20 Green Flags in Relationships: Signs of a Healthy Partner
🟢 The 4 Categories of Relationship Green Flags
Signs of a healthy, secure partner
Communication
Flags 1-4
Emotional Intelligence
Flags 5-8
Trust & Reliability
Flags 9-12
Growth & Support
Flags 13-20
Green flags aren't about perfection—they're about patterns that indicate emotional health and secure attachment.
We talk a lot about red flags in relationships. The warning signs. The behaviors that signal danger. And while that knowledge is valuable, it creates a problem: we get so focused on avoiding bad relationships that we forget what good ones actually look like.
Here's the truth: the absence of red flags isn't the same as the presence of green flags.
A partner who doesn't yell at you isn't the same as a partner who makes you feel heard. A partner who doesn't control you isn't the same as a partner who actively supports your independence. Not being harmful is the bare minimum. What you deserve is someone who is actively good.
I'm Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at South Denver Therapy. I work with couples all over Colorado. And one of the things I've noticed is that many people have never experienced what a truly healthy relationship feels like. They've survived bad ones, tolerated mediocre ones, and settled for "not terrible."
This guide is different. Instead of teaching you what to avoid, I want to show you what to look for. These are the 20 green flags that indicate you've found someone capable of building a healthy, lasting relationship with you.
What Is a Green Flag in a Relationship?
A green flag is a positive sign that indicates emotional health, secure attachment, and relationship readiness. Green flags aren't about perfection. They're about patterns of behavior that show someone is capable of being a good partner.
🟢 Green Flag vs. ⬜ Bare Minimum
🟢 GREEN FLAG
They celebrate your success and brag about you to others.
⬜ BARE MINIMUM
They don't openly criticize you.
🟢 GREEN FLAG
They encourage your independence and friendships.
⬜ BARE MINIMUM
They don't forbid you from seeing friends.
🟢 GREEN FLAG
They apologize sincerely AND change behavior.
⬜ BARE MINIMUM
They say "sorry" when confronted.
🟢 GREEN FLAG
They initiate quality time and plan dates.
⬜ BARE MINIMUM
They show up when you make plans.
Don't settle for "not terrible." Look for partners who are actively good.
The key distinction: green flags are active, not passive. They're things someone does, not just things they dont do. A green flag partner doesn't just avoid making you feel bad. They actively make you feel valued, safe, and loved.
The Psychology Behind Green Flags: Secure Attachment
Green flags in relationships aren't random. They're rooted in something psychologists call secure attachment.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how our early experiences shape how we relate to others. People with secure attachment had caregivers who were consistent, responsive, and emotionally available. As adults, they carry those patterns into their relationships.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that securely attached partners:
Handle conflict constructively instead of destructively
Repair quickly after arguments
Show consistent emotional availability
Balance independence with intimacy
Trust their partners and are trustworthy themselves
When you see green flags in someone, you're often seeing signs of secure attachment. That matters because secure attachment predicts relationship satisfaction and longevity better than almost any other factor.
Communication Green Flags
How someone communicates tells you everything about whether they can sustain a healthy relationship. These green flags show emotional intelligence and relational skill.
1. They Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
A green flag partner gives you their full attention when you're talking. They ask follow-up questions. They remember what you've shared. They're not just waiting for their turn to speak or formulating their rebuttal while you're still talking.
What it looks like:
They put down their phone when you're talking about something important
They say things like "Tell me more about that" or "How did that make you feel?"
Days later, they bring up something you mentioned: "How did that meeting go that you were worried about?"
The opposite (red flag): Interrupting, dismissing, or changing the subject back to themselves.
2. They Express Their Needs Clearly Without Blame
Healthy partners dont expect you to read their minds. They tell you what they need, directly and kindly, without making you feel like you've failed them.
What it looks like:
"I've been feeling disconnected lately. Can we plan a date night this week?"
"I need some alone time tonight to decompress. It's not about you."
"When you said that earlier, it hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it?"
The opposite (red flag): Expecting you to "just know," giving the silent treatment, or expressing needs through criticism ("You never...").
3. They Can Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
Green flag partners understand that conflict is normal and doesn't have to be destructive. They can hold a different opinion without making you feel wrong, stupid, or attacked.
What it looks like:
"I see it differently, but I want to understand your perspective."
They stay calm during disagreements instead of escalating
They fight the issue, not the person
The opposite (red flag): Yelling, name-calling, contempt, or needing to "win" every argument.
4. They Apologize Genuinely and Change Behavior
Anyone can say "I'm sorry." Green flag partners apologize sincerely, take responsibility for their actions, and then actually change the behavior. The apology is backed by action.
What it looks like:
"I was wrong to say that. I know it hurt you, and I'm going to work on not reacting that way."
Following up after an apology to check how you're feeling
You see actual improvement over time, not just repeated apologies for the same thing
The opposite (red flag): Non-apologies ("I'm sorry you feel that way"), apologies without change, or turning the apology into your fault.
Communication Green Flags
How healthy partners connect and resolve conflict
Why it matters: Communication predicts relationship success better than almost any other factor.
Emotional Intelligence Green Flags
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions—both your own and others'. These green flags indicate emotional maturity.
5. They Regulate Their Own Emotions
A green flag partner doesn't expect you to manage their emotional state. They can feel upset without exploding. They can feel anxious without spiraling. They take responsibility for their own emotional regulation.
What it looks like:
"I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm going to take a walk and cool down before we continue this conversation."
They have healthy coping strategies (exercise, journaling, talking to friends) instead of unhealthy ones (drinking, lashing out, shutting down)
Their mood doesn't control the entire household
The opposite (red flag): Explosive anger, emotional volatility that keeps you walking on eggshells, or expecting you to fix their feelings.
6. They Show Empathy for Your Feelings
When you're upset, a green flag partner tries to understand your experience before jumping to solutions, defenses, or dismissal. They validate your feelings even when they dont fully understand them.
What it looks like:
"That sounds really hard. I'm sorry you're going through that."
They comfort you when you're sad instead of getting uncomfortable and changing the subject
They can hold space for your emotions without making it about themselves
The opposite (red flag): "You're overreacting," minimizing your feelings, or making your emotions an inconvenience.
7. They're Comfortable With Vulnerability
Emotional health means being able to share fears, insecurities, and tender feelings without hiding behind humor, deflection, or walls. A green flag partner lets you see the real them.
What it looks like:
They share their fears and worries with you
They can admit when they're struggling
They dont pretend to have it all together all the time
The opposite (red flag): Emotional unavailability, refusing to open up, or punishing you for their vulnerability (sharing something then acting resentful that you know).
8. They're Happy for Your Success
A green flag partner celebrates your wins genuinely, without jealousy, competition, or needing to one-up you. Your success doesn't threaten them. It delights them.
What it looks like:
Genuine enthusiasm when you share good news: "That's amazing! I'm so proud of you!"
They brag about your accomplishments to others
They don’t immediately pivot to their own achievements or find something negative
The opposite (red flag): Minimizing your success, changing the subject, competing with you, or finding reasons your good news isn't that great.
Emotional Intelligence Green Flags
Signs of emotional maturity and self-awareness
Why it matters: Emotional intelligence is strongly correlated with secure attachment and relationship satisfaction.
Trust and Reliability Green Flags
Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. These green flags show that someone is dependable, honest, and worthy of your trust.
9. Their Words and Actions Match
A green flag partner doesn't just tell you who they are. They show you. Their promises are kept. Their commitments are honored. You can believe what they say because it consistently matches what they do.
What it looks like:
If they say they'll call, they call
If they commit to something, they follow through
Their behavior is consistent whether you're watching or not
The opposite (red flag): Broken promises, flaky behavior, saying one thing and doing another.
10. They're Transparent About Their Life
Green flag partners dont have hidden compartments. They're open about their past, their finances, their friendships, and their daily life. Not because you demand it, but because honesty is their default.
What it looks like:
They introduce you to their friends and family willingly
They're open about their past relationships and what they learned
They dont hide their phone or get defensive about normal questions
The opposite (red flag): Secretiveness, hidden relationships, getting angry when you ask normal questions.
11. They Trust You Too
Trust goes both ways. A green flag partner doesn't constantly need reassurance, doesn't check up on you obsessively, and doesn't assume the worst about your intentions.
What it looks like:
They don't get jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex
They encourage you to have your own social life
They believe you when you tell them things instead of interrogating
The opposite (red flag): Constant suspicion, checking your phone, needing to know where you are at all times, accusing you of things without evidence.
12. They're Consistent Over Time
Green flag partners are the same person on date three and date three hundred. Their mood, treatment of you, and behavior don't wildly fluctuate. You know what you're getting.
What it looks like:
Their personality doesn't change drastically based on context
They treat you well whether they're stressed or relaxed
There are no major "reveals" months into the relationship
The opposite (red flag): Hot and cold behavior, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde shifts, being perfect early then showing a different side later.
Trust & Reliability Green Flags
The foundation of lasting love
Why it matters: Trust is built through small, consistent actions over time—not grand gestures.
Growth and Support Green Flags
Healthy relationships help both people become better versions of themselves. These green flags show a partner who supports your growth while continuing their own.
13. They Encourage Your Independence
A green flag partner wants you to have your own friends, hobbies, interests, and goals. They understand that two whole people make a better couple than two halves trying to complete each other.
What it looks like:
"You should definitely go on that girls'/guys' trip!"
They have their own friends and interests outside the relationship
They dont guilt you for having a life outside of them
The opposite (red flag): Jealousy of your time with others, wanting all your attention, making you feel guilty for having outside relationships.
14. They Support Your Goals and Dreams
A green flag partner doesn't just tolerate your ambitions. They actively support them. They ask about your progress. They help brainstorm solutions. They're in your corner.
What it looks like:
They remember your goals and check in on them
They make sacrifices to help you achieve your dreams
They believe in you even when you doubt yourself
The opposite (red flag): Dismissing your goals, competing with your success, or sabotaging your efforts.
15. They're Committed to Their Own Growth
Healthy partners dont think they've arrived. They're aware of their own areas for growth and actively working on them. They read, go to therapy, ask for feedback, and try to become better.
What it looks like:
They can name things they're working on about themselves
They're open to feedback without getting defensive
They've done work to understand their own patterns
The opposite (red flag): Believing they're perfect, refusing to acknowledge areas for growth, getting defensive at any suggestion they could improve.
16. They Handle Stress Without Taking It Out on You
Life gets hard. Green flag partners don't use you as a punching bag when they're stressed, overwhelmed, or having a bad day. They can experience difficulty without making you the target.
What it looks like:
"I'm really stressed about work. I might be quiet tonight—it's not about you."
They have stress management strategies that don't involve dumping on you
When they do snap, they quickly recognize it and apologize
The opposite (red flag): Taking frustration out on you, expecting you to fix their stress, or becoming mean when life is hard.
Growth & Support Green Flags
Partners who help you become your best self
Why it matters: Healthy relationships make both people better, not just comfortable.
Relationship Behavior Green Flags
These green flags show up specifically in how someone operates within a committed relationship.
17. They Prioritize Quality Time Together
A green flag partner makes you feel like a priority, not an afterthought. They initiate plans. They put effort into your time together. They're present when they're with you.
What it looks like:
They plan dates and don't leave all the effort to you
They put their phone away when you're together
They make time for you even when life is busy
The opposite (red flag): Always too busy for you, distracted when you're together, making you feel like an option rather than a choice.
18. They Respect Your Boundaries
When you say no, they accept it. When you express a limit, they honor it. They dont push, guilt, or try to negotiate your boundaries away. They respect your autonomy.
What it looks like:
When you say you're not in the mood for something, they drop it
They ask before assuming, especially early in the relationship
They dont make you feel bad for having boundaries
The opposite (red flag): Pushing past boundaries, guilt-tripping you for saying no, treating your limits as negotiable.
19. They Fight Fair
Conflict happens in every relationship. Green flag partners know how to have productive disagreements. They don't hit below the belt, bring up old issues, or try to destroy you when they're mad.
What it looks like:
They stick to the issue at hand instead of bringing up everything you've ever done
They take breaks when things get too heated
They come back to resolve things rather than avoiding forever
The opposite (red flag): Name-calling, bringing up past mistakes as ammunition, stonewalling, or fighting to win instead of understand.
20. They Choose You Daily
The biggest green flag of all: they consistently choose you. Not just once, at the beginning. Every day. Through boring days and hard days and ordinary days. Their commitment isn't passive. It's active.
What it looks like:
They express appreciation regularly, not just on special occasions
They continue to pursue you even after you're "official"
Their actions say "I choose this" over and over again
The opposite (red flag): Taking you for granted, stopping effort once the relationship is "locked in," making you feel like they settled.
📋 Green Flag Partner Checklist
Check the behaviors you see consistently in your partner
💬 COMMUNICATION
💚 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
🤝 TRUST & RELIABILITY
🌱 GROWTH & SUPPORT
💕 RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIORS
Scoring: 16-20 checks = Strong green flag partner • 11-15 = Good foundation with room to grow • 6-10 = Some concerns worth addressing • Under 6 = May need to evaluate the relationship
Green Flags in Yourself: Are You a Healthy Partner?
It's not enough to look for green flags in others. You also need to be someone who displays them.
🪞 Are YOU a Green Flag Partner?
Honest self-reflection builds better relationships
Do I listen to understand, or to respond?
When my partner is talking, am I fully present? Or am I thinking about what I want to say next?
Can I apologize sincerely and change?
Do I take responsibility for my mistakes? Or do I get defensive, justify, or turn it back on them?
Am I genuinely happy for my partner's success?
Do I celebrate their wins? Or do I feel threatened, competitive, or resentful?
Do I respect boundaries—theirs and my own?
Can I hear "no" without pushing, pouting, or punishing? Do I honor my own limits?
Am I working on my own growth?
Can I name areas I'm actively improving? Am I open to feedback from my partner?
The healthiest relationships happen between two people who are both committed to being green flag partners.
If you struggle with some of these areas, that's okay. Self-awareness is the first step toward growth. Working with a therapist can help you develop the emotional intelligence, communication skills, and secure attachment patterns that make you a better partner.
What If They Have Some Green Flags But Not All?
Nobody has all 20 green flags all the time. We're all human. The question isn't "Are they perfect?" It's "Are they good enough?"
Consider:
Which flags matter most to you? Everyone has non-negotiables. Communication might be your priority. For someone else, it's emotional support.
Is there a pattern? Missing one green flag is different from missing most of them. Look at the overall picture.
Are they growing? Someone who doesn't have a green flag but is actively working on it is very different from someone who refuses to acknowledge any room for improvement.
How do you feel with them? Ultimately, green flags should translate to feeling safe, valued, and loved. If the flags are there but you don’t feel those things, pay attention to that too.
🤔 What If They Don't Have All 20?
✅ Appreciate What You Have If...
- They have most flags, especially in your priority areas
- Missing flags are acknowledged and being worked on
- You feel safe, valued, and loved overall
- They're receptive to feedback and growth
- The relationship improves over time
⚠️ Consider Working On It If...
- Key flags are missing in your priority areas
- They don't see the missing flags as problems
- You feel uncertain more than secure
- Growth has stalled or regressed
- You're doing most of the emotional labor
Nobody is perfect. The question is: are they "good enough" in the ways that matter most to you, and are they committed to growing?
How Green Flags Relate to Relationship Stages
Green flags become visible at different stages of a relationship.
🟢 Green Flags to Look For at Each Relationship Stage
💕 Early Dating (0-3 months)
Most important: Words match actions • Respects boundaries • Consistent communication • Rude to no one • Comfortable pace (not rushing) • Transparency
⚡ Power Struggle Stage (1-3 years)
Most important: Fights fair • Takes responsibility • Apologizes genuinely • Regulates emotions • Repairs after conflict • Willing to work on issues
⚖️ Stability & Beyond (3+ years)
Most important: Continues choosing you • Supports your growth • Maintains effort • Celebrates successes • Adapts through life changes • Still curious about you
Different flags become more visible—and more important—at different stages. Learn more in our guide to the 5 stages of a relationship.
One thing I've noticed in my work with couples: many people have never seen what a healthy relationship actually looks like. They grew up around dysfunction, survived unhealthy relationships, and their reference point is skewed. When you've been treated badly, "not terrible" can feel like a huge improvement.
That's why I love talking about green flags. It's not enough to avoid red flags. You deserve someone who makes you feel seen. Someone who repairs after conflict. Someone who celebrates your wins like they're their own. These aren't unrealistic standards. They're the baseline of a healthy relationship.
If you've never experienced this, it doesn't mean you cant. Sometimes it just takes learning what healthy looks like—and believing you deserve it.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Bottom Line: You Deserve Green Flags
Here's what I want you to remember: green flags aren't bonus features. They're the baseline of what you deserve.
If you've spent time in relationships where basic respect felt like a luxury, it can be hard to believe you deserve more. But you do. You deserve someone who listens. Someone who apologizes and means it. Someone who supports your dreams and celebrates your success. Someone who chooses you, every day.
The absence of abuse isn't the same as the presence of love. Don't settle for "not terrible" when healthy, fulfilling love is possible.
And if you've never experienced a green flag relationship, that doesn't mean you cant have one. Sometimes we need help recognizing what healthy looks like—and learning to become healthy partners ourselves. That's what therapy is for.
📋 Key Takeaways
Green flags are active, not passive. Look for what someone does, not just what they don't do.
4 categories matter: Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Trust & Reliability, Growth & Support.
Green flags indicate secure attachment, which predicts relationship satisfaction better than almost anything else.
Nobody has all 20 flags. Focus on your priorities and whether they're willing to grow.
Be a green flag partner too. The healthiest relationships are between two people committed to growth.
You deserve green flags. Don't settle for "not terrible" when healthy love is possible.
Want to Build a Healthier Relationship?
Whether you want to strengthen what you have or learn to recognize what you deserve, our therapists can help. We work with individuals and couples in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and throughout Colorado.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships and attachment. She has helped hundreds of individuals and couples in Castle Rock and the South Denver area build healthier relationships. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions About Green Flags in Relationships
Frequently Asked Questions
What's the most important green flag in a relationship?
While every individual has different priorities, relationship researchers consistently point to how someone handles conflict as a key predictor of relationship success. A partner who can disagree respectfully, take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize genuinely, and repair after arguments demonstrates the emotional maturity necessary for long-term relationship health. Communication-related green flags tend to be foundational because they affect everything else.
How many green flags should I expect in a healthy relationship?
Nobody displays all green flags perfectly all the time. A healthy partner doesn't need to be perfect—they need to be "good enough" in the areas that matter most to you and committed to growth. Generally, look for consistency in most areas (15+ out of 20), especially in your highest priorities. If someone is missing several green flags but is aware of their growth areas and actively working on them, that's different from someone who sees no room for improvement.
Can someone develop green flags over time?
Yes, absolutely. Green flags are largely learned behaviors that can be developed through self-awareness, therapy, and intentional practice. People can become better communicators, develop emotional intelligence, and build more secure attachment patterns over time. However, this requires genuine desire to change, not just pressure from a partner. The key green flag to look for is whether someone is committed to their own growth and open to feedback—these traits make other changes possible.
What's the difference between a green flag and love bombing?
Green flags are consistent over time; love bombing is intense but unsustainable. Love bombing involves overwhelming affection early in a relationship—excessive compliments, constant texting, expensive gifts, declarations of love after a few dates. It creates artificial intimacy to hook you before you can see the real person. True green flags are visible through steady, sustainable behavior over months, not grand gestures in the first few weeks. If it feels too good to be true too fast, proceed with caution.
How can I become a green flag partner?
Start with self-awareness: honestly assess which green flags you demonstrate and which areas need work. Focus on developing emotional intelligence—learning to regulate your emotions, communicate your needs clearly, and respond empathetically to others. Practice active listening. Learn to apologize genuinely and follow through with change. Consider therapy to work through attachment wounds or unhealthy patterns from past relationships. The willingness to grow is itself a major green flag.
What if I've never experienced green flag relationships?
Many people grew up around unhealthy relationship models or have only experienced red-flag relationships. This can make it hard to recognize what healthy looks like—or to believe you deserve it. Working with a therapist can help you understand what healthy relationships look like, examine patterns that may have led you to unhealthy partners, and develop the skills and confidence to choose differently. You absolutely can have a green flag relationship, even if you've never experienced one before.
Related Articles in This Series
5 Stages of a Relationship: What to Expect in Each Phase
Understanding the natural progression of healthy relationships
25 Red Flags in Relationships You Should Never Ignore
Warning signs therapists recognize in unhealthy relationships
50 Premarital Questions Every Couple Should Ask
Questions to discuss before committing to marriage
When to End a Relationship: 12 Signs It's Time to Walk Away
A therapist explains how to make this painful decision
