12 Gottman Exercises for Couples That Actually Work (Backed by 40+ Years of Research)
Which Gottman Exercises Are Right for You?
Match your situation to the best exercises below
You're not fighting, but you're not connecting either. The spark feels dim.
Small disagreements blow up. Conversations turn into fights quickly.
One topic keeps coming back. You never seem to resolve it.
Things are solid. You want to strengthen what you have.
Work, kids, money—outside pressure is taking a toll on you both.
Not sure? Start with Love Maps and Turning Toward Bids—they work for every couple.
My husband and I sat across from each other at dinner the other night, both scrolling our phones. We weren't fighting. We weren't unhappy. We just... weren't connecting.
Sound familiar?
Here's the thing. Dr. John Gottman has spent over 40 years studying what makes relationships work—and what makes them fail. He's observed over 3,000 couples in his famous "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. And he discovered something surprising:
It's not the big romantic gestures that keep couples together. It's the small daily moments.
The exercises below come directly from his research. These are the same techniques used in couples counseling sessions around the world. And the best part? You can do them at home, starting tonight.
Key Takeaways
- The Gottman Method is backed by 40+ years of research studying over 3,000 couples
- Small daily moments matter more than grand romantic gestures for relationship health
- The 5:1 ratio: Happy couples have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative
- The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) predict divorce—but each has an antidote
- Turning toward bids: Couples who stay together respond to connection attempts 86% of the time
- All 12 exercises can be done at home without a therapist
What Is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Unlike other approaches based on theory alone, the Gottman Method comes from direct observation of real couples over decades.
Their research found that successful couples share specific habits and skills. They also identified four communication patterns—called The Four Horsemen—that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.
The good news? All of these skills can be learned. The exercises below are the same ones therapists use in sessions. With practice, they become second nature.
The Research Behind the Gottman Method
Source: The Gottman Institute
The Sound Relationship House: Understanding the Framework
Before diving into specific exercises, it helps to understand how the Gottmans organize healthy relationships. They use a model called the Sound Relationship House.
Think of your relationship like a house. It has seven floors, and two load-bearing walls that hold everything up.
The Two Walls:
Trust
Commitment
The Seven Floors (from bottom to top):
Build Love Maps (know your partner's inner world)
Share Fondness and Admiration
Turn Toward Instead of Away
The Positive Perspective
Manage Conflict
Make Life Dreams Come True
Create Shared Meaning
Each floor builds on the one below it. You can't manage conflict well if you don't have fondness and admiration. You can't have a positive perspective if you're constantly turning away from your partner.
The exercises below strengthen different floors of your relationship house.
The Sound Relationship House
Each floor builds on the one below it
The two "walls" that hold up the entire structure
Exercise 1: Love Maps (Know Your Partner's Inner World)
Time: 15-20 minutes | Difficulty: Easy | Best For: All couples
A "Love Map" is your mental picture of your partner's inner world. It includes their hopes, fears, stressors, dreams, and day-to-day experiences.
Gottman's research found that couples with detailed Love Maps are better equipped to handle stress and conflict. Why? Because they actually know who their partner is—not who they were five years ago.
How to do it:
Download the free Gottman Card Decks app (available on iOS and Android)
Choose the "Love Maps" deck
Take turns asking questions like:
"What are you most worried about right now?"
"Who has been your closest friend lately?"
"What's been on your mind this week?"
"What's your biggest dream right now?"
The goal is to listen with curiosity, not to fix or advise
Why it works: Your partner's inner world changes constantly. Even if you've been together 20 years, there's always more to learn. Make Love Map conversations a regular habit—not just a one-time exercise.
💭 Love Map Questions to Ask Your Partner
Tip: Download the free Gottman Card Decks app for hundreds more questions
Exercise 2: The 6-Second Kiss
Time: 6 seconds, twice daily | Difficulty: Easy | Best For: Reconnecting busy couples
This one sounds almost too simple to work. But Gottman calls a six-second kiss "a kiss with potential." It's long enough to actually feel something—and short enough to fit into any morning or evening.
Most couples kiss for about one second. That's a peck. A six-second kiss requires you to stop, be present, and connect.
How to do it:
When you leave for the day or come home, stop what you're doing
Face your partner and make eye contact
Kiss for a full six seconds (count in your head if you need to)
No multitasking. No thinking about your to-do list.
Why it works: Physical affection releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. A six-second kiss twice a day takes 12 seconds total but keeps physical intimacy alive even during busy seasons.
If you feel disconnected from your partner, you might want to take this quiz to assess where your relationship stands.
The 6-Second Kiss
A "kiss with potential" — Gottman's simplest daily ritual
"Most couples kiss for about 1 second. That's a peck. A 6-second kiss requires you to stop, be present, and connect."
Exercise 3: Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Time: Ongoing | Difficulty: Medium | Best For: Couples who feel like roommates
This is one of the most important concepts in the Gottman Method.
A "bid" is any attempt your partner makes to connect with you. It might be obvious ("Can we talk?") or subtle (a sigh, a comment about their day, reaching for your hand).
You have three choices when your partner makes a bid:
Turn toward — engage with interest ("What's wrong?" "Tell me more.")
Turn away — ignore or miss the bid (keep scrolling your phone)
Turn against — respond with irritation ("Can't you see I'm busy?")
Gottman's research is striking here. In his studies of newlyweds:
Couples who stayed married turned toward each other 86% of the time
Couples who divorced turned toward only 33% of the time
How to do it:
For the next 24 hours, notice your partner's bids. They might say things like:
"Look at this!"
"How was your day?"
"Did you hear about...?"
Sigh
Reaching for physical contact
Each time, consciously turn toward. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Ask a follow-up question.
At the end of the day, reflect: How many bids did you notice? How many did you turn toward?
Why it works: Small daily moments of connection add up. They build trust and emotional security over time.
If you want to see how well you respond to bids, try our Emotional Bids Quiz.
How Do You Respond to Your Partner's Bids?
"Look at this sunset!" → "Wow, that's beautiful. Come sit with me and watch it."
"Look at this sunset!" → *keeps scrolling phone* "Hmm."
"Look at this sunset!" → "I'm trying to relax. Can you stop interrupting me?"
The research: Couples who divorced only turned toward each other 33% of the time. Couples who stayed together? 86%.
"Couples rarely fall apart because of one big fight. It's the thousands of small moments where one partner reached out and the other wasn't paying attention. When we consistently miss those bids, often because we're on our phones, our partner eventually stops reaching out altogether."
Exercise 4: The 5:1 Magic Ratio
Time: Ongoing awareness | Difficulty: Medium | Best For: Couples in conflict
This is one of Gottman's most famous findings.
Happy couples have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction—even during conflict. That's the magic ratio: 5:1.
This doesn't mean avoiding conflict. It means that even when you disagree, the overall tone stays more positive than negative.
Positive interactions include:
Showing interest
Being affectionate
Showing you care
Being appreciative
Showing concern
Being accepting
Joking around
Sharing joy
Negative interactions include:
Being critical
Being defensive
Showing contempt
Stonewalling
How to do it:
Think about your last disagreement. Roughly estimate: Were there more positive moments or negative moments?
Make a conscious effort to increase positives. This could be:
Touching your partner's arm during a disagreement
Saying "I hear you" before sharing your perspective
Finding something to agree with, even in conflict
Track your ratio mentally for one week. Notice patterns.
Important note: If your ratio is 1:1 or lower, that's a warning sign. It may be time to seek professional support.
The Magic Ratio
What predicts whether a relationship will last
Interactions
Interaction
If your ratio drops to 1:1 or lower, that's a warning sign.
Exercise 5: The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
Time: 15-20 minutes to learn | Difficulty: Medium | Best For: Couples who argue frequently
Gottman identified four communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism — attacking your partner's character ("You never think about anyone but yourself.")
Contempt — expressing disgust or superiority (eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm)
Defensiveness — deflecting blame instead of taking responsibility
Stonewalling — shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation
The good news? Each horseman has an antidote.
How to do it:
Learn to recognize the Four Horsemen in your own conversations
When you notice one appearing, pause
Apply the antidote
Example transformation:
Criticism: "You never help around the house. You're so lazy."
Antidote (Gentle Start-Up): "I've been feeling overwhelmed with housework lately. Could we talk about how to divide things up?"
If stonewalling is a pattern in your relationship, take this quiz to understand more about why it happens.
The Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes
These patterns predict divorce with 90%+ accuracy—but each has a cure
"You never think about anyone but yourself. You're so selfish."
"I feel hurt when I'm not considered. I need us to make decisions together."
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, sneering
Daily expressions of gratitude, fondness, admiration, and respect
"That's not my fault! You're the one who always..." (counter-attacking)
"You're right, I did forget. I'm sorry. What can I do to fix it?"
Shutting down, withdrawing, going silent, walking away mid-conversation
"I'm flooded. I need 20 minutes to calm down, then let's continue."
"Contempt is the one I watch for most closely. When I hear eye-rolling, sarcasm, or that dismissive tone, I know we have work to do. But I've seen couples completely turn this around. It starts with rebuilding fondness and admiration. Small daily appreciations can dissolve years of resentment."
Exercise 6: The Softened Start-Up
Time: As needed during conflict | Difficulty: Medium | Best For: Couples who escalate quickly
How you start a conversation predicts how it will end. Gottman's research shows that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a 15-minute conversation based on the first three minutes.
A "harsh start-up" sounds like: "You always..." or "You never..." or "What's wrong with you?"
A "softened start-up" follows this formula:
I feel [emotion] about [specific situation]. I need [positive need].
How to do it:
Start with "I" instead of "You"
Describe the situation factually (no blame)
Express your feelings about it
State what you need in positive terms (what you want, not what you don't want)
Examples:
Instead of: "You never want to spend time with me!"
Try: "I've been feeling lonely lately. I miss us having date nights. Can we plan something this weekend?"
Instead of: "You're always on your phone!"
Try: "I feel disconnected when we're both on our phones during dinner. I'd love to have some screen-free time together."
Why it works: A gentle start-up keeps your partner from getting defensive. When people don't feel attacked, they can actually hear what you're saying.
The Softened Start-Up Formula
"You never want to spend time with me! You're always too busy."
"I've been feeling lonely lately. I miss us having quality time. Can we plan a date night this weekend?"
96% of conversations end the way they start. Start soft.
Exercise 7: The Stress-Reducing Conversation
Time: 20 minutes daily | Difficulty: Easy | Best For: Couples dealing with outside stress
This might be the most underrated Gottman exercise.
Research shows that couples who help each other cope with external stress (work, family, finances) have much stronger relationships. The Stress-Reducing Conversation is a daily ritual where you talk about stress outside the relationship.
The Rules:
This conversation is about external stress only (work, traffic, difficult coworkers—not your relationship)
The listener's job is to understand, not fix
Take your partner's side
Express empathy ("That sounds really frustrating")
Don't give advice unless explicitly asked
How to do it:
Set aside 20 minutes daily (maybe after dinner or before bed)
Take turns. Each person gets 10 minutes to share what's stressing them
The listener practices active listening:
Make eye contact
Nod and use encouraging phrases ("Mm-hmm," "Then what happened?")
Reflect back what you hear
Express empathy
Take your partner's side
What NOT to do:
Don't jump to problem-solving
Don't minimize their stress ("That doesn't sound that bad")
Don't relate it back to your own experience
Don't take the side of the person they're complaining about
Why it works: When you feel like your partner has your back against the outside world, you feel safe at home. This conversation builds that sense of "us against the world."
The Stress-Reducing Conversation
- Make eye contact
- Use encouraging phrases ("Mm-hmm")
- Reflect back what you hear
- Express empathy
- Take your partner's side
- Ask "How can I help?"
- Jump to problem-solving
- Minimize ("That's not so bad")
- Make it about you
- Play devil's advocate
- Side with the other person
- Give unsolicited advice
Remember: This conversation is about stress outside the relationship. Your job is to be their ally against the world.
Exercise 8: Repair Attempts
Time: As needed during conflict | Difficulty: Hard | Best For: Couples who need help de-escalating
Even the happiest couples have conflict. The difference? They know how to repair.
A repair attempt is any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. It's like a brake pedal for conflict.
Repair attempts can be:
Humorous ("Can we start over? That came out wrong.")
Apologetic ("I'm sorry. Let me try again.")
Appreciative ("I know you're trying to help.")
Reassuring ("We'll figure this out together.")
A physical gesture (reaching for their hand, offering a hug)
The key insight: It doesn't matter how "good" the repair attempt is. What matters is whether your partner accepts it.
In healthy relationships, repair attempts work. In struggling relationships, even great repair attempts get rejected.
How to do it:
Create a list of repair phrases together (when you're NOT in conflict):
"Can we take a break?"
"I'm feeling flooded right now."
"I love you even when we disagree."
"This is hard. Can we slow down?"
"I didn't mean for it to come out that way."
Practice accepting each other's repair attempts
During real conflict, use the agreed-upon phrases
Why it works: Having pre-agreed phrases makes it easier to de-escalate in the heat of the moment. You're not trying to think of the right thing to say—you already have a script.
If you're not sure what your conflict style is, take this quiz to learn more.
🔧 Repair Attempt Phrases
Agree on these phrases before conflict—use them to de-escalate in the moment
Key insight: What matters most is whether your partner accepts the repair attempt.
Exercise 9: Dreams Within Conflict
Time: 30-45 minutes | Difficulty: Hard | Best For: Couples with recurring arguments
Here's a surprising Gottman finding: 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. They never fully get resolved because they're rooted in fundamental differences between partners.
These perpetual problems become gridlocked when couples stop talking about them—or when they talk but never make progress.
The "Dreams Within Conflict" exercise helps you understand the deeper meaning behind your partner's position.
How to do it:
Choose a perpetual conflict (something you argue about repeatedly)
Take turns interviewing each other (15 minutes each):
"Why is this so important to you?"
"Is there a dream behind your position?"
"What does this mean to you?"
"Tell me about the history of this issue for you."
The listener's job is only to understand—not to persuade or problem-solve
After both share, look for areas of flexibility. What parts of each dream can you honor?
Example: A couple argues about how much time to spend with extended family. He wants more; she wants less.
Through this exercise, they discover:
His dream: Family closeness matters because he lost his dad young and wants his kids to know their grandparents
Her dream: She values peaceful weekends because her childhood home was chaotic
Neither position is "wrong." And now they can find creative solutions that honor both dreams.
Why it works: When you understand the dream behind your partner's position, you stop seeing them as the enemy. You start seeing them as a whole person with understandable needs.
💭 Dreams Within Conflict
For arguments that keep happening—find the dream behind the position
Questions to ask your partner (15 minutes each):
Remember: 69% of conflicts are perpetual. The goal isn't to "solve" them—it's to understand each other's dreams and find ways to honor both.
Exercise 10: The State of the Union Meeting
Time: 1 hour weekly | Difficulty: Medium | Best For: Couples who want to prevent problems
Happy couples don't just deal with problems as they arise. They schedule regular check-ins to stay connected and address small issues before they become big ones.
Gottman recommends a weekly "State of the Union" meeting with a specific structure.
The Format:
Part 1: Appreciations (5 minutes)
Each person shares 5 things they appreciated about their partner this week. Be specific: "I appreciated when you made me coffee Tuesday morning without me asking."
Part 2: The Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint (45 minutes)
Discuss ONE issue that needs attention:
Speaker shares feelings using "I" statements
Listener summarizes until the speaker feels understood
Switch roles
Find temporary compromise (it doesn't have to be perfect)
Part 3: What's Coming Up (10 minutes)
Review the upcoming week
Schedule quality time
Identify potential stressors and how to support each other
Why it works: Regular check-ins keep small problems small. They also create dedicated space to celebrate wins and plan for connection.
Schedule this meeting at the same time each week. Protect it like you would any important appointment. Want 50 conversation starters for your State of the Union meetings? Check out our relationship check-in questions guide.
📋 Weekly State of the Union Meeting
Schedule 1 hour at the same time each week
Each person shares 5 specific things they appreciated about their partner this week.
- Speaker shares feelings using "I" statements
- Listener summarizes until speaker feels understood
- Switch roles
- Find temporary compromise (doesn't have to be perfect)
- Review the upcoming week
- Schedule quality time / date night
- Identify potential stressors & how to support each other
Exercise 11: Rituals of Connection
Time: Varies | Difficulty: Easy | Best For: Couples wanting to deepen connection
Rituals are predictable routines that hold special meaning for your relationship. They create stability and communicate "we are an us."
Types of Rituals to Consider:
Daily rituals:
Morning greeting ritual (even just a hug and "good morning")
Coming home ritual (put down phones, greet each other warmly)
Bedtime ritual (saying goodnight, expressing gratitude)
Weekly rituals:
Date night
Sunday morning coffee in bed
Taking a walk together
Watching a show together
Yearly rituals:
How you celebrate birthdays and anniversaries
Holiday traditions
Annual trips or getaways
How to do it:
Together, list your current rituals (you probably have more than you realize)
Discuss: Which ones are working? Which feel hollow?
Create 1-2 new rituals intentionally
Protect your rituals. Don't let busy seasons make them disappear.
Why it works: Rituals create predictable moments of connection. Even when life is chaotic, you know you'll have these anchor points together.
For date night ideas, check out our guide on the importance of date nights in rekindling romance.
🔄 Rituals of Connection Ideas
- Morning hug & "good morning"
- 6-second kiss (hello/goodbye)
- Put phones away at dinner
- Share one appreciation
- Bedtime "I love you"
- Date night
- State of the Union meeting
- Coffee in bed Sunday
- Walk together
- Watch "our" show
- Anniversary celebration
- Birthday traditions
- Annual trip/getaway
- Holiday rituals
- New Year's reflection
Tip: Protect your rituals. Don't let busy seasons make them disappear.
Exercise 12: Fondness and Admiration
Time: 5 minutes daily | Difficulty: Easy | Best For: Couples feeling distant or critical
This exercise counteracts contempt, which Gottman calls the single biggest predictor of divorce.
The goal is simple: cultivate a culture of appreciation and respect.
How to do it:
Option 1: Daily appreciation
Every day, tell your partner one specific thing you appreciate about them.
Not: "You're great."
But: "I really appreciated how patient you were with the kids during the car ride today."
Option 2: The Fondness and Admiration exercise
Each day for one week, think of one positive characteristic of your partner. Then think of a specific incident that demonstrates that characteristic. Share it with them.
Day 1: Kindness — "I love how you always check in on your mom. It shows how caring you are."
Day 2: Humor — "You made me laugh so hard last night. I love that about you."
And so on.
Option 3: Positive history rewrite
Take 15 minutes to talk about how you met, your early dates, and what attracted you to each other. Research shows that how couples tell their story predicts relationship satisfaction.
Why it works: Fondness and admiration are the antidote to contempt. The more you focus on what you appreciate, the less room there is for criticism and resentment.
For more appreciation exercises, see our gratitude exercises for couples guide.
💕 7-Day Fondness & Admiration Challenge
Each day, share one quality you admire + a specific example
How to Get Started (Without Getting Overwhelmed)
12 exercises can feel like a lot. You don't need to do all of them.
Here's a simple plan:
Week 1: Pick one daily exercise (6-second kiss, appreciation, or rituals). Do it every day.
Week 2: Add the Stress-Reducing Conversation.
Week 3: Schedule your first State of the Union meeting.
Week 4: Based on your biggest struggle, add one exercise from conflict management (softened start-up, repair attempts, or dreams within conflict).
Remember: consistency beats perfection. Doing something small every day is better than doing something big once a month.
🚀 Your 4-Week Gottman Starter Plan
Pick ONE: 6-second kiss, daily appreciation, or reunion ritual. Do it every day.
20 minutes daily. Talk about external stress. Listen without fixing.
Schedule 1 hour. Follow the template: appreciations → one issue → what's ahead.
Based on your biggest struggle, add softened start-up, repair attempts, or dreams within conflict.
Remember: Consistency beats perfection. Small things often.
When to Seek Professional Help
These exercises work best when both partners are willing to engage and your relationship is generally stable. But sometimes, you need more support.
Consider couples therapy if:
Your 5:1 ratio feels more like 1:1 or lower
Contempt has become a regular presence
You've had the same fight hundreds of times with no progress
Trust has been broken through infidelity or betrayal
One or both partners have checked out emotionally
You're considering separation or divorce
A therapist trained in the Gottman Method can provide structure, accountability, and tools you might not be able to access on your own.
If you're in the Castle Rock, Parker, or South Denver area, reach out to schedule a consultation. We're here to help.
When to Seek Professional Help
These exercises work for many couples, but some situations need more support. Consider couples therapy if:
- Your 5:1 ratio feels more like 1:1 or lower
- Contempt has become a regular presence
- You've had the same fight hundreds of times with no progress
- Trust has been broken through infidelity or betrayal
- One or both partners have checked out emotionally
- You're seriously considering separation or divorce
Need support in Castle Rock, Parker, or the South Denver area?
Schedule a Consultation →What If Your Partner Won't Participate?
Maybe you're reading this alone. Maybe your partner isn't interested in "relationship exercises."
That's frustrating. But it doesn't mean you can't make changes.
Here's the truth: when one person changes in a relationship, the other often responds differently too.
Try these solo approaches:
Start expressing daily appreciation—even if it's not returned at first
Use softened start-ups when bringing up issues
Practice accepting repair attempts
Initiate the 6-second kiss
Turn toward your partner's bids (even when they don't turn toward yours)
Sometimes, when your partner sees you making an effort, they get curious. They might come around.
And if they don't? Individual therapy can help you figure out your next steps.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take for Gottman exercises to work?
Some couples notice small changes within 2-4 weeks of consistent practice. Bigger shifts typically happen over 2-3 months. The key word is consistent—doing exercises sporadically won't create lasting change.
Can these exercises replace couples therapy?
For mild to moderate relationship issues, often yes. Many couples improve significantly with at-home practice. For more serious problems—infidelity, abuse, severe communication breakdown—professional help is usually needed alongside these exercises.
What if we try an exercise and it turns into a fight?
This happens. It doesn't mean the exercise failed. It means you hit something important. Take a timeout, calm down, and try again later. If every exercise turns into conflict, that's a sign you might need professional support.
What's the most important Gottman exercise to start with?
Start with Love Maps and turning toward bids. These build the foundation everything else rests on. They're also relatively easy and low-conflict.
Are Gottman exercises evidence-based?
Yes. The Gottman Method is one of the most researched approaches to couples therapy in the world. The exercises come directly from Dr. Gottman's 40+ years of studying over 3,000 couples.
The Bottom Line
Dr. Gottman's research gives us a clear blueprint for lasting love. It's not about being perfect. It's about showing up, paying attention, and choosing to turn toward your partner again and again.
Pick one exercise from this list. Try it for one week. Notice what shifts.
Small things often. That's the Gottman way.
Want more exercises? Check out our complete guide to 25 couples therapy exercises you can try at home.
Prefer doing exercises on your phone? Download the free Relationship Check-In App for guided conversations you can do anywhere.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?
Whether you're working through challenges or want to build an even stronger connection, we're here to help.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton & the South Denver Metro
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of South Denver Therapy. She specializes in helping couples reconnect after growing apart, heal from infidelity, and build stronger relationships. With over a decade of experience, she has helped hundreds of couples in Castle Rock and the South Denver area find their way back to each other.
