Emotional Neglect in Marriage: 14 Signs and How to Fix It
Does this sound familiar?
If you nodded at any of these, you may be experiencing emotional neglect. Keep reading - you're not imagining it, and you're not alone.
You can't point to a single thing that's wrong. Your spouse doesn't yell. They don't criticize you. They haven't cheated.
But something is missing.
You feel alone even when they're sitting right next to you. Your accomplishments go unnoticed. Your hard days get a distracted "that's tough" while they scroll through their phone. And when you try to explain what's wrong, you struggle to put it into words because technically, nothing bad is happening.
This is emotional neglect. And it's one of the most painful things a marriage can experience precisely because it's so hard to see.
Unlike conflict or betrayal, emotional neglect is about what isn't there. It's the absence of attention, response, and care for your emotional world. And research shows it's just as damaging to relationships as more obvious problems - sometimes more so, because it goes unaddressed for so long.
If you've been feeling invisible, lonely, or disconnected in your marriage but can't figure out why, this article will help you understand what's happening and what you can do about it.
🔍 Quick Check: Emotional Neglect
Do any of these feel familiar?
If you checked 2 or more: You may be experiencing emotional neglect. Keep reading to understand what this means and what you can do.
What Is Emotional Neglect in Marriage?
Emotional neglect in marriage happens when one partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond to the other's emotional needs. It's not about occasional distraction or having a bad day. It's a pattern where emotional connection simply doesn't happen.
Dr. Jonice Webb, psychologist and author of "Running on Empty," defines emotional neglect as "a failure to respond adequately to another's emotional needs." The key word is failure - it's about what doesn't happen rather than what does.
In a healthy marriage, partners:
Notice when the other is happy, sad, stressed, or excited
Ask about each other's inner world
Respond with interest and care to emotional sharing
Make each other feel seen and valued
Turn toward each other for support
In an emotionally neglectful marriage:
Feelings get ignored or dismissed
Conversations stay surface-level
Emotional sharing feels pointless
One or both partners feel invisible
The relationship feels hollow despite looking fine from the outside
Emotional neglect is different from emotional abuse. Abuse involves active harm - criticism, manipulation, control, put-downs. Neglect is passive - it's the absence of emotional engagement. Both are damaging, but they require different approaches to fix.
Emotional Neglect vs. Emotional Abuse
Emotional Neglect
Absence of response
- Partner is emotionally absent
- Feelings get ignored or overlooked
- Lacks emotional awareness
- Often unintentional
- May not realize impact
- Usually willing to change
Emotional Abuse
Active harmful behavior
- Partner actively causes harm
- Feelings get attacked or weaponized
- Uses emotions to control
- Often intentional pattern
- Knows impact, continues anyway
- May resist any change
Both are damaging. Neglect hurts through absence; abuse hurts through action. If you're experiencing abuse, safety comes first.
Why Emotional Neglect Is So Damaging
You might wonder: if nothing bad is actively happening, how harmful can emotional neglect really be?
The answer: extremely harmful.
Dr. John Gottman's research on marriage found that the difference between couples who thrive and those who divorce often comes down to how they respond to each other's "bids for connection." A bid is any attempt to connect - a comment, a question, a touch, a look. Partners who respond to bids positively stay married. Those who ignore or dismiss bids drift apart.
In one study, couples who stayed married responded to each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced? Only 33%.
Emotional neglect means consistently missing or ignoring these bids. Over time, this creates:
Profound loneliness. Being alone is one thing. Feeling alone while married is devastating. Your partner is physically present but emotionally absent, which can feel worse than being single.
Erosion of self-worth. When your feelings consistently go unacknowledged, you start to believe they don't matter. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and loss of identity.
Death of intimacy. Emotional connection is the foundation of physical intimacy. Without it, sex becomes mechanical or disappears entirely. Many couples experiencing roommate syndrome got there through emotional neglect. When emotional neglect continues unchecked, many couples find themselves in what becomes a loveless marriage - still together, but without the warmth and connection that makes marriage meaningful.
Vulnerability to affairs. When emotional needs go unmet at home, the temptation to seek connection elsewhere grows. Many emotional affairs start because someone finally feels seen by another person.
Physical health problems. Research links loneliness in marriage to increased risk of heart disease, weakened immune function, and shorter lifespan. Your body knows when you're emotionally starving.
The Ripple Effect of Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect doesn't stay contained. Its effects spread through your mental health, physical health, and sense of self.
Where Does Emotional Neglect Come From?
Understanding the source of emotional neglect helps you address it without blame. In most cases, the neglecting partner isn't trying to hurt you - they literally don't know how to do it differently.
Childhood Emotional Neglect
The most common source of emotional neglect in marriage is childhood emotional neglect. If your spouse grew up in a family that didn't notice, value, or respond to emotions, they never learned those skills.
Children who experience emotional neglect learn:
Feelings are unimportant or inconvenient
Expressing needs is burdensome to others
Self-sufficiency means not needing emotional support
Relationships work through practical exchange, not emotional connection
These lessons become invisible rules that carry into adult relationships. Your spouse may genuinely not realize they're neglecting you because this is all they've ever known.
If childhood experiences are affecting your relationship, inner child work can help partners understand and heal these patterns.
Attachment Style
People with avoidant attachment styles often struggle with emotional intimacy. They learned early that depending on others leads to disappointment, so they keep emotional distance as protection.
This isn't a character flaw - it's an adaptation to early experiences. But it creates real problems in marriage when one partner needs closeness and the other instinctively pulls away.
Life Stress and Overwhelm
Sometimes emotional neglect develops gradually as life gets overwhelming. Work demands, parenting, financial stress, health issues - these can drain the emotional resources needed to stay connected.
This type of neglect is often temporary and easier to address once partners recognize what's happening.
Mental Health Issues
Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions can make it genuinely difficult to be emotionally present. A depressed partner may be so consumed by their own internal struggle that they have nothing left to give.
Relationship Resentment
Unresolved conflict can lead to emotional withdrawal as a form of self-protection. If one partner feels hurt or angry, they may pull back emotionally without consciously deciding to.
Common Sources of Emotional Neglect
Childhood Emotional Neglect
They never learned emotional skills because feelings weren't valued in their family growing up.
Avoidant Attachment
They learned early that emotional closeness leads to pain, so they keep protective distance.
Life Overwhelm
Work, kids, stress have drained their emotional resources. Nothing left to give.
Mental Health Struggles
Depression, anxiety, or other conditions make it hard to be emotionally present.
Unresolved Resentment
Old hurts have led to emotional withdrawal as self-protection.
Lack of Awareness
They genuinely don't realize what you're missing or what emotional attunement looks like.
Understanding the source helps you address the problem without blame.
14 Signs of Emotional Neglect in Marriage
Emotional neglect is subtle by nature. These signs help you identify whether it's present in your relationship.
Sign 1: Your Spouse Isn't Your Go-To Person
When something exciting happens - a promotion, good news, an achievement - who do you want to tell first? In a connected marriage, the answer is your spouse. If you find yourself reaching for your phone to text a friend instead, or not sharing at all because it doesn't seem worth it, emotional neglect may be at play.
The same applies to hard times. When you're struggling, do you turn to your partner for comfort, or have you learned that it won't help?
Sign 2: You Feel Alone Even When They're Right There
This is perhaps the most painful sign. You can be sitting on the same couch, lying in the same bed, eating dinner together - and feel completely alone. Their physical presence does nothing to ease your loneliness because the emotional presence is missing.
If you feel lonelier in your marriage than you did when you were single, that's a significant red flag.
Sign 3: Conversations Never Go Beyond Surface Level
Your conversations revolve around logistics: schedules, kids' activities, bills, household tasks. When you try to go deeper - sharing a fear, a dream, a frustration - it goes nowhere. Your spouse changes the subject, gives a one-word response, or seems uncomfortable.
Over time, you stop trying to have meaningful conversations because the disappointment isn't worth it.
Surface-Level vs. Emotionally Connected Conversations
Surface Level
"How was your day?"
"Fine."
Connected
"How was your day?"
"Honestly, kind of rough. Can I tell you what happened?"
Surface Level
"I got the promotion!"
"That's nice. What's for dinner?"
Connected
"I got the promotion!"
"Oh wow! Tell me everything! How do you feel?"
Surface Level
"I'm really stressed about my mom."
"She'll be fine. Don't worry."
Connected
"I'm really stressed about my mom."
"I can see that. What part is weighing on you most?"
Sign 4: Your Feelings Get Dismissed or Minimized
When you express emotion, your spouse responds with:
"You're overreacting"
"It's not that big a deal"
"Why are you so sensitive?"
"Let's not make this into a thing"
Or simply... nothing
This teaches you that your feelings are a problem rather than something worth understanding. You may start suppressing emotions to avoid the disappointment of having them dismissed.
I hear this all the time: 'But he didn't mean to hurt me' or 'She's not doing it on purpose.' And that's usually true. But here's what I want you to understand—unintentional neglect still causes real pain. Your spouse may not be trying to hurt you, but you're still hurt. Both things can be true.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Sign 5: They Don't Notice When Something's Wrong
You come home upset, and they don't ask what's wrong. You have a terrible day, and they don't pick up on it. You're anxious about something important, and they seem oblivious.
In connected relationships, partners are attuned to each other's emotional states. They notice shifts in mood, energy, and demeanor. When your spouse consistently fails to notice, it signals that your emotional world isn't on their radar.
Sign 6: Special Occasions Feel Empty
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays - these should be times to feel celebrated and loved. But in emotionally neglectful marriages, they often feel hollow. There might be gifts and dinners, but something deeper is missing: genuine delight in you, personal touches that show they really know you, celebration of who you are as a person.
You feel guilty wanting more because they technically did something. But marking a date on the calendar is different from emotionally showing up.
Sign 7: Physical Affection Has Disappeared (Or Feels Mechanical)
Touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. In emotionally connected couples, casual touch happens naturally - a hand on the back, sitting close together, spontaneous hugs.
When emotional neglect is present, physical affection either disappears or becomes perfunctory. Sex (if it happens) may feel disconnected from emotional intimacy. Learn more about emotional intimacy and why it matters.
Types of Neglect in Marriage
Emotional Neglect
Failure to notice, respond to, or validate your feelings and emotional needs. Your inner world goes unseen.
Physical Neglect
Absence of physical presence, affection, or intimacy. Touch, closeness, and physical connection have disappeared.
Psychological Neglect
Disregard for your mental wellbeing. No encouragement, no acknowledgment of struggles, no support during hard times.
These types often overlap. Many emotionally neglected spouses experience all three.
Sign 8: You Walk on Eggshells About Sharing Needs
You want to tell your spouse what you need emotionally, but you're afraid of their response. Maybe they'll get defensive. Maybe they'll make you feel needy or demanding. Maybe they'll just... not respond at all, which somehow feels worst.
So you stay quiet. You manage your needs alone. And the emotional distance grows.
Sign 9: They Show More Warmth to Others
Your spouse is charming, engaged, and attentive with friends, coworkers, or even strangers. But at home, with you, that warmth disappears. They have capacity for emotional connection - just not with you.
This can be particularly painful because you know they're capable of more.
Sign 10: You Feel Like Roommates, Not Partners
You share a home, split responsibilities, coordinate schedules. But the sense of being partners building a life together has evaporated. You're managing a household, not nurturing a marriage.
If this resonates, you may be experiencing what we call roommate syndrome - and emotional neglect is often the root cause.
Sign 11: You've Stopped Fighting
Counterintuitively, fighting can be a sign of engagement. When couples stop fighting altogether, it's often because one or both have given up. They don't argue because they don't believe anything will change.
Silence isn't peace - it's disconnection. If you used to have conflict but now have... nothing... emotional neglect may have set in.
Sign 12: Your Spouse Doesn't Know What's Going On In Your Life
They don't know what you're worried about. They couldn't name your current stressors, your recent wins, or what you're looking forward to. They might not even know basic facts about your day-to-day life because they haven't asked and you stopped volunteering.
Emotional distance grows when partners stop being curious about each other.
Sign 13: You Feel Like You Have to Handle Everything Alone
Emotional support during hard times is a core function of marriage. But if you've learned that your spouse won't be there for you emotionally, you stop expecting it. You handle stress, grief, anxiety, and struggles on your own.
This self-reliance might look like strength, but it's often a trauma response to repeated emotional unavailability.
Sign 14: You've Started Questioning Your Own Feelings
When emotions are consistently ignored or dismissed, you start to doubt yourself. "Maybe I am too sensitive." "Maybe I do expect too much." "Maybe this is just how marriage is."
This self-doubt is a painful consequence of emotional neglect. Your feelings are valid. Your need for emotional connection is normal and healthy.
How Many Signs Do You Recognize?
Your pain is real at any level. Even a few signs can deeply affect your wellbeing and deserve attention.
Is Emotional Neglect the Same as Not Loving Someone?
This is a question many people ask. If my spouse neglects me emotionally, do they even love me?
The answer is complicated: emotional neglect can exist even when love is present.
Many emotionally neglectful partners genuinely love their spouses. They may:
Express love through actions (acts of service) rather than emotional attunement
Not realize what they're failing to provide
Want to connect but not know how
Be dealing with their own emotional blocks
This doesn't excuse the neglect or minimize your pain. But it does mean that with awareness and effort, many emotionally neglectful marriages can improve. The neglect isn't necessarily a reflection of their feelings for you - it's often a reflection of their relationship with emotions in general.
If you're seeing multiple signs of marriage problems, emotional neglect may be one piece of a larger picture that needs attention.
The question isn't 'Does my spouse love me?' The question is 'Does my spouse know how to show love in a way I can feel?' Most emotionally neglectful partners love deeply—they just never learned the language of emotional connection. That's actually good news. Languages can be learned at any age.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Difference Between a Rough Patch and True Emotional Neglect
Everyone gets distracted sometimes. Everyone has periods where they're less emotionally available. How do you know if you're dealing with a temporary rough patch or true emotional neglect?
It's a rough patch if:
The emotional distance is connected to a specific stressor (new baby, job loss, health crisis)
Your spouse acknowledges the distance when you bring it up
They're willing to work on reconnecting
You can remember recent times when they were emotionally present
The disconnection is temporary and situation-specific
It's emotional neglect if:
The pattern has been consistent over months or years
Your spouse denies there's a problem or dismisses your concerns
Bringing it up leads nowhere or makes things worse
You struggle to remember the last time you felt emotionally connected
The disconnection seems to be their baseline, not an exception
Rough Patch or Emotional Neglect?
Rough Patch
Temporary & situational
- Connected to specific stressor
- Spouse acknowledges the distance
- Willing to work on reconnecting
- Can recall recent connection
- This is an exception, not the norm
Emotional Neglect
Pattern over time
- Consistent for months or years
- Spouse denies or dismisses problem
- Conversations about it go nowhere
- Struggle to remember connection
- This IS the norm, not exception
Not sure? The key question: Is this temporary and unusual, or has this been your normal for a long time?
How Emotional Neglect Affects You
Living with emotional neglect takes a toll. You might be experiencing:
Anxiety and hypervigilance. Constantly scanning for signs that your spouse cares, looking for crumbs of connection, feeling on edge about the relationship.
Depression and hopelessness. Chronic loneliness in marriage can lead to depression. You may feel like nothing will ever change and this is just your life now.
Loss of identity. When your inner world is consistently ignored, you can lose touch with your own feelings, preferences, and sense of self.
Physical symptoms. Headaches, stomach problems, insomnia, and other stress-related symptoms often accompany emotional neglect.
Decreased self-esteem. You may start believing something is wrong with you - that you're too needy, too emotional, too demanding.
Difficulty trusting your perceptions. Because emotional neglect is invisible, you may question whether it's really happening or whether you're imagining things.
If you're experiencing these effects, please know: your pain is real. What you're going through matters. And help is available.
How to Address Emotional Neglect in Your Marriage
Emotional neglect can be healed, but it requires awareness, willingness, and often professional guidance. Here are steps to begin:
Step 1: Name What You're Experiencing
Before you can fix the problem, you need to acknowledge it exists. This article is a starting point. You might also find it helpful to journal about your experiences or talk to a therapist individually to get clarity.
Step 2: Have The Conversation (Carefully)
Telling your spouse they emotionally neglect you will likely trigger defensiveness. Approach the conversation with care:
Don't say: "You emotionally neglect me." (Accusation)
Do say: "I've been feeling really disconnected from us, and I want to talk about how we can feel closer." (Invitation)
Use "I" statements. Focus on your experience rather than their failures. Express what you need rather than what they've done wrong.
Step 3: Be Specific About What You Need
Vague requests like "I need more emotional connection" are hard to act on. Give concrete examples:
"When I share something hard, I'd love for you to ask follow-up questions rather than immediately offering solutions."
"I want us to spend 15 minutes each night talking about our days - no phones."
"When something good happens to me, I want to see that you're excited too."
Step 4: Look at Your Own Patterns
This isn't about blame, but honest reflection. Have you stopped sharing because you expect disappointment? Have you built walls that make it hard for your spouse to reach you? Are there ways you've contributed to the emotional distance?
Both partners usually play some role in relationship patterns, even when one is clearly more neglectful than the other.
Step 5: Seek Professional Help
Emotional neglect is difficult to fix without guidance. A couples therapist can:
Help your spouse understand what emotional attunement looks like
Provide a safe space for vulnerable conversations
Teach specific skills for emotional connection
Address underlying issues like childhood emotional neglect or attachment styles
If your spouse won't go to therapy, you can still benefit from individual counseling to process your experience and develop coping strategies.
Step 6: Set Boundaries If Necessary
If your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge the problem or work on it, you may need to make difficult decisions about setting boundaries or the future of the relationship.
📋 Your Action Plan
Name What You're Experiencing
Journal, research, or talk to a therapist to get clarity on what's happening.
Have The Conversation Carefully
Use "I" statements. Focus on reconnection, not accusation.
Be Specific About Your Needs
Give concrete examples of what emotional connection would look like.
Examine Your Own Patterns
Have you built walls? Have you stopped trying? Both partners play a role.
Seek Professional Help
A couples therapist can teach skills neither of you learned growing up.
Set Boundaries If Needed
If they won't engage, decide what you're willing to accept long-term.
Can a Marriage Recover From Emotional Neglect?
Yes - with important caveats.
Recovery is possible when:
Both partners recognize the problem exists
The neglecting partner is willing to learn new skills
Both are committed to doing the work
There isn't active contempt or abuse alongside the neglect
Professional help is utilized
Recovery is unlikely when:
The neglecting partner denies there's any problem
They refuse to try therapy or work on the relationship
The pattern is accompanied by other forms of abuse
Years of neglect have led to complete emotional death of the marriage
The encouraging news is that emotional attunement skills can be learned at any age. Someone who grew up without emotional awareness can develop it. But they have to be willing to try.
If you're wondering whether your situation is fixable or if it's time to consider whether your marriage is over, talking with a professional can help you assess honestly.
Can Your Marriage Recover?
Consider these key questions honestly
Does your spouse acknowledge there's a problem?
Are they willing to try therapy or learn new skills?
Was there ever genuine emotional connection between you?
Is there also contempt or abuse present?
More "good signs" = stronger chance of recovery. But even mixed answers don't mean it's hopeless - they mean you need professional guidance.
Rebuilding Emotional Connection: Where to Start
If you and your spouse are both committed to healing, here are practical starting points:
Practice Gottman's Bids for Connection
Start noticing when your partner makes a bid - any attempt to connect. It might be a comment about their day, a request to look at something, or simply sitting down nearby. When you notice a bid, turn toward it. Respond with interest and engagement.
Schedule Connection Time
Daily: 15 minutes of device-free conversation Weekly: A date focused on enjoying each other (not logistics) Monthly: A longer activity you both enjoy
Learn Each Other's Emotional World
Ask deeper questions. What are they worried about? What are they looking forward to? What do they dream about? Gottman calls this building "love maps" - knowing your partner's inner world.
Express Appreciation Daily
Emotional neglect creates a deficit. You can start filling it by expressing genuine appreciation. Not generic praise, but specific observations: "I noticed you handled that situation with the kids really patiently. That was impressive."
Consider Couples Therapy
A trained therapist can accelerate healing dramatically. They provide structure, teach skills, and create safety for vulnerable conversations.
Check out our communication exercises for couples for more practical tools.
🌱 7-Day Emotional Connection Challenge
Small daily actions to start rebuilding
Ask one meaningful question: "What are you thinking about lately?"
Share something you're feeling (not just something that happened)
Give a genuine compliment about who they are, not what they did
Put phones away and have 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation
Initiate physical affection (a long hug, holding hands, sitting close)
Ask: "Is there anything I can do to support you this week?"
Share a memory of a happy time together and why it mattered to you
Tip: It might feel awkward at first. That's normal. Keep going anyway - connection is rebuilt through consistent small efforts.
A Final Word
Emotional neglect is painful precisely because it's so hard to see. You can't point to a wound. You can't show anyone the damage. And yet the loneliness, invisibility, and slow erosion of your sense of self are very real.
If this article resonated with you, please know: you are not crazy. You are not too needy. Your desire for emotional connection in your marriage is healthy and normal.
Whether your path leads toward rebuilding connection with your spouse or making difficult decisions about your future, you deserve to feel seen, valued, and emotionally held in your most important relationship.
If you're in Castle Rock or the South Denver area and looking for help with emotional disconnection in your marriage, reach out for couples counseling. Sometimes having a professional guide makes all the difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is emotional neglect in marriage?
Emotional neglect in marriage occurs when one partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond to the other's emotional needs. It's not about what happens, but what doesn't happen - the absence of emotional awareness, validation, and connection that leaves one partner feeling invisible and alone.
What are the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship?
Common signs include: feeling alone even when together, your spouse not being your go-to person for news or support, surface-level conversations only, feelings getting dismissed or minimized, lack of physical affection, feeling like roommates instead of partners, and your spouse not noticing when something's wrong with you.
Is emotional neglect the same as emotional abuse?
No. Emotional abuse involves active harmful behaviors like criticism, manipulation, or control. Emotional neglect is passive - it's the absence of emotional engagement rather than the presence of harmful actions. Both are damaging, but they have different causes and solutions. Neglect is often unintentional; abuse typically involves more deliberate harmful patterns.
Can a marriage survive emotional neglect?
Yes, many marriages recover from emotional neglect when both partners recognize the problem, are willing to learn new skills, and commit to doing the work - often with professional help. The key factors are mutual acknowledgment, willingness to change, and usually couples therapy to learn emotional attunement skills that may have never been developed.
Why does my spouse emotionally neglect me?
The most common cause is childhood emotional neglect - if your spouse grew up in a family that didn't value or respond to emotions, they may not have learned these skills. Other causes include avoidant attachment style, life overwhelm and stress, mental health issues like depression, or unresolved relationship resentment. Most emotionally neglectful partners aren't trying to hurt you - they genuinely don't know what they're failing to provide.
How do I talk to my spouse about emotional neglect?
Avoid accusatory language like "you emotionally neglect me." Instead, use "I" statements focused on reconnection: "I've been feeling disconnected from us and want to talk about how we can feel closer." Be specific about what you need, give concrete examples, and express that you want to work on this together rather than placing blame.
What should I do if my spouse won't acknowledge the emotional neglect?
If your spouse denies there's a problem or refuses to work on it, you have limited options: continue trying to communicate your needs clearly, seek individual therapy to process your experience and develop coping strategies, set boundaries about what you're willing to accept, and ultimately decide if you can live with this level of connection long-term. You cannot force someone to become emotionally available.
