50 Premarital Questions Every Couple Should Ask Before Marriage
You're engaged. Or maybe you're seriously thinking about it. Either way, you're considering spending the rest of your life with this person.
That's wonderful. And it's also worth being intentional about.
Here's what I've noticed after years of working with couples in therapy: the ones who struggle most aren't the ones who had problems before marriage. Almost every couple has differences. The ones who struggle are the couples who never talked about those differences until they became conflicts.
The wedding costs money, time, and stress. But the marriage? That takes everything. And the conversations you have now—before you say "I do"—can save you years of conflict, resentment, and misunderstanding later.
I'm Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at South Denver Therapy. I work with couples all throughout Colorado. Some come to me for premarital counseling, eager to start their marriage on solid ground. Others come after years of marriage, finally addressing things they wish they'd talked about sooner.
This guide gives you the 50 most important premarital questions, organized by the 8 topics that research shows matter most for marital satisfaction. I'll explain why each question matters, what healthy conversations look like, and what to do if you discover you disagree.
These questions aren't meant to be a test. They're meant to be a conversation. Take your time with them.
Why Premarital Questions Matter
Research consistently shows that couples who engage in premarital education have better communication, higher relationship satisfaction, and lower divorce rates. One study found a 31% reduction in divorce risk for couples who completed premarital counseling.
But here's the thing: you dont necessarily need formal counseling to have these conversations. What you need is the willingness to be honest, the courage to listen, and the wisdom to address differences before they become deal-breakers.
The 8 Topics Therapists Say Matter Most
Values & Vision
Q1-5
Communication
Q6-12
Finances
Q13-19
Children
Q20-26
Intimacy
Q27-32
Roles
Q33-38
Family of Origin
Q39-43
Growth
Q44-50
The questions below are organized by the 8 topics that therapists and researchers identify as most predictive of marital success or struggle:
Values & Life Vision — Are you building toward the same future?
Communication & Conflict — Can you navigate hard conversations?
Money & Finances — One of the top causes of divorce
Family & Children — The biggest decision you'll make together
Intimacy & Affection — What keeps connection alive
Roles & Responsibilities — Who does what, and why?
Family of Origin — Where you came from shapes where you're going
Growth & Change — Who will you both become?
Let's begin.
How to Use This Guide
Before diving into the questions, a few suggestions:
💡 How to Have These Conversations
Take your time
Don't try to cover all 50 questions in one sitting. Pick a topic per week or tackle a few questions each date night.
Answer for yourself first
Write your own answers before hearing your partner's. This prevents you from just agreeing with what they say.
Listen to understand, not respond
Your goal isn't to win or convince. It's to truly understand your partner's perspective.
Differences aren't automatic dealbreakers
Having different answers isn't necessarily bad. What matters is whether you can understand, respect, and navigate those differences.
Be honest, even when it's hard
Better to have a difficult conversation now than a painful conflict later. Your partner deserves to know the real you.
Topic 1: Values & Life Vision
These questions explore whether you're building toward the same future. Shared values are one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction.
Question 1: What does a successful life look like to you?
Why it matters: You might be surprised how differently two people can define "success." For some, it's career achievement. For others, it's family closeness, financial security, adventure, or creative fulfillment. If you're working toward different visions of success, you may pull in opposite directions.
Green flag responses: Answers that show self-reflection, flexibility, and curiosity about your partner's perspective.
Red flag responses: Rigidity, dismissiveness of your vision, or values that fundamentally conflict with yours.
Question 2: What are your top 5 values, and how do you live them out?
Why it matters: Values aren't just words. They're the principles that guide your daily decisions. Knowing what your partner truly values—and whether their actions align with their stated values—tells you a lot about who they are.
Conversation starter: "My top values are probably honesty, family, growth, adventure, and kindness. What are yours?"
Question 3: Where do you see us in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
Why it matters: Are you both envisioning the same general trajectory? City or country? Career-focused or family-focused? Staying put or moving frequently? You dont need identical visions, but you need compatible ones.
Question 4: What are your spiritual or religious beliefs, and what role do you want them to play in our marriage and family?
Why it matters: Spiritual differences can be navigated, but only if you discuss them openly. This includes questions about how you'll raise children, what holidays you'll celebrate, and how involved you'll be in religious communities.
If you disagree: This is an area where compromise is possible, but only if both partners feel respected. Consider what level of religious involvement is acceptable to each of you.
Question 5: What does "family" mean to you?
Why it matters: For some people, family is nuclear and self-contained. For others, extended family is deeply involved in daily life. Neither is wrong, but differences here can create significant friction.
Topic 1: Values & Life Vision
Why it matters: Shared values are one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. You don't need identical values, but you need compatible ones.
Topic 2: Communication & Conflict
How you communicate—especially during conflict—predicts relationship success better than almost any other factor. These questions reveal patterns that will either strengthen or erode your marriage.
Question 6: How did your family handle conflict when you were growing up?
Why it matters: We learn our first lessons about conflict in childhood. Some people grew up in homes where conflict was explosive. Others grew up where it was swept under the rug. Understanding each other's default patterns helps you develop healthier ones together.
Question 7: What's the best way to approach you when I'm upset about something?
Why it matters: Everyone has preferences for how they receive difficult feedback. Some people need directness. Others need gentleness. Knowing your partner's preferences—and sharing your own—prevents unnecessary pain.
Conversation starter: "When you're upset with me, I prefer that you tell me directly but calmly. What works best for you?"
Question 8: When you're stressed or overwhelmed, what do you need from me?
Why it matters: Some people want solutions. Some want space. Some want comfort. If you're offering solutions when your partner needs comfort (or vice versa), you'll both feel frustrated and disconnected.
Question 9: How do you typically respond when you feel criticized?
Why it matters: Defensiveness is one of the Gottman Institute's "Four Horsemen" that predict relationship failure. Understanding your patterns around criticism—and your partner's—helps you approach difficult conversations more skillfully.
Question 10: What's one thing I do that bothers you, and how can I work on it?
Why it matters: If you cant have this conversation before marriage, the issue will only get bigger after. This question also models the vulnerability and accountability that healthy marriages require.
Green flag response: They can name something specific, express it kindly, and focus on behavior rather than character attacks.
Question 11: How long do you need to cool down after an argument before you can talk things through?
Why it matters: Some people want to resolve things immediately. Others need hours (or even a day) to process. If you dont understand each other's timelines, you'll feel either chased or abandoned.
Question 12: What does "fighting fair" mean to you?
Why it matters: Everyone has different ideas about what's acceptable during conflict. Is raising your voice okay? What about walking away? Name-calling? Bringing up the past? Get on the same page now.
Topic 2: Communication & Conflict
Why it matters: How you communicate during conflict predicts relationship success better than almost any other factor.
Topic 3: Money & Finances
Money is one of the top predictors of divorce—not because of how much you have, but because of how you handle it together. These questions address the financial realities you'll navigate as a married couple.
Question 13: How would you describe your relationship with money?
Why it matters: Some people are savers. Others are spenders. Some grew up with scarcity; others with abundance. Your financial "programming" affects every money decision you make.
Conversation starter: "Growing up, money was [tight/comfortable/never discussed]. That's made me someone who tends to [save obsessively/spend freely/avoid thinking about it]. What about you?"
Question 14: What debts do you currently have, and what's your plan for paying them off?
Why it matters: Full financial transparency is non-negotiable before marriage. Student loans, credit card debt, car payments—all of it becomes shared reality once you're married.
Red flag: A partner who refuses to disclose their financial situation or gets defensive when asked.
Question 15: Should we combine finances, keep them separate, or do some hybrid?
Why it matters: There's no single right answer, but there needs to be an answer. How will you handle joint expenses? Individual spending? Who pays for what?
Question 16: What's a purchase amount that requires a conversation before buying?
Why it matters: This prevents the "you spent HOW much?" conflict. Whether it's $50 or $500, agree on a threshold.
Question 17: What are your financial goals for the next 5 years?
Why it matters: Buying a house? Paying off debt? Building savings? Traveling? Make sure your goals align—or at least that you can prioritize together.
Question 18: How do you feel about supporting extended family financially if needed?
Why it matters: For some families, financial support of parents or siblings is expected. For others, it's rare. Get clear on expectations now.
Question 19: What does financial security mean to you, and how will we achieve it?
Why it matters: Security means different things to different people. An emergency fund? A paid-off house? Retirement savings? Define it together.
Topic 3: Money & Finances
Why it matters: Money is one of the top predictors of divorce—not how much you have, but how you handle it together.
Topic 4: Family & Children
The decision about whether to have children—and how to raise them—is one of the biggest you'll ever make. These questions deserve deep, honest conversation.
Question 20: Do you want children? If so, how many and when?
Why it matters: This is often a non-negotiable. If one partner wants children and the other doesn't, there's no compromise that leaves both fulfilled. Be honest.
If you disagree: This may require premarital counseling to explore whether the relationship can move forward. Don't marry hoping they'll change their mind.
Question 21: What kind of parent do you want to be?
Why it matters: Your answer reveals your values, your childhood experiences, and your expectations for your partner as a co-parent.
Question 22: How do you feel about discipline? What approaches do you agree with or disagree with?
Why it matters: Parenting disagreements are a major source of marital conflict. Discussing discipline philosophy now prevents fights later.
Question 23: How would we handle it if we had difficulty getting pregnant?
Why it matters: Infertility affects many couples. Knowing how you'd navigate fertility treatments, adoption, or the possibility of remaining childless prepares you for an emotionally difficult possibility.
Question 24: How will we divide childcare responsibilities?
Why it matters: Assumptions about who does what often go unspoken until they become resentments. Be explicit.
Conversation starter: "If we have kids, how do you envision splitting the day-to-day stuff—night feedings, school pickups, staying home when they're sick?"
Question 25: How involved do you want our extended family to be in raising our children?
Why it matters: Grandparents who babysit weekly? Or boundaries that keep your nuclear family more independent? There's no wrong answer, but you need the same answer.
Question 26: What values and beliefs are most important for us to pass on to our children?
Why it matters: Education, religion, work ethic, kindness, independence—what matters most? Alignment here creates a unified parenting approach.
Topic 4: Family & Children
Why it matters: Children/no children is often non-negotiable. And parenting disagreements are a major source of marital conflict.
Topic 5: Intimacy & Affection
Physical and emotional intimacy are core components of marriage. These questions address a topic many couples avoid—to their detriment.
Question 27: What does intimacy mean to you beyond sex?
Why it matters: Intimacy includes emotional closeness, physical affection, vulnerability, and connection. Understanding your partner's full definition prevents misunderstandings.
Question 28: What are your expectations for our physical relationship in marriage?
Why it matters: Mismatched expectations about frequency, initiation, and variety are common sources of conflict. Honest conversation now prevents hurt later.
Green flag response: Openness, curiosity about your needs, and willingness to discuss without defensiveness.
Question 29: What makes you feel most loved and connected?
Why it matters: This is essentially asking about love languages—but in a more personal, specific way. Does your partner need quality time? Physical touch? Words of affirmation? Acts of service?
Question 30: How do you feel about discussing our intimate life openly and honestly?
Why it matters: Couples who can communicate about intimacy have more satisfying intimate relationships. If your partner shuts down these conversations, that's worth addressing.
Question 31: What role does physical affection (non-sexual) play in your ideal relationship?
Why it matters: Hand-holding, cuddling, hugs, kisses throughout the day—these matter to some people more than others. Know what your partner needs.
Question 32: How will we maintain intimacy through busy seasons, stress, or after having children?
Why it matters: Intimacy often declines when life gets hard. Discussing this now helps you prioritize it later.
Topic 5: Intimacy & Affection
Why it matters: Mismatched expectations about intimacy cause significant pain. Honest conversation now prevents hurt later.
Topic 6: Roles & Responsibilities
Who does what in your marriage? Traditional roles? Equal division? These questions prevent the unspoken assumptions that breed resentment.
Question 33: How do you envision dividing household responsibilities?
Why it matters: Dishes, laundry, cooking, yard work, finances—someone has to do each thing. The question is whether you're both happy with how it's divided.
Question 34: What household tasks do you absolutely hate doing?
Why it matters: If you both hate the same tasks, you'll need a system. If one doesn't mind what the other hates, you've found an easy solution.
Question 35: How do you feel about traditional gender roles in marriage?
Why it matters: Some couples prefer traditional divisions. Others want equal partnership in all areas. Neither is wrong, but you need to agree.
Question 36: How will we handle decision-making as a couple?
Why it matters: Will decisions be made jointly? Will certain areas "belong" to one partner? What happens when you disagree?
Question 37: What does work-life balance look like for each of us?
Why it matters: Workaholism, career ambition, and work-from-home boundaries all affect marriage. Align on what balance means for your family.
Question 38: How do you feel about one partner staying home with children (if applicable)?
Why it matters: This affects finances, identity, and relationship dynamics. Discuss it before it becomes a pressure-filled decision.
Topic 6: Roles & Responsibilities
Why it matters: Unspoken assumptions about who does what breed resentment. Be explicit now.
Topic 7: Family of Origin
Where you came from shapes who you are. These questions help you understand each other's backgrounds—and how they'll affect your marriage.
Question 39: What was your parents' marriage like, and what do you want to replicate or do differently?
Why it matters: We unconsciously recreate our parents' patterns—or swing to the opposite extreme. Self-awareness here is powerful.
Question 40: What's your relationship like with your parents and siblings now?
Why it matters: The quality of these relationships often predicts in-law dynamics and family involvement in your marriage.
Question 41: How much time do you expect us to spend with extended family?
Why it matters: Holidays, weekends, vacations—family time expectations vary dramatically. Get specific.
Question 42: What boundaries do you want to set with our families?
Why it matters: Healthy marriages require appropriate boundaries with extended family. Discuss what information stays private, how often family visits, and how you'll handle intrusive behavior.
Conversation starter: "What would you do if your mom criticized a parenting decision we made?"
Question 43: Is there anything from your childhood that still affects you that I should understand?
Why it matters: Trauma, difficult experiences, and family dysfunction shape how we show up in relationships. Sharing these things builds trust and understanding.
Topic 7: Family of Origin
Why it matters: Where you came from shapes who you are. Understanding each other's backgrounds prevents misunderstandings.
Topic 8: Growth & Change
You're both going to change. These questions address how you'll grow—individually and together—over the course of your marriage.
Question 44: What are your personal goals for the next 10 years?
Why it matters: Career changes? Education? Health transformations? Personal development? Know what your partner is working toward.
Question 45: How do you handle it when your partner grows or changes in ways you didn't expect?
Why it matters: The person you marry won't be exactly the same in 10 years. Flexibility and support for growth keep marriages alive.
Question 46: What does personal space and independence look like in your ideal marriage?
Why it matters: Some people need significant alone time or individual friendships. Others want to do almost everything together. Neither is wrong if you're compatible.
Question 47: How important is continued self-improvement to you?
Why it matters: Partners who are committed to growth—through reading, therapy, learning, or other means—tend to build stronger marriages over time.
Question 48: What's something you want to learn or experience in your lifetime?
Why it matters: Dreams and bucket list items matter. Sharing them creates opportunities to support each other.
Question 49: How will we keep our marriage strong through different life stages?
Why it matters: What works in your 30s may not work in your 50s. Commitment to ongoing intentionality keeps marriages thriving.
Question 50: What would make you seek couples therapy, and how do you feel about it?
Why it matters: Couples who are open to therapy as a tool—not a last resort—tend to have better outcomes when challenges arise.
Green flag response: "I see therapy as a positive resource, not a sign of failure. I'd want us to go if we were struggling to communicate or feeling disconnected."
Topic 8: Growth & Change
Why it matters: You're both going to change. Flexibility and support for growth keep marriages thriving through decades.
What to Do If You Disagree
Some differences are workable. Others may be incompatibilities that require serious consideration before proceeding with marriage.
Non-Negotiables vs. Preferences
Not all questions carry equal weight. Some are about preferences that can flex. Others reveal potential non-negotiables.
🤔 What to Do When You Disagree
✅ Workable Differences
- Different preferences (city vs. suburbs)
- Different approaches (saver vs. spender)
- Different timelines (kids now vs. in 3 years)
- Different styles (tidy vs. relaxed)
What to do: Discuss, compromise, find middle ground. Consider couples counseling for help.
🚩 Potential Dealbreakers
- One wants children, one doesn't
- Fundamentally different religious expectations
- Different definitions of fidelity
- One wants to live near family, other wants distance
What to do: Seek premarital counseling. Consider whether this is truly compatible.
The key question: Can you both be fulfilled if you compromise? Or would compromise leave one person fundamentally unhappy?
When to Seek Premarital Counseling
These questions are a great starting point. But there are times when working with a professional makes sense.
Consider premarital counseling if:
You've discovered significant disagreements you cant resolve on your own
One or both of you has difficulty communicating openly
There's a history of trauma that affects your relationship
You're blending families or navigating complex dynamics
You simply want a strong foundation and professional guidance
Premarital counseling isn't a sign something is wrong. It's an investment in getting things right.
The couples I work with who are struggling? Almost all of them say some version of: 'I wish we'd talked about this before we got married.'
Not because talking would have prevented all conflict. It wouldn't. But because having these conversations early means you know what you're signing up for. You understand each other's expectations. You've worked through the big stuff when the stakes were lower.
These 50 questions aren't about finding out if your partner is 'right' for you. They're about building the understanding and communication patterns that will carry you through the hard seasons of marriage. The wedding is one day. The marriage is everything after.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Bottom Line
Marriage is beautiful. It's also hard work. The couples who thrive aren't the ones who never had problems—they're the ones who learned to talk about them.
These 50 premarital questions aren't meant to be completed in one sitting. Take your time. Return to them. Let them spark deeper conversations than you've had before.
Because the wedding is one day. The marriage is every day after that. And the work you do now—really knowing each other, really understanding what you're building together—that's what makes the difference.
You're not just planning a wedding. You're building a life. Make sure you're building it with someone who wants the same things you do.
📋 Key Takeaways
8 topics predict marital success: Values, Communication, Finances, Children, Intimacy, Roles, Family of Origin, Growth.
Differences aren't dealbreakers—but some are. Know which is which before saying "I do."
Answer for yourself first, then share with your partner. This prevents just agreeing.
Take your time. These 50 questions are meant for weeks of conversation, not one sitting.
Consider premarital counseling if you discover significant disagreements or communication challenges.
The goal is understanding, not perfection. Knowing each other deeply is what builds lasting marriages.
Ready to Build a Strong Foundation?
Our therapists offer premarital counseling to help you start your marriage right. We serve engaged couples in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and throughout Colorado.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in premarital counseling, couples therapy, and relationship education. She has guided hundreds of couples through premarital preparation in Castle Rock and the South Denver metro area. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
How long before the wedding should we start discussing premarital questions?
Ideally, begin these conversations 6-12 months before your wedding. This gives you enough time to work through difficult topics without the pressure of an imminent ceremony. Some couples start even earlier—during serious dating before engagement. The key is having enough time to truly explore differences and, if needed, seek premarital counseling to work through challenges.
What if we discover we disagree on something major?
Discovering a major disagreement before marriage is actually a gift—it's better to know now than struggle with it for years. First, determine if it's truly a non-negotiable (like whether to have children) or something that could be compromised (like where to live). For non-negotiables, consider premarital counseling to explore whether you can find alignment. It's okay to postpone a wedding to work through serious issues. It's also okay to realize that, despite loving each other, you may not be compatible for marriage.
Is premarital counseling necessary, or are these questions enough?
For many couples, thoughtfully working through premarital questions together provides significant benefit. However, premarital counseling adds professional guidance—a therapist can help you navigate difficult conversations, identify patterns you might miss, teach communication skills, and provide a neutral space for sensitive topics. Consider formal counseling if: you discover significant disagreements, you have difficulty communicating openly, either partner has past trauma, or you simply want the strongest possible foundation for your marriage.
What if my partner doesn't want to discuss these questions?
A partner who resists having premarital conversations may be avoiding topics they know will be difficult, may be uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, or may simply not understand why these discussions matter. Try explaining why these conversations are important to you. Start with lighter topics to build comfort. If they continue to refuse meaningful engagement, that itself is important information about their communication style and openness to growth—both of which will matter throughout your marriage.
Should we answer these questions individually first or together?
We recommend answering individually first, then sharing and discussing together. When you answer with your partner present, there's a natural tendency to agree or modify your answers based on their responses. Writing your own answers first ensures you're being fully honest about your true feelings and preferences. Then, comparing notes creates opportunity for genuine discovery and discussion.
What if we've been together for years and already know each other's answers?
Even long-term couples often discover new things through structured premarital questions. You may know your partner's preferences, but have you discussed what happens if circumstances change? For example, you might know they want children, but have you discussed what you'd do if you had difficulty conceiving? Views also evolve over time. These conversations ensure you're current on each other's thinking, not operating on assumptions from years ago.
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