Loveless Marriage: 12 Signs You're in One (And Whether Love Can Come Back)
You might be in a loveless marriage if...
Good news: 67% of unhappy couples who work on their marriage report being happy within 5 years. Love can come back. This guide will help you figure out where you stand and what to do next.
You cant remember the last time you felt truly connected to your spouse.
Maybe you’re lying next to them right now, but you feel completely alone. Or you’re going through the motions of married life - the dinners, the errands, the shared calendar - without any of the warmth that used to be there.
If you’re wondering whether you’re in a loveless marriage, you’re not alone. And heres something that might surprise you: feeling disconnected doesn’t always mean your marriage is over.
Research from Dr. John Gottman shows that two-thirds of couples who report being unhappy in their marriage are actually happy again within five years - if they stay together and do the work.
But how do you know the difference between a rough patch and a marriage thats truly lost its love? And more importantly, can that love actually come back?
As a couples therapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples at this exact crossroads. Some reignite their connection. Others realize its time to let go. The difference often comes down to recognizing what youre dealing with and taking the right next steps.
💔 Quick Check: Is Your Marriage Loveless?
Check any that apply to you right now
If you checked 3 or more: Your marriage may have entered "loveless" territory. Keep reading to understand what this means and what you can do about it.
What Is a Loveless Marriage, Exactly?
A loveless marriage isnt just about having less sex or fewer date nights. Its a marriage where the emotional connection has faded to the point where you feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
In a loveless marriage, you might still care about your spouse as a person. You might even respect them. But the warmth, the desire to be close, the feeling that they truly "get" you - thats gone.
Some signs that you might be in a roommate syndrome marriage include:
You talk about logistics but never about feelings
Physical affection feels forced or nonexistent
You feel relieved when theyre not around
You cant remember the last time you laughed together
You fantasize about being single
A loveless marriage is different from a sexless marriage, though the two often overlap. You can have a marriage without much sex but still feel deeply connected emotionally. And you can have sex without any real emotional intimacy. Its the combination of physical AND emotional distance that creates a truly loveless marriage.
Understanding Where Your Marriage Falls
Struggling Marriage
Going through a rough patch but still fundamentally connected
- Still feel love, just frustrated or disconnected temporarily
- Want to spend time together but life gets in the way
- Arguments feel hard but you make up
- Can remember why you married them
Unhappy Marriage
Persistent dissatisfaction but emotional bond still exists
- Feel unhappy more often than happy
- Still care about your spouses wellbeing
- Wish things were different but havent given up
- Physical affection reduced but not gone
Loveless Marriage
Emotional connection has significantly eroded or disappeared
- Feel indifferent or apathetic toward spouse
- No desire for emotional or physical closeness
- Living parallel lives with no intersection
- Struggle to remember positive feelings
How Does a Marriage Become Loveless?
Love rarely disappears overnight. Most loveless marriages happen gradually, like water slowly eroding rock. You dont notice the change until one day you look up and realize the landscape of your relationship has completely shifted.
Here are the most common reasons marriages lose their love:
Life takes over. Work, kids, bills, aging parents - the demands pile up and your relationship gets pushed to the bottom of the list. You tell yourself youll reconnect "when things calm down," but they never do.
Resentment builds. Small hurts and disappointments accumulate over the years. Maybe your spouse didn’t show up for you during a hard time. Maybe you feel criticized or dismissed. Each unresolved wound creates distance. This pattern of emotional disconnection is often called emotional neglect in marriage, and it's one of the most common causes of loveless relationships.
You stop being curious about each other. In the beginning, you wanted to know everything about your partner. Now you assume you already know them. You stop asking questions. You stop growing together.
Conflict goes unresolved. You either fight about the same things over and over without resolution, or youve stopped fighting altogether because it feels pointless. Both paths lead to disconnection.
Intimacy fades. Physical touch decreases. Emotional vulnerability feels too risky. You protect yourself by pulling back, and your spouse does the same.
Understanding how you got here matters because it helps you figure out whether the path back is possible. If you can identify signs of marriage problems early, you have more options for repair.
The Gradual Path to a Loveless Marriage
Stage 1: Drifting Apart
Life gets busy. You stop prioritizing each other. Date nights fade. Conversations become surface-level. You tell yourself its temporary.
Stage 2: Resentment Builds
Small disappointments accumulate. You feel unappreciated or misunderstood. Instead of talking about it, you keep score. Walls start going up.
Stage 3: Emotional Withdrawal
You stop sharing your inner world. Vulnerability feels too risky. You protect yourself by pulling back. Your spouse does the same.
Stage 4: Apathy Sets In
The anger fades into indifference. You stop fighting because it doesnt seem worth it. You coexist but no longer connect. This is the loveless zone.
The earlier you intervene, the easier recovery is. Most couples wait until Stage 4 to seek help—but help is available at any stage.
12 Signs Youre in a Loveless Marriage
Not sure if what youre experiencing is a normal rough patch or something deeper? Here are the 12 signs therapists look for when assessing whether a marriage has lost its love.
Sign 1: You Feel Like Roommates Instead of Partners
You share a house, split the bills, and coordinate schedules. But thats about it. Theres no sense that youre building a life together - youre just two people managing a household.
Conversations revolve around logistics: who's picking up the kids, whats for dinner, did you pay that bill. The deeper conversations about dreams, fears, and feelings have disappeared.
What this means: This is one of the earliest signs of a loveless marriage. The friendship at the core of your relationship has eroded. But its also one of the most fixable signs if caught early.
Sign 2: Physical Affection Has Disappeared
Im not just talking about sex (though thats often affected too). Im talking about all the small touches that keep couples connected: holding hands, a kiss goodbye, sitting close on the couch, a hug when you get home.
When physical affection disappears, couples often dont even realize how long its been. You might go days or weeks without touching each other at all.
What this means: Touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Without it, emotional connection weakens further. If youre avoiding touch because it feels awkward or forced, thats a sign the emotional distance has grown significant.
Sign 3: You Dont Share Your Inner World Anymore
When something good happens, your spouse isnt the first person you want to tell. When youre struggling, you dont turn to them for support. Youve stopped sharing your thoughts, your worries, your excitement.
Maybe youve learned that sharing leads to criticism or dismissal. Maybe you just dont feel like they care. Either way, youve closed off the emotional pipeline between you.
What this means: Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires safety. If you dont feel safe being open with your spouse, the marriage is in trouble. Learn more about building emotional intimacy.
Signs of Emotional Disconnection
Each checked item represents a bid for connection thats been lost. These can be rebuilt.
Sign 4: You Actively Avoid Coming Home
You find reasons to stay late at work. You take the long way home. You sit in the car for a few extra minutes before going inside. The thought of being home with your spouse fills you with dread rather than comfort.
Your home should be your refuge. When it starts to feel like a place you want to escape from, something is seriously wrong.
What this means: Avoidance is a protective mechanism. Youre trying to shield yourself from the discomfort of being in a disconnected relationship. This sign often indicates deeper unhappiness that needs to be addressed.
Sign 5: You Feel Lonelier With Them Than Without Them
This is one of the most painful signs of a loveless marriage. You can be in the same room, even the same bed, and feel completely alone.
Research shows that loneliness in marriage is actually worse for your health than being single. At least when you’re single, you expect to feel alone sometimes. When youre married and lonely, it feels like a betrayal of what marriage should be.
What this means: This indicates a serious breakdown in emotional connection. Your partner is physically present but emotionally unavailable (or vice versa). This pattern needs intervention to change.
Here's what I tell my clients who feel lonely in their marriage: That loneliness isn't a sign you married the wrong person. It's a sign your connection needs repair. You didn't lose the love—you lost the pathway to each other. And pathways can be rebuilt.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Sign 6: Contempt Has Replaced Respect
Eye-rolling. Mocking. Name-calling. Sneering. These are all signs of contempt, which Dr. John Gottman identifies as the number one predictor of divorce.
Contempt goes beyond frustration. Its a feeling of superiority over your partner, a sense that theyre beneath you. Once contempt takes root, its very hard to feel love for someone you look down on.
What this means: Contempt is toxic and must be addressed directly. It usually stems from long-standing resentment that was never resolved. If you recognize contempt in your marriage, professional help is strongly recommended.
Gottmans Four Horsemen of Divorce
When all four appear regularly, couples have less than 20% chance of staying together
Criticism
Attacking your partners character rather than their behavior
"You never think about anyone but yourself. Youre so selfish."
Contempt
Treating your partner with disgust or superiority
*Eye roll* "Oh please. You cant even handle the simplest things."
Defensiveness
Making excuses and refusing to take responsibility
"Thats not my fault! If you hadnt done X, I wouldnt have..."
Stonewalling
Shutting down and refusing to engage
*Silence* *Walks away* *Stares at phone* "Whatever."
Good news: These patterns can be unlearned with the right tools and practice.
Sign 7: You Fantasize About Life Without Your Partner
Everyone has occasional "what if" moments. But if you regularly daydream about being single, imagine dating other people, or feel excited rather than sad when you think about divorce, your heart may already be moving on.
Some people even find themselves waiting for milestones - kids leaving for college, retirement, a certain amount in savings - as their "escape date."
What this means: Persistent fantasies about leaving are your minds way of preparing for what it sees as inevitable. This doesnt mean divorce is the only option, but it does mean your current reality feels unbearable.
Sign 8: Youve Stopped Fighting
Counterintuitive, but true. Fighting actually shows you still care enough to engage. When couples stop fighting altogether, its often because theyve given up hope that anything will change.
The opposite of love isnt hate - its apathy. When you cant even muster the energy to argue about something that bothers you, the emotional investment in the relationship has flatlined.
What this means: This is often a late-stage sign of a loveless marriage. One or both partners has emotionally checked out. The silence isnt peace - its resignation.
Sign 9: You Keep Score of Everything
In healthy relationships, couples give freely without tracking who did what. In loveless marriages, everything becomes transactional. "I did the dishes, so you should fold the laundry." "I went to your mothers birthday, so you owe me."
Keeping score is a sign that goodwill has evaporated. Youre no longer a team working toward shared goals - youre two individuals protecting your own interests.
What this means: This pattern reflects a breakdown in trust and generosity. It often accompanies resentment from feeling undervalued or taken for granted.
Sign 10: Irritation Is Your Default Setting
Little things about your spouse that never used to bother you now drive you crazy. The way they chew, their laugh, how they load the dishwasher - everything grates on your nerves.
This constant irritation is often displaced frustration about bigger issues in the relationship. Since those issues feel too overwhelming to address, the annoyance leaks out onto minor things.
What this means: Chronic irritation is a symptom, not the problem itself. Underneath it usually lies unresolved hurt, unmet needs, or accumulated disappointment.
🔍 What Your Irritation Is Really About
Addressing the real issue underneath creates more change than trying to tolerate the small stuff.
Sign 11: You Have Separate Lives With No Overlap
Different friend groups, different hobbies, different schedules - and no interest in changing that. You might even take separate vacations or spend major holidays apart.
Some independence in marriage is healthy. But when your lives have zero intersection beyond sharing an address, youve essentially become strangers who live together.
What this means: Parallel lives often develop gradually as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of disconnection. While it might feel like a solution, it actually accelerates the loss of love.
Sign 12: You Cant Remember Why You Married Them
When asked what you love about your spouse, you draw a blank. The qualities that once attracted you seem distant or irrelevant. You struggle to recall happy memories or, if you do remember them, they feel like they happened to different people.
Gottmans research shows that couples who cant recall the positive early days of their relationship have a much harder time rebuilding. That history is the foundation you build repair on.
What this means: If the positive memories are completely inaccessible, the emotional bond has seriously deteriorated. However, with effort, many couples can recover those feelings. They havent disappeared - theyve just been buried under layers of hurt.
Where Does Your Marriage Fall?
Remember: Even couples at 10+ signs can recover with commitment from both partners and the right help.
Can Love Come Back in a Marriage?
This is the question everyone in a loveless marriage wants answered. And the honest answer is: yes, for most couples, love can return. But it takes work, time, and willingness from both partners.
Dr. John Gottman's research found that couples who "turned toward" each others attempts at connection 86% of the time stayed married. Those who divorced only responded to connection attempts 33% of the time. This tells us that love is built through thousands of small moments of attention and response.
Heres what the research says about falling back in love:
Its possible but different. Falling back in love wont feel like the beginning when everything was effortless and exciting. It will feel like a choice, a commitment, a gradual warming. Thats not less valuable - its actually more sustainable.
It takes about two years. Couples who successfully rebuild report that it takes roughly 18-24 months of consistent effort before the relationship feels genuinely different. Quick fixes dont exist.
Both people must want it. One person cannot save a marriage alone. Both partners need to be willing to examine their own contribution to the problems and commit to change.
The foundation matters. If there was never respect, friendship, or shared values in the relationship, building it from scratch is much harder than rebuilding what once existed.
Can Your Marriage Recover?
Answer honestly for each partner
1. Are BOTH of you willing to try?
2. Is there any ongoing abuse?
3. Do you still have basic respect for each other?
4. Can you remember happy times together?
More green answers = stronger foundation for recovery. Even mixed answers dont mean its hopeless—they mean you need professional guidance to sort through complexity.
When Love CAN Come Back
Love is most likely to return when:
Both partners take responsibility. Not 50/50 blame, but each person genuinely examining their own role in the disconnection. Defensiveness and blame-shifting block repair.
The problems are situational, not fundamental. If you drifted apart due to stress, life transitions, or neglect (rather than abuse, addiction, or fundamental incompatibility), the prognosis is better.
Respect still exists. Even without love, if you still respect your partner as a person and they respect you, theres a foundation to build on.
Youre willing to be vulnerable again. Rebuilding love requires taking emotional risks - sharing feelings, asking for needs to be met, initiating affection even when it feels awkward.
You get professional help. Couples therapy significantly increases the odds of successful reconnection. A trained therapist can help you break destructive patterns and learn new ways of relating.
When Love Probably Wont Return
Some situations make rebuilding extremely difficult or inadvisable:
Ongoing abuse of any kind. Physical, emotional, verbal, or financial abuse destroys the safety needed for love. If abuse is present, your priority should be safety, not saving the marriage.
Untreated addiction. Active addiction makes genuine emotional connection impossible. Recovery must come first.
Repeated infidelity without remorse. A single affair, met with genuine remorse and changed behavior, can sometimes be survived. Repeated betrayals with no accountability cannot.
Contempt has become permanent. If you genuinely look down on your partner and cant imagine respecting them again, love has nowhere to grow.
Only one person wants to try. A marriage requires two committed people. If your partner refuses therapy, wont discuss problems, or has already mentally left, you cant force reconnection.
If youre seeing signs your marriage is over, it may be time to consider whether staying is the healthiest choice.
When Love Can vs. Cannot Return
Love CAN Return
- Both willing to work on it
- Drifted due to life stress
- Respect still exists
- Can take responsibility
- No ongoing abuse
- Willing to get help
- Good foundation existed once
- Open to vulnerability
Recovery Unlikely
- Only one person trying
- Ongoing abuse present
- Untreated addiction
- Permanent contempt
- Repeated unremorseful betrayal
- Refuses any help
- Complete apathy from both
- Fundamental incompatibility
If youre unsure which column fits your situation, a couples therapist can help you assess honestly.
7 Steps to Rebuild Love in Your Marriage
If you and your spouse are both willing to try, here are concrete steps that help couples reconnect:
Step 1: Acknowledge Where You Are
Stop pretending everything is fine. Have an honest conversation with your spouse about the state of your marriage. This is scary, but you cant fix what you dont acknowledge.
Try saying something like: "I love you and I want our marriage to work, but I feel like weve lost our connection. I want to find our way back. Do you?"
Step 2: Seek Professional Help
Dont try to rebuild alone. A couples therapist provides structure, teaches skills, and helps you navigate difficult conversations without them escalating. Research shows couples therapy has a 70% success rate when both partners are committed.
Step 3: Create Rituals of Connection
Start small. A six-second kiss goodbye in the morning. Asking "How was your day?" and actually listening to the answer. Ten minutes of device-free conversation before bed.
Gottman calls these "bids for connection." Responding to each others bids is how love rebuilds, one small moment at a time.
Step 4: Address Resentments (Carefully)
Old hurts dont disappear just because you decide to start fresh. They need to be acknowledged, discussed, and ideally forgiven. A therapist can help you do this without the conversation becoming destructive.
Step 5: Rebuild Physical Connection Gradually
Dont jump straight to sex if intimacy has been absent for a while. Start with non-sexual touch: holding hands, hugs, sitting close together. Let physical comfort rebuild naturally.
Step 6: Date Each Other Again
Remember when you actually enjoyed spending time together? Try to recreate that. Go on dates. Try new activities together. Have fun - even if it feels forced at first.
Step 7: Be Patient
This will take longer than you want. There will be setbacks. You might have moments where you wonder if its worth it. Keep going anyway. Couples who push through the hard early months often report their marriage is eventually better than it was before the crisis.
🌱 30-Day Marriage Reset Challenge
Small daily actions that rebuild connection
Week 1: Attention
- 6-second kiss hello/goodbye
- Ask "Whats on your mind?"
- Put phone away at dinner
- Notice one thing you appreciate
Week 2: Appreciation
- Say "thank you" for small things
- Give one genuine compliment daily
- Write a short appreciation note
- Recall a favorite memory together
Week 3: Affection
- Hold hands for 2 minutes
- Hug for 20 seconds daily
- Sit close while watching TV
- Offer a shoulder massage
Week 4: Adventure
- Plan a date (take turns)
- Try something new together
- Share a dream for the future
- Laugh together intentionally
Tip: These feel awkward at first. Thats normal. Keep going anyway—research shows 30 days of consistent effort creates lasting change.
The couples who rebuild love aren't the ones who feel ready to try. They're the ones who try before they feel ready. Waiting until you 'feel like' reconnecting means waiting forever. The feeling follows the action—not the other way around.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
What If Only One of You Wants to Try?
This is heartbreaking but common. One partner sees the problems clearly and desperately wants to fix them. The other has already checked out - or wont admit anythings wrong.
If youre the one who wants to save the marriage:
Dont beg or pursue relentlessly. Desperation pushes people away. Express your desire to work on things, then give your partner space to respond.
Consider discernment counseling. This type of therapy is designed specifically for couples where one person is "leaning out" while the other is "leaning in." It helps both partners gain clarity about what they want.
Focus on yourself. You cant control your partners choices. What you can control is your own growth, your own healing, and your own clarity about what you need.
Set a timeline (privately). Decide how long youre willing to wait for your partner to engage. This isnt an ultimatum to share - its a boundary for yourself so you dont wait indefinitely.
A Final Word
Living in a loveless marriage is exhausting and lonely. You deserve to feel loved, connected, and valued in your relationship.
The good news is that most marriages can recover from this place. Love can return. But it requires both partners committing to the work, being honest about problems, and having patience for the slow process of rebuilding.
If you’re in Castle Rock or the South Denver area and want help figuring out whether your marriage can be saved, reach out for couples counseling. Sometimes an outside perspective is exactly what you need to find your way forward - whether thats together or apart.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a loveless marriage be saved?
Yes, most loveless marriages can be saved if both partners are willing to do the work. Research shows two-thirds of couples who stay together through difficult periods report being happy within five years. The key factors are mutual willingness, absence of abuse, and professional guidance.
How long does it take to fall back in love?
Couples who successfully rebuild their connection typically report it takes 18-24 months of consistent effort before the relationship feels genuinely different. Falling back in love is a gradual process that happens through thousands of small moments of connection, not a sudden event.
What is the difference between a loveless marriage and a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage is defined as having sex less than 10 times per year, while a loveless marriage is characterized by the absence of emotional connection, intimacy, and feelings of love. You can have a sexless marriage with strong emotional connection, or a marriage with regular sex but no emotional intimacy. Many loveless marriages are also sexless, but not always.
Should I stay in a loveless marriage for the kids?
This depends on the specifics of your situation. Research shows children do better with two happy parents (together or apart) than with parents in a conflict-filled or emotionally cold household. However, if your marriage is loveless but peaceful and you can model respect, staying while working on reconnection may be worth trying. A family therapist can help you evaluate whats best.
What are the signs that its time to leave a loveless marriage?
Signs it may be time to leave include: ongoing abuse of any kind, your partner refuses to work on the marriage, contempt has become permanent, untreated addiction, or repeated betrayal without remorse. If youve genuinely tried (including professional help) and nothing changes over an extended period, leaving may be the healthiest choice.
Can you love someone but not be in love with them?
Yes, this is common in long-term relationships. You can care about your spouse as a person (love them) while not feeling romantic connection or passion (being in love). This state often develops gradually after years together. With intentional effort and often professional help, many couples are able to rekindle the "in love" feelings.
How do I tell my spouse I feel like were in a loveless marriage?
Choose a calm moment (not during or after a fight). Use "I" statements: "I feel disconnected from us" rather than "You never show me love." Express that you want to work on it together: "I want to find our way back to each other. Can we talk about how to do that?" Be prepared for your spouse to feel hurt or defensive initially.
