The 4 Horsemen of Relationships That Predict Divorce (+ Antidotes)
The Four Horsemen are destructive communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman that predict divorce with 94% accuracy:
1. Criticism — attacking character
Fix: Gentle start-up
2. Contempt — disgust & superiority
Fix: Build appreciation
3. Defensiveness — blame-shifting
Fix: Take responsibility
4. Stonewalling — shutting down
Fix: Self-soothe & return
👇 Keep reading for examples, scripts, and a self-assessment quiz
You had the same fight again last night.
It started small. A comment about the dishes. A sigh about the credit card bill. But within minutes, you were both saying things you did not mean. One of you shut down. The other walked away. And this morning, you are both pretending it did not happen.
Sound familiar?
Where the Term Comes From
The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" comes from the New Testament's Book of Revelation, where four horsemen symbolize conquest, war, famine, and death. Dr. Gottman borrowed this metaphor in the 1990s after discovering through his "Love Lab" research at the University of Washington that these four specific communication patterns predicted relationship collapse with startling accuracy.
Here is what most couples do not realize: it is not the fighting that destroys relationships. It is how you fight.
Dr. John Gottman spent over 40 years studying thousands of couples at his "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. His research uncovered something remarkable: he could predict with 94% accuracy which couples would divorce just by watching them argue for 15 minutes.
The secret? Four specific communication patterns that, when present in conflict, signal serious trouble. Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, after the biblical harbingers of doom.
The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these patterns show up in your relationship, they corrode trust, erode connection, and predict relationship failure better than any other factor researchers have found.
But here is the hopeful part: Gottman did not just identify these destructive patterns. He also discovered their antidotes. Every horseman has a specific counter behavior that neutralizes its damage and rebuilds connection.
This guide will help you recognize each horseman, understand why it is so harmful, and learn the antidote that can save your relationship.
What You Will Learn
What Are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are negative communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown. They typically appear in a specific order, with each one paving the way for the next.
The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
The communication patterns that predict divorce
Attacking your partner's character instead of a behavior
Expressing disgust and superiority toward your partner
Self-protection through blame-shifting and excuses
Withdrawing and refusing to engage in conversation
According to The Gottman Institute, these patterns are so reliably destructive that their presence during conflict is one of the strongest predictors of divorce ever discovered.
The good news? Most couples use some of these patterns occasionally. That is normal. The danger comes when they become your default way of handling conflict, when you cannot seem to disagree without criticism creeping in, when contempt has become the background noise of your relationship.
Understanding each horseman and its antidote gives you the power to interrupt these patterns before they destroy what you have built together.
What 40 Years of Research Reveals
Source: The Gottman Institute, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
The First Horseman: Criticism
Criticism is attacking your partner's character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
There is an important difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific issue. A criticism attacks who your partner is as a person.
Complaint: "I was worried when you did not call to say you would be late. I thought something happened to you."
Criticism: "You never think about anyone but yourself. You are so inconsiderate."
The complaint addresses a behavior. The criticism attacks character.
Why Criticism Is So Harmful
Criticism puts your partner on the defensive immediately. When someone feels attacked at their core, their brain shifts into protection mode. They cannot hear your underlying need because they are too busy defending their identity.
Criticism also sets the stage for the other horsemen. When you attack character instead of behavior, your partner is likely to respond with defensiveness. Over time, criticism can evolve into contempt, the most destructive horseman of all.
What Criticism Sounds Like
"You always..." or "You never..."
"What is wrong with you?"
"Why are you so lazy/selfish/forgetful?"
"You are just like your mother/father."
"I cannot believe you would do something so stupid."
"This is typical. You always mess things up."
🗣️ Criticism: What You Said vs What They Heard
YOU SAID:
"You never help around here."
THEY HEARD:
"You are lazy and worthless."
YOU SAID:
"What is wrong with you?"
THEY HEARD:
"You are broken and defective."
YOU SAID:
"You always forget everything."
THEY HEARD:
"You are stupid and unreliable."
The pattern: Criticism attacks who your partner IS, not what they DID. That is why it triggers defensiveness.
The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up
The antidote to criticism is the gentle start-up. Instead of attacking your partner's character, you express your own feelings and make a specific request.
The formula is simple:
"I feel [emotion] about [specific situation]. I need [specific request]."
Instead of: "You never help around here. What is wrong with you?"
Try: "I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Can we figure out a system that works for both of us?"
The gentle start-up works because it focuses on your experience rather than your partner's failures. It gives them something specific to respond to rather than a character attack to defend against.
Research shows that conversations that begin harshly will end harshly 96% of the time. But when you start gently, you dramatically increase the chances of a productive conversation.
For more on this technique, read our complete guide to how to communicate better in relationships.
The Gentle Start-Up Formula
The antidote to criticism
"I feel [emotion] about [specific situation].
I need [specific request]."
❌ "You never help with the kids."
✓ "I feel exhausted by bedtime. I need us to take turns with bath time. Can we try that this week?"
❌ "You are so irresponsible with money."
✓ "I feel anxious when I see unexpected charges. I need us to check in before big purchases. Can we set a limit?"
❌ "Why can't you ever be on time?"
✓ "I feel stressed when we are running late. I need us to leave 10 minutes earlier. Can we set an alarm?"
The Second Horseman: Contempt
Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It is criticism on steroids, combining negativity with a sense of superiority.
When you communicate with contempt, you treat your partner as beneath you. You mock them. You speak with disgust. You roll your eyes. You use sarcasm designed to wound.
Contempt says: "I am better than you. You are worthless."
What Contempt Looks Like
Eye-rolling when your partner speaks
Mocking or mimicking their words
Name-calling
Sarcasm designed to hurt
Sneering or curled lip expressions
Hostile humor that disguises attacks as jokes
Dismissive body language
Why Contempt Is the Most Dangerous Horseman
Contempt is so harmful because it conveys disgust. When your partner sees contempt on your face, they feel worthless. They cannot hear any legitimate concern underneath because the message of "you are beneath me" overwhelms everything else.
Gottman's research found that contempt is not just the top predictor of divorce. Couples who show contempt are also more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds and flu. Contempt is literally making you sick.
Contempt is the sulfuric acid of relationships. It does not just hurt your partner in the moment. It eats away at everything good you have built together. When I see contempt in a couple, I know we have work to do. But I also know that couples who learn to replace contempt with appreciation can completely transform their relationship. I have seen it happen hundreds of times.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist
Contempt does not appear overnight. It builds over time when complaints and criticisms go unaddressed. It is the result of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, thoughts that have been rehearsed and reinforced until they explode as disgust.
The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation
You cannot simply stop feeling contempt. You have to replace it with something else.
The antidote is building a culture of appreciation in your relationship. This means actively and regularly expressing respect, affection, and gratitude toward your partner.
Gottman's research found that happy couples maintain a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. During conflict, this ratio drops to 5:1. Couples heading for divorce show ratios closer to 0.8:1 or worse.
Building appreciation means:
Expressing gratitude daily for small things
Noticing what your partner does right instead of only what they do wrong
Remembering why you fell in love with them
Sharing genuine compliments
Speaking respectfully even when frustrated
Looking for the positive intent behind their actions
This is not about ignoring problems. It is about creating an emotional bank account with enough positive deposits that you can handle withdrawals when conflict arises.
The Magic Ratio: 5 Positives for Every 1 Negative
What happy couples maintain vs couples heading for divorce
Happy Couples
5:1
positive to negative ratio
Couples Heading for Divorce
0.8:1
positive to negative ratio
Building the ratio: Say thank you. Give compliments. Show affection. Notice what they do right. Every positive interaction is a deposit in your emotional bank account.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood.
When we feel accused, our natural instinct is to defend ourselves. We explain why we are not at fault. We point out that the real problem is our partner. We act as if we are the victim being unfairly attacked.
The problem? Defensiveness never works. It is really a way of blaming your partner, and it escalates conflict instead of resolving it.
What Defensiveness Sounds Like
"It is not my fault that..."
"You are the one who..."
"I would not have done that if you had not..."
"Why are you attacking me?"
"That is not what happened."
"You are being unfair."
"Yes, but you..."
Why Defensiveness Fails
Defensiveness sends a clear message: "The problem is not me. It is you."
This makes your partner feel unheard. Their concern gets dismissed. So what do they do? They escalate. They push harder to be heard. The conversation spirals.
Defensiveness also prevents you from seeing any legitimate point in your partner's complaint. Even if their delivery was poor, there might be something worth hearing. Defensiveness blocks that learning.
Why Defensiveness Never Works
Partner A: "You forgot to pick up the prescription."
Partner B (defensive): "It is not my fault! You did not remind me!"
Partner A (escalates): "Why should I have to remind you? You are an adult!"
Partner B (more defensive): "Well you forget things too!"
The alternative: "You are right, I forgot. I am sorry. I will set a reminder next time."
→ Conversation ends. Connection preserved.
The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility, even if only for part of the problem.
This does not mean accepting blame for everything. It means acknowledging whatever piece of the situation you can honestly own.
Instead of: "It is not my fault. You did not remind me."
Try: "You are right. I did forget. I should have put it on my calendar. I am sorry."
Instead of: "I would not have yelled if you were not nagging me."
Try: "I should not have raised my voice. That was not okay, regardless of what else was happening."
Taking responsibility requires vulnerability. It means letting go of your need to be right. But it is incredibly disarming. When you own your part, your partner's anger often softens immediately. They feel heard. They are more likely to acknowledge their part too.
Swap Defensiveness for Responsibility
What to say instead
❌ DEFENSIVE:
"It is not my fault. You did not tell me."
✓ RESPONSIBLE:
"You are right. I should have asked. I am sorry."
❌ DEFENSIVE:
"I would not have yelled if you were not nagging me."
✓ RESPONSIBLE:
"I should not have raised my voice. That was not okay."
❌ DEFENSIVE:
"That is not what happened. You are twisting my words."
✓ RESPONSIBLE:
"I can see how it came across that way. That was not my intent."
Taking responsibility does not mean accepting all the blame. It means owning whatever piece you can honestly own.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the conversation and refuses to engage. They shut down, go silent, or physically leave.
To the partner being stonewalled, it feels like talking to a wall. No response. No acknowledgment. Nothing.
We have written an entire guide on stonewalling in relationships, but here is a summary of why it happens and how to stop it.
Not sure if you or your partner stonewalls? Take our free stonewalling quiz to assess your patterns.
Why People Stonewall
Stonewalling is usually not intentional cruelty. It is typically a response to feeling overwhelmed.
When conflict escalates, some people experience physiological flooding. Their heart rate spikes above 100 beats per minute. Stress hormones flood their system. Their brain literally cannot process complex information or respond thoughtfully.
Gottman's research found that approximately 85% of stonewallers in heterosexual relationships are men. This is not because men care less. It is because men tend to become physiologically flooded faster and take longer to recover. Their heart rates spike higher and stay elevated longer during conflict. Stonewalling is often their nervous system's way of avoiding a complete shutdown.
In this flooded state, shutting down feels like the only option. It is a survival response, not a deliberate choice to punish your partner.
The problem is that stonewalling leaves the other partner feeling abandoned. They pursue harder, trying to get a response. This increases the stonewaller's flooding, and they withdraw even more. This creates the pursuer-withdrawer pattern that traps so many couples.
Signs of Stonewalling
The fourth horseman in action
For a deep dive into why partners stonewall and 7 ways to stop it, read our guide: Stonewalling in Relationships
The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing
The antidote to stonewalling is learning to take breaks and self-soothe before flooding takes over.
When you notice signs of flooding, like a racing heart, tight chest, or urge to escape, call a timeout. But do it the right way:
Wrong way: Walking out without a word. Going silent. Slamming the door.
Right way: "I am starting to feel overwhelmed. I need a 20-minute break to calm down. I promise I will come back and we can continue."
During the break, do something that genuinely calms your nervous system. Walk. Breathe deeply. Listen to music. Do not spend the time rehearsing the argument or building your case.
Research shows you need at least 20 minutes for your body to return to baseline after flooding. Then, and this is the key, you must return to the conversation as promised.
For more techniques, read our guide to fair fighting rules for couples.
The Right Way to Take a Break
The antidote to stonewalling
❌ Stonewalling:
*walks out and slams door*
"I am done talking about this."
*complete silence*
✓ Healthy Break:
"I am starting to feel flooded. I need 20 minutes to calm down."
"I want to finish this conversation. Let us come back at 7."
*returns as promised*
The difference: A healthy break includes what is happening, a timeframe, and a commitment to return.
How the Four Horsemen Work Together
The Four Horsemen rarely appear alone. They typically cascade, with each one triggering the next.
A common pattern:
Partner A brings up a complaint, but it comes out as criticism ("You never listen to me")
Partner B feels attacked and responds with defensiveness ("I do listen! You are the one who never lets me speak")
The conversation escalates. Partner A's frustration turns to contempt (eye roll, sarcastic tone)
Partner B becomes overwhelmed and stonewalls (shuts down, leaves the room)
Neither partner gets what they need. The issue remains unresolved. Resentment builds.
How the Four Horsemen Cascade
One triggers the next
1️⃣ Criticism
"You never think about anyone but yourself."
3️⃣ Defensiveness
"That is not fair! You are the selfish one!"
2️⃣ Contempt
*eye roll* "Oh please. You are pathetic."
4️⃣ Stonewalling
*shuts down completely, leaves room*
Breaking the chain: Interrupt any horseman with its antidote and the cascade stops. Use a gentle start-up, take responsibility, build appreciation, or take a healthy break.
The good news is that interrupting any horseman can break the cascade. If Partner A had used a gentle start-up instead of criticism, Partner B would not have become defensive. If Partner B had taken responsibility instead of defending, Partner A would not have escalated to contempt.
Every moment in conflict is a choice point. You can feed the horsemen or starve them.
The Four Horsemen in Action: A Real Argument
Watch how one disagreement spirals through all four patterns
The situation: Partner A comes home to find dishes still in the sink after Partner B promised to do them.
🔴 CRITICISM (Partner A):
"The dishes are still there. You never do what you say you will. I cannot count on you for anything."
🟢 DEFENSIVENESS (Partner B):
"I had a terrible day at work! You have no idea what I dealt with. Why are you attacking me the second I sit down? You act like you never forget anything."
🟠 CONTEMPT (Partner A):
*rolls eyes* "Oh, poor you. Your job is SO hard. Meanwhile I am working AND handling everything at home. Must be nice to just... forget your responsibilities."
🔵 STONEWALLING (Partner B):
*stands up, grabs phone* "I am not doing this." *walks to bedroom, closes door*
🔄 The Result:
- The dishes still are not done
- Both partners feel hurt and misunderstood
- The real issue (division of labor) remains unaddressed
- Resentment grows for the next conflict
💚 How It Could Have Gone:
Partner A (gentle start-up): "Hey. I noticed the dishes are still there. I feel frustrated because I was counting on them being done. Can we figure out a time tonight?"
Partner B (takes responsibility): "You are right. I completely forgot after my day. That is on me. I will do them right after dinner."
The Four Horsemen Self-Assessment
How present are the Four Horsemen in your relationship? Check the patterns you recognize.
Four Horsemen Self-Assessment
Check the patterns present in your relationship
🔴 Criticism:
🟠 Contempt:
🟢 Defensiveness:
🔵 Stonewalling:
Scoring:
0-2 checked: Normal conflict patterns. Keep practicing the antidotes.
3-5 checked: The horsemen are present. Time to actively work on change.
6-8 checked: These patterns are affecting your relationship. Consider couples therapy.
Why Some Couples Have More Horsemen Than Others
If the Four Horsemen are so destructive, why do some couples fall into these patterns while others do not?
Several factors increase your risk:
Childhood experiences. If you grew up in a home where criticism and contempt were normal, you may default to these patterns without realizing it. It is what you learned.
Attachment style. People with anxious attachment may be more prone to criticism and pursuit. People with avoidant attachment may be more prone to stonewalling and withdrawal.
Unresolved issues. When problems pile up without resolution, frustration builds. Over time, that frustration can curdle into contempt.
Stress. External stress depletes your emotional resources. When you are exhausted, you are more likely to snap into horseman patterns.
Lack of skills. Many people simply were never taught healthy conflict skills. They do what they know, even if it does not work.
The couples who thrive are not the ones who never have conflict. They are the ones who have learned to fight differently. They still get frustrated. They still raise their voices sometimes. But they catch themselves quickly. They repair. They choose the antidote instead of the horseman. That skill makes all the difference.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Gottman-Trained Couples Therapist
Beyond Romantic Relationships
While Gottman's research focused on couples, the Four Horsemen show up in all relationships. Parents use them with children. Siblings use them with each other. Coworkers and bosses fall into these patterns too. The antidotes work everywhere. A gentle start-up with your teenager. Taking responsibility with a colleague. Self-soothing before responding to a frustrating email. These skills transfer to every relationship in your life.
The Antidotes at a Glance
Here is a quick reference for each horseman and its antidote:
Quick Reference: Each Horseman and Its Antidote
🔴 Criticism
Attacking character: "You are so lazy."
💚 Gentle Start-Up
"I feel [emotion] about [situation]. I need [request]."
🟠 Contempt
Disgust and superiority: eye-rolling, mocking
💚 Build Appreciation
Express gratitude, respect, and affection daily
🟢 Defensiveness
Excuses and blame: "It is not my fault."
💚 Take Responsibility
"You are right. I am sorry. I will do better."
🔵 Stonewalling
Withdrawing: shutting down, leaving
💚 Self-Soothe & Return
Take a 20-min break, calm down, come back
What to Do When You Catch Yourself Using a Horseman
Nobody is perfect. Even couples with great communication skills sometimes slip into horseman patterns. What matters is catching yourself and repairing.
In the Moment
If you catch yourself mid-horseman:
Stop. Take a breath.
Acknowledge it. "I just criticized you. That was not fair. Let me try again."
Repair. Use the antidote. Start over with a gentle approach.
After the Conflict
If you realize you used a horseman after the fight:
Come back. Do not pretend it did not happen.
Take responsibility. "I was really contemptuous earlier. That was wrong, and I am sorry."
Reconnect. Ask what your partner needs to feel better.
Repair attempts are one of the strongest predictors of relationship success. It is not about never making mistakes. It is about how quickly you recover from them.
Repair Scripts: What to Say After a Horseman Appears
Copy these to recover from conflict
After Criticism:
"I just criticized you. That was not fair. What I meant to say was how I was feeling. Let me try again."
After Contempt:
"I was disrespectful just now. You did not deserve that. I am sorry. Can we start over?"
After Defensiveness:
"I was being defensive. You had a valid point. I am sorry for not hearing you."
After Stonewalling:
"I shut down earlier and that was not okay. I was overwhelmed but I should have told you I needed a break. I am ready to talk now."
Remember: Repair attempts predict relationship success better than avoiding mistakes entirely.
What If Only One Partner Is Willing to Change?
This is one of the most common questions we hear. You have recognized the horsemen in your relationship, but your partner does not see the problem. Or they are not interested in changing. What then?
Here is the truth: you cannot control your partner's behavior. But you can still make a significant impact.
When one partner consistently uses the antidotes, several things happen:
First, you break the cycle. The horsemen cascade because each one triggers the next. If you stop responding to criticism with defensiveness and instead take responsibility, you interrupt the pattern. Your partner may still criticize, but without your defensiveness to fuel it, the argument often loses steam.
Second, you model something different. When you use gentle start-ups instead of criticism, your partner experiences what healthy communication feels like. Over time, they may begin to mirror it, even without consciously deciding to change.
Third, you protect yourself. Using the antidotes keeps you from saying things you will regret. It keeps your nervous system calmer. It prevents the resentment that builds when you participate in destructive patterns.
That said, there are limits to what one person can do alone. If your partner is consistently contemptuous and shows no willingness to change, the relationship may not be sustainable. Contempt especially requires both partners to address it.
If you are the only one willing to work on these patterns, couples therapy can help. A therapist can often reach a resistant partner in ways you cannot. Sometimes hearing feedback from a neutral third party makes all the difference.
What You Can Control
- Your start-ups: Begin with "I feel..." instead of "You always..."
- Your responses: Take responsibility instead of defending
- Your breaks: Call timeouts before flooding
- Your repairs: Acknowledge when you slip up
When the Four Horsemen Have Taken Over
What if the horsemen have become your normal? What if contempt has poisoned your relationship and you cannot remember the last conversation that did not include criticism?
First, know that it is not too late. Even couples with entrenched horseman patterns can change with commitment and often professional help.
Signs you may need couples therapy:
The horsemen appear in most of your conflicts
Contempt has become common
You have tried to change these patterns on your own without success
You feel more like enemies than partners
You have stopped trying to resolve issues at all
One or both of you has considered ending the relationship
A trained couples therapist can help you:
See your patterns from outside the relationship
Learn new communication skills tailored to your specific dynamics
Heal underlying wounds driving the horsemen
Rebuild trust and appreciation
Create new habits that stick
If you recognize your relationship in this guide, consider reaching out for couples counseling. For couples who feel particularly stuck, a couples counseling intensive can create breakthrough progress faster than traditional weekly sessions.
Signs the Four Horsemen Have Taken Over
Check any that apply
If you checked 2 or more, professional help can break these patterns.
Schedule a Free Consultation →Frequently Asked Questions About the Four Horsemen
Common Questions About the Four Horsemen
What is the difference between a complaint and criticism?
A complaint addresses a specific behavior: "I was upset when you did not call to say you would be late." A criticism attacks your partner's character: "You never think about anyone but yourself. You are so inconsiderate." Complaints are healthy and necessary in relationships. Criticism triggers defensiveness and escalates conflict. The difference is whether you are talking about what they did or who they are.
Are the Four Horsemen the same as emotional abuse?
The Four Horsemen and emotional abuse are not the same thing, though they can overlap. Most couples use the horsemen occasionally during conflict. This is normal and does not mean your relationship is abusive. However, when contempt becomes a constant pattern, when one partner systematically tears down the other's self-worth, or when the horsemen are used as tools of control rather than expressions of frustration, the line into emotional abuse may be crossed. The key difference is intent and pattern. Occasional criticism during a fight is a communication problem. Constant contempt designed to make your partner feel worthless is abuse.
How long does it take to stop using the Four Horsemen?
Breaking horseman patterns typically takes several months of consistent practice. Most couples report noticing improvement within four to eight weeks of actively using the antidotes. However, deeply ingrained patterns, especially contempt that has built over years, may take longer to fully shift. The goal is not perfection. Even couples who have mastered healthy communication still slip into horseman patterns occasionally, especially when stressed. What changes is how quickly you catch yourself, repair, and return to connection. Progress usually looks like using the horsemen less frequently and recovering from them faster.
What is the difference between stonewalling and needing space?
The difference is communication and commitment to return. Stonewalling is shutting down without warning, refusing to engage, and leaving your partner feeling abandoned. Needing space is saying, "I am feeling overwhelmed and need 20 minutes to calm down. I want to finish this conversation, so let us come back to it at 7." Healthy space-taking includes naming what is happening, giving a timeframe, and following through on returning. Stonewalling includes none of these. One protects the relationship while managing your nervous system. The other damages the relationship by leaving your partner in emotional limbo.
Which of the Four Horsemen is the worst?
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt communicates disgust and superiority toward your partner. It includes eye-rolling, mocking, sneering, and name-calling. Research shows that contempt is so harmful it even predicts how many infectious illnesses the recipient will have. While all four horsemen are damaging, contempt requires the most urgent attention.
Can a relationship survive the Four Horsemen?
Yes, relationships can survive and even thrive after the Four Horsemen have been present. The key is learning to replace each horseman with its antidote: gentle start-ups instead of criticism, appreciation instead of contempt, responsibility instead of defensiveness, and self-soothing instead of stonewalling. Many couples need professional help to break entrenched patterns, but with commitment and the right tools, change is absolutely possible.
How accurate is Gottman's divorce prediction?
Dr. John Gottman's research found he could predict divorce with 94% accuracy by observing couples discuss conflict for just 15 minutes. This prediction is based on the presence and intensity of the Four Horsemen, along with other factors like the ratio of positive to negative interactions. The research has been replicated and validated across multiple studies over 40 years with thousands of couples.
What is the antidote to stonewalling?
The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing. When you feel flooded during conflict, take a break of at least 20 minutes to calm your nervous system. Tell your partner you need a break, commit to a specific time to return, and actually come back to continue the conversation. During the break, do calming activities like walking, deep breathing, or listening to music. Do not spend the time rehearsing the argument.
Is defensiveness always bad in relationships?
Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked, but it is counterproductive in relationships. When you defend yourself, you send the message that your partner's concerns do not matter. This makes them feel unheard and typically escalates the conflict. The alternative is taking responsibility for whatever piece of the situation you can honestly own. Even a small acknowledgment like "You are right, I did forget" can completely change the direction of a conversation.
Communication Cluster: Related Guides
This article is part of our relationship communication series. For deeper dives into specific topics:
How to Communicate Better With Your Partner: 25 Expert Tips – The complete guide to healthy relationship communication
Stonewalling in Relationships: Why Partners Shut Down & How to Stop – Deep dive into the fourth horseman
Pursuer-Withdrawer Pattern: Why One Chases and One Runs – Understanding the cycle that traps couples
Fair Fighting Rules for Couples: 16 Ground Rules for Arguments – How to argue without damaging your relationship
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions – The issues most couples face and how to address them
For practical tools, download our free therapy resources and worksheets.
Starving the Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen do not have to destroy your relationship. Now that you know what they look like and how to counter them, you have the power to choose differently.
Start with awareness. Notice when a horseman shows up. Name it in your head: "That was criticism." Just noticing interrupts the automatic pattern.
Then practice the antidotes. Use gentle start-ups. Build appreciation. Take responsibility. Call timeouts before flooding takes over.
You will not be perfect. The horsemen will still show up sometimes, especially when you are stressed or tired. That is okay. What matters is the overall direction. Are you feeding the horsemen or starving them?
Every conversation is a choice. Every conflict is an opportunity to practice something different.
Your relationship is worth protecting from these destructive patterns. And you are more capable of change than you might believe.
Save This: Four Horsemen Quick Reference
Screenshot or print for when you need it
🔴 Criticism → Use "I feel... I need..." instead
🟠 Contempt → Express appreciation daily (5:1 ratio)
🟢 Defensiveness → Take responsibility: "You're right. I'm sorry."
🔵 Stonewalling → Take 20-min break, then return
Remember: Catch it, name it, use the antidote, repair if needed.
Ready to Defeat the Four Horsemen?
Our Gottman-trained therapists help couples replace destructive patterns with communication that actually works.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the greater South Denver area.
In-person and telehealth sessions available.
This article was written by Kayla Crane, LMFT, lead couples therapist at South Denver Therapy. Kayla is trained in the Gottman Method and specializes in helping couples break destructive communication patterns. Last Updated in December 2025
