50 Relationship Check-In Questions That Bring Couples Closer (Plus How to Actually Use Them)
What Does Your Relationship Need Right Now?
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💡 Pro tip: Pick just 3-5 questions per check-in. Quality beats quantity.
You know that feeling when you're sitting next to your partner on the couch, both scrolling your phones, and you realize you haven't had a real conversation in days?
Maybe weeks?
You're not fighting. Nothing's "wrong." But something's... missing.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Most couples I talk to describe the same thing. Life gets busy. Work piles up. Kids need attention. And somewhere along the way, you stop really checking in with each other.
Here's the good news: It doesn't take a weekend getaway or a fancy dinner to reconnect. Sometimes all it takes is the right question at the right time.
That's what relationship check-ins are for.
Want an easy way to do check-ins? The free Relationship Check-In App guides you through conversation prompts you can do anywhere. Perfect for busy couples who want to stay connected without overthinking it.
Key Takeaways
- 50 questions organized by topic: appreciation, emotional connection, communication, intimacy, and more
- Weekly check-ins are the sweet spot for most couples (15-20 minutes)
- Start with appreciation to set a positive tone before discussing challenges
- Pick 3-5 questions per check-in, not all 50 at once
- Research shows regular check-ins lead to less conflict and stronger connection
What Is a Relationship Check-In?
A relationship check-in is simply a conversation where you and your partner talk about how things are going between you. Not logistics. Not "who's picking up the kids." A real conversation about your relationship.
Think of it like a tune-up for your car. You don't wait until the engine dies to check the oil. Regular maintenance keeps everything running smoothly.
The same is true for relationships.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who have regular check-ins experience less conflict, feel more connected, and are better at solving problems together. Dr. John Gottman even recommends a weekly "State of the Union" meeting for couples.
But you don't need to make it formal or complicated. Even a 10-minute conversation once a week can make a big difference.
Why Regular Check-Ins Matter
Couples who communicate regularly about their relationship report higher happiness and lower stress
How to Have a Check-In (Without It Feeling Weird)
Before we get to the questions, let's talk about how to actually do this. Because let's be honest: sitting down and saying "Let's have a relationship check-in" can feel awkward.
Here are some tips to make it natural:
Pick a regular time. Maybe Sunday morning over coffee. Maybe Wednesday night after the kids go to bed. Having a consistent time means you don't have to figure out "when" every week.
Keep it short. Especially at first. 15-20 minutes is plenty. You can always go longer if the conversation flows.
Start with the positive. Don't jump straight into problems. Begin by sharing something you appreciate about your partner or your relationship. This sets the tone for the whole conversation.
Put your phones away. This might be the most important one. Give each other your full attention. Even 15 minutes of real presence beats an hour of half-distracted conversation.
Take turns talking. One person shares while the other listens. Really listens. No interrupting, no defending, no problem-solving yet. Just understanding.
End with connection. Close by sharing something you're looking forward to together, or simply expressing gratitude for the conversation.
If you want a simple framework to follow, try our guide on setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Good boundaries actually make check-ins easier because both people feel safe to share honestly.
📋 Check-In Ground Rules
"The couples who do best in my practice aren't the ones who never have problems. They're the ones who talk about problems before they become crises. A weekly check-in gives you a safe, predictable space to bring up the small stuff so it never becomes big stuff."
50 Relationship Check-In Questions
I've organized these questions into categories so you can pick what fits your relationship right now. You don't need to ask all 50 in one sitting. Choose 3-5 that feel relevant and go from there.
Appreciation & Gratitude Questions
Starting with appreciation sets a positive tone and reminds you both why you're together in the first place.
1. What's something I did this week that made you feel loved?
2. What's one thing you appreciate about our relationship right now?
3. When did you feel most connected to me recently?
4. What's something I do that you hope I never stop doing?
5. What's a small thing I did lately that meant more to you than I probably realized?
These questions aren't just nice to hear. Research shows that couples who regularly express gratitude have stronger relationships and handle conflict better. Gratitude acts like a buffer against negativity. For specific gratitude activities you can do together, see our gratitude exercises for couples guide.
💛 Why Start with Appreciation?
Research shows gratitude increases relationship satisfaction by 25%. It also makes partners more receptive to hearing difficult feedback later in the conversation.
Emotional Connection Questions
These go a little deeper. They help you understand what's happening in your partner's inner world, not just their schedule.
6. How are you really doing right now? Not "fine." Really.
7. What's been weighing on your mind lately?
8. Is there anything you've been wanting to tell me but haven't found the right moment?
9. What do you need from me this week that you haven't asked for?
10. On a scale of 1-10, how emotionally connected do you feel to me right now? What would make it higher?
11. What's one thing I could do to make you feel more supported?
12. Is there anything I've done recently that hurt you, even if I didn't mean to?
If you want to learn more about staying emotionally attuned to your partner, take our Emotional Bids Quiz to see how well you respond to your partner's attempts to connect.
Try This: Connection Rating
Both rate your emotional connection 1-10, then discuss:
"What would move us one point higher?"
Communication Check-In Questions
How you talk to each other matters just as much as what you talk about.
13. Do you feel heard when you share something with me?
14. Is there anything we keep avoiding talking about?
15. How well have we been communicating this week? What's working? What's not?
16. When we disagree, do you feel like we fight fair?
17. Is there a better way I could bring up difficult topics with you?
18. Do you feel comfortable telling me when something bothers you?
Communication breakdowns are one of the most common issues couples face. If you're struggling in this area, our article on common marriage problems and solutions has specific strategies that help.
🗣️ Quick Communication Check
Conflict & Repair Questions
Every couple argues. What matters is how you come back together afterward.
19. Is there anything from a recent disagreement we haven't fully resolved?
20. When we argue, what do I do that makes things worse?
21. What helps you calm down when we're in conflict?
22. Do you feel like we repair well after a fight? What could we do better?
23. Is there a pattern in our arguments you've noticed that we should talk about?
If you find yourselves stuck in the same fight over and over, you might be caught in the pursuer-withdrawer pattern. Understanding this dynamic can be a game-changer. You can also take our Conflict Style Quiz to learn more about how you each handle disagreements.
⚠️ If Check-Ins Keep Turning Into Fights
- Take a 20-minute break when things get heated
- Use "I feel..." statements instead of "You always..."
- Stick to one topic at a time
- Consider working with a couples therapist
Physical Intimacy & Affection Questions
Physical connection is an important part of most romantic relationships. But it can be hard to talk about directly.
24. Do you feel satisfied with our physical intimacy lately?
25. Is there anything you'd like more of? Less of?
26. How can I make you feel more desired?
27. Do you feel like we make enough time for physical affection, even outside the bedroom?
28. What kind of non-sexual touch makes you feel most loved?
29. Is there anything getting in the way of our intimacy right now?
Physical intimacy often reflects emotional intimacy. If things have cooled off physically, it might be worth exploring whether you're feeling emotionally connected too. Sometimes what looks like a physical issue is actually an emotional one.
💕 Talking About Intimacy
These conversations can feel vulnerable. Start with: "I want us both to feel fulfilled. Can we talk about what's working and what we might want more of?"
Quality Time Questions
Spending time together is different from spending time in the same room.
30. Do you feel like we're spending enough quality time together?
31. What's your favorite way to spend time with me?
32. Is there something you'd love to do together that we haven't done in a while?
33. Do you feel like I'm fully present when we're together, or distracted?
34. How can we protect our time together better?
If you're feeling more like roommates than partners, you're not alone. Check out our article on how to get over someone for the emotional patterns that create distance, and our tips on date nights and rekindling romance.
💡 Quality Time Ideas
Stress & Support Questions
Outside stress affects your relationship whether you talk about it or not. Better to talk about it.
35. What's stressing you out most right now?
36. How can I better support you through what you're dealing with?
37. Am I doing anything that adds to your stress without realizing it?
38. Do you feel like we're a team when life gets hard?
39. What would help you feel less overwhelmed this week?
The Gottman Institute recommends a daily "stress-reducing conversation" where you talk about stress outside the relationship. The rule? Just listen. Don't fix. Take your partner's side against the world. If you're experiencing burnout, our guide on signs of burnout can help you recognize and address it.
The Gottman Stress-Reducing Conversation
Goals & Dreams Questions
Great relationships aren't just about surviving. They're about growing together.
40. What's something you're excited about for our future?
41. Is there a personal goal you're working toward that I could support better?
42. Do you feel like we're moving in the same direction as a couple?
43. What's something you've always wanted to do together that we haven't tried?
44. Where do you see us in five years?
Talking about the future keeps your relationship forward-focused instead of stuck in old patterns or past hurts. If you're engaged or newly married, premarital counseling is a great way to build these conversations into your foundation.
🌱 Growth Mindset
Couples who regularly discuss their future together report feeling more committed and hopeful about their relationship.
Household & Logistics Questions
It might seem unromantic, but resentment over dishes and chores is real. Getting on the same page helps.
45. Are you happy with how we're dividing responsibilities at home?
46. Is there anything you feel like you're carrying alone that you'd like help with?
47. Are there any household routines that aren't working?
If you have kids and are navigating the added complexity of parenting roles, our guide on co-parenting has helpful frameworks for dividing responsibilities fairly.
Overall Relationship Health Questions
These bigger-picture questions help you step back and assess your relationship as a whole.
48. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you in our relationship right now?
49. What's one thing we could do to make our relationship even better?
50. Is there anything you need from me that you're not getting?
Not sure how your relationship is doing overall? Take our Is My Relationship in Trouble Quiz for a quick assessment.
📊 Quick Relationship Health Check
Rate each area 1-10, then compare answers:
"When couples tell me check-ins feel awkward, I remind them that awkward is okay. The first few times might feel forced. That's normal. Push through it. After a few weeks, it becomes something you look forward to. I've had couples tell me their weekly check-in is now their favorite part of the week."
How Often Should You Do Check-Ins?
There's no one right answer. It depends on your relationship and your life right now.
Daily check-ins work best for: Couples going through a hard time, long-distance relationships, or those rebuilding trust. Keep it brief: 5 minutes max. Focus on how you're feeling and one appreciation.
Weekly check-ins work best for: Most couples. This is the sweet spot. Long enough between check-ins that you have something to discuss, frequent enough that problems don't fester.
Monthly check-ins work best for: Couples who are in a really solid place and want to do deeper reflection. These can be longer and cover bigger-picture topics like goals, dreams, and relationship growth.
You can also mix frequencies. A quick daily appreciation plus a longer weekly conversation plus a monthly deeper dive.
⏰ Choose Your Check-In Frequency
One appreciation + "How are you really doing?"
Full check-in with 3-5 questions from different categories
Big-picture topics: goals, dreams, relationship growth
What If Your Partner Doesn't Want to Do Check-Ins?
This is more common than you'd think. One partner reads an article like this and gets excited. The other one... not so much.
Here are some ways to approach it:
Don't call it a "check-in." Some people hear that and think therapy homework. Instead, try: "Can we talk for a few minutes tonight? I just want to connect."
Start with one question. Don't pull out a list of 50 questions. Just ask one, casually, and see where it goes.
Lead by example. Share something you appreciate about your partner without asking for anything in return. Often, they'll naturally reciprocate.
Explain your why. Let your partner know this matters to you. "I've been feeling disconnected lately, and I want to make sure we're staying close. Can we try something?"
Be patient. It might take time for your partner to warm up to the idea. That's okay.
If your partner consistently refuses to engage in any meaningful conversation about your relationship, that might be a sign of a deeper issue. Our article on codependency signs explores some of the patterns that can make healthy communication difficult.
🤝 Partner Hesitant? Try This:
When Check-Ins Aren't Enough
Check-ins are powerful. But they're not a cure-all.
If you're dealing with serious issues like infidelity, addiction, abuse, or long-standing resentment, you likely need more support than a weekly conversation can provide.
Consider couples counseling if:
Your check-ins keep turning into fights
There are topics you can't discuss without it blowing up
One or both of you has emotionally checked out
Trust has been broken and you're struggling to rebuild
You're considering separation or divorce
There's no shame in getting help. In fact, seeking support before things get worse is one of the smartest things you can do for your relationship. If you're in the Castle Rock, Parker, or South Denver area, reach out to schedule a consultation. We're here to help.
Consider Professional Support If:
- Check-ins consistently turn into arguments
- Certain topics are completely off-limits
- One or both of you has emotionally checked out
- Trust has been broken
- You're considering separation
Make It Easy: Tools That Help
Sometimes the hardest part of a check-in is knowing where to start. Here are some resources that make it easier:
Relationship Check-In App — Free app with guided conversation prompts. Perfect for couples who want structure without overthinking it.
Free Couples Communication Workbook — Download our printable workbook with conversation starters and exercises you can do together.
Our Relationship Quizzes — Take them together and discuss your results. Great conversation starter.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long should a relationship check-in take?
Start with 15-20 minutes. You can always go longer if the conversation is flowing well. The key is consistency, not length. A short check-in every week beats a long one once a month.
What if our check-in turns into a fight?
Take a break. Say something like: "I think we're getting heated. Can we pause and come back to this in 20 minutes?" The goal of a check-in is connection, not resolution of every issue. If certain topics always lead to conflict, that might be something to work through in couples therapy.
Can we do check-ins over text?
In-person is ideal because you can read body language and tone. But if you're long-distance or have conflicting schedules, texting is better than nothing. Just be aware that tone can be misread in text. When possible, save deeper topics for face-to-face conversations.
What if I don't know how to answer a question?
It's okay to say "I need to think about that" or "I'm not sure, but let me sit with it." Not every question needs an immediate answer. Sometimes the most honest response is "I don't know yet."
Do check-ins work for new relationships too?
Absolutely. In fact, building this habit early makes it feel natural as your relationship grows. You don't have to wait until there's a problem to start checking in.
The Bottom Line
Relationship check-ins don't have to be complicated. They don't require a therapist or a special occasion. All they require is two people willing to pause, put down their phones, and actually talk to each other.
Start this week. Pick one question from this list. Ask your partner. Listen to their answer. Share yours.
That's it. That's a check-in.
Small conversations, repeated over time, build strong relationships. It really is that simple.
Ready to start? Download the free Relationship Check-In App for guided prompts you can do together anywhere.
Want more exercises? Check out our guides on couples therapy exercises and Gottman exercises for couples.
Want to Strengthen Your Connection?
Whether you need help communicating better or want to rebuild your bond, we're here for you.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton & South Denver
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of South Denver Therapy. She specializes in helping couples reconnect after growing apart, heal from infidelity, and build stronger relationships. With over a decade of experience, she has helped hundreds of couples in Castle Rock and the South Denver area find their way back to each other.
