Complete Guide to Marriage Problems: Warning Signs Therapists Look For
Last night, Sarah lay in bed next to her husband of eight years, feeling lonelier than she ever did when she was single. They'd had another "fine" day—no fighting, no drama—but somehow that felt worse than the arguments they used to have. At least those fights meant they still cared enough to engage.
If that feeling sounds familiar, you're not alone. Marriage problems don't usually announce themselves with dramatic affairs or explosive fights. They show up quietly in the space between you and your partner, in the conversations you stop having, and in the small moments of connection you start missing.
After working with hundreds of couples at our Castle Rock practice, I've learned that recognizing warning signs early makes all the difference between growing apart and growing together.
Key Takeaways
Gottman research predicts divorce with 94% accuracy based on communication patterns
69% of conflicts are perpetual - learning to manage them matters more than solving them
The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) are the strongest divorce predictors
Most couples wait 6 years before seeking help - don't make this mistake
73% of marriages survive affairs with proper couples therapy
Why Spotting Marriage Problems Early Matters
Dr. John Gottman's groundbreaking research found he can predict divorce with 94% accuracy just by observing how couples interact for a few minutes. But here's the hopeful part: the average couple waits six years before seeking help.
Six years of small problems becoming bigger ones. Six years of resentment building instead of connection deepening.
You don't have to wait. When couples recognize these warning signs early and get support, they often rebuild stronger marriages than they had before.
The 22 Warning Signs Therapists Recognize in Struggling Marriages
Let me walk you through the specific signs I look for when couples come to our South Denver practice. These fall into four categories, and the more you recognize, the more urgent it is to get support.
Communication Breakdown Signs
1. The Same Fights on Repeat
You've had this argument before. Word for word, almost. You know what your partner's going to say before they say it, and nothing ever gets resolved. You just take a break until the issue comes up again next week or next month.
Gottman's research shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual—they'll never be completely "solved." But healthy couples learn to manage these ongoing differences with respect and understanding. Unhealthy patterns mean you're not managing them anymore. Learning to manage these ongoing conflicts requires specific skills and approaches. Our guide on common marriage problems and solutions breaks down exactly how to handle recurring issues.
2. Harsh Startup to Conversations
Does your partner immediately get defensive when you bring up concerns? Do conversations about problems start with criticism or sarcasm?
Research shows you can predict how a conversation will end with 96% accuracy based on the first three minutes. If discussions begin negatively, they almost always end badly.
3. The Four Horsemen Have Moved In
Dr. Gottman identified four communication patterns so destructive he called them "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse":
Criticism: Attacking your partner's character instead of addressing behavior ("You're so selfish" vs. "I felt hurt when...")
Contempt: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery—treating your partner with disgust
Defensiveness: Making excuses, denying responsibility, playing the victim
Stonewalling: Shutting down, giving the silent treatment, emotionally withdrawing
When these patterns become your default, divorce becomes increasingly likely.
🚨 The Four Horsemen Self-Check
Which of these show up in your relationship? (Be honest—awareness is the first step to change.)
Attacking character/personality ("You always..." "You never...")
Eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, treating partner with disgust
Making excuses, denying responsibility, playing victim
Shutting down, silent treatment, emotional withdrawal
4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations Altogether
Maybe you don't fight. Maybe you've learned it's easier to say nothing at all. But conflict avoidance isn't peace—it's just postponed pain that builds into resentment.
Some couples mistake silence for harmony, but healthy relationships need the ability to work through disagreements respectfully. If you struggle with speaking up, setting healthy boundaries can help you communicate your needs without guilt or fear.
Emotional Connection Signs
5. You Feel Lonely in Your Marriage
You can feel alone in a crowded room, and you can feel lonely lying next to your spouse every night. This might be the most painful warning sign—being married but feeling like nobody really sees you.
6. Decreased Emotional Intimacy
You used to talk about everything. Now conversations stay surface-level—logistics about kids, schedules, bills. You can't remember the last time you talked about your dreams, fears, or feelings.
7. Loss of Physical Affection
It's not just about sex (though that's often affected too). It's the goodbye kisses that stopped happening, the hand-holding that faded, the hugs that became brief instead of lingering.
Research shows the decrease from whatever was normal for your relationship matters more than the absolute amount.
8. You're More Like Roommates Than Partners
You coexist efficiently. You divide household tasks, manage finances, coordinate schedules. But there's no romance, no passion, no emotional connection. You're running a household together, not building a life together.
Rate Your Emotional Connection
Where does your marriage fall on the emotional intimacy spectrum?
If you're in the red or yellow zones: Emotional disconnection doesn't fix itself. But with the right support, couples can rebuild intimacy even after years of distance. Couples counseling gives you tools to reconnect.
9. One Partner Has Checked Out
You can see it in their eyes—they're physically present but emotionally gone. They've stopped trying to make things better because they've lost hope that change is possible. This pattern often develops from years of unmet needs and codependent dynamics where one partner consistently prioritizes the other's needs over their own.
10. Negative Sentiment Override
Even neutral or positive things your partner does get interpreted negatively. They bring you coffee and you think "What does he want?" instead of "That was thoughtful." You've lost the ability to see the good in each other.
Healthy marriages maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict and a 20:1 ratio during everyday moments. When negativity takes over your lens, that ratio flips dangerously.
Behavioral Change Signs
11. Increased Secrecy
Phones get locked. Browser histories get cleared. They're vague about where they've been or who they talked to. Even without infidelity, emotional affairs or inappropriate friendships create distance. If you're noticing suspicious behaviors, our article on signs of cheating can help you understand what to look for and how to address your concerns.
12. Avoiding Time Together
They work late more often. They schedule activities separately. They find reasons to be in different rooms. Time together feels uncomfortable, so they stop creating opportunities for it.
13. Turning Away From "Bids for Connection"
Your partner mentions something—"Did you see that sunset?"—and you barely look up from your phone. Gottman's research on "bids for connection" found that couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced only responded 33% of the time.
These tiny moments of choosing connection over distraction build—or destroy—marriages.
14. Different Priorities and Life Goals
You want kids; they don't. You want to move; they want to stay. You want more time together; they want more independence. When core values and life directions stop aligning, and neither person is willing to compromise, the gap becomes unbridgeable.
15. Substance Abuse or Addictive Behaviors
When stress from the marriage becomes unbearable, some people turn to alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, or work to numb the pain. The addiction then creates more problems, spiraling into a cycle that's hard to escape.
🔍 How Serious Are Your Marriage Problems?
16. Financial Conflicts or Secrecy
Hidden credit cards. Undisclosed debt. Different spending values that create constant tension. Money fights often aren't really about money—they're about trust, control, security, and values.
17. Contempt and Disrespect
This is the single strongest predictor of divorce. When you mock your partner, treat them with disgust, or use sarcasm to wound rather than humor, you're telling them they're beneath you. No one stays in a relationship where they feel looked down upon.
Critical Decision Signs
18. Withdrawal and Stonewalling
Research shows 85% of stonewallers are men, often because men experience more physiological flooding (stress response) during conflict. But regardless of gender, when someone completely shuts down and refuses to engage, the relationship can't heal.
19. Considering or Engaging in Infidelity
Even if nothing physical has happened, if you're fantasizing about being with someone else or having an emotional affair, it signals something is broken in your primary relationship.
Here's what matters: 73% of marriages survive affairs when couples get proper couples therapy. Infidelity doesn't have to be the end if both partners are willing to do the hard work of rebuilding.
20. Rewriting Your History Negatively
When couples talk about their early days together, therapists listen carefully. Happy couples remember the positive—the excitement, the attraction, the hope. Struggling couples rewrite their past negatively: "I should have known from the beginning" or "We never really had much in common."
This rewriting of your shared story is a warning sign that negativity has taken over.
21. One Partner Mentions Divorce
The D-word gets thrown out in anger. Or worse, it gets mentioned calmly, as a serious consideration. Once divorce enters the conversation regularly, time is running out. If you're seriously considering separation, it's worth reading about what life looks like after a relationship ends before making your final decision.
22. You've Lost Hope
This is the most dangerous sign. When one or both partners believe things can't get better, they stop trying. They've mentally and emotionally left the marriage even if they're still physically present.
What to Do If You Recognize These Signs
Don't Wait
The average couple waits six years before seeking help. Problems don't improve with time—they calcify into patterns that become harder to break.
Talk to Your Partner
Choose a calm moment. Use "I" statements: "I feel disconnected lately" instead of "You never talk to me." Share what you've noticed without blame.
Get Professional Support
Marriage therapy isn't admitting failure—it's choosing your relationship. A skilled therapist gives you tools you never learned: how to fight fair, rebuild trust, and reconnect emotionally.
Make Small Changes Today
While you're setting up therapy, start turning toward your partner's bids for connection. Put your phone down when they talk. Ask about their day and really listen. Small moments rebuild big connections.
How Marriage Counseling Helps in Castle Rock
At South Denver Therapy, we work with couples throughout Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and the surrounding South Denver metro who recognize these warning signs and want to rebuild.
Here's what makes couples counseling effective:
We help you identify your patterns. You can't change what you don't see. We'll help you understand the cycles you're stuck in and what's driving them.
We teach you actual skills. Marriage doesn't come with a manual. We teach conflict resolution, emotional attunement, repair attempts, and how to create rituals of connection.
We create a safe space for hard conversations. Those topics you've been avoiding? We help you finally address them productively.
We help you decide if your marriage can be saved. Sometimes the answer is yes with work. Sometimes the healthiest choice is separation. We help you make that decision with clarity, not desperation. Sometimes individual therapy is also helpful to process your feelings before or during couples work.
The couples who do best in therapy are those who recognize problems early and get help before contempt and hopelessness take over. If you're reading this article, you're already taking the first step.
What Should You Do Next?
Your personalized action plan based on what you're experiencing
You Can Start Improving Your Marriage Today
Small changes create big shifts. Try these research-backed actions right now.
Turn Toward, Not Away
Next time your partner makes a comment, put your phone down and respond with genuine interest.
Express One Appreciation
Tell your partner one specific thing you appreciate about them today. Be specific, not generic.
Schedule 15 Minutes
Set a weekly 15-minute check-in to talk about your relationship. No kids, no TV, just you two.
🎁 Start With These Free Resources
What Happens in Couples Therapy?
Ready to Rebuild Your Marriage?
We help couples throughout Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and South Denver
Most couples feel relief after just one session. You don't have to keep struggling alone.
There's Hope for Your Marriage
I need you to hear this: recognizing these warning signs doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It means you're aware, and awareness creates the possibility for change.
The couples I worry about most aren't the ones having big fights or going through rough patches. They're the ones who've given up—who've decided nothing can change, so why bother trying?
If you're still reading, you haven't given up. That matters more than you know.
Research from The Gottman Institute shows that marriages can turn around even after years of disconnection. Couples rebuild trust after affairs. Partners learn to communicate after decades of destructive patterns. Love gets rekindled when people thought it was gone forever.
But here's the truth: it takes work. It takes willingness. It takes both partners showing up—not perfectly, but consistently.
The sign that your marriage can be saved isn't whether you have problems. All marriages have problems. The sign is whether you're both willing to work on them.
Next Steps: Getting Help for Your Marriage
If you counted more than a handful of these warning signs in your relationship, please don't wait. Here are your next steps:
Download our free resources: We have a Conflict Resolution Worksheet and Couples Journal that can help you start rebuilding connection today.
Schedule a consultation: We offer couples counseling in Denver and serve the entire South Denver metro area. Our therapists specialize in helping couples navigate exactly these warning signs.
Start with small changes: While you're waiting for your first session, practice turning toward your partner instead of away. One positive interaction at a time.
Your marriage deserves the same energy you put into everything else you care about—your career, your kids, your health. Don't let it be the thing you keep putting off until "things get better."
Things get better when you take action. Start today.
Frequently Asked Questions About Marriage Problems
Common questions couples ask about warning signs and getting help
How do I know if my marriage problems are serious or just normal?
All marriages have problems, but serious warning signs include: the same fights on repeat with no resolution, feeling lonely even when you're together, avoiding time with your partner, increased secrecy, contempt or disrespect during arguments, or either partner mentioning divorce. If you're recognizing 5 or more warning signs, it's time to take action. The difference between normal problems and serious ones is whether you're both willing to work on them together.
Can a marriage survive if we fight all the time?
Yes, marriages can survive constant fighting - what matters most is HOW you fight. Dr. Gottman's research shows that avoiding the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) is more important than how often you disagree. Healthy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. If your fights include contempt, name-calling, or shutting down completely, couples therapy can teach you healthier ways to resolve disagreements.
What if only one of us wants to go to marriage counseling?
It's common for one partner to want therapy while the other resists. Start by having an honest conversation about why counseling matters to you - focus on what you want to build together, not what's wrong. Sometimes the resistant partner fears being blamed or doesn't believe therapy works. Individual therapy can also help you process your feelings and develop better communication skills, which often inspires your partner to join later. Many marriages improve even when only one partner initially commits to the process.
How long does it take to fix a struggling marriage in therapy?
Most couples see noticeable improvement in 8-12 sessions, though every relationship is different. The timeline depends on how long problems have been building, whether both partners are committed, and the severity of issues. Couples who recognize warning signs early and seek help before contempt takes over tend to see faster results. The average couple waits six years before getting help, which makes recovery longer - don't wait that long.
Is it normal to feel lonely in your marriage?
Feeling lonely in marriage is common but not healthy. It usually means there's been a decrease in emotional intimacy - you're sharing a life but not sharing yourselves. This often develops gradually as conversations become surface-level (schedules, bills, logistics) instead of deeper topics (dreams, fears, feelings). The good news is emotional connection can be rebuilt through intentional quality time, weekly check-ins, and learning to turn toward each other's bids for connection instead of away.
Do most couples really have the same fights over and over?
Yes - Gottman's research shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they never get fully 'solved.' These ongoing disagreements are usually about fundamental differences in personality, needs, or values. The key isn't eliminating these conflicts but learning to manage them with respect and understanding. Healthy couples accept their differences and find compromise, while struggling couples keep having the same unproductive arguments without resolution.
Can therapy actually help if we've already talked about divorce?
Yes, many marriages are saved even after divorce has been mentioned. The fact that you're considering therapy means you haven't completely given up. Research shows that 73% of marriages survive affairs with proper therapy, and marriages can turn around even after years of disconnection. The determining factor isn't how bad things have gotten but whether both partners are willing to do the work. Therapy helps you either rebuild your marriage or part ways with clarity and respect.
When should we consider separation instead of trying to save the marriage?
Consider separation when there's abuse (physical, emotional, or verbal), when one or both partners have completely checked out emotionally, when all attempts at therapy have failed and neither person is willing to keep trying, or when staying together is more harmful than separating (especially for children). However, many couples who think they're past the point of no return are surprised by what's possible with professional help. A good therapist can help you make this decision with clarity rather than desperation.
