Building Emotional Intimacy: 18 Ways to Deepen Your Connection
Emotional intimacy is the feeling of deep connection and closeness that comes from truly knowing your partner and being truly known by them. It is built through vulnerability, consistent presence, and emotional safety.
Feeling seen, understood, and accepted for who you really are
Vulnerability, time, trust, and consistent emotional presence
👇 Keep reading for 18 specific ways to build emotional intimacy
You can be married for twenty years and still feel like strangers.
You can share a bed every night, eat dinner at the same table, and raise children together. But somewhere along the way, the closeness fades. The deep knowing. The feeling that this person truly sees you.
That feeling is emotional intimacy. And when it disappears, even the most committed relationships start to feel hollow.
Here is what most people do not realize: emotional intimacy is not something you have or do not have. It is something you build. Every single day.
Some couples naturally maintain it. Most couples have to work at it, especially after years together, after kids, after careers take over, after life gets busy.
This guide gives you 18 specific ways to build emotional intimacy with your partner. These are the same strategies we teach couples in therapy. They work because they are based on decades of research into what actually makes relationships last.
Whether you are feeling disconnected from your partner, trying to prevent drifting apart, or just want to deepen what you already have, these practices will help.
⏱️ Reading time: 16 minutes | Includes connection exercises and conversation starters
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is the feeling of being deeply connected to another person. It is knowing your partner's inner world, their fears, dreams, wounds, and joys, and feeling that they know yours.
It is different from physical intimacy, though the two are connected. You can have physical closeness without emotional closeness. Many couples do. But emotional intimacy is what makes physical intimacy meaningful rather than mechanical.
Emotional intimacy is also different from simply spending time together. You can sit on the same couch every night for years and never share what is really on your mind. Proximity is not the same as connection.
True emotional intimacy requires:
Vulnerability. The willingness to let your partner see your real self, including the parts you are not proud of.
Safety. The trust that your partner will not use your vulnerabilities against you.
Presence. Actually being there, emotionally and mentally, not just physically.
Curiosity. Ongoing interest in who your partner is becoming, not just who they were when you met.
Responsiveness. Showing up when your partner reaches out for connection.
When these elements come together, couples describe feeling "at home" with each other. They feel understood. They feel like they can be themselves without fear.
Not sure where you stand? Take our free attachment style quiz to understand how your attachment patterns may be affecting your capacity for emotional closeness.
Why Emotional Intimacy Matters More Than You Think
You might think physical attraction is what holds couples together. Or shared goals. Or compatibility. And those things matter.
But research from the Gottman Institute consistently shows that emotional intimacy is the strongest predictor of relationship satisfaction and longevity. Couples with high emotional intimacy report being happier together. They handle conflict better. They are more satisfied with their sex lives. And they are far less likely to divorce.
Why is emotional intimacy so powerful?
It creates a secure base. When you feel truly known and accepted by your partner, you feel safer in the world. You have someone in your corner. This security allows you to take risks, handle stress, and grow as a person.
It makes physical intimacy better. When you feel emotionally connected, physical touch becomes more meaningful. Many couples who struggle with physical intimacy find that the root issue is actually emotional distance.
It buffers against conflict. Couples with strong emotional bonds still fight. But they fight differently. They can disagree without feeling like enemies because the underlying connection remains intact. This is why learning to communicate better in relationships matters so much.
It prevents loneliness. One of the most painful experiences in life is feeling lonely in your marriage. You can be surrounded by people, even sharing a life with someone, and still feel completely alone. Emotional intimacy is the antidote.
It helps you weather storms. Life throws challenges at every couple. Job loss. Health crises. Family problems. Couples with strong emotional intimacy face these storms together rather than being torn apart by them.
- Sexual connection
- Physical affection and touch
- Cuddling and closeness
- Can exist without emotional depth
- Often fades with stress or age
- Deep knowing and understanding
- Feeling safe to be vulnerable
- Sharing fears, dreams, and wounds
- Foundation for meaningful physical intimacy
- Can deepen with time and intention
The research is clear: Emotional intimacy enhances physical intimacy. But physical intimacy without emotional connection often leaves couples feeling empty.
Signs Your Emotional Intimacy Is Fading
Before we get to the 18 ways to build emotional intimacy, it helps to recognize when connection is slipping away. These signs often appear gradually, so they can be easy to miss.
You stop sharing the small things. You used to tell your partner about your day, your thoughts, your random observations. Now you keep those to yourself.
Conversations become logistical. You talk about schedules, kids, and household tasks. But you rarely talk about feelings, dreams, or what is really on your mind.
You feel lonely even when together. You might be in the same room, but it feels like you are on different planets. This is one of the most painful signs of growing apart in marriage.
Physical intimacy feels disconnected. Sex becomes routine or disappears entirely. When you are physically close, it feels mechanical rather than meaningful.
You stop turning toward each other. When something good or bad happens, you do not think to share it with your partner first. You have stopped reaching for each other.
You do not know what is going on in their life. You could not name their current stress, their recent joy, or what they are looking forward to.
Conflict feels personal. Instead of working together against problems, you feel like opponents. The Four Horsemen of relationships, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, have crept in.
You have separate lives. You have your friends, they have theirs. You have your hobbies, they have theirs. Your lives are parallel rather than intertwined.
If you recognize several of these signs, do not panic. Emotional intimacy can be rebuilt. It takes intention and effort, but couples do it every day.
Wondering if your relationship needs attention? Take our free relationship health quiz to assess where you stand.
Check any that apply to your relationship right now:
Scoring: 0-1 checked = Normal fluctuations. 2-3 checked = Time to prioritize connection. 4+ checked = Emotional distance is significant—the strategies below can help.
18 Ways to Build Emotional Intimacy
Now for the practical strategies. These 18 approaches are organized into four categories: daily habits, deeper practices, vulnerability builders, and intimacy repairs for couples who have drifted apart.
Start with one or two that resonate most. You do not need to do all 18 at once. Small, consistent efforts matter more than big gestures.
Daily Connection Habits: Ways 1-5
These first five practices are simple things you can do every day to maintain emotional connection.
1. Practice Daily Check-Ins
The couples with the strongest emotional bonds have rituals of connection. One of the most powerful is the daily check-in.
This does not need to be a long conversation. Even five to ten minutes of focused attention can make a huge difference.
Ask each other: "How are you really doing today?" Then actually listen to the answer. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Be curious.
The goal is to stay current with each other's inner lives. When you know what your partner is stressed about, excited about, and thinking about, you stay connected even during busy seasons.
Use these questions to stay connected, even on your busiest days:
Pro tip: Schedule this for the same time each day—after dinner, before bed, or during morning coffee. Consistency matters more than length.
2. Turn Toward Bids for Connection
Gottman's research on bids for connection identifies these small moments as one of the most important predictors of relationship success. A bid is any attempt your partner makes to connect with you.
It could be obvious: "Can we talk about something?" Or subtle: a sigh, a comment about something they read, pointing out something outside the window.
When your partner makes a bid, you can turn toward it (engaging with them), turn away from it (ignoring them), or turn against it (responding with irritation).
Couples who turn toward each other's bids 86% of the time stay together. Couples who turn toward only 33% of the time do not.
Start noticing your partner's bids. When they share something, however small, engage. This is how emotional intimacy is built moment by moment.
Want to get better at recognizing bids? Take our emotional bids recognition quiz to see how well you spot and respond to connection attempts.
"Wow, that is beautiful. Come sit with me."
*continues scrolling phone*
"I'm busy. You always interrupt me."
"Tell me about it. What happened?"
"Mmhmm." *changes subject*
"You think YOUR day was hard?"
Hold their hand, squeeze gently
Do not notice, keep watching
Pull hand away, seem annoyed
The research: Couples who stay together turn toward bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorce turn toward only 33% of the time. Take our Emotional Bids Quiz →
3. Create Rituals of Connection
Beyond daily check-ins, emotionally intimate couples have rituals that are uniquely theirs.
This might be:
Coffee together every morning before the day starts
A real goodbye kiss, not just a peck
A walk around the neighborhood after dinner
Sunday morning breakfast in bed
A weekly date night
A bedtime ritual where you talk before sleep
The specific ritual matters less than having rituals at all. These become the touchpoints that keep you connected through busy seasons.
If you have drifted away from your rituals, or never had them, now is the time to create them. Ask your partner: "What daily or weekly ritual would help you feel more connected to me?"
Need ideas? Download our free Couples Intimacy and Bonding Exercise Guide for 20+ connection activities you can try this week.
4. Put Down the Phone
This sounds so simple, but it is one of the hardest things for modern couples.
Phones are connection killers. When you are scrolling while your partner is talking, you are telling them that random internet content matters more than they do. Research on "phubbing" (phone snubbing) shows that even having your phone visible on the table reduces the depth of conversation and relationship satisfaction.
Create phone-free zones and times. During meals. During your daily check-in. In the bedroom. During the first hour you are home from work.
When your partner is talking to you, put the phone face-down or in another room. Give them your full attention. This single change can transform your relationship.
5. Express Appreciation Daily
Emotionally connected couples do not save appreciation for special occasions. They express it constantly.
"Thank you for making coffee." "I love how you handled that with the kids." "I noticed you cleaned the kitchen. That means a lot." "You looked really good today."
These small statements of appreciation create a positive emotional climate. They remind your partner that you see them and value them.
Aim for at least five positive interactions for every negative one. This 5:1 ratio, discovered by Gottman's research, is the magic number for relationship health.
Deeper Connection Practices: Ways 6-10
These practices go beyond daily habits to create deeper levels of knowing and being known.
6. Ask Better Questions
"How was your day?" usually gets a one-word answer. If you want to build emotional intimacy, you need to ask better questions.
Instead of surface-level questions, ask questions that invite your partner to share their inner world:
"What made you laugh today?"
"What was the hardest part of your week?"
"What are you most excited about right now?"
"Is there anything you have been worrying about?"
"What is something you have been thinking about but have not told me?"
The key is genuine curiosity. You are not interrogating. You are showing interest in who your partner is and how they experience life.
Inspired by Dr. Arthur Aron's famous 36 Questions study, these prompts can create closeness between strangers—or deepen bonds between partners who have known each other for years.
Want more conversation starters? Download our free guide
7. Share Your Dreams and Fears
Most couples know each other's preferences. What they like to eat. What shows they enjoy. Where they want to vacation.
Fewer couples know each other's deeper dreams and fears. What do they secretly hope for? What keeps them up at night? What do they wish they could do with their life?
Make space for these conversations. They do not happen naturally. You have to create opportunities for them.
Try asking: "What is a dream you have that you have not talked about in a while?" or "What is something you are scared of that you do not usually admit?"
When your partner shares, listen without judgment. Do not try to fix or dismiss. Just receive what they are telling you.
8. Create Shared Meaning
Emotionally intimate couples have shared stories, shared goals, and shared meaning. They are not just two individuals living parallel lives. They are building something together.
This might look like:
Shared values you both commit to
Traditions and rituals that are uniquely yours
Goals you are working toward together
A shared vision of what your family is about
Inside jokes and shared memories you reference
Ask yourselves: What are we building together? What is our shared purpose beyond just coexisting?
For couples who feel they have grown apart in marriage, reconnecting around shared meaning can be a powerful path back.
9. Support Each Other's Individual Growth
Paradoxically, emotional intimacy requires that you also support each other's individuality.
In the healthiest relationships, both partners continue to grow as individuals. They pursue their own interests, maintain their own friendships, and develop as people.
The key is supporting that growth rather than feeling threatened by it. Celebrate your partner's achievements. Encourage their interests. Give them space to be their own person.
When both partners are growing, they bring new energy and experiences back to the relationship. When partners stagnate or feel held back, resentment builds.
10. Be Curious About Their Current Life
You knew your partner deeply when you fell in love. But people change. Are you staying current with who they are becoming?
Pay attention to:
What excites them now (not just what excited them years ago)
What stresses them currently
How their views have evolved
What they are learning about themselves
What they need from you in this season of life
Stay curious. Ask follow-up questions. Notice changes. The person you married is constantly evolving. Make sure you are keeping up.
Can you answer these questions about your partner? If not, ask them.
- What is their biggest current stress?
- What are they looking forward to?
- What is their current biggest goal?
- What is their biggest fear?
- What is their life dream?
- What makes them feel most loved?
- What was their childhood wound?
- Who influenced them most?
- What was their proudest moment?
- What is their ideal vacation?
- How do they like to de-stress?
- What makes a perfect day?
Gottman calls this your partner's "Love Map"—the part of your brain where you store information about your partner's world.
Vulnerability Builders: Ways 11-14
Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. These four strategies help you open up and invite your partner to do the same.
11. Share Your Struggles, Not Just Your Successes
Many couples only share the good stuff. They hide their struggles, failures, and insecurities.
But vulnerability, sharing the parts of yourself you usually hide, is what creates true intimacy. Brené Brown's research on vulnerability shows that it is the birthplace of connection. When you let your partner see you struggling, you give them the opportunity to support you. When you hide your struggles, you keep them at arm's length.
Try saying:
"I am having a hard time with something. Can I talk to you about it?"
"I made a mistake today and I feel bad about it."
"I have been feeling insecure about something."
Your partner cannot support what they do not know about. Let them in.
12. Admit When You Are Wrong
This is one of the hardest forms of vulnerability. And one of the most powerful.
When you admit you were wrong, you show your partner that being right matters less to you than the relationship. You model humility. You create safety for them to admit their own mistakes.
Saying "I was wrong" or "I am sorry, you were right" costs nothing and builds trust enormously.
If taking responsibility is hard for you, you might notice the pursuer-withdrawer pattern or defensiveness showing up in your conflicts. Learning to take ownership breaks these cycles.
13. Share Your Needs Directly
Many couples expect their partners to read their minds. Then they feel hurt when their needs go unmet.
Emotional intimacy requires direct communication. Tell your partner what you need.
"I need some time to myself this weekend to recharge."
"I need more physical affection from you."
"I need you to listen without trying to fix things."
"I need help with the kids in the evenings."
"I need to feel like a priority."
Your partner cannot meet needs they do not know about. Asking for what you need is not demanding. It is giving your partner the information they need to love you well.
Understanding each other's love language can help here too. When you know how your partner best receives love, you can meet their needs more effectively.
Understanding your partner's love language helps you meet their needs more effectively.
14. Receive Your Partner's Vulnerability Well
Vulnerability is a two-way street. You can share openly, but if your partner's vulnerability is met with judgment, dismissal, or weaponization, the intimacy will collapse.
When your partner shares something vulnerable:
Do:
Listen fully without interrupting
Thank them for trusting you
Validate their feelings
Ask how you can support them
Keep what they share confidential
Do not:
Minimize what they shared
Try to fix it immediately
Make it about yourself
Bring it up later in arguments
Share it with others without permission
How you respond to your partner's vulnerability determines whether they will risk being vulnerable again. Treat their trust as the gift it is.
Intimacy Repairs: Ways 15-18
If emotional intimacy has eroded in your relationship, these strategies help rebuild it.
15. Acknowledge the Distance
If you have drifted apart, the first step is naming it. Pretending everything is fine only prolongs the disconnect.
Have an honest conversation: "I feel like we have gotten distant from each other. I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what has been happening and how to reconnect?"
This conversation might be uncomfortable. But it opens the door to change. Many couples are relieved when one partner finally says what both have been feeling.
If you are feeling disconnected from your partner, acknowledging it is where healing begins.
16. Repair After Conflict
How you repair after arguments matters as much as how you argue.
Couples with high emotional intimacy do not just move on after fights. They repair. They talk about what happened. They take responsibility for their part. They reconnect physically and emotionally.
A repair might sound like:
"I am sorry for how I spoke to you earlier. That was not okay."
"I think we both got triggered. Can we talk about what was really going on?"
"I love you. Even when we fight, I want you to know that."
Learning to fight fair and repair quickly keeps conflict from eroding your connection.
If one of you tends to shut down during conflict, you may be dealing with stonewalling. Take our stonewalling quiz to find out.
Use this process after arguments to prevent emotional erosion:
For more on healthy conflict, read our guide to fair fighting rules for couples.
17. Schedule Intentional Connection Time
When emotional intimacy has faded, you have to be intentional about rebuilding it. Connection will not happen by accident.
Schedule regular time for just the two of you. This is not about running errands together or discussing household logistics. This is about reconnecting.
Ideas:
Weekly date nights (at home or out)
Morning coffee before the day starts
A weekend getaway without kids
A nightly ritual of talking before bed
Protect this time fiercely. Say no to other things that would encroach on it. Your relationship needs this investment.
If you have young children, this is especially important. Emotional distance after baby is incredibly common, and intentional connection time is how couples maintain their bond through the exhausting early years.
18. Get Professional Support
If you have tried to rebuild emotional intimacy on your own without success, consider working with a couples therapist.
A therapist can:
Help you see patterns you cannot see yourselves
Teach skills tailored to your specific relationship
Create safety for vulnerable conversations
Address underlying wounds or attachment issues
Guide you through the rebuild process
There is no shame in getting help. Couples counseling exists precisely for this reason, to help couples find their way back to each other.
If you are feeling especially stuck, a couples counseling intensive can create breakthrough progress in days rather than months.
At South Denver Therapy, we help couples in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and Littleton build the emotional intimacy that makes relationships thrive. Whether you're feeling disconnected or just want to deepen your bond, our couples therapists are here to help.
Check any that apply to your relationship:
If you checked any of these, couples therapy can help. Schedule a free consultation →
The 18 Ways at a Glance
Here is a quick reference for all 18 strategies:
2. Turn toward bids for connection
3. Create rituals of connection
4. Put down the phone
5. Express appreciation daily
7. Share your dreams and fears
8. Create shared meaning
9. Support individual growth
10. Stay curious about their life
12. Admit when you are wrong
13. Share your needs directly
14. Receive vulnerability well
16. Repair after conflict
17. Schedule intentional time
18. Get professional support
Start with one or two. Consistency matters more than doing everything at once. Download our free exercise guide →
- Emotional intimacy is knowing your partner deeply and feeling truly known by them
- It is built through daily habits like check-ins, turning toward bids, and expressing appreciation
- Vulnerability is the key ingredient—sharing struggles, admitting mistakes, and expressing needs directly
- Couples with high emotional intimacy have 86% turn-toward rate and maintain a 5:1 positive to negative ratio
- If you have drifted apart, acknowledge the distance, repair after conflict, and consider couples therapy
Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Intimacy
What is emotional intimacy in a relationship?
Emotional intimacy is the feeling of deep connection that comes from truly knowing your partner and being truly known by them. It involves sharing your inner world, including your fears, dreams, vulnerabilities, and joys, while feeling safe and accepted. Emotional intimacy is built through vulnerability, trust, consistent presence, and responsive communication. Couples with high emotional intimacy feel like their partner truly "gets" them.
How long does it take to build emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy develops over time through consistent connection. For new couples, foundational intimacy typically builds over months of regular vulnerability and trust-building. For couples rebuilding intimacy after a period of distance, noticeable improvements often appear within 4-6 weeks of intentional effort. However, deep emotional intimacy is an ongoing process, not a destination. Couples who maintain strong connections continue building intimacy throughout their relationship.
Can emotional intimacy exist without physical intimacy?
Yes, emotional intimacy can exist independently of physical intimacy. Many couples maintain deep emotional connections during periods when physical intimacy is limited, such as after childbirth, during illness, or when separated by distance. However, for most couples, emotional and physical intimacy enhance each other. Physical touch releases oxytocin, which strengthens emotional bonds, while emotional safety makes physical intimacy more meaningful and satisfying.
What destroys emotional intimacy in a relationship?
Several patterns erode emotional intimacy: criticism and contempt, which make partners feel unsafe being vulnerable; stonewalling and avoidance, which prevent connection; betrayal and broken trust; chronic busyness that leaves no time for connection; technology distractions; and taking each other for granted. The Four Horsemen of relationships (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are particularly destructive to emotional closeness.
Why is my partner not emotionally intimate with me?
There are many possible reasons. Your partner may have an avoidant attachment style that makes closeness feel threatening. They may have experienced past rejection or betrayal that makes vulnerability feel risky. They may not have learned emotional intimacy skills growing up. There may be unresolved relationship issues creating distance. Or they may be struggling with stress, depression, or other factors affecting their capacity for connection. Understanding the root cause is the first step toward addressing it.
How do I tell my partner I need more emotional intimacy?
Express your need directly and without criticism. Try: "I have been missing feeling close to you. I would love to have more time to really connect, to talk about more than just logistics and to know what is going on in your heart. Would you be open to trying some things together?" Focus on what you want more of, not what your partner is doing wrong. Make it a team effort rather than a complaint. Be specific about what emotional intimacy looks like to you so your partner knows what you are asking for.
Related Articles in This Series
This article is part of our emotional connection series. Explore these related guides to go deeper:
Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner? The Real Reasons Why – Understand the 8 hidden reasons couples disconnect and practical steps to rebuild your bond.
Growing Apart in Marriage? How to Reconnect When You've Drifted – Why couples drift and the 30-day reconnection plan that helps you find each other again.
Feeling Lonely in Marriage: Why It Happens and What Helps – Why married loneliness is so common and 9 ways to reconnect with your spouse.
Emotional Distance After Baby: How to Reconnect as Partners – Why 67% of couples feel more distant after having a baby and how to maintain your connection.
For communication skills that support emotional intimacy, see our complete guide to how to communicate better in relationships. And for practical tools you can use today, explore our free therapy resources and worksheets.
Building a Relationship Where You Are Truly Known
Emotional intimacy is not a destination. It is a practice.
Some seasons of life will feel more connected than others. Young children, career demands, health crises, all of these can strain your emotional bond. That is normal.
What matters is the ongoing intention to stay close. To keep reaching for each other. To prioritize the relationship even when life gets busy.
The couples who maintain emotional intimacy over decades are not lucky. They are intentional. They put down their phones. They ask real questions. They share what is really going on. They repair quickly after conflict. They choose connection over comfort.
You can be that kind of couple.
Start with one practice from this guide. Do it for a week. Then add another. Small, consistent efforts compound over time.
Your relationship is worth protecting. And you are more capable of building deep connection than you might realize.
Our couples therapists in Castle Rock specialize in helping partners build the emotional intimacy that makes relationships last.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, Littleton, and the greater South Denver area.
In-person and telehealth sessions available.
This article was written by Kayla Crane, LMFT, lead couples therapist at South Denver Therapy. Kayla specializes in helping couples build emotional intimacy and create lasting connection.Last Updated: December 2025
