The 7 Stages of Grief: What to Actually Expect
You've probably heard of "the 5 stages of grief." It's one of those ideas that's become part of our culture—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Neat. Tidy. Linear.
But here's the problem: that model was never meant to describe how most people actually grieve. The woman who created it, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed those 5 stages in 1969 in her book "On Death and Dying" to describe what dying patients experience—not their family members afterward.
The 7 stages of grief model offers a more complete and realistic picture. It accounts for the messy, back-and-forth nature of real grief. And understanding these stages won't just help you make sense of what you're feeling—it might actually help you heal.
What Are the 7 Stages of Grief?
The 7 stages of grief expand on Kübler-Ross's original model by adding shock at the beginning and testing/reconstruction near the end. This creates a framework that better reflects the actual human experience of loss.
The 7 stages of grief are:
Shock and Disbelief – Numbness immediately after the loss
Denial – Refusing to accept the reality
Anger – Frustration and irritability
Bargaining – "What if" and "if only" thinking
Depression – Deep sadness and withdrawal
Testing and Reconstruction – Trying new ways to cope
Acceptance and Hope – Finding peace and meaning
Before we go deeper into each stage, let me be clear about something: these stages are not a checklist. You won't move neatly from one to the next. You might experience several at once. You might skip some entirely. You might circle back to earlier stages months or years later.
That's normal. That's grief.
of Americans are grieving someone close within the last 3 years
of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief disorder
people die in the U.S. annually, each leaving ~5 grievers behind
of adults report grief significantly disrupted their wellbeing
Stage 1: Shock and Disbelief
The first of the 7 stages of grief is shock. This stage often begins the moment you learn about the loss.
Your brain essentially goes into protective mode. The news is too overwhelming to fully process, so your mind creates a buffer. You might feel numb, disconnected, or like you're watching everything happen from outside your body.
People in shock often describe feeling like "this isn't real" or "time has stopped." You might go through the motions of daily life—making phone calls, arranging details—while feeling like you're on autopilot.
This isn't weakness or avoidance. Shock is your brain's way of protecting you from being completely overwhelmed. It gives you time to slowly absorb information that would otherwise be unbearable to face all at once.
Common experiences during shock:
Feeling numb or emotionally flat
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Physical symptoms like racing heart, nausea, or dizziness
Sense that time is moving strangely
Going through motions without feeling present
Shock can last anywhere from hours to several weeks. The duration depends on the nature of the loss, your relationship to the person who died, and your personal history with grief.
"Shock is actually your brain's way of being kind to you. It creates a buffer so you don't have to absorb devastating news all at once. When clients feel numb or disconnected after a loss, I remind them that this isn't avoiding grief—it's pacing it."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT Lead Therapist, South Denver Therapy
Stage 2: Denial
As shock begins to wear off, denial often takes its place. Denial isn't about pretending nothing happened—it's about the difficulty of accepting a new reality that feels impossible.
You might catch yourself expecting your loved one to walk through the door. You might reach for your phone to call them before remembering. You might set a place at the table or hear their voice in a crowd.
These moments aren't signs that something is wrong with you. They're signs that your brain is slowly, painfully adjusting to a world that has fundamentally changed.
Denial serves a purpose in the grief stages. It allows you to face loss in small doses rather than being crushed by the full weight of it at once. Think of it as your psyche's natural pacing mechanism.
Some people experience denial as disbelief: "This can't be happening." Others experience it as avoidance: keeping busy, refusing to talk about the loss, or acting as if life is normal. Both are common responses to overwhelming emotions.
Denial vs. Acceptance: Understanding the Difference
😶 Denial Looks Like
- "This can't be happening"
- Expecting them to walk through the door
- Keeping busy to avoid thinking about it
- Unable to say "they died"
- Feeling disconnected from reality
💚 Acceptance Looks Like
- "This happened and it hurts"
- Speaking about them in past tense
- Making plans for the future
- Finding meaning in the loss
- Holding grief AND hope together
Both denial and acceptance are normal parts of grief. You may move between them many times.
Stage 3: Anger
Anger is one of the most misunderstood grief stages. Many people feel ashamed of their anger, believing it's "wrong" to feel rage when they're supposed to be sad. But anger is a natural part of grief.
According to the Yale Bereavement Study, anger typically peaks around five months after a loss. It can be directed at:
The person who died (for leaving you)
Medical professionals (for not doing enough)
God or the universe (for allowing this to happen)
Other family members (for grieving differently)
Yourself (for things left unsaid or undone)
The world in general (for continuing to spin)
Anger often masks deeper emotions like helplessness, fear, and pain. When those feelings are too overwhelming to face directly, anger provides an outlet. It gives you something to do with all that emotional energy.
The problem isn't feeling angry—it's what you do with that anger. Without healthy outlets, anger can damage your relationships and your own wellbeing.
Healthy ways to process anger in grief:
Physical exercise or movement
Journaling about your feelings
Talking with a grief counselor
Creative expression (art, music, writing)
Allowing yourself to feel it without judgment
🔥 Healthy Ways to Process Grief-Related Anger
Physical Movement
Walk, run, punch a pillow, exercise
Write It Out
Journal, write letters you don't send
Talk About It
With a friend, support group, or therapist
Create Something
Art, music, any creative expression
Anger in grief is normal. What matters is finding healthy outlets for it.
Stage 4: Bargaining
Bargaining is the "what if" and "if only" stage of grief. It's marked by attempts to negotiate—with God, with fate, with yourself—to somehow undo or minimize the loss.
Common bargaining thoughts include:
"If only I had called that day..."
"What if we had caught it earlier?"
"If I become a better person, maybe..."
"I'd give anything to have them back"
This stage is closely tied to feelings of guilt. You might replay events over and over, looking for something you could have done differently. You might make promises about how you'll live your life going forward, as if it could change what happened.
Bargaining is your mind's attempt to regain control in a situation where you had none. Death—whether sudden or anticipated—reminds us how little control we actually have over life. Bargaining is a way of pushing back against that terrifying truth.
If you're grieving the death of a parent, bargaining might include thoughts about conversations you wish you'd had, visits you should have made, or words you never said. This is especially common when the relationship was complicated.
The goal isn't to stop bargaining entirely, but to recognize when it becomes unproductive rumination. When "what if" thinking keeps you stuck rather than helping you process, talking to a therapist can help.
Common Bargaining Thoughts in Grief
If only I had made them go to the doctor sooner...
What if I had called them that morning instead of waiting?
If I could just go back and do things differently...
I'd give anything to have one more conversation.
Maybe if I become a better person, it will somehow undo this.
Stage 5: Depression
Depression in grief is not the same as clinical depression, though they can look similar. Grief-related depression is a natural response to profound loss. It often involves:
Deep, persistent sadness
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Changes in sleep and appetite
Difficulty concentrating
Withdrawal from social activities
Feeling like the sadness will never end
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that about 30% of bereaved individuals meet criteria for major depressive disorder after a loss. This is significantly higher than the general population rate, showing just how deeply grief affects our mental health.
This is often the longest of the grief stages. You've moved past the shock and denial that provided some protection. Now you're sitting with the full reality of the loss—and it hurts.
The sadness of grief can feel bottomless. You might wonder if you'll ever feel normal again. You might lose interest in things that used to bring you joy. These feelings don't mean you're failing at grief. They mean you're doing it.
That said, there's a difference between grief depression and a depressive episode that needs treatment. Watch for warning signs like:
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Complete inability to function in daily life
Depression lasting well beyond a year without improvement
Symptoms that seem to worsen rather than fluctuate
If you're experiencing any of these, please reach out to a mental health professional right away.
Grief vs. Clinical Depression: Key Differences
| Aspect | Normal Grief | Clinical Depression |
|---|---|---|
| Sadness Pattern | Comes in waves, often triggered by memories | Constant, pervasive sadness most of the day |
| Self-Esteem | Generally intact | Feelings of worthlessness and self-blame |
| Positive Emotions | Can still experience moments of joy or humor | Unable to feel pleasure (anhedonia) |
| Thoughts of Death | Wishing to be with the deceased | Suicidal ideation, wanting to end own life |
| Functioning | Gradually improves over time | Persistent impairment without treatment |
Note: Grief and depression can occur together. If you're unsure, a mental health professional can help you understand what you're experiencing.
Stage 6: Testing and Reconstruction
This stage is unique to the 7 stages model—and it's why this expanded framework offers more hope than the original 5 stages.
Testing and reconstruction is when you start experimenting with how to live in a world changed by loss. You're not "moving on" or "getting over it." You're figuring out how to move forward while carrying your grief with you.
During this stage, you might:
Try returning to activities you'd abandoned
Reconnect with friends and family you'd pulled away from
Explore new routines that accommodate your changed life
Begin to find moments of joy or laughter again (often followed by guilt)
Make practical changes like rearranging your home or changing your schedule
This is also when many people find that therapy becomes especially valuable. The acute crisis has passed, but now comes the hard work of rebuilding a meaningful life.
The testing phase involves a lot of trial and error. Something that helps one week might not help the next. That's okay. You're learning what works for you, and that process takes time.
"The testing and reconstruction stage is where I see so much beautiful work happen in therapy. This is when people start to discover who they are now—how they carry their loved one with them while also building a life that has meaning again. It's not about 'moving on.' It's about moving forward with."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT
Lead Therapist, South Denver Therapy
Stage 7: Acceptance and Hope
Acceptance is often misunderstood. It doesn't mean you're "okay" with the loss. It doesn't mean you stop missing the person. It doesn't mean the grief is over.
Acceptance means you've integrated the loss into your life. You've found a way to hold both your grief and your continued living. The pain is still there, but it no longer dominates every waking moment.
People in the acceptance stage often describe:
Being able to remember the person with more warmth than pain
Finding meaning in the loss or their loved one's life
Feeling hopeful about their own future
Maintaining a sense of connection to the person who died while also being present in their current life
Experiencing grief in waves rather than as a constant state
David Kessler, who co-authored books with Kübler-Ross, has proposed adding "meaning" as a sixth stage. Finding meaning doesn't mean the death made sense or was fair. It means you've found a way to honor your loss through how you live.
Some people find meaning by continuing their loved one's legacy. Others find it through advocacy, creativity, or simply choosing to live fully in their honor. At our grief counseling practice in Castle Rock, we help people discover what meaning looks like for them.
What Acceptance IS and ISN'T
- Acknowledging the reality of the loss
- Finding moments of peace alongside pain
- Carrying your loved one with you
- Building a meaningful life
- Remembering with warmth, not just pain
- Being "okay" with the death
- Forgetting your loved one
- Never feeling sad again
- "Moving on" like nothing happened
- A destination you reach and stay at
Why Grief Doesn't Follow a Straight Line
Here's what the stages model doesn't tell you: grief is not linear. The 7 stages of grief are not stairs you climb, one by one, until you reach the top and you're done.
Grief is more like ocean waves. Early on, the waves are huge and constant—you can barely catch your breath between them. Over time, the waves become smaller and less frequent. But even years later, something can trigger a wave that knocks you off your feet.
You might experience multiple stages simultaneously. You might be in acceptance on Monday and back in anger by Wednesday. You might feel fine for months and then be ambushed by grief on an anniversary or during a holiday.
All of this is normal. Researchers now emphasize that grief involves a "dual process model" of oscillating between confronting the loss and taking breaks from that confrontation. Both are necessary. Both are healthy.
The stages offer a vocabulary for what you're feeling. They're a map, not a GPS with turn-by-turn directions. Your path through grief will be your own.
Grief Isn't a Straight Line
It's more like waves—bigger at first, smaller over time, but never fully gone.
Even years later, waves can still come—but they're usually smaller and less frequent.
Types of Loss That Cause Grief
While we often associate grief with death, the 7 stages of grief can apply to many types of loss:
Death of a loved one – spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend
End of a relationship – divorce, breakup, estrangement
Loss of health – chronic illness diagnosis, disability, aging
Job loss – layoff, retirement, career change
Loss of dreams – infertility, missed opportunities, failed goals
Loss of identity – becoming an "empty nester," life transitions
Loss of safety – after trauma, violence, or betrayal
If you're experiencing grief from any type of loss, your feelings are valid. The stages apply whether you're mourning a person, a relationship, or a version of your life that no longer exists.
Types of Loss That Cause Grief
Death of a Loved One
Spouse, parent, child, friend, pet
End of Relationship
Divorce, breakup, estrangement
Career Changes
Job loss, retirement, career shift
Major Life Changes
Moving, empty nest, aging
Health Changes
Diagnosis, disability, chronic illness
Loss of Dreams
Infertility, failed goals, lost opportunities
How Long Does Grief Last?
"When will I feel normal again?" is one of the most common questions people ask about grief.
The honest answer: there's no timeline. Research shows that for most people, the most intense grief symptoms begin to ease within 6-12 months. But "easing" doesn't mean "ending."
A 2019 WebMD survey on grief found:
48% of respondents said their most intense grief emotions eased within 6 months
67% felt they had "recovered" within a year
The remaining third continued to experience significant grief beyond a year
For some losses—particularly the death of a child or spouse—research shows elevated grief symptoms can persist for years or even decades. This isn't abnormal. Some losses simply change us permanently.
What matters isn't hitting a particular timeline. What matters is whether your grief is allowing you to eventually function and find moments of peace, or whether it's keeping you completely stuck.
How Long Does Grief Last? What Research Shows
of people reported their most intense grief symptoms eased within 6 months
experienced significant easing of intense emotions within 1 year
is when anger typically peaks after a loss, according to the Yale Bereavement Study
of people develop prolonged grief disorder, where intense grief persists beyond 12 months
When to Seek Help for Grief
Normal grief, even when it's excruciating, gradually allows for healing. But sometimes grief becomes "complicated" or "prolonged"—a condition now recognized in the DSM-5 as Prolonged Grief Disorder.
About 7-10% of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief that significantly impairs their functioning beyond 12 months. Risk factors include:
Sudden or unexpected death
Violent or traumatic circumstances
Death of a child or spouse
History of depression or anxiety
Lack of social support
Seek professional help if you're experiencing:
Intense grief that shows no improvement after many months
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Inability to function at work, home, or in relationships
Complete inability to talk about or acknowledge the loss
Substance use to cope with grief
Feeling like you've lost your sense of self or purpose
EMDR therapy can be particularly effective for grief, especially when the loss involved trauma. Our Castle Rock grief counselors specialize in helping people find their way through even the most complicated losses.
⚠️ When to Seek Professional Help for Grief
Consider reaching out to a grief counselor if you're experiencing any of the following:
Supporting Someone Through the 7 Stages of Grief
If someone you love is grieving, knowing about the stages can help you understand what they're going through. Here's how to help at each stage:
During shock and denial:
Be present without pushing them to talk
Help with practical tasks (meals, arrangements, logistics)
Don't try to "fix" or rush their process
During anger and bargaining:
Let them express difficult emotions without judgment
Don't take anger personally
Avoid saying "everything happens for a reason"
During depression:
Continue showing up, even when they push you away
Sit with them in their pain rather than trying to cheer them up
Watch for warning signs of complicated grief
During testing and acceptance:
Support their efforts to rebuild, even if they seem small
Share memories of their loved one
Celebrate their progress without minimizing their ongoing grief
What grieving people need most is simply to not feel alone. They need to know that someone sees their pain and will stick with them through it.
Supporting Someone Through Grief: What Helps vs. What Hurts
✅ What Helps
- "I'm here for you"
- Saying their loved one's name
- Offering specific help ("I'll bring dinner Tuesday")
- Listening without trying to fix
- Checking in weeks and months later
- Acknowledging anniversaries
❌ What Hurts
- "They're in a better place"
- "I know how you feel"
- "At least they're not suffering"
- "You should be over this by now"
- "Everything happens for a reason"
- Avoiding them because it's uncomfortable
Finding Your Way Through Grief
The 7 stages of grief offer a roadmap—but you're the one walking the path. Your grief will look different from anyone else's because your loss is yours alone.
If you're in the early stages, know that it won't always feel this overwhelming. If you've been grieving for a long time and still have hard days, know that those waves don't mean you're failing.
Grief is the price we pay for love. The depth of your pain reflects the depth of what you had—and that's something worth honoring.
At South Denver Therapy, we provide grief counseling for individuals in Castle Rock, Parker, Highlands Ranch, and throughout the South Denver metro area. Whether your loss is recent or you've been carrying grief for years, we can help you find your way forward.
You don't have to walk this path alone.
Related Resources:
Frequently Asked Questions About the 7 Stages of Grief
What are the 7 stages of grief?
The 7 stages of grief are shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and reconstruction, and acceptance and hope. This model expands on the original 5 stages by adding shock at the beginning and testing/reconstruction near the end, creating a framework that better reflects the actual human experience of loss. These stages are not a checklist and most people move between them in a non-linear way.
How long does grief last?
There's no set timeline for grief. Research shows that for most people, the most intense grief symptoms begin to ease within 6 to 12 months. A WebMD survey found that 48% of respondents said their most intense emotions eased within 6 months, and 67% felt they had recovered within a year. However, for significant losses like the death of a child or spouse, elevated grief symptoms can persist for years. What matters isn't hitting a particular timeline but whether your grief allows you to eventually function and find moments of peace.
Do you have to go through all the stages of grief in order?
No. Grief is not linear. You won't move neatly from one stage to the next. You might experience several stages at once, skip some entirely, or circle back to earlier stages months or years later. Grief is more like ocean waves than stairs you climb. Early on, the waves are huge and constant. Over time, they become smaller and less frequent. But even years later, something can trigger a wave that knocks you off your feet. All of this is normal.
What is the difference between the 5 stages and 7 stages of grief?
The original 5 stages of grief, developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These were originally meant to describe what dying patients experience, not their family members afterward. The 7 stages model adds shock and disbelief at the beginning and testing and reconstruction before acceptance. This expanded model offers a more complete picture that accounts for the immediate numbness after loss and the process of rebuilding a meaningful life.
When should I seek professional help for grief?
About 7 to 10% of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief disorder. You should seek professional help if you experience intense grief showing no improvement after many months, thoughts of suicide or self-harm, complete inability to function at work or home, inability to talk about or acknowledge the loss, substance use to cope with grief, or feeling like you've lost your sense of self or purpose. EMDR therapy can be particularly effective for grief, especially when the loss involved trauma.
Is it normal to feel angry during grief?
Yes, anger is a natural and normal part of grief. According to the Yale Bereavement Study, anger typically peaks around five months after a loss. Anger can be directed at the person who died, medical professionals, God or the universe, other family members, yourself, or the world in general. Anger often masks deeper emotions like helplessness, fear, and pain. The problem isn't feeling angry but what you do with that anger. Healthy outlets include physical exercise, journaling, talking with a grief counselor, and creative expression.
What does acceptance mean in grief?
Acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with the loss or that you stop missing the person. It doesn't mean the grief is over. Acceptance means you've integrated the loss into your life and found a way to hold both your grief and your continued living. People in the acceptance stage often describe being able to remember the person with more warmth than pain, finding meaning in the loss, feeling hopeful about their own future, and experiencing grief in waves rather than as a constant state.
Can you grieve things other than death?
Yes. The 7 stages of grief can apply to many types of loss including the end of a relationship like divorce or breakup, loss of health from chronic illness or disability, job loss or retirement, loss of dreams like infertility or missed opportunities, loss of identity such as becoming an empty nester, and loss of safety after trauma or betrayal. If you're experiencing grief from any type of loss, your feelings are valid and the stages apply whether you're mourning a person, a relationship, or a version of your life that no longer exists.
Written by Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is the lead therapist at South Denver Therapy, specializing in grief counseling, trauma therapy, and couples counseling in Castle Rock, Colorado.
