Stonewalling in Relationships: Why Partners Shut Down and How to Stop
You are mid sentence, trying to explain how you feel, and your partner just... checks out.
Their face goes blank. They stare at the wall. Maybe they pick up their phone or walk into another room. You are left standing there, talking to no one.
This is stonewalling. And if it is happening in your relationship, you already know how painful it is.
The partner who gets stonewalled feels invisible. Abandoned. Like they do not matter enough to even get a response.
The partner who stonewalls often feels overwhelmed, attacked, or like nothing they say will make things better anyway. So they shut down to survive.
Here is the hard truth: stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen of relationships, the patterns that predict divorce with 93% accuracy according to Dr. John Gottman's research. Left unchecked, stonewalling can destroy even the strongest relationships.
But here is the good news: stonewalling is a pattern, not a personality trait. And patterns can change.
This guide explains why stonewalling happens, how to recognize it, and seven practical ways to stop the cycle before it damages your relationship beyond repair. Not sure if you're stonewalling? Take our free stonewalling quiz to find out.
What You Will Learn
What Is Stonewalling in Relationships?
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from a conversation and refuses to engage. The name comes from the image of talking to a stone wall. No matter what you say, you get nothing back.
Stonewalling can look different depending on the person:
Giving one word answers or grunts
Refusing to make eye contact
Physically leaving the room mid conversation
Pretending to be busy with something else
Saying "I do not want to talk about this" and shutting down
Going completely silent and expressionless
Scrolling through their phone while you talk
Changing the subject to avoid the issue
What Stonewalling Sounds Like
Real examples from therapy sessions
Partner A:
"I really need to talk about what happened at dinner with your mom. It hurt my feelings when she criticized me and you did not say anything."
Partner B (stonewalling):
*Keeps scrolling phone* "Mm-hmm."
Partner A:
"Are you even listening? This is important to me. Can we please talk about it?"
Partner B (stonewalling):
*Gets up and walks to another room without a word*
Partner A:
"I have been trying to talk to you about the budget for three days. When can we discuss this?"
Partner B (stonewalling):
"I do not want to talk about this." *Stares at TV*
Notice the pattern: Partner A reaches out, Partner B refuses to engage. The conversation cannot move forward.
Sometimes stonewalling is obvious. Your partner walks out and slams the door. Other times it is subtle. They are physically present but emotionally gone. Their eyes are open but nobody is home.
Either way, the message received is the same: "You are not worth responding to."
🚫 Stonewalling vs ✓ Healthy Space
Know the difference
🚫 Stonewalling Looks Like:
- Walking out without explanation
- Going silent with no end in sight
- Refusing to acknowledge the issue exists
- Punishing with the silent treatment
- Pretending you did not hear them
- Never returning to the conversation
✓ Healthy Space Looks Like:
- Explaining you need a break
- Giving a specific time to return
- Acknowledging the issue matters
- Using the break to calm down
- Actually coming back as promised
- Re-engaging when you are ready
The key difference: Healthy breaks include a commitment to return. Stonewalling leaves your partner abandoned.
Why Stonewalling Predicts Divorce
Stonewalling is not just frustrating. It is dangerous for relationships.
Dr. John Gottman at The Gottman Institute spent over 40 years studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. His research identified stonewalling as one of the four communication patterns most likely to end a relationship.
What Research Says About Stonewalling
Sources: The Gottman Institute, Journal of Marriage and Family
Why is stonewalling so harmful? Several reasons:
It blocks resolution. When one partner shuts down, the conversation stops. The issue never gets addressed. Problems pile up unresolved, creating distance and resentment over time.
It triggers abandonment wounds. For the partner being stonewalled, the silent treatment can feel like emotional abandonment. It activates deep fears of rejection and being unlovable.
It creates a vicious cycle. The more one partner stonewalls, the more the other partner pursues. The more they pursue, the more the stonewaller withdraws. This is called the pursuer withdrawer pattern, and it traps couples in an exhausting dance.
It erodes trust. When your partner repeatedly refuses to engage with your concerns, you stop believing they care about your feelings. Trust crumbles piece by piece.
It replaces connection with contempt. Over time, the pursuing partner's frustration can turn into contempt. And contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
When a partner stonewalls, they are not trying to hurt you. Their nervous system has hijacked their ability to stay present. The problem is that your nervous system reads their shutdown as abandonment. Both of you end up in survival mode, and neither can reach the other. That is why this pattern is so destructive. It is two people drowning, unable to save each other.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Lead Couples Therapist, South Denver Therapy
Stonewalling does not just damage your relationship. It damages your body.
Research shows that both the person who stonewalls and the person being stonewalled experience physical health effects over time.
Physical Health Effects of Stonewalling
Relationship patterns affect your body
Elevated Cortisol
Chronic stress hormone release
High Blood Pressure
Cardiovascular strain
Muscle Tension
Back, neck, and shoulder pain
Sleep Problems
Insomnia and poor sleep quality
Weakened Immunity
More frequent illness
Depression & Anxiety
Mental health decline
Sources: Journal of Marriage and Family, Psychosomatic Medicine
Why Partners Stonewall: Understanding the Shutting Down Response
Here is something most people do not understand: stonewalling usually is not a choice. It is a survival response.
When we feel overwhelmed, criticized, or emotionally flooded, our nervous system can flip into a protective mode. This is called physiological flooding, and it makes conversation nearly impossible.
What Happens During Emotional Flooding
When your partner shuts down, their body is in survival mode
Heart rate spikes above 100 BPM
The body prepares for fight or flight
Prefrontal cortex goes offline
Logic and reasoning become impossible
Freeze response activates
Shutting down feels like the only option
Recovery takes 20+ minutes
The body cannot return to baseline faster
This is why you cannot "just talk it out" when your partner is flooded. Their brain literally cannot process what you are saying.
During flooding, the logical part of your brain goes offline. Your body prepares for danger. In this state, you literally cannot think clearly, process complex information, or respond thoughtfully.
Stonewalling is often the freeze response. When fight and flight feel impossible, we freeze. We go numb. We shut down to protect ourselves from feeling more overwhelmed.
Common Reasons People Stonewall
They are emotionally flooded. Their heart rate spikes above 100 beats per minute. Their body is in survival mode. Talking feels impossible.
They learned it growing up. Maybe silence was the norm in their family. Maybe they were punished for expressing emotions. Shutting down became the safest option.
They feel attacked. When conversations feel like criticism or blame, stonewalling can feel like the only way to stop the attack.
They do not know what to say. Some people shut down because they genuinely do not know how to express what they feel. They go silent not from malice, but from a lack of emotional vocabulary.
They fear making things worse. They believe anything they say will be wrong, so saying nothing feels safer.
They have an avoidant attachment style. People with avoidant attachment learned early in life that closeness is dangerous. Withdrawing feels like self protection.
Understanding why your partner stonewalls does not excuse the behavior. But it helps you see them as struggling rather than deliberately cruel. This shift in perspective opens the door to compassion and change.
Why Do You (or Your Partner) Stonewall?
Check the reasons that resonate most
Understanding the why behind stonewalling helps you address the root cause, not just the symptom.
Take the Full Stonewalling Assessment
Our free 10-question quiz helps you identify your shutdown triggers and gives you a personalized plan for staying present during conflict.
Take the Free Quiz →Signs of Stonewalling in Your Relationship
Stonewalling is not always dramatic. Sometimes it sneaks into a relationship gradually. Here are signs to watch for:
In Your Partner
They go silent during disagreements
Their face becomes expressionless or blank
They avoid eye contact when you try to discuss issues
They physically leave conversations without explanation
They say "fine" or "whatever" and refuse to elaborate
They busy themselves with distractions when you try to talk
They give you the silent treatment for hours or days
They dismiss your concerns with "I do not want to talk about this"
In Yourself
You might be the one who stonewalls if:
You feel overwhelmed quickly during conflict
You zone out when your partner is upset
You find yourself wanting to escape difficult conversations
You shut down when you feel criticized
You go numb rather than feel strong emotions
You struggle to find words during arguments
You need long periods of silence after disagreements
In Your Relationship Dynamic
The same issues come up repeatedly without resolution
One of you pursues while the other withdraws
Conversations escalate quickly or end abruptly
You feel like you are walking on eggshells
There is more silence than connection
You have stopped bringing up issues because it never goes well
Is Stonewalling a Problem in Your Relationship?
Check all that apply
Scoring:
0-2 checked: Some normal conflict patterns. Focus on prevention.
3-5 checked: Stonewalling is affecting your relationship. Time to make changes.
6+ checked: This pattern is serious. Consider couples therapy.
When Stonewalling Becomes Emotional Abuse
Not all stonewalling is abuse. But sometimes it is.
The difference comes down to intent and pattern.
Unintentional stonewalling happens when someone feels overwhelmed and shuts down as a protective response. They are not trying to hurt you. They genuinely cannot stay present. With awareness and effort, this pattern can change.
Intentional stonewalling is different. This is when someone deliberately uses silence to punish, control, or manipulate their partner. They know the silent treatment hurts, and that is exactly why they do it.
Overwhelm vs Abuse: Know the Difference
😰 Flooding-Based Stonewalling
- Partner seems genuinely overwhelmed
- They shut down during conflict, not as punishment after
- They feel bad about withdrawing
- They are willing to work on the pattern
- Silence ends when they calm down
- They eventually return to the conversation
🚨 Abusive Stonewalling
- Silent treatment used as deliberate punishment
- They seem calm and in control while ignoring you
- Silence lasts for days with no explanation
- They enjoy watching you struggle for a response
- Stonewalling is paired with other controlling behaviors
- They refuse to acknowledge the pattern is harmful
If stonewalling is combined with threats, isolation, financial control, or physical intimidation, this is abuse. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Signs stonewalling has crossed into emotional abuse:
Your partner uses silence specifically to punish you after you express a need
They seem calm and in control while ignoring you, not overwhelmed
The silent treatment lasts for days without any explanation or return
They refuse to acknowledge that stonewalling is a problem
Stonewalling is paired with other controlling behaviors like monitoring, isolation, or threats
You feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their withdrawal
They gaslight you about the stonewalling: "I was not ignoring you, you are being dramatic"
If you recognize these patterns, the issue may be bigger than a communication problem. Individual therapy can help you understand what you are experiencing and make decisions about the relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect.
The Pursuer Withdrawer Cycle
Stonewalling rarely happens in isolation. It usually exists within a larger pattern called the pursuer withdrawer cycle.
Here is how it works:
One partner (the pursuer) wants to talk, connect, or resolve an issue. They approach their partner with a concern.
The other partner (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed by the approach. They pull back, go quiet, or shut down.
The pursuer feels abandoned by this withdrawal. So they pursue harder. They ask more questions, express more frustration, or follow their partner around the house trying to get a response.
The withdrawer feels even more overwhelmed by the increased pursuit. So they withdraw even more.
And the cycle continues. Neither partner gets what they need. Both feel exhausted and alone.
The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle
70% of couples get stuck in this pattern
"We need to talk about this..."
Goes silent, leaves, or checks out
"Why won't you talk to me?!"
Complete shutdown or leaves physically
Breaking the cycle: The pursuer slows down. The withdrawer stays engaged or returns after a break. Both stop the pattern together.
Research shows about 70% of couples fall into some version of this pattern. Usually, but not always, the pursuer is the woman and the withdrawer is the man. This is partly biological (men's cardiovascular systems are more reactive to stress) and partly socialized (men are often taught to suppress emotions).
Breaking this cycle requires both partners to change. The pursuer needs to approach more softly and give space. The withdrawer needs to stay engaged and come back to conversations instead of disappearing.
7 Ways to Stop Stonewalling in Your Relationship
Stonewalling is a pattern, and patterns can change. Here are seven strategies that actually work.
1. Learn to Recognize When You Are Flooded
The first step to stopping stonewalling is catching it before it happens.
Pay attention to your body. Notice when your heart starts racing, your jaw tightens, your shoulders rise, or your stomach knots. These are signs that flooding is coming.
You cannot think clearly when flooded. Trying to continue a conversation in this state will only make things worse.
When you notice flooding, name it out loud: "I am starting to feel overwhelmed." This simple act can slow down the escalation.
2. Take Breaks the Right Way
Taking a break is not the same as stonewalling. The difference is how you do it.
Stonewalling sounds like: Walking out without a word. "I am done talking." Silence and a slammed door.
A healthy break sounds like: "I am feeling flooded and I need 20 minutes to calm down. I want to finish this conversation. Can we come back to it at 7?"
The key elements of a healthy break:
You name what is happening ("I am overwhelmed")
You commit to returning ("Let us talk again in 20 minutes")
You give a specific time frame
You actually come back
During the break, do something that genuinely calms your nervous system. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Breathe deeply. Do not spend the time building your case or stewing in resentment.
Research shows you need at least 20 minutes for your body to return to baseline after flooding. Do not try to continue the conversation before you are truly calm. For more on healthy conflict protocols, see our guide to fair fighting rules for couples.
How to Take a Break Without Stonewalling
Copy these exact words
Say This:
"I am starting to feel overwhelmed, and I do not want to say something I will regret. Can we take a 20-minute break? I promise I will come back and we can continue this conversation."
3. Start Conversations Softly
Many stonewalling episodes start because the conversation began with criticism or blame. The withdrawer immediately feels attacked and shuts down.
Learning to bring up issues gently can prevent stonewalling before it starts. This is called a soft startup.
Instead of: "You never help around here. What is wrong with you?"
Try: "I have been feeling overwhelmed with the housework lately. Can we talk about how to divide things differently?"
The first version attacks character. The second shares a feeling and makes a request. The difference in your partner's response will be dramatic.
For more on this, read our guide to how to communicate better in relationships.
I tell my couples: the first three minutes of a conversation predict the outcome. If you start with criticism, your partner's brain hears danger. They cannot help but shut down. But if you start soft, if you lead with your own feelings instead of their failures, you give their nervous system permission to stay engaged. The same issue, brought up differently, gets a completely different response.
Kayla Crane, LMFT
Lead Couples Therapist, South Denver Therapy
4. Build a Culture of Appreciation
Couples who stonewall often live in a negative environment. There is more criticism than appreciation. More complaints than compliments.
Gottman's research found that happy couples maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. When this ratio flips, stonewalling and other destructive patterns take over.
Start rebuilding positivity:
Say thank you for small things
Notice what your partner does right
Express affection daily
Show interest in their day
Give genuine compliments
This does not solve stonewalling directly. But it changes the emotional climate so difficult conversations feel less threatening.
5. Use Self Soothing Techniques
If you are the partner who stonewalls, learning to manage your nervous system is a game changer.
Self soothing techniques help you stay present when your body wants to shut down:
Deep breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6
Grounding: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch
Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group
Cold water: Splash cold water on your face to activate the dive reflex
Movement: Shake out your body to release tension
Practice these techniques when you are calm so they are available when you need them. For more skills, explore our guide to DBT skills for emotional regulation.
5 Self-Soothing Techniques for Flooding
Use these during your 20-minute break
Box Breathing
Inhale 4 counts → Hold 4 counts → Exhale 4 counts → Hold 4 counts. Repeat 5 times.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
Name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
Cold Water
Splash cold water on your face. This activates the dive reflex and calms your nervous system.
Movement
Take a walk around the block. Physical movement helps discharge stress hormones.
Distraction (Briefly)
Read something calming, listen to music, or do a simple task. Do NOT rehearse the argument.
⚠️ Important: Do not use the break to build your case or stew in resentment. Focus only on calming down.
6. Understand Your Attachment Style
Your attachment style shapes how you respond to conflict. Understanding it can help you change your patterns.
People with avoidant attachment are more likely to stonewall. They learned early that closeness is dangerous, so they withdraw when things get intense.
People with anxious attachment are more likely to pursue. They learned that connection requires effort, so they chase when their partner pulls away.
Take our attachment style quiz to learn your style. Then work on the growth areas specific to your pattern.
7. Get Professional Help
Some patterns are too entrenched to change on your own. If stonewalling has become your default, working with a couples therapist can help.
A trained therapist can:
Help you see the pattern from outside
Teach communication skills specific to your relationship
Create safety for difficult conversations
Address underlying issues driving the stonewalling
Help heal attachment wounds
If you have been trying to fix stonewalling on your own without success, it may be time for couples counseling. For couples who feel particularly stuck, a couples counseling intensive can create breakthrough progress faster than weekly sessions.
Signs You Need Professional Help
Check any that apply
If you checked 2 or more, couples therapy can help break this pattern.
Schedule a Free Consultation →What to Do If Your Partner Stonewalls You
If you are the one being stonewalled, here is how to respond:
Do Not Chase
Chasing a stonewalling partner makes things worse. It increases their overwhelm and reinforces the pursuer withdrawer cycle.
When your partner shuts down, give them space. You can say: "I can see you need a break. Let us come back to this in an hour."
This is incredibly hard when you feel abandoned. But chasing will not get you the connection you want.
Check Your Approach
Sometimes we do not realize how our approach triggers our partner. Are you starting conversations with criticism? Bringing things up at bad times? Piling on multiple complaints at once?
This is not about blaming yourself. It is about taking responsibility for your part in the dynamic.
Express Your Needs Clearly
Instead of criticizing the stonewalling, express what you need.
Instead of: "You always shut down. You are so emotionally unavailable."
Try: "When you go silent, I feel alone and scared. I need to know that we will come back to this conversation. Can you tell me when you will be ready to talk?"
Take Care of Yourself
Being repeatedly stonewalled is painful. Make sure you have support outside the relationship. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. Do not isolate yourself with the hurt.
What to Say When Your Partner Stonewalls
Copy these scripts
✓ Instead of chasing:
"I can see you need some space. Let's come back to this in an hour. I love you."
✓ Instead of attacking:
"When you go silent, I feel scared and alone. I need to know we will come back to this."
✓ Instead of demanding:
"I understand this is hard. When you are ready, I am here. Just let me know when."
✗ Avoid saying:
"Why won't you talk to me?" "You always do this!" "Fine, I give up."
Remember: Chasing makes them withdraw more. Give space while keeping the door open.
Repairing After Stonewalling
When stonewalling happens, repair is possible. Here is how:
For the partner who stonewalled:
Come back to the conversation once you are calm. Do not pretend it did not happen. Say something like: "I am sorry I shut down earlier. I was overwhelmed and I did not handle it well. I am ready to talk now if you are."
For the partner who was stonewalled:
When your partner returns, try to welcome them back. Punishing them for coming back will make them less likely to return next time. You can express that the stonewalling hurt while still appreciating that they came back.
Together:
Talk about the pattern itself, not just the content of the argument. "We got stuck in that cycle again. What can we do differently next time?"
Repair does not mean the stonewalling was okay. It means you are committed to doing better and staying connected despite imperfection.
Repair Scripts: What to Say After Stonewalling
Copy these to reconnect after shutdown
If You Were the One Who Stonewalled:
"I am sorry I shut down earlier. I was overwhelmed and I did not handle it well. I am ready to talk now if you are."
"I know it hurts when I go quiet. I am working on staying present. Can we try again?"
"I did not mean to leave you hanging. I got flooded and could not think clearly. What I should have said was that I needed a break and would come back."
If You Were the One Being Stonewalled:
"Thank you for coming back. I know that was hard for you. I felt really alone when you went quiet, but I am glad we can try again."
"I appreciate you returning. Next time, can you tell me you need space instead of just shutting down? That would help me not feel abandoned."
"I want to understand what happened for you. Can you help me see what was going on inside when you shut down?"
Frequently Asked Questions About Stonewalling
Common Questions About Stonewalling
Is stonewalling emotional abuse?
Stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse when it is used deliberately and repeatedly to punish, control, or manipulate a partner. However, most stonewalling is not intentionally abusive. It is often a protective response to feeling overwhelmed. The key difference is intent and pattern. If your partner uses silence to punish you and control the relationship, that is abusive. If they shut down because they are flooded and do not know how to cope, that is a skill deficit that can be addressed with help.
Is the silent treatment the same as stonewalling?
Yes and no. Stonewalling and the silent treatment both involve withdrawing from communication, but they come from different places. Stonewalling typically happens during conflict when someone feels flooded and shuts down involuntarily. The silent treatment is usually deliberate punishment that happens after conflict to make the other person suffer. Both are harmful to relationships, but the silent treatment tends to be more intentional and can be a form of emotional abuse when used to control or manipulate a partner.
Can introverts stonewall without meaning to?
Introverts may need more time to process before responding, which can look like stonewalling to their partner. The key difference is communication. Healthy introverted processing includes telling your partner you need time to think, giving a timeframe for when you will be ready to talk, and actually returning to the conversation. If an introvert goes silent without explanation and leaves their partner feeling abandoned, that crosses into stonewalling territory regardless of intent. The solution is the same: communicate what you need and commit to returning.
What is the difference between stonewalling and gaslighting?
Stonewalling and gaslighting are different behaviors, but they can occur together. Stonewalling is withdrawing from conversation and refusing to engage. Gaslighting is making someone question their own reality or perceptions. They overlap when a stonewalling partner denies that the stonewalling is happening: "I was not ignoring you, you are imagining things" or "You are too sensitive, I just needed space." This combination is particularly damaging because it leaves you confused about what is real. If your partner regularly denies behavior you clearly witnessed, this is a red flag that goes beyond communication issues.
Why do men stonewall more than women?
Research shows that about 85% of stonewallers are men. This happens for both biological and social reasons. Biologically, men's cardiovascular systems tend to be more reactive to stress, making them flood faster and take longer to calm down. Socially, many men are raised to suppress emotions and may lack the vocabulary to express what they feel. When overwhelmed, shutting down becomes the default. This is not an excuse for stonewalling, but understanding it can help couples approach the pattern with more compassion.
How long should a break be during an argument?
Research shows you need at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to return to baseline after flooding. Some people need 30 minutes or more. The break should be long enough to genuinely calm down, but not so long that it becomes avoidance. A good rule: take 20 to 30 minutes, then check in with yourself. If you are still activated, extend the break and communicate that to your partner. Always return when you said you would or give an update if you need more time.
What if my partner refuses to stop stonewalling?
If your partner is unwilling to address stonewalling, you have limited options, but you are not powerless. First, focus on what you can control: your own approach, your own reactions, and your own self care. Second, clearly express your needs without attacking. Third, consider individual therapy to help you cope and decide what boundaries you need. Finally, if stonewalling continues to damage the relationship despite your efforts, you may need to evaluate whether the relationship can be healthy without your partner's participation in change.
Can a relationship recover from years of stonewalling?
Yes, recovery is possible, but it requires commitment from both partners. Long term stonewalling creates deep wounds of abandonment and resentment that take time to heal. Couples therapy is usually necessary to break patterns this entrenched. Both partners need to learn new skills: the stonewaller learns to stay engaged or take healthy breaks, while the other partner learns to approach more softly and give space. With consistent effort and professional support, even couples with years of stonewalling can rebuild connection and trust.
Related Resources
This article is part of our communication and conflict resolution series. Explore these related guides:
How to Communicate Better With Your Partner: 25 Expert Tips – The complete guide to improving communication in your relationship
The Four Horsemen of Relationships That Predict Divorce – Understanding all four destructive patterns and their antidotes
The Pursuer Withdrawer Pattern: Why One Chases and One Runs – Breaking the cycle that keeps couples stuck
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions – Addressing the issues most couples face
Avoidant Attachment Style – Understanding the attachment pattern behind withdrawal
For practical tools, download our free therapy resources and worksheets.
Breaking the Stonewalling Pattern Starts Today
Stonewalling does not have to be the end of your relationship. It is a signal that something needs to change, not proof that things are hopeless.
If you recognize stonewalling in your relationship, start small. Pick one strategy from this guide. Practice it for a week. Then add another.
The pursuer can practice giving space instead of chasing. The withdrawer can practice staying engaged or returning after breaks. Together, you can build new patterns that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart.
Change takes time. You will not be perfect. Old patterns will resurface when you are stressed or tired. That is normal.
What matters is the direction you are moving. Are you trying? Are you repairing? Are you learning?
Your relationship is worth the effort. And you are more capable of change than you might believe.
Save This: Stonewalling Quick Reference
Screenshot or print for when you need it
🛑 When You Feel Like Shutting Down:
"I am overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes. I will come back."
💨 During Your Break:
Breathe, walk, cold water on face. Do NOT rehearse the fight.
🔙 When You Return:
"Sorry I shut down. I am ready to try again."
👫 If Your Partner Shuts Down:
"I see you need space. Let me know when you are ready."
⏱️ Remember:
20 min minimum to calm down. Always return when promised.
Ready to Break the Stonewalling Pattern?
Our couples therapists in Castle Rock help partners stop the pursue-withdraw cycle and rebuild real connection.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the greater South Denver area.
In-person and telehealth sessions available.
This article was written by Kayla Crane, LMFT, lead couples therapist at South Denver Therapy. Kayla specializes in helping couples break destructive communication patterns and rebuild connection. Last Updated: December 2025
