Growing Apart in Marriage: How to Reconnect When You've Drifted
You used to finish each other's sentences. Now you barely start conversations.
You used to dream about the future together. Now you make plans separately.
You used to be best friends. Now you feel like polite strangers sharing a mortgage.
If this sounds like your marriage, you are probably wondering: How did we get here? And more importantly, can we find our way back?
The answer to the first question is complicated. The answer to the second is almost always yes.
Growing apart in marriage is one of the most common relationship experiences, and also one of the most painful. Unlike a big fight or a betrayal, there is no clear moment to point to. No single event that broke things. Just a slow, quiet drift that happened while you were both busy living your lives.
This article will help you understand exactly what happened, figure out where you are in the process, and give you a concrete roadmap to start growing back together.
Growing apart in marriage means you and your partner have gradually become disconnected—living parallel lives instead of a shared one. It happens slowly through busyness, unresolved conflicts, life transitions, or simply forgetting to nurture the relationship.
👇 Keep reading to identify your stage, understand what caused it, and get a step-by-step reconnection roadmap
What "Growing Apart" Actually Means
Before we go further, let's get clear on what we are really talking about.
Growing apart is not the same as falling out of love. It is not the same as being incompatible. And it is definitely not the same as your marriage being over.
Growing apart means you and your partner have gradually become disconnected. Your lives, interests, priorities, and inner worlds have slowly diverged until you feel like you are living parallel lives instead of a shared one.
Think of it like two trees planted close together. In the beginning, their branches intertwine naturally. But over time, if no one tends to them, they grow in their own directions. The roots might still be tangled underground, but above the surface, they barely touch anymore.
That is what happens in marriage when connection is not intentionally maintained. You do not stop loving each other. You just stop knowing each other.
The 12 Warning Signs You Are Growing Apart
How do you know if you are growing apart versus just going through a busy season? Here are the signs therapists look for:
Your conversations have become transactional. You talk about schedules, logistics, and household tasks. But you cannot remember the last time you talked about dreams, fears, or anything that actually matters.
You have stopped sharing the small stuff. Something funny happens at work and you do not think to tell them. You read an interesting article and keep it to yourself. The instinct to share has faded.
You have separate social lives. You have your friends, they have theirs. You rarely do things together as a couple anymore, and when you do, it feels awkward.
Physical intimacy has declined or disappeared. And it is not just sex. The casual touches, the lingering hugs, the hand-holding, all of it has quietly stopped.
You feel lonely even when they are home. This is perhaps the most painful sign. You can be in the same room and feel completely alone.
You have stopped fighting. This might sound like a good thing, but it often is not. It can mean you have stopped caring enough to engage.
You make major decisions without consulting them. Career changes, big purchases, plans with family. You inform them rather than discuss with them.
You fantasize about a different life. Not necessarily about leaving, but about what life would be like if things were different. If you were different. If they were different.
You feel more like roommates than partners. You coexist efficiently. You split responsibilities fairly. But romance and partnership have been replaced by a business arrangement.
You have stopped being curious about each other. You do not ask questions anymore. You assume you already know everything about them, and maybe you have stopped wanting to know more.
Your future visions no longer align. When you think about the next five or ten years, your pictures look different. And you have stopped trying to merge them.
You feel relief when they are not around. Not occasionally, which is normal. But consistently, their absence feels easier than their presence.
Check any that apply to your marriage right now:
3-5 checked: Early stages of growing apart. Take action now before it deepens.
6+ checked: Significant disconnection. Prioritize reconnection and consider professional support.
Why Couples Grow Apart: The 7 Root Causes
Growing apart does not happen randomly. There are specific patterns that lead to disconnection. Understanding which one applies to your marriage is the first step toward fixing it.
Cause 1: Life Got Busier Than Your Relationship
This is the most common cause and the most fixable.
Kids came along. Careers demanded more. Aging parents needed care. Financial pressures mounted. Slowly, the relationship moved from the center of your life to the edge.
You did not choose to disconnect. You just ran out of time and energy to connect. The relationship went on autopilot while you handled everything else.
The good news: Couples in this category often reconnect quickly once they prioritize each other again. The love and compatibility are still there. You just need to feed them.
Cause 2: You Stopped Growing Together
Personal growth is healthy. But when one partner grows significantly while the other stays the same, or when you grow in completely different directions, distance forms.
Maybe one of you had a spiritual awakening. Started therapy and did deep personal work. Developed new passions and interests. Changed careers or life philosophies.
Meanwhile, the other partner stayed relatively the same. Or grew in a completely different direction.
The challenge: You need to get curious about who your partner has become, and they need to do the same for you. This requires letting go of who you both used to be.
Cause 3: Unresolved Conflicts Created Walls
When the same issues come up over and over without resolution, couples eventually stop bringing them up. Not because they are resolved, but because it is too painful to keep fighting.
So you build walls. You create emotional distance to protect yourself from the disappointment and frustration. And those walls start blocking everything, not just the painful stuff.
The path forward: Learning to fight fairly and resolve conflicts rather than avoid them. Often this requires professional help to break entrenched patterns.
Cause 4: A Major Life Transition Disrupted Everything
Certain life events are notorious for creating distance:
Having children (especially the first baby)
Job loss or major career changes
Moving to a new city
Health crises or chronic illness
Death of a parent or close loved one
Kids leaving home (empty nest)
Retirement
These transitions change everything: routines, roles, identities, even the foundation of what your relationship was built on.
What helps: Acknowledging the transition explicitly. Grieving what was lost. Creating new rituals and ways of connecting that fit your current reality.
Cause 5: Resentment Built Up Over Time
Small disappointments that were never addressed. Needs that went unmet for too long. Sacrifices that were never acknowledged. Hurts that were never healed.
Over time, these accumulate into resentment. And resentment is connection poison. It makes you see your partner through a negative filter where everything they do confirms your grievances.
The work required: Processing the resentment, which often means having difficult conversations about old wounds. A skilled couples therapist can help create safety for this.
Cause 6: You Stopped Being Intentional
In the beginning, you put effort into the relationship. You planned dates. You asked questions. You made each other a priority.
Then at some point, you stopped. Not consciously. You just assumed the relationship would maintain itself. That love would be enough without the work.
It was not.
The fix: Rebuilding intentional habits of connection. Daily rituals. Weekly dates. Regular check-ins. The relationship needs consistent deposits to thrive.
Cause 7: Individual Issues Spilled Into the Marriage
Sometimes growing apart is not really about the relationship. It is about one or both partners struggling individually.
Depression makes it hard to connect. Anxiety makes it hard to be present. Burnout leaves nothing for the relationship. Unprocessed trauma creates walls.
The starting point: Addressing the individual issue directly, whether through therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or all three. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your marriage is take care of yourself.
The 5 Stages of Growing Apart
Not all growing apart is equal. Understanding where you are helps you know what to do next.
Stage 1: The Drift Begins
What it looks like: You are still connected but starting to miss each other's bids for attention. Conversations are slightly shorter. Date nights get postponed more often. You are both a little busier, a little more distracted.
How it feels: Mostly fine, with occasional moments of "we should spend more time together." Easy to dismiss as just a busy season.
Reconnection difficulty: Easy. Small changes make a big difference at this stage.
Stage 2: Parallel Lives
What it looks like: You have settled into separate routines. You handle different domains of life. You are efficient partners but rarely connect emotionally or romantically.
How it feels: Like roommates. Functional but flat. You might feel vaguely dissatisfied but cannot pinpoint why.
Reconnection difficulty: Moderate. Requires intentional effort but very doable.
Stage 3: Emotional Distance
What it looks like: Conversations are strained or surface-level. You avoid certain topics. Physical intimacy has significantly declined. You feel lonely in the relationship.
How it feels: Lonely. Misunderstood. Like you are living with a stranger who used to be your best friend.
Reconnection difficulty: Challenging. Usually requires dedicated effort and often professional support.
Stage 4: Active Disconnection
What it looks like: You have stopped trying. Maybe there is conflict, maybe just cold indifference. You are making plans that do not include them. You might be fantasizing about leaving.
How it feels: Hopeless. Exhausted. Like you have tried everything and nothing works.
Reconnection difficulty: Difficult but not impossible. Almost always requires professional help.
Stage 5: Contemplating Exit
What it looks like: You are seriously considering separation or divorce. You may have mentally checked out. The question has shifted from "how do we fix this" to "should we stay together."
How it feels: Like grief. For the relationship you had, the future you imagined, the person you thought you would grow old with.
Reconnection difficulty: Very difficult. Requires both partners to genuinely want to try, and intensive professional support.
An Important Question: Growing Apart or Growing Incompatible?
Before we talk about how to reconnect, we need to address something important.
Sometimes couples grow apart temporarily due to circumstances. And sometimes couples grow into genuinely different people who are no longer compatible.
These are not the same thing, and they require different responses.
- You still respect each other
- Core values remain aligned
- You can imagine being happy together again
- Good memories bring warmth
- You want to fix it
- Disconnection came gradually
- External factors caused the drift
- Fundamental respect has eroded
- Core values have diverged
- You cannot picture happiness together
- Good memories bring only sadness
- You are not sure you want to fix it
- You have grown into different people
- Who you each are has fundamentally changed
If you are unsure which category you fall into, here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you still respect your partner as a person, even if you feel disconnected?
Can you imagine being happy with them if the connection returned?
Are your core values still aligned, even if your interests have diverged?
When you remember the good times, do you feel warmth or just sadness?
If you could wave a magic wand and fix the relationship, would you want to?
If you answered yes to most of these, you are likely dealing with disconnection, not incompatibility. And disconnection can be healed.
If you answered no to most of these, the question becomes more complex. A couples therapist can help you explore whether this is truly incompatibility or just very deep disconnection that has calcified over time.
The Reconnection Roadmap: How to Grow Back Together
If you have recognized yourself in this article and you want to reconnect, here is your path forward.
Step 1: Acknowledge What Has Happened
The first step is simply naming it. Out loud. To each other.
This is harder than it sounds. It requires vulnerability. It means admitting something is wrong when it might be easier to pretend everything is fine.
But you cannot fix what you will not acknowledge.
Use one of these to break the silence about growing apart:
Step 2: Identify Your Starting Point
Use the 5 stages above to honestly assess where you are. This matters because the strategies for Stage 1 are different from Stage 4.
Be honest with yourself. Minimizing the problem will not help you solve it.
Also identify which root causes apply to your situation. Is it busyness? Unresolved conflict? A life transition? Individual struggles? Usually it is a combination.
Step 3: Make a Commitment to Reconnect
This step requires both of you. One partner cannot reconnect a marriage alone.
Sit down together and make an explicit commitment. Not "we should work on this" but "we are going to work on this. Starting now. Here is what we are going to do."
Write it down. Put it somewhere you will both see it. This is a promise you are making to each other and to your marriage.
Step 4: Rebuild Daily Connection Rituals
Growing apart happened gradually. Growing back together will too.
You need daily touchpoints that keep you connected. These do not have to be big or time-consuming. Consistency matters more than intensity.
Choose 2-3 to start. Consistency matters more than quantity.
Step 5: Have Weekly Marriage Meetings
Beyond daily rituals, you need dedicated time each week to check in on the relationship itself.
This is not date night (though you need that too). This is a structured conversation about how things are going, what is working, what needs attention, and what is coming up.
30-45 minutes weekly. Same time each week. No phones. Here's the agenda:
Step 6: Rediscover Each Other
You have both changed since you first fell in love. The goal is not to go back to who you were. It is to fall in love with who you have each become.
This requires curiosity. Ask questions you have never asked. Share things you have never shared. Approach your partner like someone you are just getting to know, because in many ways, you are.
Use these on date nights, during pillow talk, or anytime you want to go deeper.
- What's bringing you joy right now?
- What's your biggest stress this month?
- What do you wish you had more time for?
- What's something you've been thinking about lately?
- What do you need more of in your life?
- What do you want our life to look like in 5 years?
- Is there something you've always wanted to try?
- What's on your bucket list right now?
- If money was no object, what would you do?
- What's a dream you've let go of?
- What's your favorite memory of us?
- When do you feel most loved by me?
- What do you wish we did more of together?
- What's something I do that makes you feel appreciated?
- How can I better support you right now?
- What are you most proud of about yourself?
- What's something you're working on personally?
- What scares you about the future?
- What do you need from me that you haven't asked for?
- What's something about you I might not know?
Step 7: Address the Underlying Issues
Daily rituals and weekly meetings create connection. But if there are deeper issues driving the disconnection, those need to be addressed too.
This might mean:
Having difficult conversations about unresolved conflicts
Processing resentments that have built up
Working on communication patterns that are not serving you
Addressing the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic if that is at play
Getting individual help for personal struggles
Working with a couples therapist on entrenched patterns
Do not skip this step. Connection rituals are necessary but not sufficient if there are deeper wounds.
Step 8: Create Shared Experiences
One of the reasons couples grow apart is that they stop having new experiences together. Everything becomes routine.
New experiences create new memories, new inside jokes, new stories to tell. They remind you that you are a team, and that life together can still be exciting.
New experiences create new memories and remind you that you're a team.
Step 9: Be Patient and Persistent
Growing back together takes time. You will not reconnect in a week or even a month.
Expect awkwardness at first. Expect setbacks. Expect moments when you wonder if this is working.
Keep going anyway.
When to Get Professional Help
Some couples can reconnect on their own with the strategies above. Others need professional support.
Here are signs it is time to bring in a couples therapist:
You have tried to reconnect on your own without success
Conversations about the relationship always turn into fights
There are issues you cannot discuss without things escalating
One or both of you feels hopeless about the marriage
There has been infidelity or other major trust breaks
You are in Stage 4 or 5 of growing apart
Individual issues (depression, anxiety, trauma) are significant factors
You have been stuck for more than a few months
A skilled therapist can help you see patterns you cannot see yourselves. They create safety for difficult conversations. They teach skills tailored to your specific situation.
If you are in the South Denver area, our team at South Denver Therapy specializes in helping couples reconnect. For couples who want accelerated progress, we also offer couples counseling intensives.
Check any that apply:
What If Only One Person Wants to Reconnect?
This is one of the hardest situations. You see the distance. You want to fix it. But your partner seems indifferent or resistant.
First, try to understand why they might be hesitant:
They may be protecting themselves from more disappointment
They may feel hopeless that things can change
They may not realize how serious the situation is
They may be dealing with their own individual struggles
They may need to see you making changes before they will engage
Here is what you can do:
Focus on yourself first. Start making the changes you can make. Be warmer. Be more present. Be more curious. Sometimes one partner changing shifts the whole dynamic.
Have a clear conversation. Not "we need to work on things" but "I am worried about our marriage. I feel like we have grown apart and I miss you. I want us to reconnect. Will you work on this with me?"
Give it time, but not forever. Your partner may need time to see that you are serious and that things can change. But there is a limit. If they are completely unwilling after genuine effort on your part, you may need to make difficult decisions.
Consider individual therapy. Even if your partner will not go to couples therapy, you can benefit from individual support as you navigate this.
FAQ: Growing Apart in Marriage
Frequently Asked Questions About Growing Apart
Is it normal to grow apart in marriage?
Yes, growing apart is extremely common and happens in most long-term relationships at some point. Life gets busy, priorities shift, and couples can drift without realizing it. The key difference between couples who stay together and those who do not is not whether they experience distance—it is whether they notice it and do something about it. Growing apart is not a sign of a failed marriage. It is a signal that your relationship needs intentional attention.
Can you fall back in love after growing apart?
Absolutely. Many couples report that after doing the work to reconnect, they feel more in love than ever. This is because the reconnection is intentional rather than accidental. You are choosing each other again, which can be even more meaningful than the initial falling in love. The love often did not disappear—it just got buried under distance, busyness, and disconnection. With consistent effort, most couples can uncover it again.
How long does it take to reconnect after growing apart?
With consistent effort from both partners, most couples start seeing meaningful progress within 2-3 months. The first few weeks often feel awkward as you rebuild connection habits. By month 2-3, rituals start feeling natural and conversations go deeper. A solid new foundation typically takes 6 months or more. However, this timeline varies based on how long you were disconnected, what caused it, and whether there are deeper issues to address. Couples therapy can accelerate the process.
What if my spouse does not want to work on the marriage?
This is challenging but not hopeless. First, try to understand why they might be resistant—fear of disappointment, hopelessness, or not realizing how serious the situation is. Have a direct conversation about your concerns and what you need. If they remain unwilling, focus on what you can control: your own behavior, warmth, and presence. Sometimes one partner changing shifts the dynamic enough that the other begins to engage. If nothing changes after genuine effort, you may need to make difficult decisions about your future.
What is the difference between growing apart and falling out of love?
Growing apart is about disconnection—you still have feelings but have lost touch with each other. Falling out of love suggests the feelings themselves have changed or disappeared. In reality, what feels like "falling out of love" is often severe disconnection that has gone on too long. When couples reconnect, the loving feelings often return. True incompatibility—where you have genuinely grown into people who want different things—is less common than it appears. A couples therapist can help you distinguish between the two.
When should we see a couples therapist about growing apart?
Consider couples therapy if: you have tried to reconnect on your own without success, the same issues keep coming up, one or both of you feels hopeless, there is significant resentment or unresolved conflict, you are in Stage 4 or 5 of growing apart, or you simply want professional guidance to reconnect more efficiently. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from therapy—many couples seek help early to prevent things from getting worse. Early intervention typically leads to faster, more lasting results.
You Are Not Too Far Gone
Here is what I want you to take away from this article:
Growing apart is common. It is painful. And in the vast majority of cases, it is fixable.
The fact that you are reading this means you care. It means you have not given up. It means there is still something worth fighting for.
Your marriage does not have to end in quiet disappointment. The disconnect you feel right now does not have to be permanent.
With intention, effort, and possibly some professional support, you can find your way back to each other. Not to who you used to be, but to who you have each become.
The distance can close. The connection can return. And sometimes, couples who do the work of reconnecting find that their relationship is stronger than it ever was before.
You grew apart slowly. You can grow back together the same way. One conversation, one date, one moment of genuine connection at a time.
- Growing apart is normal—it happens in most long-term relationships at some point
- It's almost always fixable when both partners commit to reconnecting
- Identify your stage (1-5) to know which strategies will work best
- Daily rituals + weekly meetings rebuild connection over time
- Address underlying issues like resentment or communication patterns
- Seek professional help if you're stuck or in Stage 4-5
- Be patient—meaningful progress typically takes 2-3 months
Our couples therapists in Castle Rock specialize in helping partners who have drifted apart find their way back to each other. Whether you need help communicating, resolving old issues, or simply reconnecting, we are here.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the greater South Denver area.
In-person and telehealth sessions available.
Kayla is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of South Denver Therapy. She specializes in helping couples reconnect after growing apart, heal from infidelity, and build stronger relationships. With over a decade of experience, she has helped hundreds of couples in Castle Rock and the South Denver area find their way back to each other.
Related Articles in This Series
This article is part of our emotional connection series. Continue reading with these related guides:
Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner? The 8 Real Reasons Why - Identify your specific type of disconnection and get a personalized reconnection roadmap.
Building Emotional Intimacy: 18 Ways to Deepen Your Connection - Therapist-approved strategies to create the closeness you are craving.
Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage? You Are Not Alone - Why married loneliness happens and how to find your way back to each other.
Emotional Distance After Baby: How to Reconnect With Your Partner - Navigate the relationship challenges that come with new parenthood.
For practical tools to reconnect, download our free Couples Intimacy and Bonding Exercise Guide or explore our full library of free therapy resources.
