Trial Separation - How Couples Therapy Can Help You Reconnect
When your marriage feels like it's falling apart, the idea of a trial separation can seem like a last resort—or maybe a lifeline.
You might be wondering: Will time apart help us heal? Or will it just push us further away from each other?
The truth is, a trial separation can go either way. Research shows that about 80% of separations eventually end in divorce. But that statistic doesn't tell the whole story.
The couples who use their separation intentionally—with clear boundaries, honest communication, and professional support—have a much better chance of finding their way back to each other. Studies show that 70% of couples who pursue therapy during separation report improved chances of reconciliation.
If you're considering a trial separation, or you're already in one, this guide will help you understand what makes separations succeed or fail—and how couples therapy can help you reconnect.
Trial Separation: What the Research Shows
What Is a Trial Separation?
A trial separation is an informal agreement between two spouses to live apart for a set period of time. Unlike a legal separation, there are no lawyers, no court filings, and no formal division of assets.
The purpose is to give both partners space to think clearly about the relationship, work on personal issues, and decide whether the marriage can be saved.
Think of it as pressing pause—not stop—on your relationship.
Trial Separation: What It Is vs. What It Isn't
✓ What It IS
- A structured time to gain clarity
- An opportunity to work on issues
- A chance to miss and appreciate each other
- Time for individual growth
- A commitment to evaluation
✗ What It ISN'T
- An excuse to date other people
- A way to avoid difficult conversations
- The same as getting divorced
- Time to "check out" of the relationship
- An indefinite break with no end date
During a trial separation, you're still married. You're still committed to figuring things out. The goal isn't to start moving on—it's to gain clarity about whether you can move forward together.
This is different from simply "taking a break" with no plan. A successful trial separation has structure, goals, and boundaries that both partners agree to follow.
Why Couples Choose Trial Separation
Couples consider separation for many reasons. Sometimes the constant fighting has become exhausting. Sometimes the emotional distance has grown so wide that you feel like roommates instead of partners. Sometimes there's been a breach of trust—like infidelity—and you need space to process the pain.
Common reasons include:
Constant conflict that never gets resolved
Feeling disconnected or emotionally distant
Questioning whether you're still in love
Needing space after a major betrayal or breach of trust
Growing apart due to life changes, stress, or different priorities
Feeling like you've lost yourself in the relationship
Whatever the reason, the underlying question is usually the same: Can this marriage be saved? Or is it time to let go?
A trial separation can help you find the answer—if you approach it the right way.
Common Reasons Couples Consider Separation
Constant conflict & fighting
Emotional distance
Questioning the relationship
Betrayal or broken trust
Growing apart over time
Losing sense of self
The Statistics: Do Trial Separations Work?
Let's be honest about the numbers. Research paints a sobering picture:
According to Ohio State University research, approximately 79% of couples who separate eventually divorce. Other studies put the number even higher—up to 87%.
But here's what those statistics don't show: the difference between couples who separate with intention and those who simply drift apart.
When couples pursue therapy during separation, the picture changes dramatically. Studies show that 70% of couples agree that ongoing therapy during separation improves their chances of reconciliation.
The Therapy Difference
Reconciliation rate
without therapy
Report improved chances
with ongoing therapy
Sources: Ohio State University, ZipDo Trial Separation Statistics
The Gottman Institute found that trial separations can work when both partners:
Agree on clear boundaries and expectations
Communicate regularly and honestly
Use the time apart to reflect and address relationship issues
Commit to couples therapy throughout the process
Without structure or intent, trial separations often fail. With the right approach, they can be a turning point that saves a marriage.
Essential Rules for a Successful Trial Separation
A trial separation without rules is just... a separation. If you want yours to have a real chance of leading to reconciliation, you need to establish clear agreements from the start.
5 Essential Rules for Trial Separation
1. Set a Clear Timeline
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is leaving the separation open-ended. Without a timeline, the separation can drag on indefinitely, leaving both partners in limbo.
Most experts recommend a trial separation of three to six months. According to research, the average length of separation before reconciliation is six to eight months. Beyond two years, the chances of reconciliation drop significantly.
Set a specific date to come back together and evaluate the relationship. This gives both of you something to work toward.
2. Establish Communication Guidelines
How often will you talk? What will you talk about? What topics are off-limits during this time?
Some couples prefer regular check-ins—maybe weekly phone calls or dinner together once a month. Others need more distance at first and gradually increase contact as they heal.
Whatever you decide, make sure you're both on the same page. Mixed expectations about communication are one of the fastest ways for a separation to go wrong.
"A trial separation can be a powerful turning point—but only if both partners approach it with intention. The couples who reconnect are the ones who use the time apart to really understand what went wrong and to make genuine changes. Without that commitment to growth, separation often just becomes the first step toward divorce."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT | Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
3. Agree on Dating and Intimacy
This is often the most difficult conversation, but it's one you absolutely must have.
Most marriage counselors strongly advise against dating other people during a trial separation. If the goal is to work on your marriage, pursuing other relationships sends a confusing message and can permanently damage trust.
As for intimacy with each other—some couples find that occasional connection helps maintain their bond. Others need complete physical distance to gain clarity. There's no right answer, but there needs to be an agreement.
4. Sort Out Finances
Money issues can quickly turn a trial separation into an ugly divorce. Before you separate, decide how you'll handle:
Who pays which bills
How you'll manage joint accounts
What happens with new expenses (like rent for a second home)
Whether there are any spending limits
Being honest about finances during separation maintains trust and prevents conflicts that can derail reconciliation.
5. Create a Parenting Plan (If You Have Kids)
If you have children, their wellbeing must be the top priority. Research shows that 40% of separated couples report that children are emotionally impacted during trial separations.
Decide on a custody schedule that provides stability and consistency. Agree on how you'll communicate with the kids about what's happening. And commit to never putting them in the middle of your issues.
👨👩👧👦 Protecting Your Children During Separation
The Role of Couples Therapy During Separation
Here's the reality: if you could have solved your marriage problems on your own, you probably wouldn't be considering separation.
Space and time apart can be helpful, but they're rarely enough to fix deep-seated relationship issues. That's where couples therapy becomes essential.
Why Couples Therapy Is Essential During Separation
Space alone doesn't fix relationship problems
Safe space for difficult conversations
Identify underlying patterns
Learn practical tools for change
Get an objective perspective
What Couples Therapy Offers During Separation
A Safe Space for Difficult Conversations When emotions are running high, productive conversations are nearly impossible. A skilled therapist can help you communicate without the conversation devolving into blame and defensiveness.
Clarity About Underlying Issues Sometimes the problems you think you have aren't the real problems. A therapist can help you identify the patterns that have been sabotaging your relationship—patterns you might not even be aware of.
Tools for Change Understanding your problems is only the first step. Therapy gives you practical tools to change how you relate to each other. You'll learn healthier ways to resolve conflict, communicate your needs, and rebuild trust.
An Objective Perspective When you're in the middle of relationship turmoil, it's hard to see clearly. A therapist provides an outside perspective that can help you both understand what went wrong and what it would take to make things right.
What Couples Therapy Provides During Separation
🎯 Clarity on the Real Issues
Sometimes what you're fighting about isn't the real problem. Therapy helps uncover the deeper patterns.
💬 Better Communication Skills
Learn to express your needs without blame and listen without defensiveness.
⚖️ Neutral Ground
A therapist's office is a safe, neutral space where both partners can be heard.
🔄 Breaking Destructive Cycles
Identify and interrupt the patterns that have been damaging your relationship.
Signs Your Trial Separation Is Working
How do you know if your separation is moving you toward reconciliation or divorce? Here are the positive signs to look for:
✓ Signs Your Separation Is Working
Distance is making the heart grow fonder
Conversations are calmer and more productive
Attending therapy, reflecting, making changes
Even disagreements are handled respectfully
Both acknowledge their role in the problems
Real optimism that things can get better
You miss each other. Missing your partner's company is one of the clearest signs that the relationship still has life. Distance can help you remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Communication has improved. You're able to talk without constant fighting. Conversations feel calmer, more respectful, more honest.
You're both doing the work. You're attending therapy, working on your individual issues, and genuinely trying to understand your partner's perspective.
There's mutual respect. Even when you disagree, you treat each other with respect. This foundation is essential for rebuilding.
You're taking responsibility. Instead of blaming each other, you're both acknowledging your contributions to the problems in the marriage.
You feel hope. Not blind optimism, but genuine hope that things could get better. When both partners feel this, reconciliation becomes much more likely.
Warning Signs Your Separation May Not Lead to Reconciliation
It's also important to recognize when a separation is heading toward divorce rather than reconnection:
⚠️ Warning Signs to Watch For
One or both partners is dating other people
You feel relief rather than sadness about being apart
Communication has completely stopped
There's no effort to address the underlying issues
One partner is unwilling to try therapy
You're making major life decisions (new job, new city) as if the marriage is already over
The agreed-upon timeline keeps getting extended with no real progress
If you're seeing these signs, it doesn't necessarily mean divorce is inevitable. But it does mean you need to have an honest conversation—ideally with a therapist present—about what you both really want.
Common Mistakes That Sabotage Trial Separations
Many couples enter a trial separation with good intentions but make mistakes that doom their chances of reconciliation.
Common Mistakes That Sabotage Trial Separations
🚪 Using it as an escape
Seeing separation as a way out rather than an opportunity to heal
🎯 Not setting clear goals
"We need space" isn't a plan—define what you're working toward
🛋️ Skipping therapy
Space alone won't fix deep-seated relationship issues
💑 Dating other people
Almost always makes reconciliation impossible
🗣️ Badmouthing your spouse
Creates damage that's hard to repair, especially with kids
☝️ Making unilateral decisions
Acting alone destroys the trust needed for reconciliation
Using it as an escape. If you see the separation as a way to get away from your partner rather than an opportunity to work on the relationship, you're setting yourself up for divorce.
Not setting clear goals. "We just need some space" isn't a goal. What specifically are you hoping to accomplish? What would need to change for you to feel good about the marriage?
Skipping therapy. Space alone doesn't fix relationship problems. Without professional help, you're likely to fall right back into the same destructive patterns.
Dating other people. This sends a clear message that you're not committed to the marriage. It almost always makes reconciliation impossible.
Badmouthing your spouse. Especially to your kids, but also to friends and family. This creates additional damage that's hard to repair.
Making unilateral decisions. A trial separation requires cooperation. Acting on your own—whether that's making a major purchase, moving far away, or changing the agreed-upon rules—destroys trust.
"The biggest mistake I see couples make during a trial separation is treating it like a vacation from the relationship instead of an intensive care period. The couples who reconcile are the ones who work harder during the separation, not less. They attend therapy, they communicate honestly, and they use the distance to gain perspective—not to check out."
— Kayla Crane, LMFT | Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
How Long Should a Trial Separation Last?
The ideal length depends on your situation, but most experts agree on some general guidelines:
Minimum: Three months. You need enough time for the initial emotions to settle and for real reflection to happen. Shorter than three months, and you're likely still in crisis mode.
Sweet spot: Three to six months. This gives you enough time to see whether real change is possible without letting the separation drag on indefinitely.
Maximum: One year. Research shows that if reconciliation is going to happen, it usually happens within the first two years. Beyond that, couples tend to have already made their decision—they just haven't formalized it yet.
⏱️ Recommended Trial Separation Timeline
Minimum
3 months to allow emotions to settle
Sweet Spot
Enough time for real change
Maximum
Beyond this, decisions are usually made
The key is to set a specific evaluation date from the beginning. When that date arrives, you come together—ideally with your therapist—to assess where you are and decide on next steps.
What Happens at the End of a Trial Separation?
When your agreed-upon timeline ends, you'll face one of three outcomes:
Reconciliation. You've done the work, made real changes, and feel ready to commit to the marriage again. This is the goal—but it only works if both partners are genuinely committed to a different kind of relationship going forward.
Extended separation. Sometimes couples need more time. If you're making real progress but aren't quite ready to move back in together, you might agree to extend the separation with new goals and a new timeline.
Divorce. Sometimes a trial separation confirms what one or both partners already suspected: the marriage can't be saved. While painful, this clarity is valuable. It allows both people to move forward with their lives rather than staying stuck in an unhappy marriage.
Whatever the outcome, the trial separation has served its purpose—giving you the space and perspective to make an informed decision about your future.
Three Possible Outcomes
Reconciliation
You've done the work, made real changes, and are ready to commit to a healthier relationship.
Extended Separation
Making progress but need more time. Set new goals and a new timeline.
Divorce
Clarity that the marriage can't be saved. Painful but valuable for moving forward.
Getting Started: Your Trial Separation Checklist
If you've decided to try a trial separation, here's a checklist to set yourself up for the best possible outcome:
Your Trial Separation Checklist
Start before you separate so you have support throughout
Agree on 3-6 months and a specific evaluation date
Communication, dating, finances, and parenting agreements
Work on your own patterns and issues alongside couples work
Get clarity on where your relationship stands
Find a couples therapist. Don't wait until you're already separated. Start couples therapy now so you have support throughout the process. If you're unsure about whether to separate, discernment counseling can help you decide.
Set your timeline. Agree on a specific duration (three to six months is typical) and a date to evaluate your progress.
Establish your boundaries. Put your agreements in writing—communication expectations, dating rules, financial arrangements, and parenting plans.
Consider individual therapy. In addition to couples work, individual therapy can help you work on your own patterns and issues.
Tell your support system. Let trusted friends and family know what's happening—but be careful not to create "teams" that make reconciliation harder.
Take our relationship quiz. Get clarity on where your relationship stands and what areas need the most work.
We're Here to Help
At South Denver Therapy, we've helped many couples navigate trial separations—some who reconnected stronger than ever, and some who found the clarity they needed to move forward separately.
Whatever your situation, you don't have to figure this out alone.
Our couples therapists specialize in helping partners understand what went wrong, develop better communication patterns, and make clear-eyed decisions about their future together.
We offer couples counseling at our Castle Rock offices and through online therapy throughout Colorado. We also offer couples counseling intensives for couples who want to make rapid progress.
Not sure if couples therapy is right for you? Check out our article on whether couples counseling is worth it or browse our free resources including worksheets for couples communication and conflict resolution.
If you're ready to take the next step, contact us today to schedule your first appointment.
Considering a Trial Separation?
You don't have to navigate this alone. Our couples therapists can help you make the most of your separation—whether that leads to reconciliation or clarity about your future.
Schedule a Consultation →Frequently Asked Questions About Trial Separations
What is the success rate of trial separations?
About 79% of trial separations end in divorce when couples don't take intentional steps to work on their relationship. However, couples who pursue therapy during separation report dramatically better outcomes—70% say ongoing therapy improved their chances of reconciliation. The key difference is structure, clear boundaries, and professional support.
How long should a trial separation last?
Most experts recommend three to six months. That's enough time for emotions to settle and for real reflection to happen, but not so long that you drift into separate lives. Research shows the average separation before reconciliation is six to eight months. Beyond one to two years, reconciliation becomes increasingly unlikely.
Should we date other people during a trial separation?
No. Most marriage counselors strongly advise against dating others during a trial separation. If the goal is to work on your marriage, pursuing other relationships sends a confusing message and almost always permanently damages trust. This is one of the most common mistakes that sabotages reconciliation.
What rules should we set for a trial separation?
Essential rules include: a specific timeline (3-6 months with an evaluation date), communication guidelines (how often you'll talk and about what), agreement on dating and intimacy, financial arrangements (who pays which bills), and a parenting plan if you have children. Put everything in writing so both partners are on the same page.
Can a trial separation save my marriage?
Yes, but only if both partners approach it with intention. Couples who use separation to gain perspective, attend therapy, communicate honestly, and make genuine changes have a much better chance of reconnecting. Without structure or commitment to the process, separation often just becomes the first step toward divorce.
What's the difference between a trial separation and a legal separation?
A trial separation is an informal agreement to live apart—no lawyers, court filings, or division of assets. You're still fully married and committed to figuring things out. A legal separation involves formal court proceedings that address custody, support, and property division. Trial separations are about gaining clarity; legal separations are legal arrangements.
How do I know if my trial separation is working?
Positive signs include: you miss each other, communication has improved, you're both attending therapy and doing the work, there's mutual respect even during disagreements, you're taking responsibility for your contributions to problems, and you feel genuine hope. If you're experiencing these, reconciliation becomes much more likely.
What are warning signs that a separation is leading to divorce?
Red flags include: one or both partners dating others, feeling relief rather than sadness about being apart, communication stopping completely, no effort to address underlying issues, one partner refusing therapy, making major life decisions as if already divorced, and repeatedly extending the timeline without real progress.
Do I need couples therapy during a trial separation?
Yes, therapy is essential. Space alone doesn't fix relationship problems. Without professional help, you're likely to fall back into the same destructive patterns. A therapist provides a safe space for difficult conversations, helps identify underlying issues, teaches practical tools for change, and offers an objective perspective you can't get on your own.
How do we tell our kids about a trial separation?
Be honest but age-appropriate. Reassure them it's not their fault and that both parents love them. Keep their routine as consistent as possible, allow daily communication with both parents, and never speak negatively about your spouse to them. About 40% of separated couples report children being emotionally impacted, so consider family therapy if they're struggling.
Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
Identify the most common issues couples face and how to address them.
How to Save Your Marriage
Practical steps couples can take when their relationship is struggling.
Growing Apart in Marriage
Signs you're drifting apart and how to reconnect.
Co-Parenting After Divorce
Strategies for healthy co-parenting if separation leads to divorce.
