When to End a Relationship: 12 Signs It's Time to Walk Away
🤔
The Question You're Really Asking
"Is what I'm feeling a sign this relationship is over? Or just a rough patch I should push through?"
This guide will help you find clarity
You're reading this because you're stuck in one of the hardest places a person can be: not sure whether to stay or leave.
If you knew for certain it was over, you'd be reading something else—how to heal after a breakup, how to move forward. If you knew for certain it was worth saving, you'd be looking up couples therapy or communication tips.
But you're here. In the middle. Wondering if what you're feeling is a sign you should go, or just a rough patch you should push through.
I'm Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at South Denver Therapy. I work with couples and individuals in Colorado. Some come to me hoping to save their relationship. Others come knowing it's over but needing support to leave. And many come exactly where you are now—not sure which category they belong in.
This guide wont tell you what to do. Only you can make that decision. But it will help you understand the signs that typically indicate a relationship has run its course, the signs that suggest it's worth fighting for, and the questions that can help you find clarity.
This is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make. Let's approach it with the seriousness it deserves.
Why This Decision Is So Hard
Before we look at specific signs, let's acknowledge why you're struggling. This isn't a character flaw. It's human.
Why Leaving Is So Hard (Even When You Know You Should)
💰 Sunk Cost Fallacy
"I've invested so much time/energy. I can't walk away now."
😨 Fear of Being Alone
"What if I never find anyone else? What if this is as good as it gets?"
🔮 Hope for Change
"They'll change when [milestone happens]. I just need to be more patient."
💔 Love Remains
"But I still love them. Doesn't that mean I should stay?"
👨👩👧 External Pressure
"What about the kids? What will people think? I made a commitment."
🏠 Practical Concerns
"Where would I live? How would I afford it? It's too complicated."
These are real reasons people stay. They're not weakness—they're human. But they shouldn't be the only reasons you stay.
Understanding what's keeping you stuck isn't about judgment. It's about awareness. When you can name the forces holding you in place, you can evaluate whether those reasons are valid—or whether they're keeping you trapped in something that's no longer serving you.
The 3 Categories of "Should I Leave?"
Not all relationship struggles are created equal. Before looking at specific signs, it helps to understand that relationship problems fall into three distinct categories:
The 3 Categories of Relationship Problems
Category 1: Leave Immediately
Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), active addiction without willingness to change, threats, violence. Your safety and wellbeing are at immediate risk.
Signs 1-4 in this article
Category 2: Serious Warning Signs
Lost yourself, fundamental incompatibility, tried everything without change, staying from fear not love. These suggest the relationship may have run its course.
Signs 5-12 in this article
Category 3: Worth Fighting For
Rough patch in otherwise healthy relationship, both partners willing to work, love and respect remain, differences are preferences not values. This calls for more investment, not exit.
See "Signs It's Worth Saving" section below
Knowing which category your situation falls into can help you determine the right response.
Category 1: Signs You Should Leave Immediately
Some situations require immediate action. These aren't "maybe" signs—they're clear signals that your safety, wellbeing, or fundamental dignity is at risk. If any of the following are present, the question isn't whether to leave, but how to leave safely.
Sign 1: Physical Violence or Threats of Violence
This is non-negotiable. If your partner has hit you, shoved you, restrained you, thrown things at you, or threatened physical harm, it's time to leave.
This includes:
Any form of hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, or choking
Throwing objects at you or near you
Blocking your exit during arguments
Threats to hurt you, your children, your pets, or themselves if you leave
Destroying your belongings during anger
What to know: Many people minimize physical violence ("It only happened once," "They didn't really hurt me," "I provoked them"). Violence tends to escalate, not decrease. One incident is enough to take seriously.
🆘 If You're Experiencing Abuse, Help Is Available
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | thehotline.org
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
RAINN (Sexual Assault): 1-800-656-4673 | rainn.org
All services are free, confidential, and available 24/7. You don't have to face this alone.
Sign 2: Emotional or Psychological Abuse
Emotional abuse can be harder to identify than physical abuse, but it's equally destructive. If you're being systematically degraded, controlled, manipulated, or isolated, this is abuse.
Signs of emotional abuse include:
Constant criticism that attacks your character, not just behavior
Gaslighting—making you question your own memory, perception, or sanity
Isolation from friends and family
Monitoring and controlling your movements, finances, or decisions
Extreme jealousy framed as "love"
Humiliating you in public or private
Using your vulnerabilities against you
Threatening to harm themselves if you leave
What it sounds like:
"You're so stupid, no one else would want you."
"That never happened. You're making things up."
"I only act this way because you make me."
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't have friends who don't include me."
What to know: Emotional abuse often escalates gradually. Many people dont recognize it until they're deeply embedded in the relationship. If you're constantly walking on eggshells, feeling crazy, or doubting your own perceptions, please seek help.
Sign 3: Addiction Without Willingness to Get Help
Addiction—whether to substances, alcohol, gambling, or pornography—can destroy relationships. But the issue isn't the addiction itself. It's whether your partner acknowledges the problem and is actively working to address it.
Time to leave when:
They deny having a problem despite clear evidence
They refuse treatment or drop out repeatedly
Their addiction is putting you or your family at financial, physical, or emotional risk
You've become more of a caretaker than a partner
You're covering for them, making excuses, or protecting them from consequences
What to know: You cannot love someone into sobriety. You cannot fix this for them. And staying in a relationship with someone in active addiction who refuses help will slowly destroy your own wellbeing.
Sign 4: Infidelity With No Genuine Remorse or Change
Relationships can sometimes survive infidelity. But only when the person who cheated takes full responsibility, shows genuine remorse, and commits to transparent, sustained change.
Time to leave when:
They blame you for their affair ("If you'd been more attentive...")
They minimize it ("It was just texting," "It didn't mean anything")
They refuse to cut off contact with the affair partner
They won't answer your questions or be transparent
They're unwilling to do the work of rebuilding trust (therapy, accountability)
There's a pattern of repeated infidelity
What to know: Recovering from infidelity is possible, but it requires the unfaithful partner to do most of the heavy lifting. If they're not willing to do that work, the relationship cannot heal.
Category 1: Signs You Should Leave Immediately
The key: These aren't "maybe" situations. If any of these are present, the question isn't whether to leave—it's how to leave safely. Please seek professional support.
Category 2: Signs That Suggest It's Time to Walk Away
These signs don't necessarily require immediate action, but they indicate serious problems that may mean the relationship has reached its end. If multiple signs from this category resonate with you—and you've genuinely tried to address them—it may be time to walk away.
Sign 5: You've Lost Yourself in the Relationship
Healthy relationships enhance who you are. Unhealthy ones slowly erase you.
Ask yourself:
Do you still have your own opinions, interests, and friendships?
Do you feel like you're playing a role rather than being yourself?
Have you given up dreams, hobbies, or goals to keep the peace?
Do you feel smaller than you used to be?
Have friends or family expressed concern that you've changed?
What this looks like:
You don't remember what you used to enjoy doing
You shape your opinions around what your partner thinks
You've become isolated from people who used to be important to you
You feel like you're constantly accommodating their needs while yours go unmet
Why it matters: A relationship where you cant be yourself isn't a partnership. It's a performance. And that performance will exhaust you over time.
Sign 6: You're Staying Out of Fear, Not Love
Fear is not a good foundation for a relationship. If you're staying because you're afraid of the alternative, that's worth examining.
Fear-based reasons for staying:
Fear of being alone
Fear of financial instability
Fear of what they'll do (to themselves or to you)
Fear of hurting them
Fear of what people will think
Fear that you'll never find anyone else
Fear of change itself
The question to ask: If you woke up tomorrow and none of those fears existed—if you knew you'd be financially stable, wouldn't be alone forever, and your partner would be fine—would you still want to be in this relationship?
If the answer is no, fear is keeping you trapped, not love.
Sign 7: The Relationship Brings Out the Worst in You
Sometimes we're not our best selves in a relationship—and that says something about the relationship, not just about us.
Signs the relationship is bringing out your worst:
You've become someone you don't recognize—angry, jealous, controlling, anxious
You find yourself doing things you're not proud of (snooping, lying, yelling)
Your mental health has significantly declined since entering this relationship
You feel constantly on edge, defensive, or reactive
Friends have commented that you've changed
What to consider: It's possible you've developed unhealthy patterns that you'd take into any relationship. But it's also possible this specific relationship is toxic to you—that something about the dynamic is pulling you into behaviors that aren't who you want to be.
Sign 8: Your Core Values Are Fundamentally Incompatible
Some differences can be bridged. Others cant. When your deepest values are in conflict, no amount of love can make the relationship work long-term.
Core value conflicts that often end relationships:
One person wants children; the other doesn't
Fundamentally different religious or spiritual beliefs that affect daily life
Different definitions of fidelity and commitment
Incompatible views on where to live, family involvement, or lifestyle
Different financial values (saver vs. spender) with no willingness to compromise
What to know: These aren't problems to solve. They're incompatibilities to acknowledge. Staying in a relationship where your core values don't align means one or both of you will have to sacrifice something essential to who you are.
For more on identifying these before marriage, see our guide to premarital questions every couple should ask.
Sign 9: You've Genuinely Tried, and Nothing Changes
This is perhaps the most heartbreaking sign. You've done the work. You've communicated. You've been patient. You've gone to therapy. And nothing has changed.
You can confidently say you've tried when:
You've clearly communicated what you need (not hinted, actually stated)
You've given them time to work on it
You've sought professional help (individually or together)
You've examined your own contribution to the problems
You've tried multiple times, not just once
Signs they're not willing to change:
They acknowledge the issue but take no action
They make promises but don't follow through
They turn the problem back on you ("If you would just...")
They dismiss your concerns as unreasonable
There's been no sustained improvement despite repeated efforts
The hard truth: You cannot change another person. You can only invite change and decide what you're willing to accept. If you've genuinely done your part and they're not meeting you, that's an answer.
Sign 10: You're Fantasizing About Life Without Them
We all have fleeting moments of wondering "what if." But when you're consistently fantasizing about being single, imagining life without your partner, or feeling relief when they're not around, that's a sign.
Pay attention if you:
Feel relieved when they travel or work late
Daydream about what you'd do if you were single
Find yourself attracted to others and imagining being with them
Notice you're happier alone than together
Catch yourself thinking "When I'm no longer with them, I'll..."
What this means: Your emotional energy has already started moving toward the exit. Your mind is preparing for a life without them. That's worth listening to.
Sign 11: The Gottman "Four Horsemen" Have Taken Over
Research by the Gottman Institute identified four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. If these patterns dominate your relationship, it's in serious trouble.
The Four Horsemen:
Criticism — Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing specific behaviors. ("You're so selfish" rather than "I felt hurt when you didn't ask about my day.")
Contempt — Expressing disgust, disrespect, or superiority through eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm, or insults. This is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness — Deflecting responsibility, making excuses, or responding to complaints with counter-complaints. ("I only did that because you...")
Stonewalling — Shutting down, refusing to engage, or withdrawing from conflict entirely.
When these signal the end:
These patterns have become your default, not occasional lapses
You've tried to change them but keep falling back into the same dynamics
There's more contempt than respect in your interactions
Communication feels hopeless
Sign 12: You Know. Deep Down, You Know.
Sometimes the body knows before the mind accepts it. You may have a deep, quiet knowing that this relationship is over—even if you're not ready to act on it yet.
Signs of this deep knowing:
A feeling of inevitability when you think about the future
Emotional detachment that feels more like protection than a rough patch
Going through the motions without investment
A voice inside that keeps saying "this isn't right"
Relief when you imagine it being over
What to do with this knowing: You dont have to act on it today. But dont silence it either. Give yourself permission to know what you know, even if you're not ready to do anything about it yet. Sometimes clarity comes in stages.
Category 2: Serious Warning Signs
The key: If multiple signs resonate—and you've genuinely tried to address them—it may be time to accept that the relationship has run its course. Consider individual therapy to help you process this decision.
What About Trying Harder? Signs the Relationship Might Be Worth Saving
Not every relationship struggle means it's time to leave. Sometimes the answer is to invest more, not less. Here's when that might be the case.
💚 Signs the Relationship Might Be Worth Saving
Both partners are willing to do the work
Not just saying it—actually showing up, going to therapy, making changes.
There's still respect underneath the conflict
You fight, but you don't hold each other in contempt. You still see the good.
You share core values and want the same future
The issues are about communication or circumstances, not fundamental incompatibility.
This is a rough patch, not a pattern
Specific stressors (job loss, health issues, new baby) are causing strain, but this isn't how things always are.
You still believe in the relationship's potential
Not just hope that they'll change—genuine belief in what you could build together.
You can imagine a happy future together
When you picture your life in 10 years, they're still in it—and you're smiling.
If these resonate: The relationship may need intervention, not ending. Consider couples therapy to work through the challenges.
If you see more green flags than red, if your partner is willing to work on things, and if you still believe in the relationship's potential, it may be worth fighting for—with help.
A Framework for Making This Decision
If you're still unsure, this framework might help.
🤔 A Framework for Deciding
Step 1: Is there abuse?
If yes → The answer is leave. Get help to do so safely.
Step 2: Are you staying from fear or from love?
If fear is the primary reason → Work with a therapist to understand your patterns before deciding.
Step 3: Have you genuinely tried to fix the issues?
If not yet → Try couples therapy before deciding. You'll have more clarity after real effort.
Step 4: Are both partners willing to work on it?
If only you → You cannot save a relationship alone. Their unwillingness is your answer.
Step 5: Is there a path forward you can both accept?
If yes → Commit to that path with professional help. If no → It may be time to let go.
The Questions to Ask Yourself
Sometimes the clearest path forward comes from honest self-reflection. Consider these questions:
💭 Questions to Ask Yourself
The Remove-All-Fear Question: If you knew you'd be financially fine, wouldn't be alone forever, and your partner would be okay—would you still want to stay?
The 5-Year Question: If nothing changes, can you accept this relationship as it is for the next 5 years?
The Friend Question: If your best friend described this exact relationship to you, what would you tell them to do?
The Body Question: When you imagine staying for the next decade, what happens in your body? When you imagine leaving, what happens?
The Pattern Question: Is this a temporary rough patch or is this who the relationship is?
The Child Question: If you had a child watching this relationship as a model for their future, would you want them to stay or go?
Notice which questions are hardest to answer. That's often where the truth lives.
What Keeps People Stuck (And How to Move Forward)
Even when we know we should leave, actually doing it is another matter. Here's what often keeps people stuck—and how to work through it.
What Keeps People Stuck — And How to Move Forward
"I've invested too much to leave"
This is the sunk cost fallacy. The time you've spent is gone whether you stay or leave. The question is what you do with your future.
Reframe:
"The question isn't whether I've invested enough. It's whether continued investment will yield the return I need."
"I'll never find anyone else"
This is fear talking. It also assumes being alone is worse than being in the wrong relationship. It's not.
Reframe:
"I cannot attract someone right for me while staying with someone wrong for me."
"They'll change eventually"
People can change—but only when they decide to. And you cannot make that decision for them.
Reframe:
"I need to make decisions based on who they are now, not who I hope they'll become."
"But I still love them"
Love is not always enough. You can love someone and still recognize that being with them is not healthy for you.
Reframe:
"Loving someone and choosing to stay with them are two different decisions."
If You've Decided to Leave
Making the decision is hard. Following through is harder. Here are some practical considerations:
🚪 If You've Decided to Leave
Build Your Support System
Tell trusted friends or family. Consider starting therapy. You don't have to do this alone.
Make Practical Plans
Where will you live? How will finances work? Having a plan reduces overwhelm and increases follow-through.
If Safety Is a Concern
Create a safety plan. Tell someone you trust. Call the National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Be Clear When Ending It
Have the conversation in person when possible. Be direct but kind. Avoid blame. Expect them to be hurt.
Expect Grief—Even If You Chose It
Ending a relationship is a loss, even when it's the right choice. Allow yourself to grieve.
Resist the Urge to Go Back
Loneliness and grief can make the relationship look better in hindsight. Write down why you left before you leave.
If You've Decided to Stay and Work On It
Deciding to stay isn't the end—it's a commitment to real work. Here's what that looks like:
💚 If You've Decided to Stay and Work On It
Commit Fully—For Now
Staying while keeping one foot out the door helps no one. Give it your full effort for a defined period.
Get Professional Help
A skilled couples therapist can help you break patterns you can't break alone. This isn't weakness—it's wisdom.
Name What Needs to Change
Vague commitments to "work on things" fail. Get specific about what behaviors need to shift—from both of you.
Set a Timeline for Reassessment
In 3-6 months, evaluate: Is real change happening? Are we both showing up? This prevents indefinite waiting.
Work On Yourself Too
Relationship problems are rarely 100% one person's fault. Examine your contribution honestly.
Know Your Non-Negotiables
What would make you leave? Name it now, so you recognize it if it happens.
One thing I tell my clients: leaving isn't giving up. Sometimes leaving is the bravest thing you can do.
Staying in a relationship that's damaging you—because you're afraid, because you've invested so much, because you think you can fix it—that isn't strength. Recognizing that you deserve more, that this isn't working, that you've tried and it's still not enough? That takes courage.
At the same time, I've also seen couples who were on the brink of ending things turn their relationships around completely. Not because they hoped harder, but because they got real help and did real work. So if there's genuine potential, fight for it. But if you've fought and nothing's changed? Trust yourself. You know what you know.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
The Bottom Line
There's no formula that can tell you whether to stay or go. This decision lives in the space between your head and your heart, between your hopes and your reality, between who you wish your partner was and who they actually are.
What I can tell you is this: you deserve a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and valued. You deserve a partner who chooses you daily, who takes responsibility for their actions, who grows alongside you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you more yourself, not less.
If your relationship has that potential—even if it's buried under conflict and pain—it might be worth fighting for. Get help. Do the work. See what's possible.
But if you've tried, truly tried, and nothing changes? If you're staying out of fear rather than love? If you've lost yourself in trying to make it work?
Then leaving isn't giving up. It's choosing yourself.
Whatever you decide, know that you're not alone. This is one of the hardest decisions a person can make, and you're allowed to take your time, to seek support, and to trust your own knowing.
📋 Key Takeaways
Some situations require immediate action: abuse, violence, threats, addiction without willingness to change.
Other signs suggest the relationship has run its course: lost yourself, staying from fear, tried everything without change, fundamental incompatibility.
Some relationships are worth fighting for: both willing to work, respect remains, core values align, rough patch vs. pattern.
Fear is not a good reason to stay. Ask yourself: if all my fears disappeared, would I still want to be here?
Love is not always enough. You can love someone and still recognize they're not right for you.
Trust your knowing. Often, you already know the answer. You're just not ready to act on it yet.
Not Sure What to Do Next?
Whether you need help deciding, support in leaving, or guidance in rebuilding your relationship, our therapists can help. We serve individuals and couples in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and throughout Colorado.
Written By
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate relationship decisions. She specializes in relationship therapy and works with clients in Castle Rock and the South Denver metro area. Kayla practices at South Denver Therapy.
Learn more about Kayla →Frequently Asked Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I should leave or if it's just a rough patch?
Rough patches are temporary—they're tied to specific circumstances (stress, life transitions) and both partners remain committed to working through them. Signs you should leave are patterns, not phases: ongoing disrespect, fundamental incompatibility, refusal to change despite repeated efforts, or losing yourself in the relationship. The key questions: Is this a temporary storm or the climate of the relationship? Have you tried to address it, and are they willing to work with you?
Is it okay to end a relationship even if I still love them?
Yes. Love is not the only factor in whether a relationship should continue. You can deeply love someone and still recognize that being with them isn't healthy for you, that your values are incompatible, or that they're unwilling to meet your needs. Healthy love should feel safe, respectful, and mutual. If love is present but those other elements aren't, the relationship may not be sustainable.
How long should I try to fix things before deciding to leave?
There's no universal timeline, but most therapists suggest giving genuine effort (including couples therapy) 6-12 months before making a final decision. The key word is genuine—both partners actively participating, not just waiting for change. If one partner refuses to engage in the work, you have your answer sooner. And if abuse is present, you should leave immediately—there's no timeline for safety.
What if I'm scared I'll regret leaving?
Fear of regret keeps many people in relationships longer than they should stay. Here's what to consider: regret often fades with time and healing, while the costs of staying in the wrong relationship accumulate. Many people who leave report initial grief followed by relief and growth. Before leaving, write down specifically why you're going—this list can anchor you when loneliness or nostalgia makes the relationship look better in hindsight.
Should I try couples therapy before ending the relationship?
In most cases, yes—if both partners are willing to participate and there's no abuse present. Couples therapy can help you break patterns you can't break alone, communicate more effectively, and determine whether the relationship can be saved. Even if you ultimately decide to end things, therapy can help you do so more clearly and kindly. The exception: if your partner is abusive, individual therapy for you is more appropriate than couples work together.
How do I leave if I'm financially dependent on my partner?
Financial dependence is real and makes leaving harder—but not impossible. Start by building resources: open your own bank account, start saving even small amounts, research your options (staying with family, affordable housing, job opportunities). Know that you may qualify for spousal support or alimony. If you're in an abusive situation, domestic violence resources can help with emergency housing and financial assistance. A therapist or counselor can help you create a practical exit plan.
Related Articles in This Series
5 Stages of a Relationship: What to Expect in Each Phase
Understanding the natural progression of healthy relationships
25 Red Flags in Relationships You Should Never Ignore
Warning signs therapists recognize in unhealthy relationships
20 Green Flags in Relationships: Signs of a Healthy Partner
Positive signs therapists look for in secure partnerships
50 Premarital Questions Every Couple Should Ask
Questions to discuss before committing to marriage
