✨ Evidence-Based Assessment

Emotional Bids Quiz

Based on Gottman Method Research

Discover how you respond to your partner's bids for connection. This free quiz reveals your relationship patterns and shows you how to strengthen your bond.

15 Questions
5 min Average Time
40+ Years Research
Free No Email Needed

Emotional Bids Assessment

Discover how you respond to your partner's attempts to connect

Instructions: Read each scenario where your partner reaches out for connection. Pick the response that matches how you'd typically react. There's no right or wrong answers - just honest reflections of your patterns.

Your Results

Here's how you typically respond to your partner's bids for connection:

0% Toward

Turning Toward

0% Away

Turning Away

0% Against

Turning Against

What Your Results Mean

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40+
Years of Research
Gottman
Research Based
5 min
Quick Assessment
Free
No Email Required

What Are Emotional Bids?

Emotional bids are any attempt by one partner to connect with the other. According to Dr. John Gottman's research at the University of Washington, bids can be verbal or nonverbal and range from simple gestures like a sigh or touch to direct requests for attention, affection, or support. These bids are the fundamental units of emotional intimacy in relationships.

Research shows that couples who remain happily married turn toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while couples who eventually divorce turn toward bids only 33% of the time. This dramatic difference highlights how these small moments of connection are for relationship health. If you're noticing patterns of missed bids in your relationship, couples counseling can help you develop stronger connection skills.

💬

Verbal Bids

Comments, questions, or statements that invite a response - like sharing news, asking opinions, or expressing feelings. "Look at this!" or "Guess what happened today?" are common verbal bids.

🤝

Nonverbal Bids

Physical gestures that seek connection - reaching for your partner's hand, a sigh, a smile, or moving closer. These subtle signals are easy to miss but equally important.

⏰

Constant & Subtle

Bids happen all throughout the day, often in small, easy-to-miss ways. A comment about the weather or sharing a random thought are all bids for connection.

The Three Responses to Emotional Bids

How you respond to your partner's bids shapes the trajectory of your relationship. According to Gottman's research, there are three ways people respond. Understanding your conflict style can also help you recognize patterns in how you handle these moments:

Turning Toward

Acknowledging and engaging with the bid

  • Making eye contact and giving full attention
  • Asking follow-up questions with genuine interest
  • Responding with empathy and validation
  • Physically moving closer or offering touch

Turning Away

Missing or ignoring the bid

  • Being distracted by phone or TV
  • Giving minimal responses like "uh-huh"
  • Changing the subject without acknowledging
  • Appearing preoccupied or uninterested

Turning away often relates to stonewalling patterns in relationships.

Turning Against

Responding with hostility or rejection

  • Responding with criticism or contempt
  • Dismissing feelings or experiences
  • Using sarcasm or belittling comments
  • Getting angry at the attempt to connect

Frequent turning against may indicate deeper relationship issues. Take our relationship health quiz to learn more.

Examples of Emotional Bids in Daily Life

Recognizing bids requires awareness of the many ways partners reach out for connection:

Sharing Information

"You won't believe what happened at work today..."

Seeking Attention

"Look at this funny video I found."

Physical Touch

Reaching for your hand while watching TV together.

Expressing Feelings

"I'm really nervous about my presentation tomorrow."

Wanting Appreciation

"Do you like how I rearranged the living room?"

Playful Interaction

Playfully teasing or joking with your partner.

The Research Behind Emotional Bids

Dr. John Gottman's research at the "Love Lab" studied thousands of couples over four decades. His findings reveal a profound truth: the small moments of connection matter far more than grand romantic gestures. This research forms the foundation of Gottman Method couples therapy, which our therapists use to help couples strengthen their bonds.

86%
Turn toward rate in happy couples
33%
Turn toward rate in couples who divorce
94%
Prediction accuracy for relationship outcomes

Tips for Improving Your Response to Bids

Practical strategies to strengthen your connection. For more in-depth guidance, check out our article on 7 effective ways to build emotional intimacy:

1

Develop Bid Awareness

Start noticing the small ways your partner reaches out for connection throughout the day.

2

Put Down the Phone

Digital distractions are one of the biggest barriers to turning toward bids.

3

Practice the Six-Second Kiss

Gottman recommends a six-second kiss daily - long enough to feel romantic and connected.

4

Express Appreciation Daily

Make it a habit to express gratitude. This creates a positive cycle of connection.

5

Pause Before Responding

When irritation rises, pause and ask: Is my partner making a bid for connection?

6

Create Connection Rituals

Establish daily rituals: morning coffee together, evening walks, or bedtime conversations.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are emotional bids in a relationship?

Emotional bids are any attempt by one partner to connect with the other. According to Dr. John Gottman's research, bids can be verbal or nonverbal and range from simple gestures like a sigh or touch to direct requests for attention, affection, or support. Recognizing these bids is the first step toward deepening emotional intimacy with your partner.

What does it mean to turn toward a bid?

Turning toward a bid means acknowledging and responding positively to your partner's attempt to connect. This could be as simple as making eye contact, asking a follow-up question, or showing interest in what they shared. The key is that your partner feels seen and heard, even if the response is brief.

What percentage of bids do happy couples respond to?

According to Gottman's research conducted at the University of Washington's "Love Lab," couples who remain happily married turn toward each other's bids approximately 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorce turn toward bids only about 33% of the time. This dramatic difference highlights how these small moments of connection are for relationship health.

What is the difference between turning away and turning against?

Turning away means ignoring or missing your partner's bid, often unintentionally. You might be distracted, preoccupied, or simply not notice the attempt to connect. Turning against, however, means responding with criticism, contempt, or hostility - what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen. While both damage the relationship, turning against is more immediately harmful as it actively wounds your partner.

How can I improve my response to emotional bids?

Start by becoming aware of bids in daily life - notice when your partner reaches out, even in small ways. Practice pausing what you're doing to acknowledge their attempt to connect. Even brief responses like "That's interesting" or "Tell me more" can strengthen your bond over time. Check out our guide on 10 communication exercises for practical techniques you can use today.

Can emotional bid patterns change over time?

Yes, emotional bid patterns can absolutely change with awareness and practice. Couples therapy, especially Gottman Method therapy, teaches partners to recognize bids and develop healthier response patterns. Many couples see significant improvement within weeks of focused practice. Learn more about Gottman exercises for couples.

How do emotional bids relate to attachment styles?

Your attachment style significantly influences how you make and respond to emotional bids. Securely attached individuals typically turn toward bids more consistently, while anxious or avoidant attachment patterns can lead to missing or misinterpreting bids. Take our attachment style quiz to learn more about your patterns.

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About This Assessment

This emotional bids quiz is based on Dr. John Gottman's groundbreaking research conducted at the University of Washington's "Love Lab" over four decades. His work has revolutionized our understanding of what makes relationships succeed or fail.

The concept of emotional bids and the research showing that happy couples turn toward bids 86% of the time (compared to 33% for couples who divorce) forms a cornerstone of the Gottman Method of couples therapy, practiced by therapists worldwide.

Disclaimer: This online assessment is provided for educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose any condition or replace professional therapy. If you have concerns about your relationship, please contact a licensed therapist.

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