What is Relationship Anxiety? How to Stop Worrying and Start Trusting Your Partner
You know that feeling when your partner doesn't text back for two hours and your brain creates 47 different scenarios about what they're doing? Or when they say "we need to talk" and you immediately assume the worst? That's relationship anxiety, and if you're dealing with it, you're definitely not alone.
I'm gonna be straight with you - relationship anxiety sucks. It makes you question everything, read into every little thing your partner says, and lose sleep over problems that might not even exist. But here's the good news: you can learn to manage it, and your relationship can actually get stronger in the process.
Let's talk about what relationship anxiety really is, why it happens, and what you can do about it. No fluff, just real help.
What Exactly is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is when you cant stop worrying about your relationship even when things are going pretty well. It's that constant nagging feeling that something's wrong, your partner might leave, or you're not good enough.
It's not the same as having normal concerns or going through a rough patch. This is different - it's when the worry becomes your default setting.
"I had a client who would screenshot every text conversation with their partner and analyze it later," shares Kayla Crane, LMFT, a therapist at our Castle Rock office. "They were so busy looking for problems that they missed all the good stuff happening right in front of them."
The thing about relationship anxiety is it doesn't care if you've been together three months or ten years. It can show up anytime and make even the best relationships feel shaky.
Quick Check: Do You Have Relationship Anxiety?
Check the statements that sound like you:
If you checked 3 or more: You're likely dealing with relationship anxiety. The good news? There are real ways to work through this, and you don't have to do it alone.
The Real Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Let's get specific about what relationship anxiety actually looks like in real life. These are the patterns that show up over and over:
You Overthink Everything
Your partner says "I'm tired" and you immediately think they're tired of you. They use a period instead of an exclamation point and you wonder if they're mad. You analyze their tone, their word choice, and the time between responses like you're decoding secret messages.
This kind of overthinking is exhausting. Your brain is working overtime to find problems that probably aren't there.
You're Always Waiting for Them to Leave
Even when your partner tells you they love you, shows up for you, and makes plans for the future, you cant shake the feeling that they're going to leave eventually. You might even push them away first because you think it'll hurt less if you see it coming.
You Need Constant Reassurance
"Do you still love me?" "Are we okay?" "You're not mad, right?" If you're asking these questions multiple times a day, that's relationship anxiety talking. You need to hear that everything's fine even though they just told you an hour ago.
Small Things Trigger Big Reactions
They mention an ex in passing and you spiral. They like someone's Instagram photo and you feel sick. They make plans with friends and you take it personally. Normal relationship stuff feels threatening.
You Avoid Talking About Problems
This one's tricky because it looks like the opposite of anxiety, but it's actually a big sign. You bottle up your feelings because you're terrified that bringing up problems will end the relationship. So you stay quiet and the anxiety builds.
Your Body is Telling You Something
Relationship anxiety isn't just in your head. You might get stomach aches before seeing your partner. Your chest might feel tight when you're waiting for them to text back. You might have trouble sleeping because your mind won't stop racing about the relationship.
Why Do You Have Relationship Anxiety? The Real Causes
Relationship anxiety doesn't just appear out of nowhere. There's usually a reason - or several reasons - why your brain went into overdrive protective mode. Let's talk about the most common causes.
Your Childhood Attachment Style Matters
This one goes back further than you think. The way your parents or caregivers treated you as a kid shapes how you do relationships as an adult. If your emotional needs weren't met consistently when you were young, you might have developed an anxious attachment style.
People with anxious attachment often worry that love will disappear without warning because that's what they experienced growing up. They need more reassurance and have a harder time trusting that their partner will stick around.
If you want to understand more about how your attachment style affects your relationships, check out our guide on secure attachment styles. Understanding your attachment style is half the battle.
Past Relationship Trauma Still Affects You
Got cheated on in the past? Had a partner ghost you? Experienced emotional abuse? Those experiences leave marks. Your brain learned that relationships aren't safe, so now it's on high alert trying to protect you from getting hurt again.
"I worked with someone in our Parker office who checked their partner's phone daily because they'd been cheated on years ago," says Kayla Crane, LMFT. "Their current partner had never given them a reason not to trust them, but the past trauma was running the show."
Past trauma doesn't mean you're broken. It just means your brain is trying to keep you safe based on old information.
Low Self-Esteem Feeds the Anxiety
If you don't think you're worthy of love, you'll always be waiting for your partner to figure that out and leave. Low self-esteem makes you think you need to be perfect or else they'll realize they can do better.
You might apologize constantly for things that don't need apologies. You might change yourself to be what you think they want. You might not speak up about your needs because you dont want to be "too much."
This kind of thinking creates a cycle where you're so afraid of losing them that you cant actually enjoy being with them.
Life Stress Makes Everything Worse
Sometimes relationship anxiety isn't really about the relationship at all. When you're dealing with work stress, family drama, health problems, or money worries, your anxiety spills over into your relationship.
Your brain is already maxed out handling everything else, so it doesn't take much for relationship worries to feel huge. A simple miscommunication can feel like a crisis when you're already running on empty.
"I've had couples come to our Highlands Ranch location thinking their relationship was falling apart, but really they were just both so stressed from work that they had nothing left to give each other," Kayla notes. "Once we addressed the external stressors and created space for connection, the relationship anxiety decreased significantly."
Where Does Your Relationship Anxiety Come From?
Childhood Patterns
Inconsistent care or emotional unavailability from parents created anxious attachment patterns
Past Trauma
Previous betrayals, abandonment, or toxic relationships trained your brain to expect the worst
Self-Worth Issues
Believing you're not good enough makes you constantly wait for your partner to leave
Life Stress
Work pressure, family issues, and health concerns drain your emotional resources
Good news: Understanding where your anxiety comes from is the first step to managing it. Once you know the root cause, you can work on healing those specific wounds.
How to Actually Overcome Relationship Anxiety (Real Solutions)
Okay, here's where we get into the practical stuff. These aren't quick fixes - relationship anxiety takes time to work through. But these strategies actually help if you stick with them.
Step 1: Figure Out Your Specific Triggers
Your anxiety probably doesn't show up randomly. There are specific things that set it off. Maybe it's when your partner is busy and cant text back. Maybe it's when they mention someone from work. Maybe it's right before you see them after being apart.
Start paying attention to when your anxiety kicks in. Write it down if that helps. Once you know your triggers, you can start to see that your anxiety is a pattern, not reality.
"One person I worked with in Castle Rock realized their anxiety always spiked on Sunday nights because their partner had a busy work week ahead," Kayla shares. "Just naming that pattern helped them prepare for it and talk to their partner about needing extra reassurance on Sunday evenings."
Step 2: Talk to Your Partner (Without Blame)
This one's scary but so important. Your partner probably has no idea you're spiraling about stuff. They cant read your mind, and they cant help if they dont know what's going on.
Here's how to bring it up: "Hey, I want to talk about something I'm dealing with. Sometimes I get really anxious about our relationship even though I know you care about me. It's not about anything you're doing wrong - it's something I'm working on. Can we talk about ways you can help when I'm feeling anxious?"
See how that's different from "You make me anxious" or "Why don't you text me back faster?" You're taking ownership of your feelings while inviting them to be part of the solution.
Step 3: Stop Letting Anxiety Run Your Life
This sounds obvious, but you've got to take care of yourself. When you're burned out, tired, and running on empty, anxiety gets worse. Your brain needs rest and fuel to function properly.
Get enough sleep. Eat actual food, not just coffee and anxiety. Move your body in some way that feels good. Do things that make you feel like yourself again.
"I had a client who started going to yoga classes twice a week," Kayla says. "They noticed their relationship anxiety was way more manageable on the days they went to yoga. Taking care of themselves helped them show up better in their relationship."
Step 4: Challenge Your Anxious Thoughts
Your anxious brain is gonna tell you stories. "They're definitely cheating." "They're going to leave." "I'm not enough." Most of these stories are not based on facts.
When you notice an anxious thought, ask yourself: "What evidence do I actually have for this? Am I reacting to what's happening or what I'm afraid might happen?"
This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending everything's perfect. It's about checking if your thoughts match reality.
Step 5: Build Trust Slowly
If trust issues are part of your anxiety, you cant force trust to happen overnight. Trust builds through consistent actions over time. Your partner showing up when they say they will. Being honest about small things. Following through on promises.
And you doing the same. Being honest about your feelings. Showing up for them. Following through on your commitments.
Trust is built in the boring, everyday moments, not just the big romantic gestures.
Step 6: Get Professional Help (This Actually Works)
Look, sometimes you need more support than self-help articles can give you. That's not a failure - that's being smart about your mental health.
Therapy can help you work through the deeper stuff causing your anxiety. A good therapist can help you understand your attachment style, process past trauma, and learn better coping skills. And if your relationship is struggling, couples therapy can help both of you communicate better and rebuild trust.
We offer couples therapy and individual therapy at our South Denver locations. You can learn more about our services here and take that first step.
Your Relationship Anxiety Action Plan
Check off each step as you work through it - progress over perfection!
Pro tip: Don't try to do everything at once. Pick 1-2 things to focus on this week. Small consistent steps beat big overwhelming changes every time.
Practical Exercises You Can Start Today
Here are some specific things you can do right now to start managing your relationship anxiety. These aren't complicated - they're just tools that work when you use them.
Gratitude Journaling for Your Relationship
Every day, write down three specific things you appreciate about your partner or your relationship. Not just "they're nice" but actual specific things. "They asked how my meeting went." "They made me laugh when I was stressed." "They picked up my favorite snacks without me asking."
This trains your brain to notice the good stuff instead of only scanning for problems. Over time, it actually changes how you see your relationship.
Want a structured way to do this? Download our free CBT Therapy Journal to get started with evidence-based journaling techniques.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
When anxiety hits hard and you're spiraling, this exercise brings you back to the present moment. Stop and notice:
5 things you can see around you
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
It sounds simple, but it works because it gets you out of your head and into your actual surroundings. Your anxiety is about the future (what might happen) or the past (what happened before). This technique brings you to right now.
The Evidence Gathering Exercise
When an anxious thought shows up, write it down. Then write two columns: "Evidence For" and "Evidence Against."
For example, if your thought is "My partner is going to leave me," your columns might look like:
Evidence For: They seemed quiet last night
Evidence Against: They told me they love me this morning, they made plans with me for next month, they've never said anything about leaving, they've been busy with work and tired lately
Usually, the "Against" column is way longer. This helps you see that your anxiety is creating stories, not reporting facts.
Create a Calm-Down Plan Together
Sit down with your partner when you're both calm and create a plan for what helps when you're anxious. Maybe it's a hug. Maybe it's reassurance. Maybe it's space to calm down first and then talking.
Having this plan in place means when anxiety hits, you both know what to do instead of making it up in the moment when emotions are high.
🚨 When Anxiety Hits Hard: Your Emergency Response Plan
First 60 Seconds
- Stop what you're doing and sit down if you can
- Take 5 deep breaths - in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6
- Say out loud: "This is anxiety, not reality"
- Put your hand on your chest and feel your heartbeat
Next 5 Minutes
Text a friend (not about the anxiety, just to connect), watch a funny video, or do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise
Tell them "I'm feeling anxious right now, can we [hug/talk/take a walk]?" Use your calm-down plan if you made one together
What NOT to Do
Remember: Anxiety peaks and then it passes. You've gotten through 100% of your anxiety attacks so far. You'll get through this one too.
Quick Answers About Relationship Anxiety
Will my anxiety get better if I just wait it out?
Unfortunately, no. Relationship anxiety usually gets worse over time if you don't address it. Your brain gets better at the patterns it practices, so if you're practicing anxious thinking, that gets stronger. The good news is that with the right tools and support, you can absolutely improve how you handle it.
How long does it take to overcome relationship anxiety?
It depends on what's causing it and how much work you put in. Some people notice improvements in a few weeks when they start using coping strategies. For deeper issues related to trauma or attachment, it might take several months of consistent therapy. But you should start feeling some relief pretty quickly once you begin working on it.
Is medication needed for relationship anxiety?
Not always. Many people manage relationship anxiety with therapy, coping strategies, and lifestyle changes. But if your anxiety is really severe or you have a broader anxiety disorder, medication might help. That's a conversation to have with a psychiatrist or your doctor - therapists cant prescribe medication but can help you figure out if that might be a good option to explore.
What's the difference between anxiety and gut instinct?
This is tough but important. Anxiety is usually based on fear of what might happen and creates a lot of "what if" thoughts. It's loud and panicky. Gut instinct is usually calm and clear - it's a quiet knowing that something isn't right based on actual evidence. If you're not sure which one you're experiencing, working with a therapist can help you learn to tell the difference.
Can my partner cause my relationship anxiety?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If your partner is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or gives you real reasons not to trust them, that's creating reasonable anxiety. But if they're consistently loving and reliable and you're still anxious, that's probably coming from your past experiences or attachment style, not from anything they're doing wrong.
Should I tell my partner I have relationship anxiety?
Yes, absolutely. Being open about your anxiety helps your partner understand what you're going through and how they can support you. Most partners want to help - they just need to know what's happening and what you need. Frame it as something you're working on together, not as their fault.
Can you have relationship anxiety in a healthy relationship?
Yes, definitely. Relationship anxiety often has more to do with your past experiences, attachment style, or general anxiety than with your current relationship. You can be with someone who treats you amazingly and still struggle with anxiety. That's why therapy is so helpful - it helps you separate past wounds from present reality.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Look, relationship anxiety is hard. It makes you doubt yourself, doubt your partner, and doubt whether you can ever have a healthy relationship. But here's what I want you to know: you can absolutely work through this.
Thousands of people deal with relationship anxiety and build strong, healthy relationships. It takes work, yeah. It takes being honest with yourself and your partner. It takes using the right tools and maybe getting professional support. But it's totally doable.
You're not broken. You're not too much. Your anxiety doesn't mean you're not ready for a relationship. It just means you've got some healing to do, and that's okay.
If you're in the South Denver area - Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, or anywhere nearby - we're here to help. Kayla Crane and our team specialize in helping people work through relationship anxiety, attachment issues, and all the stuff that makes relationships hard.
We offer individual therapy to help you work on your anxiety and couples therapy to help you and your partner grow together. We get it, and we can help.
Ready to take the first step? Check out our services and book an appointment. Or if you're not sure what you need, reach out and we can talk about what would work best for you.
Your relationship doesn't have to be controlled by anxiety. There's a better way, and we can help you find it.
Ready to Stop Letting Anxiety Control Your Relationship?
You've read this far, which means you're serious about making a change. That's the hardest part. Now let's take the next step together.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the South Denver area. We offer in-person and online therapy sessions.
Additional Resources
Want more help managing anxiety and building a stronger relationship? Check out these resources:
Free CBT Therapy Journal - Start tracking your thoughts and patterns today
Understanding Secure Attachment Styles - Learn how your attachment style affects your relationships
Our Therapy Services - Individual and couples therapy options in Castle Rock and South Denver
