25 Red Flags in Relationships You Should Never Ignore
Understanding Relationship Warning Signs
Yellow Flag
Caution. Worth a conversation.
Orange Flag
Serious concern. Set boundaries.
Red Flag
Major warning. Seek support.
Black Flag
Crisis. Prioritize safety now.
This guide categorizes 25 red flags by severity to help you know how to respond.
Your gut is telling you something is off. Maybe it's the way they got angry over nothing. Maybe it's how they always turn things around to be your fault. Maybe it's that feeling you get when you're about to share good news and you hesitate because you're not sure how they'll react.
That hesitation? That's your body telling you something your mind hasn't caught up to yet.
Red flags in relationships are warning signs that something isn't healthy. Some are obvious, like a partner who screams at you. Others are subtle, like a partner who makes you feel crazy for having feelings. Both matter.
I'm Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at South Denver Therapy. I've worked with hundreds of individuals and couples across Colorado. Some came to me in the early stages of dating, feeling confused about behaviors they couldn't quite name. Others came after years of marriage, finally ready to admit that what they'd been tolerating wasn't normal.
This guide will help you recognize red flags early, understand why they matter, and know what to do when you spot them. Because the earlier you see the warning signs, the more options you have.
What Is a Red Flag in a Relationship?
A red flag is a pattern of behavior that signals potential danger to your emotional, psychological, or physical wellbeing. It's not the same as a normal disagreement or a partner having a bad day. Red flags are consistent patterns that indicate someone may not be capable of—or interested in—a healthy relationship with you.
🚩 Red Flag vs. Normal Behavior
🚩 RED FLAG
"You cant see your friends without me."
✓ NORMAL
"I'd love to meet your friends sometime."
🚩 RED FLAG
"You're too sensitive. That didn't happen."
✓ NORMAL
"I see it differently, but I want to understand how you felt."
🚩 RED FLAG
"I need to know where you are at all times."
✓ NORMAL
"Text me when you get there so I know you're safe."
🚩 RED FLAG
"All my exes were crazy."
✓ NORMAL
"My last relationship ended because we wanted different things."
The key word is pattern. Everyone has moments of selfishness, irritability, or poor communication. Red flags appear when these behaviors become consistent, when your partner shows no interest in changing, or when the behavior causes ongoing harm.
The 4 Levels of Relationship Warning Signs
Not all red flags are equally serious. Therapists often think about warning signs on a spectrum from caution signals to crisis indicators.
Yellow Flag: Proceed with Caution
Single incidents or minor patterns that deserve attention. Have a conversation, observe if it changes.
Orange Flag: Serious Concern
Repeated patterns that indicate deeper issues. Set firm boundaries and monitor closely.
Red Flag: Major Warning Sign
Behaviors that indicate emotional abuse or serious dysfunction. Seek outside support and consider your options.
Black Flag: Crisis Level
Physical violence, threats, or dangerous behavior. Prioritize your safety immediately. Contact resources.
Understanding the severity helps you know how to respond. A yellow flag might just need a conversation. A black flag means you need to prioritize your safety immediately.
Control Red Flags
The most dangerous red flags often involve control. Controlling partners don't start by telling you what to wear. They start by making you feel like their opinion is the only one that matters.
1. They Monitor Your Phone, Location, or Social Media
Wanting to know where you are every minute, demanding your passwords, or checking your messages without permission isn't love. It's surveillance.
What it sounds like:
"If you have nothing to hide, why cant I see your phone?"
"I just want to know where you are because I worry about you."
"Who's that texting you? Let me see."
Why it matters: This behavior escalates. What starts as "just checking" becomes constant monitoring. Partners who need to track your every move are displaying insecurity that won't be satisfied no matter how much access you give them.
Severity: Red Flag
2. They Isolate You from Friends and Family
Isolation rarely happens overnight. It starts with criticizing the people you love, creating conflict that makes seeing them uncomfortable, or monopolizing your time until you "naturally" drift away from others.
What it sounds like:
"Your sister is a bad influence on you."
"I don't like how your friends treat me. Maybe we should just stay in tonight."
"You're always choosing them over me."
Why it matters: Isolation is a deliberate strategy. When you're cut off from your support system, you become more dependent on your partner and less likely to leave even when things get bad.
Severity: Red Flag
3. They Control Money or Finances
Financial control takes many forms: refusing to let you work, controlling all the money even if you earn it, making you ask for money for basic needs, or hiding financial information from you.
What it sounds like:
"You don't need to work. I'll take care of everything."
"Why do you need your own credit card?"
"I handle the money because you're not good with it."
Why it matters: Financial control traps people in relationships. When you have no access to money, leaving feels impossible.
Severity: Red Flag
4. They Make All the Decisions Without Input
In healthy relationships, both partners have a voice in decisions that affect them. In controlling relationships, one person decides everything—from what you eat for dinner to major life choices—and dismisses your input as unimportant.
What it sounds like:
"I know what's best for us."
"You'd just mess it up if I let you decide."
"Don't worry about it. I've got it handled."
Why it matters: This dynamic trains you to stop trusting your own judgment. Over time, you may start believing you really cant make good decisions without them.
Severity: Orange Flag (becomes Red with escalation)
Control Red Flags
The most dangerous pattern in abusive relationships
Key insight: Control rarely starts big. It escalates gradually, testing how much you'll accept.
Communication Red Flags
How your partner communicates during conflict reveals who they really are. Pay attention to what happens when things get hard.
5. They Stonewall or Give the Silent Treatment
Stonewalling means shutting down completely during conflict—refusing to talk, leaving the room, or giving you the silent treatment for hours or days. While everyone needs a break sometimes, using silence as punishment is emotionally abusive.
What it sounds like:
Complete silence when you try to talk about problems
Walking away and refusing to return to the conversation
Ignoring you for days after a disagreement
Why it matters: The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation. It leaves issues unresolved while punishing you for having needs.
Severity: Orange Flag
6. They Dismiss or Minimize Your Feelings
When you express that something hurt you and your partner responds by telling you that you're overreacting, being too sensitive, or making a big deal out of nothing, they're dismissing your emotional reality.
What it sounds like:
"You're so dramatic."
"I was just joking. You're too sensitive."
"That's not how it happened. You're remembering it wrong."
Why it matters: Over time, dismissal teaches you to stop trusting your own perceptions. You start wondering if maybe you really are too sensitive, which makes you more tolerant of increasingly bad behavior.
Severity: Orange Flag
7. They Use Contempt: Eye-Rolling, Mocking, Sarcasm
Dr. John Gottman's research at the Gottman Institute identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is communication from a position of superiority—treating your partner as beneath you.
What it sounds like:
"Oh please, you wouldn't understand."
Mocking your voice or mannerisms
Eye-rolling when you speak
Why it matters: Contempt destroys connection. You cant feel loved by someone who looks down on you.
Severity: Red Flag
8. They Never Take Responsibility
Healthy partners can say "I was wrong" and mean it. Unhealthy partners always have an excuse, always blame someone else, or turn every conversation about their behavior into a conversation about what you did wrong.
What it sounds like:
"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't..."
"You made me act that way."
"I'm sorry you feel that way" (instead of "I'm sorry I hurt you")
Why it matters: Relationships cant improve if one person refuses to acknowledge their role in problems. You'll exhaust yourself trying to fix things alone.
Severity: Red Flag
Control Red Flags
The most dangerous pattern in abusive relationships
Key insight: Control rarely starts big. It escalates gradually, testing how much you'll accept.
Emotional Red Flags
Emotional red flags are often the hardest to identify because they can feel like love, especially in the beginning.
9. Love Bombing: Overwhelming Affection Too Fast
Love bombing is intense attention, affection, and adoration that feels amazing but moves way too fast. Constant texts, expensive gifts early on, declarations of love within weeks, and pressure to commit quickly are all signs.
What it sounds like:
"I've never felt this way about anyone." (on the second date)
"You're my soulmate. I knew it the moment I saw you."
"Let's move in together. Why wait when we know it's right?"
Why it matters: Love bombing creates an artificial sense of intimacy that bypasses the normal process of getting to know someone. It often precedes controlling behavior once you're emotionally invested.
Severity: Orange Flag
10. Gaslighting: Making You Question Your Reality
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where your partner denies things that happened, rewrites history, or makes you feel crazy for having accurate perceptions.
What it sounds like:
"That never happened. You're imagining things."
"I never said that. You have a terrible memory."
"Everyone agrees with me that you're being unreasonable."
Why it matters: Gaslighting erodes your trust in yourself. Over time, you may stop believing your own experiences, which makes you easier to manipulate.
Severity: Red Flag
11. They're Hot and Cold: Intermittent Reinforcement
One day they're loving and attentive. The next day they're cold and distant. This unpredictability keeps you constantly off-balance, working harder to earn their approval.
What it sounds like:
Periods of intense connection followed by sudden withdrawal
No explanation for mood shifts
You feel like you're walking on eggshells
Why it matters: This pattern creates a trauma bond. The unpredictability triggers your nervous system to become hypervigilant and obsessed with figuring out what you did wrong.
Severity: Orange Flag
12. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness
Some jealousy is normal. Accusing you of cheating without evidence, getting angry when you talk to anyone of the opposite sex, or treating your friendships as threats is not.
What it sounds like:
"Who were you talking to? Why were they smiling at you?"
"I don't want you seeing your ex's posts on social media."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't need other friends."
Why it matters: Extreme jealousy isn't flattering—it's a sign of insecurity that you cant fix, no matter how much you reassure them.
Severity: Red Flag
13. They Play the Victim in Every Situation
Nothing is ever their fault. Every ex was "crazy." Every boss was unfair. Every problem in their life is because of someone else. They never take ownership of their role in anything.
What it sounds like:
"All my exes were psycho."
"People always take advantage of me."
"You don't know what I've been through."
Why it matters: Eventually, you'll become the villain in their story too. If everyone in their life has wronged them, you will eventually join that list.
Severity: Orange Flag
Emotional Red Flags
Often disguised as intense love early on
Key insight: These flags are hardest to spot because they can feel like love.
Early Dating Red Flags
Some red flags are most visible—and most important to catch—in the early stages of dating, before you're emotionally invested.
14. They Push Physical Boundaries
A partner who respects you will respect your physical boundaries. Someone who pressures you, guilt-trips you, or "accidentally" pushes past limits you've set is showing you that their desires matter more than your comfort.
What it sounds like:
"If you really loved me, you would..."
"Just this once. I promise I'll stop if you don't like it."
Continuing to touch you after you've said no or moved away
Why it matters: How someone treats your physical boundaries early on predicts how they'll treat all your boundaries later.
Severity: Red Flag
15. They Badmouth All Their Exes
It's one thing to acknowledge that past relationships ended badly. It's another to have a long list of "crazy" exes with zero self-awareness about any role they played.
What it sounds like:
"She was completely insane. I'm lucky I got out."
"All my exes have cheated on me."
"My last relationship failed because she was too needy."
Why it matters: The common denominator in all their failed relationships is them. And someday, they'll be telling someone else how crazy you were.
Severity: Yellow Flag
16. They Rush the Relationship Timeline
Wanting to meet your family after two dates. Bringing up marriage in the first month. Pressuring you to move in together before you're ready. Healthy relationships develop at a pace that feels comfortable for both people.
What it sounds like:
"I know we just met, but I can see a future with you."
"Why wait? When you know, you know."
Getting upset when you want to slow down
Why it matters: Rushing creates artificial commitment before you've had time to see who they really are. Manipulative people rush because they know their mask will slip eventually.
Severity: Orange Flag
17. They're Rude to Service Workers
How someone treats waiters, baristas, or customer service workers reveals their character. If they're charming to you but dismissive or rude to "less important" people, that's who they really are.
What it sounds like:
Snapping at servers or being overly demanding
Not saying please and thank you
Complaining excessively to get free things
Why it matters: Politeness is a choice. If they only choose it for people they want something from, their kindness to you is strategic, not genuine.
Severity: Yellow Flag
18. Their Words and Actions Don't Match
They say they want a serious relationship but never make plans more than a day in advance. They say they care about you but consistently cancel or forget important things. Actions reveal priorities.
What it sounds like:
"I'll call you tomorrow" (then doesn't)
"Of course you're important to me" (but they're never available)
Lots of promises, minimal follow-through
Why it matters: Believe actions, not words. Consistent inconsistency is a choice.
Severity: Orange Flag
Early Dating Red Flags
Catch these before you're emotionally invested
Key insight: The first 3 months reveal 90% of what you need to know.
Serious Red Flags That Require Immediate Attention
Some red flags aren't just warning signs—they're emergency signals. If you're experiencing any of these, please seek help immediately.
19. Any Form of Physical Violence
Pushing, shoving, grabbing, hitting, throwing things at you, or blocking you from leaving a room are all physical abuse. It doesn't matter if they say they're sorry afterward. It doesn't matter if it only happened once.
Why it matters: Physical violence almost always escalates. The first incident is rarely the last, and the severity typically increases over time.
Severity: Black Flag — If you're experiencing physical violence, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
20. Threats of Any Kind
Threatening to hurt you, hurt themselves if you leave, hurt your pets, damage your property, or share intimate images of you are all forms of abuse, even if they never follow through.
What it sounds like:
"If you leave me, I'll..."
"You're making me want to hurt myself."
"I'll tell everyone about..."
Why it matters: Threats are designed to control you through fear. They indicate a willingness to harm you if they dont get what they want.
Severity: Black Flag
21. Destroying Your Property or Hurting Pets
Punching walls, breaking your belongings, or harming animals are forms of violence even if they're not directed at your body. This behavior is meant to frighten you and demonstrate what they're capable of.
Why it matters: Violence against objects and animals often precedes violence against people. This is a warning of what's to come.
Severity: Black Flag
22. Sexual Coercion or Assault
Pressuring you into sexual acts you don't want, continuing after you say stop, or having sex with you when you're unable to consent (intoxicated, asleep) is abuse, even within a relationship.
Why it matters: Consent matters in every interaction, including with romantic partners. Someone who ignores your "no" in the bedroom will ignore it elsewhere too.
Severity: Black Flag
If You're Experiencing Black Flag Behaviors
Physical violence, threats, and sexual coercion are never acceptable. You dont have to figure this out alone. These resources are free, confidential, and available 24/7.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 • thehotline.org
RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673 • rainn.org
Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741
You deserve to be safe. Reaching out is brave, not weak.
Subtle Red Flags That Are Easy to Miss
Not all red flags are dramatic. Some are so subtle that you might not recognize them until you're deep into the relationship.
23. You Feel Like You're Always Walking on Eggshells
You censor yourself. You think carefully before speaking. You manage their emotions to avoid conflict. This hypervigilance is a sign that your nervous system has learned their unpredictability is dangerous.
What it feels like:
Rehearsing conversations in your head before having them
Feeling relief when they're in a good mood
Anxiety when you hear them come home
Why it matters: If you dont feel safe being yourself, the relationship is costing you more than it's giving you.
Severity: Red Flag
24. They're Never Happy for Your Success
When you share good news and they change the subject, minimize your achievement, or find something negative to focus on, they're revealing that your success threatens them.
What it sounds like:
"That's nice, but..." (followed by criticism)
Immediately talking about their own accomplishments
"Don't get too excited. It might not work out."
Why it matters: A partner who cant celebrate your wins is competing with you, not supporting you.
Severity: Yellow Flag
25. Your Friends and Family Are Concerned
The people who know you best and have no stake in your relationship are often able to see what you cant. If multiple people who love you are expressing concern, consider that they might be seeing something real.
What it sounds like:
"You've changed since you started dating them."
"I'm worried about how they treat you."
"You seem anxious all the time now."
Why it matters: When you're inside a relationship, it's hard to see clearly. Outside perspectives matter.
Severity: Yellow Flag (but take it seriously)
📋 Red Flag Self-Assessment
Check any statements that feel true about your relationship
☐ I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my partner
☐ My partner checks my phone, location, or social media without permission
☐ I've lost touch with friends or family since this relationship started
☐ When I share my feelings, my partner says I'm overreacting or too sensitive
☐ My partner never apologizes or admits they were wrong
☐ I sometimes question my own memory or perception of events
☐ My partner has threatened me, themselves, or my belongings during arguments
☐ People who care about me have expressed concern about my relationship
If you checked 1-2 boxes: Consider having a direct conversation with your partner about these concerns.
If you checked 3-5 boxes: These patterns suggest a need for outside support. Consider speaking with a therapist.
If you checked 6+ boxes: Your relationship may be unhealthy or abusive. Please reach out for help.
Red Flags in Yourself to Watch For
This is the part most articles skip. But sometimes we bring patterns to relationships that create problems too. Self-awareness matters.
🪞 Red Flags to Watch for in Yourself
You're trying to change them
Dating someone for their "potential" instead of who they are now sets you both up for disappointment.
You ignore your own red flags
If you consistently rationalize concerning behavior or make excuses for your partner, ask yourself why.
You're more invested in the relationship than your own wellbeing
Losing yourself to "save" a relationship is a sign that your own needs aren't being met.
You're repeating old patterns
If every relationship has the same problems, the common thread might be worth examining in therapy.
Self-awareness isn't about blame—it's about growth. A therapist can help you explore these patterns safely.
What to Do When You Spot Red Flags
Recognizing red flags is the first step. Knowing how to respond is the next.
🧭 What To Do When You Spot a Red Flag
Yellow Flag Response
Have a direct conversation using "I" statements. Observe whether behavior changes. Give it a reasonable timeframe.
Orange Flag Response
Set firm boundaries with clear consequences. Consider individual therapy. Watch for escalation.
Red Flag Response
Seek outside support immediately—therapist, trusted friend, family. Evaluate whether this relationship is safe for you.
Black Flag Response
Prioritize your safety above the relationship. Create a safety plan. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
For Yellow Flags: Have a Direct Conversation
Use "I" statements and be specific. "I felt dismissed when you rolled your eyes while I was talking. I need to feel heard when I share something important."
For Orange Flags: Set Clear Boundaries with Consequences
"I'm not okay with being yelled at. If you raise your voice at me, I'm going to leave the conversation and we can try again when you're calm."
For Red Flags: Seek Outside Support
Talk to a therapist, trusted friend, or family member. You need perspective from someone who isn't in the relationship with you.
For Black Flags: Prioritize Your Safety
Make a safety plan. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You don't have to figure this out alone.
When to Work on It vs. When to Leave
Not every red flag means you should immediately end the relationship. But some do.
Consider working on it if:
Your partner acknowledges the behavior
They're willing to go to therapy
The behavior changes when you set boundaries
You see genuine effort over time (not just promises)
You feel physically and emotionally safe
Consider leaving if:
Your partner denies, minimizes, or blames you for the behavior
They refuse help or say nothing is wrong
The behavior escalates despite your boundaries
You feel unsafe, anxious, or like you're losing yourself
Any black flag behaviors are present
For more guidance, see our article on when to end a relationship.
One thing I tell my clients: you dont need to prove that your relationship is "bad enough" to leave. You dont need permission. If you're unhappy, if you feel unsafe, if you've lost yourself—those are reasons enough.
Red flags aren't always obvious. Sometimes they're a feeling in your gut that you cant quite name. Sometimes it's the exhaustion of always managing someone else's emotions. Sometimes it's realizing you cant remember the last time you felt like yourself.
Trust that feeling. It's telling you something important.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Bottom Line
Red flags in relationships exist on a spectrum from subtle to severe. Some require conversation and boundary-setting. Others require immediate action to protect yourself.
The most important thing is to trust yourself. If something feels wrong, it probably is. You dont need to have "proof" that your partner is abusive to leave a relationship that makes you unhappy. You dont need to justify your decision to anyone.
You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued. If that's not what you have, it's okay to want something different.
And if you're not sure whether what you're experiencing is "bad enough" to seek help, let me tell you: the fact that you're asking the question is answer enough. You deserve support.
📋 Key Takeaways
Red flags exist on a spectrum from yellow (caution) to black (crisis). Respond accordingly.
Control red flags are the most dangerous—monitoring, isolation, financial control, and decision-making dominance.
Emotional red flags can feel like love—love bombing, gaslighting, and intermittent reinforcement are manipulation tactics.
Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is—even if you cant name it yet.
You don't need permission to leave. Being unhappy is reason enough.
Physical violence, threats, and coercion require immediate action. Contact the National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
Not Sure What You're Experiencing?
Sometimes you need an outside perspective to see clearly. Our therapists help individuals in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and throughout Colorado navigate relationship concerns safely.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships, trauma recovery, and individual therapy. She has helped hundreds of clients in Castle Rock and the South Denver metro area recognize unhealthy patterns and build healthier relationships. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions About Red Flags in Relationships
Frequently Asked Questions
How many red flags is too many in a relationship?
There's no magic number. A single black flag (physical violence, threats) is enough to leave immediately. For other flags, consider the severity, pattern, and your partner's willingness to change. If you're constantly justifying concerning behavior, or if trusted people in your life are worried, take those signals seriously regardless of the "count."
Can someone change their red flag behaviors?
Change is possible, but only when the person acknowledges the problem and is genuinely committed to working on it—usually with professional help. Change takes time and consistent effort. If your partner denies the behavior, blames you, or makes promises without follow-through, meaningful change is unlikely. You cant love someone into changing, and it's not your job to fix them.
What's the difference between a red flag and a normal relationship problem?
Normal relationship problems are disagreements between two people who respect each other—like different preferences for spending vs. saving, or how often to see extended family. Red flags involve patterns of disrespect, manipulation, control, or harm. The key differences: in healthy conflict, both people take responsibility; in red flag behavior, one person consistently blames, dismisses, or controls the other.
Why do I keep ignoring red flags in relationships?
Several factors can make red flags hard to see: strong emotional or physical attraction, past experiences that normalized unhealthy behavior, low self-esteem, fear of being alone, or the gradual escalation that makes each new behavior seem like "just a little worse." If you notice a pattern of ignoring red flags across relationships, working with a therapist can help you understand and change that pattern.
What should I do if I recognize red flags in my own behavior?
Recognizing problematic patterns in yourself is actually a positive sign—it means you have self-awareness, which is the first step toward change. Consider working with a therapist to understand the roots of these behaviors and develop healthier patterns. Be honest with your partner about what you're working on. Change takes time and professional support, but it's absolutely possible when you're genuinely committed.
How do I leave a relationship with red flags safely?
If you're concerned about safety, create an exit plan before announcing your decision. This might include: securing important documents, having a safe place to go, telling trusted people about your situation, and contacting resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for guidance. If there's no safety concern, you can have a direct conversation, but you don't owe an explanation or debate. "This isn't working for me" is a complete sentence.
Related Articles in This Series
5 Stages of a Relationship: What to Expect in Each Phase
Understanding the natural progression of healthy relationships
20 Green Flags in Relationships: Signs of a Healthy Partner
Positive signs therapists look for in secure partnerships
50 Premarital Questions Every Couple Should Ask
Questions to discuss before committing to marriage
When to End a Relationship: 12 Signs It's Time to Walk Away
A therapist explains how to make this painful decision
