Grief After Losing a Parent: What No One Tells You About This Unique Pain
The death of a parent changes something fundamental about your place in the world. Even if you're 50 years old with children of your own, losing a parent can make you feel like an orphan.
This grief is different from other losses. A parent shaped who you are—for better or worse. They knew a version of you that no one else will ever know. And when they die, part of your history dies with them.
If you're grieving the loss of a parent right now, you might be surprised by how hard this is. Society often treats adult children losing elderly parents as a "normal" part of life—something you should recover from quickly. But research tells a different story. The death of a parent, at any age, can have profound and lasting effects on your mental health and wellbeing.
You're not overreacting. This grief is real. And you deserve support.
Why Losing a Parent Hurts So Much
Losing a parent is fundamentally different from other losses. Here's why this grief runs so deep:
Your first relationship. Your parent was likely your first significant attachment. From the moment you were born, your brain wired itself around this relationship. When that connection is severed, it touches something primal.
Your sense of identity. Much of who you are was shaped by your parents—your values, your habits, your quirks, even the things you rejected about them became part of your identity. Their death can trigger a profound identity crisis.
Your family structure. Parents are often the glue holding extended families together. Their death can shift family dynamics in unexpected ways, sometimes creating conflict right when you need support most.
Your own mortality. When your parent dies, you move up a generation. You're now the "older generation." This confrontation with your own mortality can intensify the grief.
Your safety net. Even as adults, many of us unconsciously feel that our parents are a last resort—someone who would take us in, help us out, love us unconditionally. That feeling of having a backup disappears.
Why Losing a Parent Hurts So Deeply
🪞 Identity Connection
They shaped who you are. Part of your identity formed through them.
⏳ Mortality Awareness
You're now the "older generation." Your own mortality becomes more real.
👨👩👧 Family Structure Shift
The family dynamic changes permanently. Old roles no longer exist.
📞 Lost Lifeline
No more advice, reassurance, or unconditional love from that source.
The Statistics on Parental Loss
The death of a parent is common—and its impact is significant:
Research shows that losing a parent in childhood increases the risk of depression by 2-3 times compared to those who don't experience early loss
Adult children who lose a parent show elevated symptoms of depression and decreased life satisfaction even years later
A study from the University of Pittsburgh found that children who lose a parent are more than twice as likely to show functional impairments at school and home, even 7 years after the loss
Among adults who lost a parent during childhood, 80% said it was the hardest thing they ever faced, and 79% said they missed their parent's guidance when raising their own children
According to the New York Life Foundation, 57% of those who lost a parent during childhood reported that support from family and friends waned within 3 months—though it took an average of six years to feel they had moved forward
These numbers underscore an important truth: this grief deserves to be taken seriously.
of children will lose a parent or sibling by age 18
of adults who lost a parent in childhood called it the hardest thing they faced
miss their parent's guidance when they become parents themselves
average time adults say it took to "move forward" after losing a parent
What Grief After Parental Loss Actually Looks Like
You might expect sadness. But grief after losing a parent often shows up in unexpected ways:
Physical symptoms. Exhaustion. Trouble sleeping. Loss of appetite—or eating too much. Headaches. Stomach problems. Your body is processing the loss too.
Cognitive changes. Difficulty concentrating. Forgetfulness. Feeling scattered. Your brain is using enormous energy to process the loss, leaving less for everyday tasks.
Emotional waves. Sadness, yes. But also anger (at them for dying, at yourself, at the universe). Guilt. Relief (especially after a long illness). Anxiety. Loneliness. Numbness. Often, several emotions at once.
Unexpected triggers. You might be fine one moment, then hear their favorite song or catch a smell that reminds you of them, and suddenly you're undone.
Relationship changes. You might pull away from people or cling to them. Your relationship with your spouse or partner may be strained as you navigate grief differently.
The first year is often a series of "firsts" without them: first birthday, first holiday, first anniversary of their death. Each can reopen the wound. Understanding the 7 stages of grief can help you make sense of these fluctuations.
"Losing a parent is one of the most disorienting experiences we face. It's not just losing a person—it's losing your original safety net, the person who knew you longest, and often your biggest cheerleader. The grief comes in waves that surprise you for years."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT Lead Therapist, South Denver Therapy
Losing Your Mother vs. Losing Your Father
Research shows that the death of each parent affects us differently—and that your gender matters too.
Losing a mother:
A large-scale longitudinal study found that losing a mother has more pronounced effects on daughters than sons. Women who lose their mothers experience:
Greater declines in mental health (the most significant drop—around 10 points—occurs 1-2 months after a mother's death for daughters)
Higher levels of psychological distress
More physical health symptoms
This may be because mother-daughter relationships are often particularly close and involve unique emotional support that's hard to replicate.
Losing a father:
Research from the National Survey of Families and Households shows that fathers' deaths affect sons more than daughters in some measures, particularly regarding:
Physical health reports
Sense of identity and life direction
Financial confidence (in some cases)
Of course, these are patterns from research—your individual experience may be completely different depending on your unique relationship with each parent.
Losing a Mother vs. Losing a Father: Research Findings
| Aspect | Losing a Mother | Losing a Father |
|---|---|---|
| Mental Health Impact | Generally affects daughters more; steepest decline in first 2 months | Generally affects sons more; greater impact on self-reported physical health |
| Common Grief Theme | Loss of nurturing, emotional support, unconditional love source | Loss of guidance, protection, approval-seeking relationship |
| Recovery Pattern | Often longer initial adjustment period | May have delayed grief if relationship was distant |
| Life Stage Impact | Especially hard for new mothers who lose their own mother | Often triggers questions about own legacy and fatherhood |
Note: These are general research patterns. Your experience may be different, and all grief is valid.
When You Lose Your First Parent
Losing your first parent is a particular kind of devastation. It shatters the illusion that parents live forever. It's often the first time you've experienced this level of loss.
Interestingly, research suggests that losing your first parent may actually have a greater impact on mental health than losing your second. This seems counterintuitive—wouldn't becoming a full orphan be harder?
But several factors explain this:
The first parental death removes the protective buffer of never having lost a parent
You may still have the surviving parent for support after the first loss
By the time the second parent dies, you have some experience navigating parental grief
If parents die in quick succession, grief can compound
If your first parent dies and your second parent is still living, you also face the challenge of supporting your surviving parent through their grief while managing your own. This caretaking role can delay your own grief processing.
First Parent Loss vs. Second Parent Loss
First Parent Loss
- Often the first major loss experience
- Greater acute mental health impact (research shows)
- Surviving parent provides some buffer
- Family structure partially intact
- May become caretaker for surviving parent
Second Parent Loss
- "Now I'm truly an orphan" feeling
- May trigger grief for first parent too
- No parent buffer remaining
- Childhood home often sold/dissolved
- Full weight of being "the older generation"
Grieving a Complicated Relationship
Not everyone had a good relationship with their parent. Maybe yours was:
Absent – physically or emotionally unavailable
Abusive – verbally, physically, or emotionally harmful
Neglectful – failing to meet your basic needs
Conditional – love that came with strings attached
Narcissistic – making everything about them
Complicated – a mix of good and bad, love and hurt
When a parent like this dies, your grief becomes complicated too. You might feel:
Relief – and then guilt about feeling relieved
Anger – at what they did, or what they never became
Grief for the relationship you wish you'd had – mourning the fantasy of a better parent
Conflicting memories – times they were loving mixed with times they hurt you
Confusion – not knowing how to feel or whether you're "allowed" to grieve
If you experienced emotional neglect or abuse from your parent, their death doesn't erase that history. You're allowed to hold complicated feelings. You can grieve someone and still be angry at them. You can feel relief and still feel sad.
Therapy, especially with a counselor experienced in trauma and family dynamics, can help you sort through these complicated feelings.
How Long Grief Lasts After Losing a Parent
There's no "normal" timeline for grieving a parent. But research gives us some general patterns:
The acute phase typically lasts a few weeks to a few months. This is when symptoms are most intense—difficulty functioning, overwhelming sadness, shock and disbelief.
Active grieving for most people involves 6-12 months of processing before the sharpest edges begin to soften. The 2019 WebMD survey found that 48% of people said their most intense emotions eased within 6 months.
Continued grief is normal for years—or forever. You don't "get over" losing a parent. You integrate the loss into your life. Milestones, anniversaries, and random triggers can bring waves of grief indefinitely.
A 2024 study published in SSM – Mental Health found that the first two months after a parent's death show the steepest mental health decline, but recovery begins within months for most people. However, those who lost their first parent showed worse mental health a year later compared to those who lost their second parent.
If your grief feels "stuck"—if it's been over a year and you can't function, can't find any moments of peace, or are getting worse rather than better—you may be experiencing prolonged grief disorder. This is treatable, and help is available.
General Timeline After Losing a Parent
Acute Phase
Shock, numbness, handling logistics, funeral. Steepest mental health decline typically occurs here.
Reality Sets In
Support fades, grief feels more isolating. "First" milestones without them (birthday, holiday). Anger often peaks around month 5.
Gradual Adjustment
Most intense symptoms begin to ease. You learn to carry grief while re-engaging with life. First anniversary can be very hard.
Integration
Grief becomes part of your story. Waves still come but less frequently. Many report 6 years average to feel they've "moved forward."
This is a general framework. Your timeline is your own—there's no "right" schedule for grief.
The Ripple Effects of Parental Loss
Losing a parent affects more than just your emotions. The death can ripple through your entire life:
Your marriage or partnership
Grief can strain even strong relationships. You might:
Pull away when your partner tries to comfort you
Feel resentful if they don't understand your grief
Have less energy for your relationship
Experience changes in intimacy
Partners often grieve differently, which can create conflict if not understood.
Your parenting
If you have children, you're grieving while still needing to parent. This is exhausting. You may also:
Feel grief when your children hit milestones your parent won't see
Notice your parent's traits in your children
Feel more pressure to create the memories your children won't have with their grandparent
Research shows that 79% of adults who lost a parent when they were growing up said they missed having that parent's guidance when they became parents themselves.
Your siblings
Siblings often grieve differently. One may want to talk constantly; another wants silence. One might throw themselves into handling the estate; another might avoid anything related to the death. These differences can create family conflict right when you need each other most.
Your work and finances
Grief affects concentration, memory, and motivation—all of which impact work. You may also be dealing with estate issues, medical bills, or the loss of financial support.
The Ripple Effects of Losing a Parent
💑 Your Marriage/Partnership
Grief can strain relationships. Partners may grieve differently or struggle to support each other.
👶 Your Parenting
May trigger reflection on your own parenting. Kids may need help understanding grandparent's death.
👨👩👧👦 Sibling Relationships
Old dynamics resurface. Conflict over inheritance, caregiving, or "who grieved right" is common.
💼 Your Work
Concentration suffers. May need time off. Some find work a helpful distraction; others can't function.
Coping Strategies That Actually Help
While there's no way to shortcut grief, certain approaches help more than others:
Allow yourself to grieve. Stuffing down emotions or "staying strong" doesn't make grief go away—it just delays it. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling.
Talk about your parent. Share stories. Look at photos. Say their name. Many grieving people report that the worst feeling is when others act like their parent never existed.
Create meaningful rituals. Light a candle. Visit a meaningful place. Cook their favorite meal on their birthday. Continue traditions they started.
Take care of your physical health. Grief is exhausting. Sleep, eat nutritiously, move your body, and limit alcohol. These basics support your emotional healing.
Accept help. Let people bring meals, help with tasks, or just sit with you. You don't have to do this alone.
Be patient with yourself. You might think you're "doing better" and then have a terrible day. That's normal. Grief isn't linear.
Journal your feelings. Writing can help process emotions. Try our journaling techniques guide for ideas.
Consider professional support. Grief counseling provides a safe space to process your loss with someone who understands the territory.
"One of the most painful parts of losing a parent is all the future moments they'll miss. The wedding they won't attend, the grandchildren they won't meet, the advice you can't ask for. Part of grief work is learning to carry their presence with you into those moments anyway."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT Lead Therapist, South Denver Therapy
Special Circumstances in Parental Loss
Certain circumstances can complicate grief:
When death follows anticipatory grief:
If your parent had a terminal illness, you may have started grieving before they died. Some people expect this to make the actual death easier—but research shows anticipatory grief doesn't replace grief after death. You may actually feel MORE exhausted because you've been grieving longer.
When death is sudden:
Sudden loss can be traumatic. You had no chance to prepare, say goodbye, or resolve unfinished business. EMDR therapy can be particularly helpful for processing the trauma of sudden loss.
When you were the caregiver:
Adult children who cared for their dying parent often experience complicated grief. You may feel relief that the caregiving is over—and then guilt about feeling relieved. You may have put your own life on hold and now feel lost without the caregiver role.
When family conflict emerges:
Disagreements about the funeral, the estate, or "who loved them more" can fracture families after a parent's death. Try to remember that everyone grieves differently, and hurt people sometimes hurt people.
When you're far away:
If you couldn't be there when your parent died—because of distance, COVID, or other circumstances—you may struggle with guilt and feeling "cheated" out of a proper goodbye.
Special Circumstances in Parental Loss
Expected Death (After Illness)
You may have started grieving before death (anticipatory grief). Relief and guilt often coexist.
Sudden/Unexpected Death
Shock is more intense. No chance to say goodbye. Higher risk of complicated grief and trauma response.
After Caregiving
You may feel lost without the caregiver role. Identity crisis is common. Allow yourself to rest.
Estranged or Distant Relationship
Grief may feel "unearned." You're grieving what could have been as much as what was. Still valid.
When Grief Needs Professional Support
It's okay to need help. In fact, seeking grief counseling is one of the healthiest things you can do. Consider professional support if you're experiencing:
Persistent functional impairment – Unable to work, parent, or maintain basic self-care
Intense symptoms beyond 12 months – Grief that isn't softening at all
Suicidal thoughts – Any thoughts of ending your life
Inability to talk about your parent – Complete avoidance
Using substances to cope – Increased alcohol or drug use
Physical health problems – Grief affecting your body
Relationship deterioration – Marriage problems or isolation from everyone
Traumatic circumstances – Violent or traumatic death, betrayal trauma, or complicated family dynamics
EMDR therapy has shown particular effectiveness for grief, especially when the loss involved trauma or when grief feels "stuck." At South Denver Therapy, we offer specialized grief counseling in Castle Rock, Parker, and Highlands Ranch.
⚠️ When to Seek Professional Support
Consider grief counseling if you're experiencing:
Honoring Your Parent's Memory
As you move through grief, you might find ways to honor your parent that bring comfort:
Share their stories with your children or others who didn't know them
Continue their traditions – recipes, holiday customs, values
Create something in their memory – a photo book, a donation, a garden
Live out their best qualities – their generosity, humor, work ethic
Write them letters about what's happening in your life
Say their name – don't let them become someone nobody talks about
Your parent's death doesn't end your relationship with them. It transforms it. You carry them with you, and that connection continues to evolve as you grow.
🌱 Ways to Honor Your Parent's Memory
Continue Their Traditions
Make their recipes, celebrate holidays their way, carry on family customs.
Create a Memory Project
Photo album, memory box, video compilation, written stories about them.
Give in Their Name
Donate to causes they cared about, volunteer, establish a scholarship.
Talk About Them
Share stories with family, tell your kids about them, say their name.
Moving Forward Without Moving On
There's a saying in grief circles: "You don't move on from grief. You move forward with it."
You will not "get over" losing your parent. But you will, with time and support, learn to carry this loss in a way that allows you to also carry joy, love, and meaning.
Your grief is a testament to your love. As painful as it is, that pain shows how much your parent mattered to you. That's not a burden—that's a gift.
If you're struggling with grief after losing a parent, our Castle Rock grief counselors are here to help. We provide a safe, supportive space to process your loss and find your path forward.
You don't have to walk this road alone.
Related Resources:
Frequently Asked Questions About Losing a Parent
Why does losing a parent hurt so much?
Losing a parent hurts so deeply because they were likely your first significant attachment and your brain wired itself around this relationship. Much of your identity was shaped by your parents, including your values, habits, and even the things you rejected about them. Parents are often the glue holding extended families together, and their death shifts family dynamics. Their death also confronts you with your own mortality as you move up a generation. Even as adults, many of us unconsciously feel that our parents are a last resort, and that feeling of having a backup disappears when they die.
How long does grief last after losing a parent?
There's no normal timeline for grieving a parent. The acute phase typically lasts a few weeks to a few months when symptoms are most intense. Active grieving for most people involves 6 to 12 months before the sharpest edges soften. A WebMD survey found that 48% of people said their most intense emotions eased within 6 months. However, continued grief is normal for years or forever. You don't get over losing a parent, you integrate the loss into your life. According to the New York Life Foundation, it takes an average of six years for adults to feel they've moved forward after losing a parent.
Is losing a mother different from losing a father?
Research shows that the death of each parent affects us differently. Losing a mother has more pronounced effects on daughters than sons, with women experiencing greater declines in mental health, higher psychological distress, and more physical health symptoms. The most significant drop occurs 1 to 2 months after a mother's death for daughters. Losing a father affects sons more than daughters in some measures, particularly regarding physical health reports, sense of identity, and financial confidence. However, your individual experience may be completely different depending on your unique relationship with each parent.
Is it normal to grieve a parent I had a complicated relationship with?
Absolutely. When you had a difficult relationship with your parent, whether it was absent, abusive, neglectful, or conditional, your grief becomes complicated too. You might feel relief and then guilt about feeling relieved, anger at what they did or never became, grief for the relationship you wish you'd had, and conflicting memories of good times mixed with hurt. You're allowed to hold complicated feelings. You can grieve someone and still be angry at them. You can feel relief and still feel sad. Therapy with a counselor experienced in trauma and family dynamics can help you sort through these feelings.
Is losing your first parent harder than losing your second?
Research suggests that losing your first parent may actually have a greater impact on mental health than losing your second. The first parental death removes the protective buffer of never having lost a parent. You may still have the surviving parent for support after the first loss. By the time the second parent dies, you have some experience navigating parental grief. However, losing your second parent brings its own challenges, including feeling like a true orphan, no longer having any parent buffer, and often dealing with the dissolution of the childhood home.
How does losing a parent affect my marriage and other relationships?
Grief can strain even strong relationships. You might pull away when your partner tries to comfort you, feel resentful if they don't understand your grief, have less energy for your relationship, or experience changes in intimacy. Partners often grieve differently which can create conflict. If you have children, you're grieving while still needing to parent, which is exhausting. Siblings often grieve differently too, and these differences can create family conflict right when you need each other most. Research shows that 79% of adults who lost a parent missed having that parent's guidance when they became parents themselves.
When should I seek professional help for grief after losing a parent?
Consider professional support if you experience persistent inability to function at work, home, or with basic self-care, intense symptoms beyond 12 months that aren't softening at all, suicidal thoughts, complete avoidance of talking about your parent, using substances to cope, physical health problems related to grief, relationship deterioration, or if the death involved traumatic circumstances. About 7 to 10% of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief disorder. EMDR therapy has shown particular effectiveness for grief, especially when the loss involved trauma or when grief feels stuck.
What are healthy ways to cope with losing a parent?
Allow yourself to grieve rather than stuffing down emotions. Talk about your parent by sharing stories, looking at photos, and saying their name. Create meaningful rituals like lighting a candle or cooking their favorite meal on their birthday. Take care of your physical health through sleep, nutrition, movement, and limiting alcohol. Accept help from others and let people bring meals or just sit with you. Be patient with yourself since grief isn't linear. Consider journaling to process emotions. And consider professional grief counseling to process your loss with someone who understands the territory.
Written by Kayla Crane, LMFT
Kayla is the lead therapist at South Denver Therapy, specializing in grief counseling, trauma therapy, and couples counseling in Castle Rock, Colorado.
