Balancing Parenting and Romance: 25 Expert Tips to Keep Your Marriage Strong
You used to be lovers. Now you're co-managers of a small, demanding human (or several). The passion that once sparked between you now competes with diaper changes, school drop-offs, and arguments about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.
Sound familiar?
Here's the truth nobody tells you before having kids: 67% of couples experience a significant decline in marital satisfaction after their first child is born. The Journal of Family Psychology calls the transition to parenthood one of the biggest stressors a relationship will ever face.
But here's the hopeful part: it doesn't have to be this way.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who intentionally nurture their relationship during the parenting years don't just survive—they come out stronger. And couples who go on regular date nights are 14% less likely to split up over the following decade.
This guide gives you 25 research-backed strategies to protect your marriage while raising your children. Because the best gift you can give your kids? Parents who actually like each other.
The Real Numbers on Parenting & Marriage
Sources: Journal of Family Psychology, Ohio State University, Marriage Foundation, National Center for Health Statistics
Why Parenting Is So Hard on Marriages
Before we dive into solutions, let's understand the problem. When you know what you're up against, you can fight back smarter.
The Exhaustion Factor
Parents of young children are chronically exhausted. 57% of parents report experiencing burnout, according to Ohio State University research. When you're running on empty, you have nothing left to give your partner.
Exhaustion doesn't just make you tired—it makes you irritable, impatient, and reactive. The person who gets the worst of this? Usually your spouse. You hold it together for the kids, for work, for the world. Then you snap at the one person who should be your teammate.
If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, exhaustion is often the hidden culprit.
The Identity Shift
Becoming a parent changes everything—including how you see yourself. You go from being a partner, professional, and individual to being "Mom" or "Dad" first. Your identity merges with your children in ways you didn't expect.
This shift can leave both partners feeling invisible to each other. She misses the man who used to look at her with desire, not just as the person who knows where the pediatrician's number is. He misses the woman who used to laugh at his jokes, not just coordinate the family calendar.
Understanding the stages of a relationship helps normalize this transition—but normalizing it doesn't mean accepting disconnection as permanent.
The Division of Labor Problem
Research shows that even in dual-income households, women still do significantly more housework and childcare than men. The gender gap in household labor has narrowed—from a ratio of 1.8:1 in 2003 to 1.6:1 in 2023—but it hasn't closed.
This imbalance breeds resentment. And resentment is relationship poison.
The partner who feels overwhelmed by domestic responsibilities starts to see their spouse as another person to take care of rather than a source of support. Physical and emotional intimacy become impossible when one person feels like they're drowning alone.
⚠️ The Parent Trap: Why Good Marriages Struggle
Exhaustion Takes Over
Parents of young kids are chronically sleep-deprived. When you're running on empty, patience disappears—and your partner often bears the brunt.
Identity Disappears
You become "Mom" or "Dad" first—everything else second. Partners start to see each other as co-managers, not lovers.
Unequal Labor Breeds Resentment
When one partner handles most domestic duties, they feel like a servant—not a spouse. Resentment quietly poisons the relationship.
No Time Left for Each Other
Kids' needs are immediate. Marriage needs can wait—so they get pushed off indefinitely. Over years, couples become roommates.
💡 The good news: These patterns are predictable—and reversible—with intentional effort.
25 Strategies to Protect Your Marriage While Raising Kids
Communication: The Foundation of Everything
1. Have a Weekly "State of the Union" Meeting
Set aside 20-30 minutes each week to check in—not about the kids, not about logistics, but about your relationship. How are you both doing? What do you need? What's working and what isn't?
Use relationship check-in questions to guide these conversations if you're not sure where to start.
2. Fight Fair—And Not in Front of the Kids
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. What matters is how you handle it. Research shows that how couples argue predicts relationship success more than what they argue about.
Keep disagreements private. Kids who witness frequent parental conflict show more behavioral problems and emotional struggles. Download our Fair Fighting Rules for Couples to establish ground rules that protect both your relationship and your children.
3. Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Accusations
"I feel overwhelmed when I come home and the house is messy" lands very differently than "You never clean anything." The first opens dialogue. The second triggers defensiveness.
This is especially important when discussing parenting decisions or household responsibilities. Learning to communicate better in your relationship takes practice, but it pays dividends in reduced conflict.
4. Address Resentment Before It Festers
That tiny annoyance you're swallowing? It will grow. Unaddressed frustrations compound over time, creating emotional distance that's hard to bridge.
If you notice yourself keeping score—"I did the dishes three times this week and he did them once"—that's resentment building. Name it. Discuss it. Solve it together.
"The couples who thrive through the parenting years aren't the ones who never argue—they're the ones who address issues before resentment has time to build. Small frustrations ignored today become relationship-threatening problems in five years."
Making Time for Each Other
5. Schedule Date Nights Like Doctor's Appointments
Research from the National Marriage Project found that couples who go on regular date nights are 21 percentage points more likely to report being "very happy" with their relationship compared to couples who rarely date.
The key word is "regular." A date every few months won't cut it. Aim for at least twice a month—more if you can manage it.
Not sure what to do? Check out our Denver date ideas for couples or cheap date ideas that won't break the bank.
6. Create "Micro-Moments" of Connection
You don't need a babysitter to connect. Small moments throughout the day add up:
A 6-second kiss goodbye (long enough to actually feel something)
A 20-second hug when you reunite
Eye contact during conversation instead of looking at your phone
A genuine "How was your day?" followed by actual listening
These tiny rituals keep you feeling like partners, not just co-parents.
7. Go to Bed at the Same Time
Couples who go to bed together report higher relationship satisfaction. That late-night quiet time—even if you're both exhausted—creates space for conversation, cuddling, and yes, potentially intimacy.
If your schedules don't match, try meeting in bed for the first 15 minutes before the night owl gets up to continue their evening.
8. Put Phones Away During Family Time
Nothing kills connection faster than a partner who's physically present but mentally scrolling Instagram. Our article on how social media is shaping modern relationships explores this issue in depth.
Create phone-free zones: dinner time, the hour before bed, date nights. Your marriage deserves your full attention.
💜 Date Night Ideas for Busy Parents
Research shows monthly date nights reduce divorce risk by 14%. Here's how to make them happen:
At-Home Date
Cook together after kids sleep. Phone-free dinner for two.
Morning Coffee
Wake up early together before kids rise. 30 quiet minutes.
Movie Night
Stream something new. Popcorn, blankets, cuddling required.
Walking Date
Stroll through the neighborhood. Fresh air + conversation.
Game Night
Board games, card games, or couples' conversation cards.
Babysitter Night
Dinner out. Dancing. Adventure. Whatever you loved pre-kids.
🔑 The key: Schedule it like a doctor's appointment. Put it on the calendar. Protect that time.
Sharing the Load
9. Divide Responsibilities Based on Strengths, Not Gender
Forget traditional roles. Who's better at cooking? Let them cook. Who has more patience for homework? They're on homework duty. Who notices when supplies are running low? They manage the shopping list.
Dividing labor based on actual skills and preferences—rather than assumptions—reduces resentment and increases efficiency.
10. Make the Invisible Visible
Much of the work in running a household is invisible: remembering to schedule the dentist, noticing the kids need new shoes, knowing when the dog's medicine runs out. This "mental load" often falls disproportionately on one partner.
Make a list of everything that goes into running your household. Everything. Then divide it consciously rather than letting it default to whoever "notices" first.
11. Express Appreciation—Especially for the Mundane
A simple "Thank you for handling dinner tonight" goes a long way. Research shows that couples who express gratitude regularly report higher relationship satisfaction.
Don't assume your partner knows you appreciate them. Say it out loud. Often.
12. Build a Support System
You weren't meant to do this alone. Lean on grandparents, friends, neighbors, babysitters. Accepting help isn't weakness—it's wisdom.
Couples with strong support networks experience less parenting stress and more relationship satisfaction. If you're struggling to find help, read about why asking for help when needed is essential for your wellbeing.
✅ Fair Division of Labor Checklist
Use this to have a productive conversation about who handles what:
👶 Childcare Tasks
- ☐ Morning routine (wake, dress, feed)
- ☐ School/daycare drop-off & pick-up
- ☐ Homework help
- ☐ Bedtime routine
- ☐ Middle-of-night wake-ups
- ☐ Doctor/dentist appointments
🏠 Household Tasks
- ☐ Meal planning & grocery shopping
- ☐ Cooking & cleanup
- ☐ Laundry (wash, fold, put away)
- ☐ Cleaning bathrooms & kitchen
- ☐ Vacuuming & general tidying
- ☐ Yard work & home maintenance
🧠 The "Mental Load" (Often Invisible)
Keeping Intimacy Alive
13. Talk About Sex—Even When It's Awkward
Sexual frequency typically drops after having children. That's normal. What's not healthy is pretending everything's fine when it isn't.
Have honest conversations about your needs, desires, and barriers. If you're experiencing a sexless marriage or your partner doesn't want to have sex, avoiding the topic only makes it worse.
14. Prioritize Physical Affection (Beyond Sex)
Touch matters even when sex isn't happening. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, a back rub while watching TV—these small physical connections maintain intimacy during dry spells.
Research shows that couples who maintain physical affection report higher relationship satisfaction, regardless of sexual frequency.
15. Schedule Intimacy If You Have To
Yes, it sounds unromantic. But spontaneity is a luxury many parents can't afford. Scheduling ensures sex actually happens instead of always getting pushed aside by exhaustion.
Think of it as anticipation building rather than romance killing. Download our Couples Intimacy and Bonding Guide for more ideas on rebuilding physical connection.
16. Address Emotional Intimacy Too
Physical intimacy often follows emotional intimacy. If you feel emotionally distant from your partner, sex becomes another chore rather than a connection.
Work on deepening emotional intimacy first. Share vulnerabilities. Ask meaningful questions. Be genuinely curious about your partner's inner world.
🔥 Rekindling Intimacy After Kids
It's normal for intimacy to change after kids. Here's how to reconnect:
Talk About It
Avoiding the topic makes it worse. Have honest conversations about needs, desires, and barriers. What's working? What isn't? No judgment.
Non-Sexual Touch
Hold hands. Cuddle. Back rubs. A 20-second hug. Physical affection without pressure maintains connection during dry spells.
Schedule It
Spontaneity is a luxury parents can't afford. Scheduling intimacy isn't unromantic—it's realistic. Think of it as anticipation.
Emotional First
Physical intimacy follows emotional connection. Share vulnerabilities. Ask meaningful questions. Be curious about your partner's inner world.
Staying United as Parents
17. Present a United Front
Kids are expert negotiators. They'll find any crack between parents and exploit it. When you disagree about parenting decisions, hash it out privately—then present a consistent message to your children.
This doesn't mean one partner steamrolls the other. It means you discuss, compromise, and commit to supporting each other's decisions in front of the kids.
18. Define Your Parenting Style Together
Are you authoritative or permissive? What are your non-negotiables? What battles aren't worth fighting? Getting aligned on these questions prevents daily conflicts about discipline and expectations.
19. Don't Compete for "Best Parent" Status
Parenting isn't a competition. When one parent criticizes how the other does things—"That's not how you cut grapes" or "You're not supposed to let them watch that much TV"—it creates resentment and undermines confidence.
Unless there's a safety issue, let your partner parent their way. Different approaches can coexist.
20. Remember: Your Marriage Is the Foundation
Putting your marriage first isn't selfish—it's strategic. Children benefit enormously from having parents in a strong, loving relationship. When your marriage thrives, your whole family thrives.
This doesn't mean neglecting your kids. It means not neglecting each other.
"Your marriage is the foundation your entire family is built on. When you invest in your relationship, you're not taking something away from your kids—you're giving them the gift of security, stability, and a model for what healthy love looks like."
Taking Care of Yourself
21. Protect Your Individual Identity
You're a parent, but you're also a person. Maintain hobbies, friendships, and interests outside of parenting and your marriage.
When you nurture your individual self, you have more to bring back to your relationship. A happier, more fulfilled you makes a better partner.
22. Manage Your Own Mental Health
Parenting with untreated anxiety, depression, or burnout is exponentially harder. Your mental health affects your marriage, your parenting, and your children's wellbeing.
If you're struggling, seek help. Individual therapy can give you tools to manage stress and be present for your family.
23. Practice Self-Compassion
Perfect parents don't exist. Perfect partners don't exist. You're going to mess up—probably daily. What matters is how you recover.
Stop beating yourself up for not doing it all. Nobody can. Letting go of perfectionism is a gift to yourself and your family.
When to Get Help
24. Don't Wait for Crisis to Seek Couples Therapy
Most couples wait an average of six years after problems start before seeking therapy. By then, patterns are deeply entrenched and resentment has built up for years.
Couples therapy isn't just for relationships in trouble. It's for any couple who wants to strengthen their connection and build skills. Think of it as preventive maintenance, not emergency repair.
Not sure if you need it? Take our Is My Relationship in Trouble Quiz to assess where you stand.
25. Consider Family Therapy Too
Sometimes relationship issues are tangled up with family dynamics. Family therapy addresses the whole system—parents, children, and how everyone interacts.
This is especially valuable if you're dealing with blended families, co-parenting after divorce, or kids who are struggling with the family's stress.
🚨 Signs It's Time for Professional Help
If you recognize these patterns, don't wait—early intervention prevents bigger problems:
You feel like roommates, not partners
Conversation is only logistics. Emotional and physical connection has disappeared.
Small conflicts escalate into major fights
Arguments about dishes turn into screaming matches about everything.
One or both of you have "checked out"
Emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or indifference to your partner's feelings.
You're keeping score constantly
Deep resentment about who does more, who sacrifices more, who contributes more.
You fantasize about being single
Thoughts about divorce or life alone are becoming more frequent and appealing.
The kids are being affected
Children showing anxiety, behavioral changes, or asking if you're going to divorce.
The Science of What Works
Research consistently shows that certain factors predict which couples thrive through the parenting years:
Marital friendship: The Gottman Institute found that couples with a strong foundation of friendship are significantly more resilient during the transition to parenthood. Only 33% of mothers with strong marital friendships experienced declining satisfaction after birth, compared to 67% overall.
Intentionality: Couples who go on monthly date nights are 14% less likely to split up over the next decade. Not because dates are magic, but because they signal commitment to the relationship.
Shared responsibility: When both partners actively participate in childcare and housework—not just "helping" but truly sharing ownership—relationship satisfaction remains higher.
Emotional support: Partners who feel supported by each other experience less parenting stress and burnout. Being able to vent, process, and lean on each other makes the hard moments bearable.
📊 What Research Says Actually Works
Evidence-based factors that predict which couples thrive through the parenting years:
Marital Friendship
Only 33% of couples with strong friendships declined after baby vs. 67% overall
Monthly Date Nights
14% lower divorce risk over 10 years for couples who date monthly
Shared Responsibility
Active participation—not just "helping"—keeps satisfaction higher
Emotional Support
Partners who feel supported experience less burnout and stronger bonds
Common Mistakes Parents Make in Their Marriages
Child-centered living: When every decision revolves around the children, the marriage becomes an afterthought. Your kids don't need to be the center of the universe—they need parents who model healthy relationships.
Putting romance "on hold": "We'll focus on us when the kids are older." But habits built during these years persist. Couples who neglect each other for 18+ years often find they've become strangers by the time the nest empties.
Venting to everyone except your partner: Complaining about your spouse to friends, family, or online strangers undermines your marriage. Bring your concerns to your partner first.
Letting go of yourself: Completely sacrificing your health, appearance, and wellbeing doesn't make you a better parent—it makes you a depleted one. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others.
Avoiding difficult conversations: Topics like money, sex, parenting disagreements, and future plans don't get easier by ignoring them. They get harder.
🚫 5 Marriage Mistakes Parents Make
Child-Centered Living
When every decision revolves around the kids, your marriage becomes an afterthought. Kids don't need to be the center of the universe.
Putting Romance "On Hold"
"We'll focus on us when kids are older." But habits built now persist. 18 years of neglect creates strangers, not partners.
Venting to Everyone Except Your Partner
Complaining to friends, family, or social media about your spouse undermines your marriage. Bring concerns to your partner first.
Completely Sacrificing Yourself
Neglecting your health, appearance, and wellbeing doesn't make you a better parent—it makes you a depleted one.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Topics like money, sex, and parenting disagreements don't get easier by ignoring them. They get harder—much harder.
Special Challenges for Parents
The First Year After Baby
The first year of parenthood is uniquely brutal. Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, identity shifts, and learning curve stress all pile on at once.
Research shows marital satisfaction typically drops sharply in the first year, then partially recovers. Knowing this is normal can help you weather it without panicking.
Read more about navigating emotional distance after baby and when to seek support.
Multiple Children
Each additional child adds complexity. You're now juggling multiple schedules, needs, and personalities—while still trying to maintain your relationship.
The couples who manage this well are extremely intentional about protecting their connection time. It doesn't happen accidentally.
Working Parents
When both partners work full-time, the household crunch is even more intense. Career demands compete with parenting demands compete with marriage demands.
Something has to give—make sure it's not always your relationship. Read about how to strengthen your relationship during life's big transitions.
Special Needs Children
Parenting a child with special needs adds layers of stress, appointments, advocacy, and emotional labor. Divorce rates are higher among parents of children with disabilities.
These couples especially benefit from therapy support, respite care, and intentional relationship maintenance.
Your Marriage After the Kids Are Gone
Here's a sobering statistic: the divorce rate among couples aged 55-64 has more than doubled since 1990. Many of these "gray divorces" happen after children leave home.
Why? Couples who poured everything into parenting suddenly discover they have nothing left in common. They've been roommates for so long they don't know how to be lovers again.
The habits you build now determine who you'll be in 20 years. Invest in your marriage while the kids are home, and you'll have something to look forward to when they're not.
💜 The Vision: Your Marriage in 20 Years
The habits you build now determine who you'll be when the kids leave:
😢 Without Intention
- Empty nest = empty marriage
- Strangers who share a house
- Nothing in common anymore
- "Gray divorce" statistics
- Regret about lost years
🥰 With Intention
- Empty nest = new adventures
- Best friends who chose each other
- Shared history and inside jokes
- Excitement for the next chapter
- Pride in the life you built
The best gift you can give your children is parents who actually like each other—
not just today, but for the rest of their lives.
Start Today
You don't need to overhaul everything at once. Pick one or two strategies from this guide and commit to them this week.
Maybe it's scheduling a date night. Maybe it's having that overdue conversation about division of labor. Maybe it's simply putting your phone down during dinner.
Small, consistent actions compound over time. The couple who connects for 20 minutes a day builds a different relationship than the couple who doesn't.
Your kids need you. But they also need to see what a healthy relationship looks like. The best thing you can do for your children is love their other parent well.
Need Support?
Balancing parenting and romance is challenging—you don't have to figure it out alone.
At South Denver Therapy, we specialize in helping couples navigate the demanding years of parenting while keeping their connection strong. Whether you need a few sessions to get back on track or deeper work to address long-standing patterns, we're here to help.
Our couples therapy services include:
Couples Counseling - Weekly sessions to strengthen your relationship
Couples Counseling Intensives - Accelerated progress for busy schedules
Online Therapy in Colorado - Connect from home after the kids are in bed
Book a Free 15-Minute Consultation to discuss how we can support your marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions About Balancing Parenting and Marriage
How do you keep the romance alive after having kids?
Keeping the romance alive after having kids takes intentional effort. Schedule regular date nights, even if it's just a quiet dinner at home after the kids go to bed. Make small gestures of affection throughout the day, like a kiss goodbye or a quick text to say "I love you." Prioritize quality time together, communicate openly about your needs, and remember that your relationship is the foundation of your family.
How often should couples have date nights when they have children?
Ideally, couples should aim for a date night at least once a week or every other week. If that feels impossible with your schedule, start with what you can manage, even if it's once a month. The key is consistency and making your relationship a priority. Date nights don't have to be expensive or elaborate. A walk together, a movie at home, or coffee on the patio after bedtime all count.
Why is it important to prioritize your marriage when you have kids?
Maintaining a healthy marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your children. Kids thrive when their parents have a loving, stable relationship because it creates a secure environment and models healthy relationship skills. When you invest in your marriage, you're also investing in your family's overall well-being and giving your children a strong foundation.
How do you communicate better with your spouse when you're exhausted from parenting?
Start by acknowledging that you're both tired and that's okay. Choose the right moments for important conversations, not when you're both running on empty. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blame, and practice active listening when your partner shares. Even brief check-ins during the day can help you stay connected without requiring a lot of energy.
What are some simple ways to stay connected as a couple during busy parenting years?
Small daily gestures go a long way. Send a loving text during the day, hold hands while watching TV, or take five minutes to talk without distractions before bed. Cook dinner together, share a cup of coffee in the morning, or take a short walk as a family. These little moments of connection add up and help you feel like partners, not just co-parents.
How do you handle disagreements about parenting without hurting your relationship?
Discuss parenting decisions privately, away from your children, so you can present a united front. Avoid criticizing each other's parenting in the moment. Instead, set aside time to talk calmly about your concerns and find compromises that work for both of you. Remember you're on the same team, and approach disagreements with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Is it normal to feel disconnected from your partner after having a baby?
Yes, it's very common and you're not alone. The transition to parenthood is one of the biggest changes a couple can experience. Sleep deprivation, new responsibilities, and shifting priorities can leave you feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. The good news is that with awareness and effort, you can rebuild your connection. Many couples find that seeking support from a therapist helps them navigate this transition.
When should couples consider therapy for help balancing parenting and their relationship?
Consider couples therapy if you're feeling consistently disconnected, having frequent arguments that don't get resolved, or struggling to find time for each other despite your best efforts. A therapist can help you improve communication, work through resentment, and develop strategies for balancing parenting with your relationship. You don't have to wait until things are in crisis. Seeking help early can prevent small issues from becoming bigger problems.
Free Resources for Couples
Daily Connection Guide - Simple habits to stay close
Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Argue without damaging your bond
Free Couples Communication Workbook - Improve how you talk and listen
Couples Connection Toolkit - Exercises for building closeness
Relationship Health Checklist - Assess where you stand
Relationship Quizzes
Love Language Quiz - Understand how you give and receive love
Attachment Style Quiz - Learn your relationship patterns
Conflict Style Quiz - Discover how you handle disagreements
Is My Relationship in Trouble Quiz - Assess your relationship health
