How Depression Affects Relationships: A Guide for Couples
Depression doesn't just affect one person. It moves into your relationship like an uninvited guest, changing how you communicate, connect, and care for each other. If you've noticed more distance between you and your partner lately—more misunderstandings, less intimacy, conversations that go nowhere—depression might be playing a bigger role than you realize.
Here's something most couples don't know: therapists who work with couples routinely screen for depression because it's so often at the heart of relationship problems. The fighting, the withdrawal, the feeling that you're growing apart—these aren't always "relationship issues." Sometimes, they're depression symptoms showing up in your marriage.
This guide is for both of you. Whether you're the partner with depression or the one watching someone you love struggle, understanding how depression affects relationships is the first step toward reconnecting.
Depression & Relationships: Key Facts
The Hidden Ways Depression Shows Up in Your Relationship
Depression rarely announces itself with a sign that says, "I'm the reason you're fighting." Instead, it disguises itself as relationship problems.
Your partner seems distant? Depression creates emotional numbness that can make everything—including your relationship—feel meaningless. They still love you. They just can't feel it right now.
You're fighting more than ever? Depression often shows up as irritability, not sadness. Small annoyances become explosive arguments. Everything feels like criticism. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, irritability is one of the most overlooked symptoms of depression, especially in men.
The intimacy is gone? Research shows that about one-third of men and 42% of women with depression experience decreased libido. It's not about attraction. It's about a brain that's struggling to feel pleasure. If you're experiencing a sexless marriage, depression may be a factor.
⚠️ Warning Signs: Depression Disguised as Relationship Problems
If 3 or more apply, depression may be affecting your relationship
What Depression Does to Communication
Communication is the foundation of any relationship, and depression attacks it from multiple angles.
Depression affects how someone processes information. They may have trouble concentrating on what you're saying, forget conversations you've had, or struggle to find words to express what they're feeling. This isn't them tuning you out—it's a cognitive symptom of depression that affects memory and concentration.
Depression also distorts perception. A neutral comment can sound like criticism. A suggestion to help can feel like an attack. When someone is depressed, their brain is filtering everything through a lens of negativity and worthlessness, making misunderstandings inevitable. Learning how to communicate better in your relationship becomes even more important during these times.
When depression enters a relationship, communication often becomes the first casualty. Partners stop hearing what each other actually means. A simple 'how was your day?' can feel like an interrogation to someone who's depressed. Understanding this isn't about blame—it's about recognizing what you're really dealing with.
Many couples fall into what therapists call a pursuer-withdrawer pattern. One partner tries to engage, asking questions, suggesting activities, reaching out. The other partner withdraws further, feeling overwhelmed by even simple requests. The more one pursues, the more the other retreats. Both end up feeling alone.
The "Falling Out of Love" Feeling (That Isn't What It Seems)
This might be the most painful part of depression in relationships: the person with depression may genuinely feel like they've fallen out of love.
Depression causes emotional numbness—a symptom called "emotional blunting"—that mutes positive emotions like love, joy, and affection. Meanwhile, negative emotions like anger and frustration can actually feel stronger because they temporarily break through the numbness.
So your partner might seem unable to show love but quick to show frustration. They might question whether they ever loved you at all. They might feel nothing when they look at you, even though they remember feeling something before.
This creates an agonizing situation for both partners. The person with depression believes their relationship is the problem. The partner without depression feels rejected, unloved, and confused about what went wrong. Many describe feeling disconnected from their partner without understanding why.
Here's what research tells us: Many people who question their love during depression find that those feelings return once the depression is treated. The emotional fog lifts, and the love that was always there becomes accessible again.
How Depression Affects Physical Intimacy
Let's talk about sex—because this is where many couples feel the impact most acutely.
Depression affects physical intimacy in multiple ways. Low energy and fatigue make physical activity of any kind feel exhausting. Anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure) can make sex feel pointless. Negative self-image makes people feel unattractive and undeserving of intimacy. And some antidepressant medications can further reduce libido as a side effect.
How Depression Affects Physical Intimacy
Remember: Changes in intimacy are symptoms of depression—not statements about attraction or love.
For the partner without depression, this can feel devastating. You might interpret the lack of physical affection as rejection. You might worry that you're no longer attractive or desirable. You might feel angry that your needs aren't being met. This often contributes to roommate syndrome in marriage.
For the partner with depression, sex might feel like one more demand they can't meet. They might feel guilt about their inability to connect physically, which only deepens their depression.
The key is understanding that changes in intimacy are symptoms of depression—not statements about you or your relationship. Building emotional intimacy can help maintain connection during this time.
When Your Partner Has Depression: A Guide for the Supporting Spouse
If your partner is the one struggling with depression, you're in an incredibly difficult position. You want to help, but you may not know how. You might feel like you're losing the person you fell in love with.
I often tell the partners of depressed individuals: your job is not to cure them. Your job is to stay connected while they get the help they need. That's harder than it sounds—and it's also more powerful than you realize. Your steady presence matters, even when it feels like nothing is working.
First, know this: you cannot fix your partner's depression. This isn't a failure on your part—it's simply the nature of depression. It's a medical condition that requires professional treatment, not just love and support. The American Psychological Association emphasizes that depression is a treatable condition, but it typically requires professional intervention.
What you can do is create an environment that supports their recovery while protecting your own mental health.
Do:
Encourage them to seek professional help without ultimatums
Learn about depression so you can recognize symptoms
Maintain some normal routines and activities together
Express love even when it's not reciprocated
Set gentle boundaries around harmful behaviors
Take care of your own mental health
Don't:
Take their symptoms personally (even when it's hard not to)
Try to "fix" them or cheer them up through sheer effort
Ignore your own needs entirely
Enable avoidance of treatment
Threaten to leave unless they "get better"
Supporting Your Partner: Do's and Don'ts
✅ Do
- Encourage professional help gently
- Learn about depression symptoms
- Maintain some normal routines together
- Express love even when not reciprocated
- Set gentle boundaries
- Take care of your own mental health
❌ Don't
- Take symptoms personally
- Try to "fix" them through sheer effort
- Ignore your own needs entirely
- Enable avoidance of treatment
- Issue ultimatums about getting better
- Make major decisions during crisis
When You're the One With Depression: How to Protect Your Relationship
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself—if depression is affecting how you show up in your relationship—here's what you need to know.
Your depression is lying to you about your relationship. When depression tells you that you've fallen out of love, that your partner would be better off without you, that there's no point in trying—those are symptoms, not truths. Review the 15 signs of depression to understand how these distortions work.
The most important thing you can do for your relationship is get treatment for your depression. This isn't selfish. It's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't fully show up for your partner when depression has stolen your ability to feel.
What Depression Tells You vs. What's Actually True
Don't make major relationship decisions while depressed.
Ways to protect your relationship while dealing with depression:
Communicate what you're experiencing. Your partner can't read your mind. Saying, "I'm having a really hard day and I don't have much to give right now" is better than silent withdrawal.
Let your partner know it's not about them. Depression makes you withdraw from everything, not just your relationship. Reassure your partner that your distance isn't rejection.
Accept help when it's offered. When your partner suggests going for a walk or offers to handle dinner, try to say yes when you can. These small acceptances maintain connection.
Don't make major relationship decisions while depressed. Depression distorts thinking. This isn't the time to decide whether your relationship should continue. If you're questioning signs your marriage is over, consider getting treatment first.
Caregiver Burnout: When Supporting Your Partner Is Wearing You Down
Here's something we need to talk about honestly: supporting a partner with depression is exhausting.
Research from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) shows that about 20% of family caregivers experience depression themselves. You may be taking on extra household responsibilities, managing more of the emotional labor, and worrying constantly about your partner—all while receiving less emotional support than you need.
🔥 Signs You May Be Experiencing Caregiver Burnout
Remember: Taking care of yourself isn't abandoning your partner. It's the only way to support them sustainably.
Caregiver burnout is real, and it doesn't mean you've failed or that you don't love your partner enough. It means you're human, and you need support too. If you're also experiencing signs of burnout, you're not alone.
Signs you might be experiencing caregiver burnout include feeling resentful toward your partner, exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix, withdrawing from friends and activities you enjoy, feeling hopeless about the relationship, and neglecting your own physical health.
If this sounds familiar, please know: taking care of yourself isn't abandoning your partner. In fact, it's the only way you can continue to support them sustainably.
When Couples Therapy Can Help
Here's encouraging news: couples therapy is effective for relationships affected by depression. Research shows that couples therapy is as effective as individual therapy for treating depression symptoms—and it's actually better at improving relationship satisfaction.
When one partner has depression, couples therapy helps by:
Teaching both partners about how depression affects relationships
Improving communication patterns that have become strained
Reducing the blame and frustration that build up over time
Helping the non-depressed partner understand symptoms vs. choices
Creating strategies both partners can use together
What I see over and over in my practice is couples who come in thinking they have fundamental incompatibilities—and it turns out depression has been driving the bus. Once we address the depression, they rediscover the connection they thought was gone forever. It's one of the most rewarding parts of this work.
Studies from Johns Hopkins Medicine show that 70-73% of couples undergoing emotionally focused therapy recover from relationship distress within 10-12 sessions. That's not years of therapy—that's a few months of focused work that can transform your relationship.
At South Denver Therapy, Kayla Crane specializes in helping couples navigate the intersection of depression and relationship challenges. Often, what they thought were fundamental incompatibilities turn out to be treatable symptoms. Once the depression lifts, couples often rediscover the connection they thought they'd lost.
Practical Strategies for Reconnecting
Depression makes everything harder, including working on your relationship. But there are small, manageable steps you can take together.
Start with ten minutes a day. Even when energy is low, try to spend ten minutes of focused time together. No phones, no TV—just being present with each other. This could be coffee in the morning, a short walk after dinner, or just sitting together on the couch.
Lower the bar for "quality time." When depression is involved, "date night" might mean watching a show together on the couch. That counts. Parallel activities—reading in the same room, working on different projects together—still build connection. For ideas, check out our date night ideas in Denver that work for low-energy days too.
💚 Small Steps to Stay Connected
10 Minutes Daily
Coffee together in the morning, a short walk after dinner, or just sitting together without screens.
Parallel Activities
Watching a show together, reading in the same room, or working on projects side by side counts as connection.
Non-Sexual Touch
Holding hands, hugging, sitting close together. Physical connection without pressure.
Weekly Check-Ins
"How are you really?" and "What's one thing I could do this week?" Create space for honest conversation.
Lower the bar. Progress over perfection. Small wins matter.
Focus on physical touch that isn't sexual. Holding hands, hugging, sitting close together—these forms of physical affection release oxytocin and maintain connection without the pressure of sex. When either partner feels overwhelmed by sexual intimacy, non-sexual touch keeps the physical bond alive.
Have regular check-ins. Set aside time each week to ask simple questions: "How are you really doing?" and "What's one thing I could do this week that would help?" This creates space for honest conversation without waiting for a crisis. Our relationship check-in questions can help guide these conversations.
Celebrate small wins. Did your partner shower today after struggling to get out of bed? Did you both make it through a difficult conversation without it escalating? These small victories matter. Acknowledge them.
When Individual Treatment Is Needed Too
While couples therapy can help tremendously, depression often requires individual treatment as well—therapy, medication, or both.
If you're the partner with depression and you haven't sought individual help, please consider it. Depression counseling in Castle Rock can give you a space to work through symptoms that affect your relationship without putting that burden entirely on your partner. The Cleveland Clinic notes that combining therapy with medication often provides the best outcomes.
If you're the supporting partner, individual therapy can help you process your own feelings, develop coping strategies, and protect your mental health. Many people in this situation find that their own therapy is just as important as their partner's.
Treatment Approaches That Help
Individual Therapy
For the partner with depression to work on symptoms in a focused, private setting.
Couples Therapy
Addresses how depression has affected the relationship dynamic and rebuilds connection.
Medication (When Appropriate)
Antidepressants can help rebalance brain chemistry. Often combined with therapy for best results.
Combined Approach
Many couples benefit from both individual and couples therapy running simultaneously.
Depression and anxiety often occur together. If you're also dealing with anxiety symptoms, our anxiety therapy in Castle Rock addresses both conditions.
The Good News: Depression Is Treatable
Here's what we want you to take away from this: according to the World Health Organization, up to 80-90% of people with depression respond to treatment.
The strain that depression is putting on your relationship right now? It can get better. The emotional distance, the communication struggles, the lost intimacy—these don't have to be permanent. Our 2025 depression statistics show that effective treatments are available and accessible.
Many couples find that going through depression together actually strengthens their relationship. They learn to communicate more openly, to support each other through difficult times, and to appreciate what they have. The crisis becomes a turning point.
Getting Help in Castle Rock
If depression is affecting your relationship, you don't have to figure this out alone. At South Denver Therapy, Kayla Crane, LMFT specializes in helping couples navigate the intersection of depression and relationship challenges.
Whether you need individual depression counseling, couples therapy, or both, we're here to help. Many of our Castle Rock, Parker, and Highlands Ranch clients start with one type of therapy and add the other as needed. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) recommends a combination of therapy and support for best results.
Depression Doesn't Have to Define Your Relationship
If depression is affecting your connection, we can help. Our Castle Rock therapists specialize in helping couples navigate this together.
Serving Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch & South Denver
Frequently Asked Questions
Can depression make you fall out of love? Depression can make you feel like you've fallen out of love, but this feeling is usually a symptom rather than reality. Depression causes emotional numbness that mutes positive emotions like love and affection. Many people find that their loving feelings return once depression is treated. If you're questioning your feelings during a depressive episode, avoid making major relationship decisions until you've received treatment.
How do I support my partner with depression without burning out? Supporting a partner with depression requires balancing care for them with care for yourself. Set realistic expectations about what you can provide, maintain your own friendships and activities, consider joining a support group or seeing a therapist yourself, and remember that you can't cure their depression through effort alone. Taking breaks and asking for help isn't selfish—it's necessary for sustainable support. The Mayo Clinic offers additional guidance for family members.
Should we do couples therapy or individual therapy for depression? Often, both are helpful. Individual therapy allows the depressed partner to work on symptoms in a focused way, while couples therapy addresses how depression has affected the relationship dynamic. Research shows couples therapy is as effective as individual therapy for depression symptoms and better at improving relationship satisfaction. A therapist can help you determine the right approach for your situation.
Is it normal for depression to cause relationship problems? Yes, very normal. Research consistently shows that depression significantly increases relationship conflict and decreases satisfaction. Symptoms like irritability, withdrawal, communication difficulties, and reduced intimacy directly impact how couples interact. Recognizing that these problems stem from depression—not fundamental relationship failure—is the first step toward addressing them.
What if my partner won't get help for their depression? This is one of the most difficult situations. You can't force someone to seek treatment, but you can express your concerns lovingly, share specific observations about how their symptoms are affecting you and the relationship, and set boundaries around what you will and won't accept. Couples therapy can sometimes be an easier first step than individual therapy. If they refuse all help and the relationship is suffering, consider seeking therapy for yourself to work through your options.
How long does it take for depression to stop affecting our relationship? This varies based on the severity of depression and the treatment approach, but improvement typically begins within weeks to months of starting effective treatment. Relationship patterns may take longer to shift because both partners have developed habits that need to change. Couples therapy can accelerate this process by directly addressing relationship dynamics alongside depression treatment.
If depression is affecting your relationship, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Contact South Denver Therapy to schedule a consultation and start rebuilding your connection.
