Understanding Your Attachment Style: How You Connect in Relationships

Key Takeaways

• Attachment style explains how you connect, trust, and handle closeness.

• There are four styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

• Your style comes from early caregiving and shows up in adult love, conflict, and communication.

• Attachment styles can change with awareness, practice, and support.

• It's important to recognize your attachment style and emotional patterns as a first step toward growth.

• Learning your style helps you grow into a more secure and loving partner.

Curious which style you are?
👉 Take our FREE Attachment Style Quiz and see your result in under two minutes

Attachment Styles at a Glance: How They Feel & What Helps

A simple guide comparing attachment style behaviors, emotional patterns, and what builds security in relationships. Each link opens a detailed therapist-written guide for deeper understanding.

Attachment Style	Relationship Pattern	Common Behaviors	How It Feels	What Builds Security
Secure Read full guide	Comfortable with closeness and independence; seeks repair after conflict.	• Open and responsive • Healthy boundaries • Initiates repair	Calm, trusting, confident that relationships can handle conflict.	• Mutual reliability • Respect for autonomy • Consistent care
Anxious Read full guide	Craves closeness and reassurance; fears rejection or distance.	• Frequent check-ins • Overthinks tone or silence • Seeks quick reassurance	Uneasy, worried about being too much or not enough.	• Predictability • Warm reassurance • Steady communication
Avoidant Read full guide	Values independence; tends to withdraw when emotions feel overwhelming.	• Avoids vulnerability • Focuses on logic over emotion • Pulls away during conflict	Feels pressured by emotional needs; calmer with space.	• Emotional safety • Non-demanding tone • Patience and trust
Disorganized Read full guide	Push-pull dynamic between wanting closeness and fearing it; often linked to past trauma.	• Seeks love then withdraws • Mixed signals • Difficulty trusting consistency	Torn between needing connection and fearing rejection or harm.	• Consistency • Emotional safety • Compassionate reassurance

Take the Free Attachment Style Quiz

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Introduction: Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters

Have you ever wondered why some people feel calm and close in love while others pull away or worry about being left? The answer often lies in your attachment style. It is the pattern you learned early in life that guides how you connect and respond to closeness today. A person’s early emotional bonds directly impact their future romantic relationships. When you understand your style, you can spot your triggers and make healthy changes.

Making sense of your attachment style helps you better understand your emotional experiences and how you relate to others. Each person may have a unique combination of attachment patterns, rather than fitting neatly into a single category.

Quick Self-Check: Which Attachment Style Do I Relate To?

Check the statements that feel true for you. Most people relate to one primary style with some overlap.

✓ Secure Attachment

• ▸ I feel comfortable with both closeness and independence
• ▸ I can talk about my feelings without shutting down or panicking
• ▸ I trust my partner and believe we can work through problems

! Anxious Attachment

• ▸ I worry about being abandoned or not loved enough
• ▸ I need frequent reassurance that my partner cares
• ▸ I overthink texts and read negative meaning into small things

→ Avoidant Attachment

• ▸ I feel uncomfortable when relationships get too close
• ▸ I prefer to handle my feelings alone and keep them private
• ▸ I need space when conflicts come up

↔ Disorganized Attachment

• ▸ I want closeness but also fear it at the same time
• ▸ My emotions feel intense and confusing in relationships
• ▸ I send mixed signals even when I care deeply

Want a clear answer? Take our free 2-minute quiz → Get Your Attachment Style Result

What Is Attachment Theory

Attachment theory began with John Bowlby and was expanded by Mary Ainsworth. Attachment styles are developed through the child's relationship with their primary caregiver, as the quality of this early bond shapes emotional patterns and future relationships. It explains how early caregiving shapes the way we bond as adults. When care felt safe and steady, closeness feels safe now. Secure attachment results from a childhood with consistently responsive and nurturing caregivers. A secure bond is formed when a child's emotional needs are met by their primary caregiver, helping to establish a healthy foundation for future relationships. When care felt distant or confusing, you may still feel on edge in relationships. The good news is that your style can grow more secure with practice and support.

How Attachment Patterns Develop: From Childhood to Adult Relationships

Early Childhood (0-5 years)

Primary caregiver responses shape your sense of safety. Consistent care builds security. Inconsistent or neglectful care creates anxiety or avoidance.

School Age (6-12 years)

Patterns show up in friendships. You learn how to handle conflict, trust others, and manage emotions based on early experiences.

Teen Years (13-18 years)

Your attachment style becomes clearer in dating and close relationships. You may seek partners who feel familiar, even if that pattern isn't healthy.

Adult Relationships (18+ years)

Your attachment style impacts marriage, parenting, and all close bonds. The good news? You can build earned security through awareness and practice.

✓ Your attachment style can change with intentional work

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Most people lean toward one style, yet traits can overlap. Any two styles can work with awareness and repair. Not sure of yours
👉 Take the FREE Attachment Style Quiz and get results in under two minutes.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment feels steady and warm. Closeness is safe and time alone is safe too. People with this style trust easily and speak up kindly. They believe problems can be repaired with care.

What it looks like: Comfortable with closeness and space. Shares needs and listens well. Repairs after conflict.

Tends to pair well with: Secure partners feel easiest. Also pairs well with anxious or avoidant because calm, steady care invites balance.

May struggle with: Stonewalling or partners who punish with silence.

If this is you, try: Keep modeling clear needs and kind repair. Set check-ins and follow through.

👉 Read more: Secure Attachment Style: What It Looks Like and How to Build It

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment wants closeness and worries about being left. Small changes can feel like big danger. Reassurance helps, but the worry can come back fast. With skills, this style can feel safer and more secure.

What it looks like: Craves contact and seeks lots of reassurance. May overthink and read negative meaning into delays.

Tends to pair well with: Secure partners who offer steady reassurance. Can work with avoidant when both meet in the middle.

May struggle with: Mixed signals, vague plans, long gaps in contact.

If this is you, try: Soothe first, then ask for one clear reassurance. Build self-calming habits so your partner is not your only anchor.

👉 Read more: Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Triggers, and How To Feel Secure

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment values independence and keeps emotions close to the chest. Intimacy can feel uncomfortable, so pulling away or going quiet may seem safer. Self-reliance feels strong, yet it can block connection. Small steps toward openness build trust over time.

What it looks like: Prefers space. Downplays feelings. May withdraw during conflict.

Tends to pair well with: Secure partners who respect space and invite sharing. Can work with anxious when you give simple, consistent signals of care.

May struggle with: Pressure to talk on command or rapid demands for intimacy.

If this is you, try: Share one feeling in a short sentence. Set a time to reconnect after a break. Ask for help in low-stakes moments.

👉 Read more: Avoidant Attachment Style: Understanding Emotional Distance and How to Bridge It

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment wants closeness and fears it at the same time. Emotions can feel intense and confusing. Behavior may swing between anxious and avoidant. Safety, pacing, and structure help this style most.

What it looks like: Mixed signals. Big feelings. Hard to trust even when loved.

Tends to pair well with: Secure partners who are warm, patient, and predictable. With any style, clear routines and gentle pacing support growth.

May struggle with: Fast conflict, raised voices, sudden distance.

If this is you, try: Ground first. Use short, simple check-ins. Set daily touch points and planned repairs to build safety.

👉 Read more: Disorganized Attachment Style: Signs, Healing Steps, and How To Feel Safe

How Attachment Style Shows Up in Adult Life

Attachment styles show up in daily habits. They influence your emotions and how you respond emotionally in daily interactions. They shape how you text, make plans, and ask for comfort. They also affect how you react during stress. For example, anxious partners may overcheck and overthink, while avoidant partners may go quiet to feel safe.

Common Signs by Style

• Secure: asks for needs, listens well, and repairs after conflict

• Anxious: seeks lots of reassurance and worries about being left

• Avoidant: keeps distance and downplays feelings

• Disorganized: wants closeness but feels unsafe and confused

How Each Attachment Style Shows Up in Real Life

✓

Secure

"I'm comfortable being close and independent"

When upset:

Talks openly, listens, repairs after conflict

Core need:

Mutual respect and consistency

!

Anxious

"I need reassurance I'm loved"

When upset:

Seeks contact, overthinks, worries about rejection

Core need:

Predictability and warm reassurance

→

Avoidant

"I need space to feel safe"

When upset:

Withdraws, goes quiet, downplays feelings

Core need:

Emotional safety and patience

↔

Disorganized

"I want love but fear getting hurt"

When upset:

Push-pull behavior, mixed signals, big emotions

Core need:

Consistency and gentle reassurance

Attachment in Conflict: How Each Style Responds and What Helps

During conflict, your nervous system is trying to protect you. Different circumstances can trigger attachment-related responses and influence how you handle conflict. Slow the moment and make space for care.

• If you lean anxious: pause, breathe, and name the feeling. Ask for one clear reassurance you need right now.

• If you lean avoidant: ask for a short break and say when you will return. Share one honest feeling when you come back.

• If you lean disorganized: focus on safety first. Use grounding, soft voice, and small steps.

• If you are secure: model calm tone, reflect what you heard, and invite repair.

Which Attachment Styles Work Best Together?

Any pairing can work with awareness and repair. Here's what helps each combination thrive:

✓+✓ Secure + Secure

Why it works: Both feel safe and can repair easily.

Best practice: Keep modeling clear needs and kind communication.

✓ ! Secure + Anxious

Why it works: Secure partner offers steady reassurance anxious partner needs.

Best practice: Anxious partner practices self-soothing while secure partner gives consistent care.

✓ → Secure + Avoidant

Why it works: Secure partner respects space while inviting connection.

Best practice: Avoidant partner takes small steps toward openness. Secure partner stays patient.

! → Anxious + Avoidant

Challenge: Anxious craves closeness while avoidant needs distance.

Best practice: Meet in the middle. Anxious learns to self-soothe. Avoidant shares feelings in small doses. Both repair often.

!+! Anxious + Anxious

Challenge: Both seek reassurance and may trigger each other's fears.

Best practice: Build grounding tools together. Schedule check-ins so worry doesn't spiral.

→+→ Avoidant + Avoidant

Challenge: Both may struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability.

Best practice: Schedule intentional connection time. Start with small shares and build gradually.

Remember: Any pairing can build security together with patience, repair, and willingness to grow.

Can Attachment Styles Change Over Time?

Yes. Attachment grows with practice. Developing the ability to form secure attachments is possible with self-awareness and intentional effort. The goal is to build earned security. This means you become both connected and self led. You learn to ask for comfort and you also know how to soothe yourself. Creating a ‘secure village’ by surrounding yourself with secure people can help you become more secure.

Small Steps to Build a More Secure Attachment

• Name it: notice your trigger and your first impulse

• Soothe it: try slow breathing and kind self talk

• Share it: state one need in a simple sentence

• Repair it: circle back after conflict and reflect on what worked

Your Path to Earned Security: 4-Week Action Plan

Small daily actions build lasting change. Follow these steps in order:

1

Week 1: Name Your Pattern

Notice what triggers you. When do you pull away, cling, or panic? Write down your pattern.

Try this: Journal for 5 minutes each evening about moments you felt activated today.

2

Week 2: Practice Self-Soothing

Learn to calm your nervous system before reacting. Use slow breathing and kind self-talk.

Try this: When triggered, place hand on chest, breathe slowly, and say "I'm safe right now."

3

Week 3: Share One Clear Need

Practice asking for what you need in simple, direct language. Start small and specific.

Try this: "I need a hug" or "I need 20 minutes alone" or "Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

4

Week 4: Repair After Conflict

Circle back within 24 hours after fights. Reflect on what happened and reconnect.

Try this: "I'm sorry I shut down. I felt overwhelmed. Can we try again?"

Track your progress daily. Security builds through repetition, not perfection.

Quick Exercises You Can Try Today

• Two feelings, one need: say two feelings you have and one need you have right now

• Thirty second soothe: hand on chest, slow breath, kind words to yourself

• Five kind texts: send a short caring text that says what you value in your partner

• Daily check in: ask each other one question, share one appreciation

• Personal exploration: take time for personal exploration by reflecting on your attachment style and emotional connections through journaling or self-assessment.

Myths and Facts About Attachment Styles

Common myths and facts about attachment styles

Myth	Fact
MYTH Attachment style never changes.	FACT With practice and support, many people grow more secure. Learn what an attachment style is and how it shifts over time.
MYTH Anxious and avoidant partners can never work.	FACT Many couples do well once they learn each other’s needs—e.g., timely reassurance for anxious partners and respectful space with clear reconnection for avoidant partners.
MYTH Being avoidant means you don’t care.	FACT Many avoidant partners care deeply and need safe, paced ways to open up. See avoidant attachment for practical steps.

Why Knowing Your Attachment Style Helps

When you know your style, you understand your reactions. You can see why you shut down, cling, or panic during stress. Awareness helps you choose new actions. Recognizing your attachment style can help you overcome difficulties and build stable relationships. Over time, this builds trust, safety, and deeper connection. Research shows a direct correlation between attachment styles and relationship satisfaction.

Take the Free Attachment Style Quiz

Want a quick answer about your style? 👉 Take our FREE Attachment Style Quiz and get your result in under two minutes.

This quiz is intended for personal reflection and self-awareness, not for diagnosis.

Then read the deep dives on each style to learn the next steps.

How Therapy Can Support You

Therapy gives you a safe place to explore patterns and practice new skills. If you are struggling with attachment issues or the ongoing struggle to form secure bonds, therapy can provide support and guidance. At South Denver Therapy, we help individuals and couples build secure habits that last. Psychoeducation can help achieve a secure attachment style. If you want support, we are here to help.

Ready to feel more secure in love and located in Colorado? Request an appointment

FAQs About Attachment Styles

What are the four main attachment styles?

The four main attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These describe how people connect, trust, and respond to closeness in relationships. Children often develop these attachment patterns based on how caregivers respond to their needs. The disorganized style is also called fearful avoidant, while avoidant attachment can include the dismissive type.

What causes different attachment styles?

Attachment styles form through a mix of early caregiving experiences and later relationships. When caregivers are consistent and responsive, children usually develop secure attachment. When care feels unpredictable or stressful, insecure attachment styles—such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—can form.

Can someone have more than one attachment style?

Yes. Many people notice traits from more than one attachment style. You might show one pattern at work and another in romantic or family relationships. Under stress, a less secure style may show up more strongly.

Can attachment style change over time?

Absolutely. With self-awareness, emotional practice, and supportive relationships, people can move toward secure attachment. Small daily habits like honest communication, self-soothing, and consistent repair help build lasting change.

Which attachment style is the healthiest?

The healthiest and most stable is secure attachment. People with secure attachment feel safe in relationships, communicate openly, and can both give and receive comfort. They can set limits, handle conflict calmly, and trust that closeness and independence can coexist.

How can anxious and avoidant partners make their relationship work?

By learning each other's needs. Anxious partners can practice calming their body and asking for clear reassurance instead of repeated texts. Avoidant partners can share feelings in small steps and return after short breaks. Both can repair often, use kind language, and celebrate small improvements together.

How can I find out my attachment style?

Take our Free Attachment Style Quiz to discover your attachment pattern in under two minutes. Reflect on how each description fits your daily life, and test what you learn through small, practical steps.

Related Reading

• Secure Attachment Style: What It Looks Like and How to Build It – Learn what secure attachment looks like in daily life and how to strengthen trust, communication, and emotional safety.

• Anxious Attachment Style: Understanding Closeness, Reassurance, and How to Feel Secure – Discover why anxious attachment craves closeness and how to feel calmer and more confident in relationships.

• Avoidant Attachment Style: Understanding Emotional Distance and How to Bridge It – Explore why independence feels safer for avoidant types and learn gentle ways to open up while keeping your sense of self.

• Disorganized Attachment Style: Signs, Healing Steps, and How to Feel Safe – Understand the push-pull pattern of disorganized attachment and how to create more stability and emotional safety.

• Take the Free Attachment Style Quiz – Find out your attachment style in under two minutes and get personalized insights to help you grow.

• Take the Free Emotional Intelligence Quiz - Take this free quiz to discover your Emotional Intelligence in about 3 minutes