15 Signs Your Marriage Is Over (And When It Can Still Be Saved)
You lie awake at 2 AM wondering if your marriage is truly over or if theres still something worth fighting for.
Maybe you had another fight that ended with both of you in separate rooms. Or maybe its worse - you didn’t fight at all. You just felt nothing.
If you are reading this, you’re probably asking yourself questions like: How do you know when a marriage is really over? Is what were going through normal or is this the end? Can we fix this or are we just delaying the inevitable?
As a couples therapist, I want you to know something right away. These feelings don’t automatically mean your marriage is over. Research shows that about two-thirds of unhappy marriages become happy again within five years if couples stick it out and get the right help.
But there are also real warning signs that shouldn’t be ignored. And knowing the difference can save you years of pain, whether that means fighting to save your marriage or finding the courage to move on.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Check any statements that feel true for you right now. This is for your eyes only.
0-2 checked: Normal rough patch. All marriages have these moments.
3-5 checked: Your marriage needs attention. Consider couples therapy.
6+ checked: Your marriage is in serious trouble. Professional help is strongly recommended.
What Research Says About Predicting Divorce
Dr. John Gottman has spent more than 40 years studying couples at his research lab in Seattle. His team can predict divorce with 94% accuracy after watching a couple interact for just 15 minutes.
What did he find? Its not whether you fight that matters. Its how you fight.
Gottman identified what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are four toxic communication patterns that show up in couples headed for divorce:
Criticism (attacking your partners character instead of their behavior)
Contempt (treating your partner with disgust or superiority)
Defensiveness (refusing to take responsibility)
Stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to engage)
When all four of these patterns show up regularly, couples have less than a 20% chance of staying together long-term.
The good news? Gottman also found that happy couples maintain a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Even during conflict, successful couples keep reaching toward each other with kindness.
Heres what this means for you. If you recognize some of these patterns in your marriage, thats actually good news. You can learn to change them with the right tools and support. If you are struggling with communication in your relationship, theres still hope.
The Four Horsemen of Divorce
Based on Dr. John Gottmans research with 40,000+ couples
Criticism
HORSEMAN #1Attacking your partners character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
SOUNDS LIKE:
"You always forget everything. Youre so selfish."
Contempt
#1 DIVORCE PREDICTORTreating your partner as inferior. Eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm meant to hurt.
SOUNDS LIKE:
"Youre pathetic. I cant believe I married someone so clueless."
Defensiveness
HORSEMAN #3Playing the victim and refusing to take any responsibility for problems.
SOUNDS LIKE:
"Its not my fault. If you didnt nag me so much, I wouldnt forget."
Stonewalling
HORSEMAN #4Shutting down completely. Refusing to engage or respond during conflict.
LOOKS LIKE:
Walking away mid-conversation, silent treatment, blank stare
The good news: Gottman found that healthy couples experience these too, but they recognize them quickly and repair. The key is awareness and learning the antidotes.
Part 1: 8 Warning Signs Your Marriage May Be Over
These signs suggest your marriage is in serious trouble and may be past the point of repair without significant intervention.
Sign 1: You Feel Contempt for Your Partner
Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce according to decades of research. Its not just being annoyed or frustrated. Its feeling like youre better than your partner and looking down on them with disgust.
Contempt shows up as eye-rolling, mocking, name-calling, sneering, and hostile humor meant to hurt. If you find yourself thinking things like "Hes so pathetic" or "Shes such an idiot," contempt has taken root.
This matters because contempt destroys the foundation of friendship and respect that marriages need to survive. Research shows contempt even weakens your partners immune system over time.
When this can still be fixed: If the contempt is situational (caused by a specific betrayal or stressful period) rather than your baseline feeling toward your partner, couples therapy can help rebuild appreciation and respect.
Sign 2: One or Both of You Has Checked Out Completely
Apathy is often worse than anger. When one partner stops caring whether the relationship succeeds or fails, thats a sign of deep disconnection.
This looks like going through the motions without any emotional investment. You might hear yourself saying "I just dont care anymore" or "Do whatever you want, it doesnt matter to me."
When someone has truly checked out, they stop trying to fix problems, stop expressing needs, and often stop fighting altogether. They may seem calm on the surface, but the relationship has become irrelevant to them.
When this can still be fixed: Sometimes what feels like checking out is actually self-protection after years of feeling unheard. A good therapist can help determine if theres still a spark buried under the ashes.
Checked Out vs. Just Needing Space
Sign 3: There Is Ongoing Abuse of Any Kind
Physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial abuse is always a deal-breaker. No amount of love or history justifies staying in a relationship where your safety is at risk.
Emotional abuse can include gaslighting, constant criticism, isolation from friends and family, threats, and controlling behaviors. These patterns typically escalate over time rather than improve.
If there has been one incident of domestic violence, research shows there will likely be more. Your safety and the safety of any children must come first.
When this can still be fixed: Abuse that continues despite the abusers stated willingness to change is a sign to leave. However, if an abusive partner genuinely commits to long-term individual therapy and demonstrates consistent changed behavior over time (not just promises), some couples do rebuild. This should only be attempted with professional guidance.
If you are in immediate danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Sign 4: You Live Completely Separate Lives
Couples naturally have different interests and friend groups. But when you and your spouse have essentially become roommates who share bills and nothing else, your marriage is in trouble.
This goes beyond just being busy. Its when you actively avoid spending time together, make major life decisions without consulting each other, and feel relieved when your partner is away.
Some couples maintain this arrangement for years, especially when children are involved. This is sometimes called roommate syndrome, where you’re cohabitating but no longer connecting as partners. Living parallel lives rather than a shared one erodes the foundation of partnership.
When this can still be fixed: If both partners genuinely want to reconnect and are willing to intentionally rebuild shared experiences, many couples come back from this. It requires effort, but the distance is often a symptom of underlying issues that can be addressed.
Sign 5: Trust Has Been Destroyed and Cannot Be Rebuilt
Some betrayals are so severe that the trust cannot be repaired. This might include repeated infidelity, major financial deception, or lies about fundamental issues.
Its not the initial betrayal that necessarily ends the marriage. Its what happens after. If the partner who broke the trust shows no genuine remorse, blames the victim, continues the behavior, or refuses to do the work required to rebuild trust, the marriage likely cannot survive.
Healing after infidelity is possible, but it requires complete transparency and sustained effort from the partner who betrayed.
When this can still be fixed: When the betraying partner takes full responsibility, ends all contact with any third party, commits to complete transparency, and both partners engage in couples therapy, many marriages do recover from even severe betrayals.
Sign 6: You Dream About Life Without Your Spouse (and Feel Relief)
Everyone has moments of wondering "what if?" But when thoughts of divorce bring a sense of relief and hope rather than sadness and fear, pay attention.
If you find yourself planning your exit, looking at apartments, fantasizing about dating other people, or feeling lighter when you imagine being single, your heart may already be out the door.
This is different from intrusive thoughts during a rough patch. This is a persistent sense that your future would be better without your partner in it.
When this can still be fixed: Sometimes these fantasies are a wake-up call that something needs to change, not necessarily that the marriage needs to end. Honest conversation with your spouse and a therapist can help you understand what youre really seeking.
Sign 7: You Feel Lonelier With Your Spouse Than Without Them
Loneliness in marriage is a heartbreaking sign that emotional connection has broken down. You might be in the same room, even the same bed, but feel completely alone.
This is different from needing alone time or having introverted tendencies. This is a deep sense that your partner doesnt see you, understand you, or care about your inner world.
Research shows that feeling emotionally disconnected in marriage is worse for mental and physical health than being single.
When this can still be fixed: Emotional disconnection often builds gradually and can be reversed with intentional effort. Couples therapy can teach you how to turn toward each other again and rebuild emotional intimacy.
Sign 8: Only One Person Is Willing to Try
A marriage cannot be saved by one person alone. It takes two people committed to doing the hard work of repair. If youve been dragging your partner to therapy, reading all the relationship books, and making all the changes while they refuse to participate, your marriage is in serious danger.
This doesnt mean both partners need to be equally enthusiastic. But there needs to be basic willingness from both to try.
When this can still be fixed: Sometimes a resistant partner needs to see their spouse genuinely ready to walk away before they wake up. Discernment counseling is specifically designed for couples where one person is leaning out while the other is leaning in. Learn more about how to get your partner to go to couples therapy.
The 4 Stages of a Dying Marriage
The earlier you intervene, the better your chances of recovery
Stage 1: Disillusionment
HIGHLY RECOVERABLEReality sets in. The honeymoon is over. You notice flaws you overlooked before. Small disappointments accumulate.
Stage 2: Erosion
NEEDS INTERVENTIONResentment builds. Communication becomes defensive. You start keeping score. Emotional distance grows. The Four Horsemen appear more frequently.
Stage 3: Detachment
URGENT HELP NEEDEDEmotional withdrawal. You stop trying to fix things. Parallel lives begin. Apathy replaces anger. You feel like roommates, not partners.
Stage 4: Termination
VERY DIFFICULTOne or both partners have mentally left. Divorce is being planned or discussed. The decision feels final. Recovery requires extraordinary effort from both people.
Part 2: 7 Signs Your Marriage Is Struggling But Can Still Be Saved
These signs indicate your marriage needs attention and possibly professional help, but theyre common in relationships that can recover.
Sign 9: You Fight About the Same Things Over and Over
Having the same argument on repeat is frustrating, but its not necessarily a death sentence for your marriage. Dr. Gottman found that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual, meaning they never fully get resolved because theyre based on fundamental personality differences.
The issue isnt having unsolvable problems. Its how you handle them. Couples who thrive learn to discuss their perpetual issues with humor and acceptance rather than escalating to the Four Horsemen.
How to fix this: Learn to identify the underlying needs behind your recurring arguments. A couples therapist can help you develop dialogue around your stuck issues instead of gridlock. If you’re not sure whether your conflicts are normal or a red flag, read about signs of marriage problems or common marriage problems and solutions.
Sign 10: Youve Stopped Having Sex
A sexless marriage is often a symptom of deeper issues rather than the problem itself. Stress, health issues, medication side effects, unresolved resentment, and feeling emotionally disconnected can all lead to bedroom drought.
This becomes concerning when neither partner seems interested in addressing it, or when one partner consistently rejects the other without explanation.
How to fix this: Start by ruling out medical causes. Then look at what else might be affecting intimacy, usually theres emotional distance that needs to be repaired first. Many couples find that as they rebuild connection outside the bedroom, physical intimacy follows.
Why Intimacy Fades (And What Each Cause Needs)
Unresolved Resentment
Old hurts create emotional walls that block physical desire.
Needs: Couples therapy to process past wounds
Stress & Exhaustion
Work, kids, finances drain energy that could go toward connection.
Needs: Lifestyle changes and scheduled intimacy
Medical Issues
Hormones, medications, health conditions affect libido.
Needs: Medical evaluation and treatment
Feeling Undesired
Rejection breeds more rejection in a painful cycle.
Needs: Open conversation about desires and fears
Emotional Disconnection
Without emotional intimacy, physical intimacy feels empty.
Needs: Rebuild friendship and emotional safety first
Poor Communication
Neither partner knows what the other wants or needs.
Needs: Learn to discuss intimacy openly and safely
Sign 11: Youve Had an Affair (or Your Spouse Has)
Infidelity is devastating, but it doesnt automatically mean your marriage is over. Research shows that about 10-15% of couples reconcile after divorce, and many more stay together and rebuild after an affair.
What matters most is what happens next. The betrayer must take full responsibility, end the affair completely, and commit to transparency and repair. The betrayed partner must be willing to eventually work toward forgiveness (though this takes time).
How to fix this: Affair recovery counseling provides a structured process for healing. Many couples report their marriage is actually stronger after doing the deep work that infidelity requires. Learn about steps to rebuild trust after being caught cheating.
Sign 12: You Dont Feel Appreciated or Respected
Feeling taken for granted erodes love over time. If you feel like your contributions to the family and relationship go unnoticed, or if your partner dismisses your feelings and opinions, resentment builds.
This is different from contempt. You may still love and respect your partner, you just feel like that respect isnt mutual.
How to fix this: Start by expressing your needs clearly without criticism. Try saying "I feel unappreciated when..." rather than "You never appreciate anything I do." Often, partners genuinely dont realize theyre not showing appreciation. Building rituals of connection and gratitude can repair this.
Sign 13: Youre Growing in Different Directions
People change over decades of marriage. Sometimes those changes pull you closer together. Sometimes they create distance.
Maybe one of you wants kids and the other doesnt. Maybe one partner has found religion while the other has moved away from it. Maybe career paths are pulling you toward different cities.
How to fix this: This requires honest conversations about your non-negotiables versus your preferences. Some differences can be worked around with compromise. Others are true deal-breakers. A therapist can help you figure out which category your differences fall into.
Sign 14: Communication Has Broken Down
When simple conversations escalate into fights, or when you avoid talking altogether to keep the peace, your marriage is struggling. Poor communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy, and also one of the most fixable issues.
One particularly damaging pattern is stonewalling, where one partner completely shuts down during conflict.
How to fix this: Learning healthy communication skills can transform your relationship. This includes learning to listen without defensiveness, express needs without criticism, and repair after conflict.
Sign 15: You Feel Like Youre Walking on Eggshells
If you constantly monitor your words and actions to avoid triggering your partners anger or criticism, thats a problem. Healthy relationships have room for you to be yourself, make mistakes, and disagree.
The question is whether this pattern can change. Is your partner capable of self-reflection and growth? Are they willing to work on their reactivity?
How to fix this: Sometimes walking on eggshells is related to relationship anxiety on your end rather than your partners behavior. Other times its a response to genuine volatility. Individual therapy can help you sort this out and develop healthier boundaries.
Quick Reference: Fixable vs. Often Fatal Marriage Problems
Usually Fixable
- ● Poor communication patterns
- ● Decreased intimacy (with willingness to work on it)
- ● Infidelity (with genuine remorse and transparency)
- ● Growing apart (if both want to reconnect)
- ● Recurring conflicts about the same issues
- ● Feeling unappreciated or disrespected
- ● External stressors (finances, family, work)
Often Fatal
- ● Any form of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
- ● Chronic contempt with no remorse
- ● Complete apathy from one or both partners
- ● Repeated betrayals with no change
- ● Only one partner willing to try
- ● Active addiction with refusal to get help
- ● Fundamental incompatibility (values, kids, life goals)
Remember: These are general patterns. Every marriage is unique. A skilled couples therapist can help you assess your specific situation.
How to Know If Your Marriage Can Be Saved
After reading through these signs, you might be wondering where your marriage falls. Here are the key questions to ask yourself:
Are both of you willing to try? A marriage cannot be saved by one person alone. Both partners need to be willing to do the work, even if one is more motivated than the other at the start.
Is there still attachment? Even if youre angry or hurt, do you still feel connected to your partner? Can you remember what you loved about them? Anger and hurt can heal. Indifference is harder to overcome.
Has there been abuse? Safety must come first. Abuse patterns typically escalate rather than resolve without intensive intervention, and sometimes not even then.
Are you both willing to look at yourselves? Successful couples therapy requires each person to examine their own contribution to the problems. If either partner insists the other is entirely at fault, progress is unlikely.
Is the foundation still there? Underneath the current problems, is there respect, friendship, and shared values? These can be rebuilt if they once existed.
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
Answer these 5 questions honestly
Is there any abuse in your relationship?
Are you BOTH willing to work on the marriage?
Do you still feel any love or attachment (even under the anger)?
Can you each look at your own contribution to the problems?
Was there ever respect, friendship, and shared values?
If you answered YES to questions 2-5 and NO to question 1:
Your marriage has a real chance. Many couples in your situation rebuild stronger relationships with professional help. Dont wait - the sooner you start, the better your odds.
If your answers were mixed:
Thats okay. Most couples dont have clear-cut answers. A skilled therapist can help you find clarity and determine if your marriage can be saved.
What to Do Next
If you’ve recognized signs that your marriage is in trouble, dont wait. The average couple waits six years from when problems begin to when they seek help. By then, patterns are deeply entrenched and harder to change.
If you want to save your marriage:
Start with couples therapy. Look for a therapist trained in evidence-based approaches like Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
Online marriage counseling can be just as effective as in-person sessions if logistics are challenging.
Individual therapy can also help you work on your contribution to the relationship patterns.
If you’re unsure whether to stay or go:
Consider discernment counseling, which is specifically designed for couples where one partner is leaning toward divorce.
Give yourself permission to not know yet. This is a major life decision that deserves careful thought.
If you know your marriage is over:
Seek individual therapy to process your grief and prepare for the transition ahead.
If you have children, prioritize their wellbeing and consider family therapy to help them adjust. Heres our guide on co-parenting after divorce.
Divorce doesn’t mean failure. Sometimes its the healthiest choice for everyone involved.
A Final Word
Every marriage goes through hard seasons. Feeling disconnected, frustrated, or unsure about your future together doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is over.
But ignoring real problems wont make them go away. Whether your path leads toward rebuilding your marriage or moving on, you deserve support along the way.
If you’re in Castle Rock, Colorado or the South Denver area and looking for help with your marriage, we offer couples counseling designed to help you find clarity, whether that means saving your relationship or navigating separation with grace.
The fact that you are reading this article shows you care about your marriage enough to seek answers. That matters.
