5 Stages of a Relationship: What to Expect in Each Phase
You used to count the hours until you'd see them again. Now you're counting the ways they annoy you.
You used to finish each other's sentences. Now you cant finish a conversation without it turning into an argument.
If this sounds familiar, take a breath. What you're experiencing isn't a sign your relationship is broken. It's a sign your relationship is normal.
Every couple goes through predictable stages of a relationship. The butterflies dont last forever. The conflicts aren't a sign you picked the wrong person. And the deep, steady love that long-term couples describe? That comes later, after you've done the work.
The problem is, nobody teaches us this. Movies end at the wedding. Love songs stop at "I do." We're sold a fantasy that real love means feeling in love all the time. So when the feelings change, we panic.
I'm Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at South Denver Therapy. I've worked with hundreds of couples who came to me in crisis, convinced their relationship was failing. Most of the time, they weren't failing at all. They were just in a stage they didn't understand.
This guide will walk you through the 5 stages of a relationship that researchers and therapists have identified. You'll learn what each stage feels like, how long it typically lasts, what challenges to expect, and most importantly, what to actually do to move through each stage successfully.
The 5 Stages of a Relationship
Every couple moves through these phases. Where are you?
Romance
0-2 years
Power Struggle
1-3 years
Stability
2-5 years
Commitment
3-7 years
Wholehearted Love
5+ years
Most couples seek therapy during Stage 2. Understanding the stages helps you know what's normal—and what needs attention.
Quick Answer: What Are the 5 Stages of a Relationship?
1. Romance Stage (0-2 years): Intense attraction, idealization, "cant get enough of you"
2. Power Struggle Stage (1-3 years): Conflict, disillusionment, "who IS this person?"
3. Stability Stage (2-5 years): Acceptance, realistic love, "we're different and that's okay"
4. Commitment Stage (3-7 years): Conscious choice, deep trust, "I choose you"
5. Wholehearted Love (5+ years): Co-creation, partnership, "we're better together"
These stages were identified by psychologist Dr. Susan Campbell through research on hundreds of couples. Timelines vary—some couples move faster, others get stuck.
The Research Behind the 5 Stages of a Relationship
The concept of relationship stages isn't just pop psychology. It comes from decades of research on how couples evolve over time.
Psychologist Dr. Susan Campbell studied hundreds of couples and identified five distinct phases that most relationships move through. Her model has been validated by other researchers and is used by couples therapists worldwide.
The Gottman Institute, which has studied over 3,000 couples since the 1970s, has found similar patterns. Their research shows that how couples navigate each stage, especially the conflict stage, predicts whether they'll stay together with 91% accuracy.
Here's what the research tells us:
The romance stage typically lasts 6 months to 2 years before brain chemistry changes
The power struggle stage is where most divorces happen (around the 3-4 year mark)
Couples who make it to stability report higher satisfaction than the honeymoon phase
Only about 5% of couples reach the final stage of wholehearted love
The good news? Understanding these stages helps you navigate them. When you know what's coming, you're less likely to panic when feelings change. You can prepare for challenges instead of being blindsided by them.
📍 Which Stage Is Your Relationship In?
Check the statements that feel most true right now
💕 ROMANCE STAGE
☐ I think about them constantly when we're apart
☐ Everything about them seems perfect or almost perfect
☐ I cant imagine anything they do really bothering me
☐ I feel like I've finally found "the one"
⚡ POWER STRUGGLE STAGE
☐ We argue about the same things over and over
☐ I often feel disappointed or frustrated with them
☐ I wonder if I made the wrong choice
☐ I wish they would just change this one thing
⚖️ STABILITY STAGE
☐ I've accepted that they're not going to change certain things
☐ Our conflicts feel less intense than they used to
☐ I appreciate them more realistically now
☐ We've figured out how to disagree without destroying each other
🤝 COMMITMENT STAGE
☐ I choose this person knowing all their flaws
☐ I feel genuinely safe with them
☐ We function well as a team
☐ I trust them deeply with my heart and my life
💚 WHOLEHEARTED LOVE
☐ We're building something meaningful together
☐ Our relationship feels like a source of strength
☐ I feel fully seen and accepted for who I am
☐ We support each other's individual growth
The stage with the most checked boxes is likely where you are now. It's normal to have some overlap between stages.
Stage 1: The Romance Stage (The "Drug" Phase)
Timeline: Typically 6 months to 2 years
What it feels like: Everything is magical. You cant stop thinking about them. You stay up late talking, and the hours fly by. You notice all the ways you're similar and minimize your differences. They seem almost perfect.
This is the stage we see in movies. The butterflies. The electric attraction. The sense that you've finally found your person.
This is actually a great time to pay attention to green flags in your relationship—the positive signs that show you're building something real, not just riding a temporary high.
The Brain Science Behind the Romance Stage
Here's something wild: falling in love literally changes your brain chemistry.
When you're in the romance stage, your brain floods with dopamine (the pleasure chemical), oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and norepinephrine (which creates that racing heart). These are the same chemicals involved in addiction. You're essentially high on your partner.
This chemical cocktail serves an evolutionary purpose. It bonds you to another person long enough to reproduce and raise offspring. Nature doesn't care if you're compatible long-term. It just wants you attached long enough to continue the species.
The romance stage also triggers a temporary reduction in serotonin, similar to what happens in people with OCD. This explains the obsessive thinking, the constant checking of your phone, the inability to focus on anything else.
What to Expect in the Romance Stage
Idealization: You see your partner through rose-colored glasses. Their quirks are endearing, not annoying.
High physical attraction: You cant keep your hands off each other.
Similarity focus: You notice everything you have in common.
Best behavior: Both of you are on your best behavior, showing your most polished selves.
Future fantasizing: You imagine your life together, often unrealistically.
The Trap of the Romance Stage
The danger here isn't the good feelings. It's the dishonesty.
Because everything feels so good, you might:
Avoid difficult conversations that could "ruin the mood"
Hide parts of yourself you think they wouldn't like
Ignore red flags in the relationship because you dont want them to be true
Make major commitments (moving in, getting engaged) while still in the "drugged" state
Many couples get married during the romance stage and then feel blindsided when it ends. They thought the constant butterflies were what love was supposed to feel like forever.
What to DO in the Romance Stage
1. Enjoy it. This stage is beautiful. Soak it in. Take pictures. Write down how you feel. You'll want these memories later.
2. Stay grounded. Remind yourself that these intense feelings will change, and that's okay. Different doesn't mean worse.
3. Have the hard conversations anyway. While it feels risky to bring up potentially difficult topics, this is actually the best time to discuss deal-breakers. Do you both want kids? How do you handle money? What are your non-negotiables?
4. Keep your own life. Don't disappear into the relationship. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, and identity. You'll need them later.
5. Watch for warning signs. Love bombing, jealousy, possessiveness, or pushing too fast are red flags, even when they feel flattering.
Stage 1: Romance
The Honeymoon Phase • 6 months - 2 years
Stage 2: The Power Struggle Stage (The "Wake-Up Call")
Timeline: Typically 1-3 years (can last much longer if couples get stuck)
What it feels like: The rose-colored glasses come off. You notice their flaws, and they seem huge. Things that were "quirky" now feel irritating. You argue more. You wonder if you made a mistake.
This is the stage where most relationships end. The highest percentage of divorces happen around the 3-4 year mark, right in the middle of the power struggle stage.
The power struggle stage is where most common marriage problems first show up. The fights about dishes, money, and in-laws? They usually start here.
Most couples come to therapy during the power struggle stage, convinced their relationship is failing. What I often tell them is: you're not failing, you're right on schedule. The problem isn't that you're fighting. It's that you never learned how to fight well.
The couples who make it to wholehearted love aren't the ones who avoid conflict. They're the ones who learned to repair after conflict. They stopped trying to change each other and started trying to understand each other. That shift changes everything.
If you're in the power struggle right now, I want you to know: this is survivable. This is where real love gets built. But you might need help, and there's no shame in that. Most of us were never taught how to do this well.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Why the Power Struggle Stage Happens
Remember those love drugs flooding your brain? They don’t last. Typically within 6 months to 2 years, your brain chemistry returns to normal. You "wake up" and see your partner clearly for the first time.
What you discover is startling: you've been in a relationship with a stranger.
The person you thought was just like you? They're actually quite different. The person who seemed perfect? They have flaws, wounds, and annoying habits you never noticed before.
Dr. John Gottman calls this stage the time of "negative sentiment override." Instead of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, you start assuming the worst. A neutral comment becomes an attack. A forgotten errand becomes proof they dont care.
Sometimes the conflict in Stage 2 isn't really about your partner—it's about old wounds getting triggered. Inner child work can help you understand where your reactions are actually coming from.
The Real Purpose of the Power Struggle
Here's what most people miss: the power struggle stage isn't a sign something is wrong. It's supposed to happen.
This stage serves a purpose. It forces you to:
See your partner as a real, flawed human being
Develop conflict resolution skills
Establish boundaries and communicate needs
Decide if you're truly compatible, not just infatuated
The power struggle is where you learn to love a real person instead of a fantasy. That's hard work. But it's the only path to lasting love.
Common Conflicts in the Power Struggle Stage
Nearly every couple argues about the same core issues:
Money: How to spend it, save it, whose is whose
Sex: How much, what kind, mismatched desire
Household responsibilities: Who does what, what's "fair"
Family: In-laws, parenting styles, holiday obligations
Time: Work-life balance, quality time together, independent time
Control: Who makes decisions, whose needs come first
These aren't random topics. They touch on core values, expectations, and unmet needs. They reveal the differences you glossed over during the romance stage.
This is when setting healthy boundaries becomes really important. Without them, small frustrations turn into big resentments.
The Most Common Power Struggle Pattern
The Pursuer
Wants to talk about problems now
Feels abandoned when partner withdraws
May become critical or demanding
Fears disconnection and rejection
Inner need: "I need to know you're still here"
The Withdrawer
Needs space to process emotions
Feels overwhelmed by conflict
May shut down or become distant
Fears criticism and failure
Inner need: "I need to feel safe and calm"
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. Breaking this cycle is the key to getting through Stage 2.
How Couples Get Stuck in the Power Struggle
Many couples stay in the power struggle stage for years, sometimes decades. They never learn to resolve conflicts, so they keep having the same arguments over and over.
Signs you're stuck in the power struggle:
You've been arguing about the same issues for years without resolution
Conversations quickly escalate into fights
One or both of you have emotionally checked out
You've thought about leaving but haven't
You feel more like roommates or adversaries than partners
Physical intimacy has significantly decreased
How you handle conflict in Stage 2 often depends on your attachment style. Someone with an anxious attachment might chase their partner for reassurance, while someone avoidant might shut down completely.
Getting stuck happens when couples either:
Fight to win instead of fighting to understand
Avoid conflict entirely and let resentment build
Refuse to compromise on core issues
Keep trying to change the other person instead of accepting them
What to DO in the Power Struggle Stage
1. Stop trying to win. In relationships, if one person wins, both people lose. Your goal isn't to be right. It's to understand each other and find solutions that work for both of you.
2. Learn to fight fair. No name-calling, no bringing up old issues, no stonewalling. Take breaks when things get heated, but always come back to resolve the issue.
3. Understand the pattern. Are you the pursuer or the withdrawer? Knowing your role helps you break the cycle.
4. Look underneath the conflict. Most fights aren't really about dishes or money. They're about feeling unloved, unappreciated, or disrespected. Find the deeper need. Our feelings list and emotions guide can help you identify and express what's actually going on inside.
5. Accept what you cant change. Research shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they'll never be fully resolved. The goal isn't to eliminate differences but to learn to live with them lovingly.
6. Consider couples therapy. This is the stage where professional help makes the biggest difference. A skilled therapist can help you break destructive patterns and learn new ways to communicate.
Stage 2: Power Struggle
The Conflict Phase • 1-3+ years
⚠️ Most divorces happen in this stage. Professional support here changes everything.
Stage 3: The Stability Stage (The "Real Love" Phase)
Timeline: Typically 2-5 years
What it feels like: The intensity of the power struggle begins to fade. You've either learned to navigate your differences or accepted that some things wont change. There's a sense of peace, even if it's not as exciting as the romance stage.
This is the stage where real love begins. Not the drugged, idealized love of Stage 1. Not the disappointed, frustrated non-love of Stage 2. Actual love for a real person with real flaws.
What Happens in the Stability Stage
You've stopped trying to change your partner. You've accepted that they load the dishwasher wrong, forget important dates, or have different needs for alone time than you do.
This acceptance isn't resignation. It's maturity. You've learned that loving someone doesn't mean agreeing with everything they do or wanting them to be different.
In the stability stage:
Conflicts still happen but don't escalate as quickly
You've developed ways to repair after arguments
You appreciate your partner more realistically
You feel safe, even if less excited
You've established patterns that work for both of you
The Trap of the Stability Stage
The danger here is confusing peace with distance.
Some couples achieve "stability" by emotionally disconnecting. They stop fighting because they've stopped caring. They live parallel lives under the same roof, more like roommates than partners.
This isn't healthy stability. It's avoidance.
True stability maintains emotional connection. You're not just coexisting. You're still turning toward each other, sharing your lives, maintaining intimacy.
It's also worth checking that you haven't settled into unhealthy patterns. Some couples mistake codependency for closeness during this stage—losing themselves in the relationship rather than growing together.
Another trap is boredom. After the drama of the power struggle, stability can feel... flat. Some people miss the intensity and unconsciously create conflict to feel something again.
What to DO in the Stability Stage
1. Don't mistake calm for distance. Check in with yourself: Are you at peace, or have you just given up? True stability feels warm, not cold.
2. Keep dating each other. Just because the crisis has passed doesn't mean you can stop investing in the relationship. Continue making time for connection.
3. Maintain physical intimacy. This is often when sex declines. Make it a priority, even when it doesn't feel urgent.
4. Celebrate what you've built. You've survived the power struggle. That's an achievement. Acknowledge how far you've come.
5. Watch for complacency. The relationship still needs attention. Don't assume stability means you can stop trying.
Stage 3: Stability
The Acceptance Phase • 2-5 years
Stage 4: The Commitment Stage (The "I Choose You" Phase)
Timeline: Typically 3-7 years
What it feels like: You look at your partner and consciously choose them, knowing everything you know. Not the fantasy version from Stage 1. The real person, flaws and all.
This stage is about more than staying together. It's about wholehearted, eyes-wide-open dedication to this person and this relationship.
The Difference Between Commitment and Marriage
Many people confuse commitment with marriage. They're not the same thing.
You can be married and not committed (staying for the kids, for finances, out of fear). You can be committed and not married (choosing each other every day without a legal contract).
True commitment in Stage 4 means:
"I dont need you. I choose you."
"I see all of you, and I'm still here."
"I'm not looking for something better."
"Your wellbeing matters as much as my own."
This is the stage where couples are actually ready for marriage, if they want it. Not during the drugged romance stage. Not during the conflicted power struggle. Here, with clear eyes and full hearts.
If you're in Stage 4 and considering marriage, now's the time to have the hard conversations. We recommend working through these 50 questions to ask before marriage to make sure you're truly aligned on the things that matter.
What to DO in the Commitment Stage
1. Make it explicit. Talk about your commitment. Verbal affirmation matters, even after years together.
2. Protect the relationship. Set boundaries with people and situations that could threaten your bond.
3. Continue growing individually. Commitment doesn't mean losing yourself. Support each other's personal development.
4. Plan your future together. What do you want your life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years? Dream together.
5. Don't take it for granted. Commitment isn't a destination. It's a daily choice that requires ongoing effort.
Stage 5: Wholehearted Love (The "Co-Creation" Phase)
Timeline: Typically 5+ years
What it feels like: Your relationship becomes a source of strength for both of you. You're not just surviving together—you're building something meaningful. You support each other's individual growth while creating a shared vision for your life.
Only about 5% of couples reach this stage. It requires successfully navigating all the previous stages and continuing to do the work of connection and growth.
What Wholehearted Love Looks Like
In this stage:
You feel fully seen and accepted for who you are
Your relationship energizes rather than drains you
You've developed deep trust and respect
You can be completely honest with each other
You support each other's dreams, even when they're separate from the relationship
You face challenges as a united team
You create something together—whether that's a family, a project, a community contribution, or simply a beautiful life
This isn't the absence of problems. Couples in Stage 5 still have conflicts, disappointments, and hard seasons. The difference is they have the tools to navigate them and the foundation of trust to weather any storm.
The Work Never Stops
Even in wholehearted love, the work continues. Relationships are living things. They need ongoing attention, care, and intentional investment.
Couples who stay in this stage:
Continue prioritizing connection
Keep communicating openly
Adapt to life changes together
Don't assume they've "arrived"
Remain curious about each other
Couples in Stage 5 often become students of relationships—always learning and growing together. If you're looking for ways to keep deepening your connection, check out our list of relationship books recommended by therapists.
The Later Stages: Deep Partnership
Stage 4: Commitment
Timeline: 3-7 years
Feels like: "I see all of you and I choose you"
Key marker: You dont need them, you want them
Your task: Make commitment explicit and protect it
Stage 5: Wholehearted Love
Timeline: 5+ years
Feels like: Partnership, co-creation, deep trust
Key marker: Relationship is a source of strength
Your task: Keep growing together, never stop trying
Only ~5% of couples reach Stage 5. It requires navigating all previous stages and continuing to invest in connection.
The Stages Aren't Linear: What Happens When Life Disrupts Your Progress
Here's something the simple stage models don't tell you: relationship stages aren't strictly linear. You can cycle back through earlier stages, especially during major life changes.
Events that can push couples back into earlier stages:
Having a baby can trigger a new power struggle about parenting, roles, and time
Job loss or financial stress can create conflict patterns you thought you'd resolved
Infidelity or betrayal drops you back into crisis, regardless of what stage you were in
Major illness requires renegotiating roles and expectations
Empty nest can reveal that you've grown apart
Retirement forces couples to restructure their entire relationship
This doesn't mean you've failed. It means you're human, and life is complicated.
The good news? If you've successfully navigated a stage before, you have the tools to do it again. The second trip through the power struggle is usually shorter than the first, because you know what you're dealing with.
⚠️ Life Events That Can Reset Your Stage
Major transitions often push couples back into the Power Struggle
Cycling back doesn't mean failure. It means life happened. You'll navigate it faster the second time.
When to Seek Couples Therapy
Each stage of a relationship has moments where professional support can help. But some situations signal that therapy isn't just helpful—it's necessary.
Consider couples therapy if:
You've been stuck in the power struggle for more than a year
The same arguments happen without resolution
One or both of you has emotionally disconnected
There's been infidelity or a major betrayal
You're considering separation or divorce
Communication has broken down completely
Physical intimacy has disappeared
One partner refuses to address the problems
At South Denver Therapy, we specialize in helping couples navigate every stage of their relationship. Whether you're stuck in the power struggle, trying to rebuild after betrayal, or wanting to strengthen an already good relationship, we can help.
🚩 Warning Signs You're Stuck
Stuck in Romance Stage
You've been together for years but still avoid difficult conversations. You panic at any sign of conflict. You're terrified of seeing their flaws or showing your own.
Stuck in Power Struggle
Same arguments for years. No resolution, just repetition. One or both of you have emotionally checked out. You feel more like adversaries than partners. Considering leaving.
Stuck in Stability (False Stability)
Peace that feels more like distance. Living parallel lives. No fighting but also no connection. Physical intimacy is rare or nonexistent. You're roommates, not partners.
Stuck Before Commitment
Years together but one or both partners keep one foot out the door. Wont fully commit. Still wondering if something better is out there. Fear of "settling."
If any of these sound familiar, it may be time for couples therapy.
The Bottom Line: Every Stage Is Survivable
Here's what I want you to take away from this guide:
The stages of a relationship are normal. What you're experiencing—whether it's fading butterflies, increased conflict, or wondering if you made the right choice—is part of a predictable pattern that nearly every couple goes through.
The romance stage isn't supposed to last forever. When it ends, that doesn't mean love is over. It means a different, deeper kind of love is possible.
The power struggle is where most couples need help. Getting stuck here is common, and getting professional support is smart, not a sign of failure.
Wholehearted love is possible. The couples who reach it aren't special or lucky. They're the ones who did the work, learned to fight fair, and kept choosing each other even when it was hard.
Not every relationship is meant to last, and that's okay. If you're questioning whether your relationship can be saved, our guide on when to end a relationship can help you think through that decision with clarity.
Wherever you are in the stages of your relationship, know this: you can move forward. The path exists. You just might need a guide to help you find it.
📋 Key Takeaways
5 stages: Romance → Power Struggle → Stability → Commitment → Wholehearted Love
Romance doesn't last because your brain chemistry changes. That's biology, not failure.
Most divorces happen in the Power Struggle stage (years 3-4). Getting help here changes outcomes.
Stages aren't linear. Life events can push you back. That's normal, not failure.
Only ~5% reach Stage 5, but it's achievable with consistent effort and the right tools.
Couples therapy is most effective during the Power Struggle—don't wait until you're ready to leave.
Stuck in a Stage? We Can Help.
Whether you're in the power struggle, rebuilding after crisis, or wanting to deepen your connection, our couples therapists can guide you to the next stage. We serve Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and all of Colorado.
Related Articles in This Series
25 Red Flags in Relationships You Should Never Ignore
Warning signs therapists recognize in unhealthy relationships
20 Green Flags in Relationships: Signs of a Healthy Partner
Positive signs therapists look for in secure partnerships
50 Premarital Questions Every Couple Should Ask
Questions to discuss before committing to marriage
When to End a Relationship: 12 Signs It's Time to Walk Away
A therapist explains how to make this painful decision
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does each stage of a relationship last?
The Romance Stage typically lasts 6 months to 2 years. The Power Struggle Stage can last 1-3 years, though some couples stay stuck here much longer. The Stability Stage usually spans 2-5 years. The Commitment and Wholehearted Love stages can last the rest of your lives. However, these timelines vary significantly—some couples move through stages faster, while others get stuck. Major life events can also push couples back into earlier stages.
Is it normal to fight more after the honeymoon phase?
Yes, this is completely normal. The Power Struggle Stage, which follows the honeymoon phase, is characterized by increased conflict as couples begin to see each other's flaws and try to navigate their differences. The brain chemicals that kept you infatuated wear off, and you start seeing your partner more realistically. This isn't a sign your relationship is failing—it's a sign you're entering the stage where real love gets built. The key is learning to fight fairly and repair after conflicts.
Can you go back to the honeymoon phase?
You cant recreate the exact brain chemistry of early infatuation—those specific neurochemical reactions are designed to bond you initially and naturally fade. However, you can create "mini honeymoon" experiences through novelty, adventure, and intentional romance. More importantly, couples who reach the later stages often report deeper satisfaction than the honeymoon phase because the love is based on truly knowing someone, not an idealized fantasy. The goal isn't to go back—it's to build something better.
How do I know if my relationship is healthy or just comfortable?
Healthy stability feels warm—you have peace AND connection. Unhealthy comfort feels cold—you have peace through emotional distance. Ask yourself: Do we still turn toward each other? Do we share our lives, not just our living space? Is there physical intimacy? Do we have meaningful conversations? Can we be vulnerable with each other? If the answer to most of these is no, you may have achieved "false stability" by disconnecting rather than truly resolving your differences.
When should couples seek therapy?
The ideal time is during the Power Struggle Stage, before patterns become deeply entrenched. Seek therapy if: you've been having the same arguments for months without resolution, one or both of you has emotionally disconnected, you're considering separation, there's been infidelity or betrayal, communication has broken down, or physical intimacy has disappeared. Don't wait until you're ready to leave—couples therapy is most effective when both partners still want to make it work.
What if my partner and I are in different stages?
It's common for partners to experience stages slightly differently. One might feel ready for commitment while the other is still working through power struggle issues. This mismatch can create tension but isn't necessarily a dealbreaker. Communication is key—talk openly about where you each feel you are and what you need. Sometimes the "behind" partner needs more time, more reassurance, or more evidence of change. A couples therapist can help you understand and bridge these differences.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in couples therapy and relationship issues. She has helped hundreds of couples in Castle Rock, Parker, and Highlands Ranch navigate every stage of their relationships. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy.
Learn more about Kayla →