma Shows Up in Your Relationship

You might be thinking, "I don't have trauma. Nothing really bad happened to me."

But trauma isn't just about major events like abuse or accidents. Your nervous system can also get stuck from:

  • Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents

  • Being criticized or dismissed as a child

  • Experiencing rejection in past relationships

  • Going through a painful breakup or divorce

  • Feeling abandoned or alone during difficult times

  • Being bullied or left out

  • Witnessing conflict between your parents

These experiences shape your attachment style and create beliefs about yourself that you carry into every relationship.

If you grew up feeling like you weren't good enough, you might constantly seek reassurance from your partner—or pull away before they can reject you first.

If you learned that showing emotions wasn't safe, you might shut down when your partner tries to connect.

Research shows that people who experienced childhood trauma have lower relationship satisfaction and higher rates of divorce. Not because they're "bad at relationships," but because their nervous system is still responding to threats that aren't there anymore.

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Understanding your patterns is the first step to changing them

💚

Secure Attachment

In relationships: Comfortable with intimacy and independence. Can communicate needs clearly. Handles conflict well.

EMDR can strengthen existing healthy patterns and address any specific trauma that's causing problems.

❤️‍🔥

Anxious Attachment

In relationships: Fears abandonment. Needs frequent reassurance. May become clingy or jealous. Hypervigilant to signs of rejection.

EMDR can process early experiences of abandonment or inconsistent caregiving that created this fear.

💙

Avoidant Attachment

In relationships: Values independence highly. Uncomfortable with too much closeness. May shut down emotionally or withdraw during conflict.

EMDR can process experiences where closeness felt unsafe or where emotional needs weren't met.

💜

Disorganized Attachment

In relationships: Wants closeness but also fears it. Push-pull dynamics. May swing between anxious and avoidant behaviors.

EMDR can be especially powerful here, processing the contradictory early experiences that created this conflict.

5 Ways EMDR Therapy Improves Your Relationship

1. EMDR Helps You Communicate Without Getting Triggered

Ever notice how a simple conversation with your partner can suddenly escalate? One minute you're talking about who's doing dishes, the next minute someone's crying or slamming doors.

That's your nervous system getting triggered. Something your partner said or did—their tone, their words, their facial expression—activated an old wound. Suddenly you're not just arguing about dishes. You're reacting to every time you've ever felt dismissed, criticized, or unheard.

EMDR helps by processing those underlying memories. When your brain finally files away those old experiences, you stop overreacting to the present moment.

After EMDR, you can:

  • Hear feedback without feeling attacked

  • Ask for what you need without guilt or shame

  • Stay calm during difficult conversations

  • Listen to your partner without planning your defense

Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When your trauma responses quiet down, you can finally talk—and listen—like two adults who love each other.

2. EMDR Rebuilds Trust (Even After It's Been Broken)

Trust is fragile. It can be damaged by infidelity, dishonesty, broken promises, or even consistent emotional neglect.

But here's something important: trust issues often existed before the betrayal happened.

If you grew up with unpredictable caregivers, part of you might have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your partner's betrayal might have confirmed what you already believed: people can't be trusted.

Or maybe you're the one who struggles to be trustworthy. Maybe you keep secrets or avoid commitment because getting close feels too scary.

EMDR helps by processing the original experiences that made trust feel dangerous. It can address:

  • Betrayal trauma from infidelity

  • Early experiences of broken trust

  • Fear of vulnerability and being hurt

  • Negative beliefs like "I can't trust anyone" or "I always get hurt"

When couples go through affair recovery, EMDR can help the betrayed partner process the trauma of discovery. It can also help the unfaithful partner understand what drove them to cheat—and heal those wounds too.

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

How EMDR helps at each stage of healing

😰

Stage 1: Crisis (Weeks 1-4)

Shock, disbelief, intense emotions. The discovery is fresh and painful.

How EMDR helps: Stabilizes intense trauma responses. Reduces flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.

🔍

Stage 2: Understanding (Months 1-3)

Questions, seeking answers, trying to make sense of what happened.

How EMDR helps: Processes the traumatic discovery. Helps both partners understand underlying patterns.

🔧

Stage 3: Rebuilding (Months 3-12)

Creating new patterns, establishing boundaries, slowly rebuilding connection.

How EMDR helps: Addresses deeper wounds that contributed to the betrayal. Installs positive beliefs about the future.

💕

Stage 4: New Beginning (Year 1+)

A stronger relationship built on honesty, transparency, and genuine understanding.

How EMDR helps: Continues processing any remaining triggers. Creates future templates for healthy relating.

Recovery timeline varies for each couple. With professional support, many couples report their relationship becomes stronger than it was before.

3. EMDR Creates Space for Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Intimacy requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires safety.

If your past taught you that being vulnerable gets you hurt, your brain will do everything it can to protect you—even when you're with someone safe.

This might look like:

Sexual intimacy can be especially affected by past trauma. Survivors of sexual abuse, assault, or even emotional violations often struggle with physical closeness. Their body remembers feeling unsafe, even if their mind knows their partner is safe.

EMDR helps by removing the emotional charge from these memories. Research published in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research shows that trauma processing leads to improvements in emotional regulation and relationship satisfaction.

As the fear and shame lift, you can:

  • Let your guard down with your partner

  • Build emotional intimacy through deeper conversations

  • Enjoy physical closeness without anxiety or flashbacks

  • Feel truly seen and accepted by your partner

4. EMDR Breaks Negative Relationship Patterns

Do you keep dating the same type of person? Keep having the same arguments? Keep ending up in the same painful situations?

These patterns aren't random. They're driven by unprocessed memories and the beliefs they created.

If your first relationship taught you that love means chasing someone unavailable, you might keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners.

If you witnessed your parents criticize each other, you might have learned that conflict means contempt and stonewalling—even though you hate doing it.

EMDR can help you:

  • Identify the early experiences that created your patterns

  • Process those memories so they lose their power

  • Replace negative beliefs with healthier ones

  • Develop new ways of relating to your partner

This is especially helpful for the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic that traps so many couples. When the pursuer heals their fear of abandonment and the withdrawer heals their fear of engulfment, they can finally meet in the middle.

Where Your Relationship Patterns Come From

And how EMDR can help you change them

Pattern You push people away when they get too close
Possible Root Cause:

You learned early that getting close to people leads to pain—maybe a parent left, or love felt conditional.

How EMDR Helps:

Processes those early experiences so your brain stops assuming closeness = danger. Replaces "I'll get hurt" with "I can handle intimacy safely."

Pattern You need constant reassurance from your partner
Possible Root Cause:

Inconsistent caregiving or fear of abandonment as a child created a belief that love could disappear at any moment.

How EMDR Helps:

Reduces the emotional charge of abandonment memories. Builds internal security so you don't need constant external validation.

Pattern You shut down during conflict
Possible Root Cause:

Conflict in your childhood home was scary or dangerous. Withdrawal became a survival strategy.

How EMDR Helps:

Processes memories where conflict felt threatening. Helps your nervous system understand that disagreement ≠ danger.

Pattern You keep choosing unavailable partners
Possible Root Cause:

An emotionally unavailable parent made "chasing" love feel normal. Healthy love may even feel boring by comparison.

How EMDR Helps:

Heals the original wound of not being fully loved. Creates space to recognize and receive healthy love when it's offered.

5. EMDR Helps You Show Up as Your Best Self

The healthiest relationships happen between two healthy individuals.

When you're carrying unprocessed trauma, you bring it into everything—your communication, your reactions, your expectations, your ability to give and receive love.

EMDR helps you become the partner you want to be by:

Kayla Crane, LMFT - Couples Therapist in Castle Rock, Colorado

One of the most rewarding parts of my work is watching couples realize that the person they've been fighting isn't their partner—it's a ghost from their past. After EMDR, I see clients show up differently. They can hear their partner's concerns without getting defensive. They can ask for what they need without fear. That's when real intimacy becomes possible.

Kayla Crane, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist | EMDR Trained

South Denver Therapy, Castle Rock, CO

How EMDR Works with Couples Therapy

If you're already in couples counseling or considering it, you might wonder how EMDR fits in.

There are several ways to combine these approaches:

Individual EMDR alongside couples therapy: One or both partners attend individual EMDR sessions to process their personal trauma while also attending couples sessions to work on the relationship. This is the most common approach and allows each person to do deep individual work.

Conjoint EMDR: Sometimes, having a partner present during EMDR can be powerful. The partner watches as their loved one processes a painful memory, gaining deeper understanding and empathy. This can strengthen emotional bonds and help partners connect over each other's pain.

Sequential processing: A couple might process a shared trauma—like recovering from an affair or the loss of a child—both individually and together.

EMDR also pairs well with other therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method. Many therapists integrate these modalities to create a comprehensive treatment plan.

EMDR + Couples Therapy: Your Treatment Options

Finding the right approach for your situation

Most Common

Individual EMDR + Couples Sessions

Each partner does EMDR individually while also attending couples counseling together. Best for most situations.

✓ Deep individual work ✓ Privacy for each partner ✓ Relationship focus too

Conjoint EMDR (Partner Present)

One partner watches while the other processes memories. Builds deep empathy and understanding.

✓ Increases partner empathy ✓ Strengthens connection ✓ Creates shared understanding

EMDR for Shared Trauma

When both partners experienced the same traumatic event (affair discovery, loss, accident), processing can happen both individually and together.

✓ Heals shared wounds ✓ Rebuilds together ✓ Creates new narrative

Not sure which approach is right for you? Book a free consultation and we'll help you figure out the best path forward.

Schedule Free Consultation →

What to Expect in EMDR Therapy for Relationship Issues

EMDR follows an eight-phase protocol that typically includes:

  1. History and treatment planning - Your therapist learns about your past, your relationships, and what you want to work on

  2. Preparation - You learn coping skills and build trust with your therapist

  3. Assessment - You identify specific memories or beliefs to target

  4. Desensitization - Using bilateral stimulation, you process the targeted memory

  5. Installation - Positive beliefs are strengthened

  6. Body scan - Any remaining physical tension is addressed

  7. Closure - The session ends with stabilization techniques

  8. Re-evaluation - Progress is assessed in subsequent sessions

Sessions typically last 60-90 minutes. Most people see significant improvement within 6-12 sessions, though this varies based on your trauma history.

You don't have to share every detail of your painful memories. EMDR can be effective even without extensive verbal processing, which is why some people prefer it to traditional talk therapy.

The 8 Phases of EMDR Therapy

What to expect in your EMDR sessions

1

History & Planning

Your therapist learns about your past, relationships, and what you want to work on. Together, you create a treatment plan.

2

Preparation

You learn coping skills and relaxation techniques. Your therapist explains how EMDR works and answers your questions.

3

Assessment

You identify specific memories to target, along with the negative beliefs and physical sensations connected to them.

4

Desensitization

Using bilateral stimulation, you process the targeted memory. This is where the healing happens as distress decreases.

5

Installation

Positive beliefs are strengthened and linked to the memory. "I'm worthless" becomes "I am worthy of love."

6

Body Scan

Your therapist checks for any remaining physical tension or discomfort related to the memory.

7

Closure

Each session ends with stabilization. You leave feeling calm and grounded, with tools to use between sessions.

8

Re-evaluation

At your next session, progress is assessed. You discuss what's changed and plan any additional processing needed.

Is EMDR Right for Your Relationship?

EMDR might be a good fit if you:

  • Keep having the same fights with your partner

  • Get triggered easily during conversations

  • Struggle with trust issues in relationships

  • Feel emotionally numb or disconnected from your partner

  • Have difficulty with physical or emotional intimacy

  • Notice patterns that repeat across different relationships

  • Have unprocessed trauma from your past

  • Feel lonely in your marriage even though you love your partner

EMDR may not be appropriate if:

  • There are ongoing secrets or active affairs

  • There's active addiction that isn't being addressed

  • There's domestic violence in the relationship

  • One partner isn't committed to the relationship

A qualified therapist can help you determine if EMDR is the right approach for your situation.

Is EMDR Right for Your Relationship?

A quick guide to help you decide

✓ EMDR May Be a Good Fit
✓ You have unresolved trauma affecting your relationships
✓ You get triggered easily during conversations with your partner
✓ You notice repeating patterns across different relationships
✓ You struggle with trust or intimacy for no clear reason
✓ Your relationship has been affected by infidelity or betrayal
✓ You had a difficult childhood or painful past experiences
⚠ May Need Something Else First
⚠ There are ongoing secrets between partners
⚠ Active addiction that isn't being addressed
⚠ One partner isn't sure they want to stay in the relationship
⚠ Current relationship crisis that needs immediate stabilization

These situations may benefit from other interventions first. A therapist can help you determine the best approach.

✗ Safety First
✗ There is domestic violence in the relationship
✗ You don't feel safe with your partner

If you're in an unsafe situation, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Real Results: What Couples Experience After EMDR

Research published in the EMDR International Association's journal shows that EMDR leads to:

  • Reduced emotional reactivity

  • Improved communication skills

  • Greater emotional intimacy

  • Decreased relationship conflict

  • Better stress management

  • Increased relationship satisfaction

Couples often report:

  • "We finally understand each other instead of just reacting"

  • "I don't take things as personally anymore"

  • "We can talk about hard things without it blowing up"

  • "I feel closer to my partner than ever before"

  • "The same things that used to trigger me don't bother me anymore"

These changes happen because trauma processing literally changes how your brain responds to triggers. The memories are still there, but they no longer hijack your nervous system.

Take the Next Step Toward a Healthier Relationship

Your relationship struggles aren't a sign that you're broken or that you picked the wrong person. They're often a sign that old wounds need healing.

EMDR therapy offers a path forward—a way to process the pain from your past so it stops showing up in your present.

Whether you're dealing with communication problems, trust issues, emotional distance, or repeating patterns, healing is possible.

At South Denver Therapy, we specialize in helping couples and individuals build healthier, happier relationships. Our EMDR-trained therapists understand how trauma affects relationships—and how to help you move past it.

If you're ready to stop fighting the same battles and start connecting more deeply with your partner, we're here to help. Book a free 15-minute consultation to see if EMDR might be right for you.

You don't have to keep letting your past control your present. Healing starts with one conversation.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does EMDR take to improve my relationship? −
Most people notice changes within 6-12 sessions. Some experience shifts after just a few sessions. The timeline depends on your trauma history, current symptoms, and commitment to the process. Many clients report feeling "lighter" after their first processing session, though complete resolution of relationship patterns typically takes longer.
Can my partner and I do EMDR together? −
While EMDR is typically done individually, some couples do "conjoint EMDR" where one partner is present during the other's processing. This can increase empathy and understanding. Your therapist can help you decide what's best for your situation based on your relationship dynamics and treatment goals.
Will I have to talk about all my painful memories in detail? −
No. EMDR doesn't require you to verbalize every detail of your trauma. The processing happens internally, and you can share as much or as little as you're comfortable with. Many people find this aspect of EMDR less overwhelming than traditional talk therapy.
What if my partner doesn't want to do therapy? −
You can still benefit from individual EMDR. Processing your own trauma often improves how you show up in your relationship, even if your partner isn't in therapy. You may find that as you change, your relationship dynamics shift naturally—and your partner may become more open to therapy once they see the positive changes in you.
Is EMDR covered by insurance? −
Many insurance plans cover EMDR therapy since it's a recognized, evidence-based treatment. Check with your provider to understand your coverage. At South Denver Therapy, we can provide documentation for insurance reimbursement. Visit our FAQs page for more details about our rates and insurance policies.
How is EMDR different from regular talk therapy? −
Traditional talk therapy focuses on discussing and gaining insight into your problems. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to actually change how traumatic memories are stored in your brain. Many people find that EMDR achieves results faster because it works directly with the nervous system rather than relying solely on cognitive understanding.

Ready to Heal?

Take our free Attachment Style Quiz to understand how your attachment patterns might be affecting your relationship.

Or if you're ready to start therapy, schedule your free consultation with one of our EMDR specialists in Castle Rock, Colorado. We also offer online therapy throughout Colorado.

South Denver Therapy is a couples therapy and mental health practice serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the greater Denver metro area. We specialize in couples counseling, EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and depression counseling.

Kayla Crane
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