12 Signs You Need Couples Therapy: When to Seek Help
Every relationship goes through rough patches. Arguments happen. Stress takes its toll. But how do you know when normal relationship challenges have crossed into territory that needs professional help?
According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, couples wait an average of six years of unhappiness before seeking counseling. Six years of building resentment. Six years of deepening wounds. Six years of missing opportunities to heal.
The couples who thrive are the ones who recognize warning signs early and get help before small issues become big ones. Research shows that couples therapy has success rates as high as 90% when couples seek help at the right time.
Here are 12 signs that your relationship could benefit from couples therapy.
The Case for Early Intervention
Source: Gottman Institute Research
Sign #1: You're Fighting More Than Connecting
Every couple argues. That's normal and even healthy when done right. But when fighting becomes your primary mode of interaction, something is wrong.
Warning signs:
Small disagreements quickly escalate into big fights
You argue about the same things over and over
Conversations turn into competitions to "win"
You feel like you're walking on eggshells
One or both partners bring up past grievances during fights
The Gottman Institute research shows that healthy relationships maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. If your balance has tipped toward negativity, it's time to address it.
Conflict management strategies can help, but when you can't implement them on your own, a therapist provides the structure you need.
⚖️ Where Does Your Relationship Fall?
- Affection & appreciation
- Active listening
- Support & empathy
- Shared laughter
- Criticism & contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Yelling & fighting
Sign #2: Communication Has Broken Down
Communication is the lifeblood of relationships. When it breaks down, everything else suffers.
Signs of communication breakdown:
Conversations feel like talking to a wall
One or both partners shut down during discussions
You avoid bringing up important topics
Misunderstandings happen constantly
You feel unheard or dismissed
Some couples stop talking altogether. Others talk but never really connect. Either pattern leaves partners feeling disconnected and alone.
Couples therapy teaches communication skills that many people never learned. A therapist can help you understand each other's communication styles and find common ground.
🚨 Signs of Communication Breakdown
Sign #3: You Feel Emotionally Disconnected
Remember when you couldn't wait to see your partner? When you shared everything and felt truly known? If that connection has faded, you're not alone—but it deserves attention.
Signs of emotional disconnection:
You feel like roommates rather than partners
You don't share your thoughts, feelings, or daily experiences
Quality time together feels awkward or forced
You don't turn to each other for support
Loneliness in your marriage has become normal
Emotional disconnection often happens gradually. Life gets busy. Stress accumulates. Before you know it, the person who was once your best friend feels like a stranger.
Building emotional intimacy takes intentional effort. Therapy provides a roadmap for reconnecting.
💔 From Partners to Roommates
This disconnect often happens gradually—you can rebuild the connection.
Sign #4: Trust Has Been Broken
Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. When it's damaged—whether through infidelity, lies, or broken promises—the entire relationship suffers.
Trust-breaking behaviors include:
Affairs (physical or emotional)
Hiding financial information or spending
Keeping significant secrets
Repeatedly breaking promises
Gaslighting or manipulative behavior
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is possible, but it rarely happens without professional help. Therapy provides a structured environment to process the hurt, understand what happened, and create new patterns of honesty.
🔓 Trust-Breaking Behaviors
Trust can be rebuilt—but it requires commitment, transparency, and often professional help.
Sign #5: Intimacy Has Disappeared
Physical and emotional intimacy often decline together. While it's normal for passion to change over the years, a significant decrease signals problems.
Warning signs about intimacy:
Sex has become rare or nonexistent
Physical affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding) has stopped
Intimacy feels forced or mechanical
You've stopped trying to connect physically
A sexless marriage doesn't happen overnight. Usually, underlying issues—resentment, stress, body image, or medical problems—are to blame. Therapy helps uncover the root causes and creates a path forward.
💕 Warning Signs About Intimacy
Sex has become rare or stopped entirely
Hugs, kisses, hand-holding have stopped
One partner regularly turns the other away
Intimacy feels forced or like a chore
Sign #6: The Four Horsemen Have Arrived
Dr. Gottman identified four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with 93% accuracy. He calls them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
The Four Horsemen:
Criticism: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing specific behaviors. "You always..." or "You never..."
Contempt: Treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling. This is the biggest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness: Refusing to take responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking when your partner raises concerns.
Stonewalling: Shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage during conflicts.
If these patterns have become regular in your relationship, professional intervention is critical. A therapist can help you replace these destructive habits with healthier alternatives.
🐴 The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
Dr. Gottman's research predicts divorce with 93% accuracy when these patterns appear
✓ These patterns can be replaced with healthier alternatives through therapy
Sign #7: You're Keeping Secrets
Healthy relationships don't require sharing every thought, but they do require honesty about important matters. Secret-keeping erodes trust and creates distance.
Concerning secrets include:
Hidden friendships or relationships
Undisclosed spending or debt
Secret social media accounts or messages
Lying about where you've been or who you've seen
Hiding significant feelings or concerns
Financial infidelity is particularly common and damaging. Money represents security, freedom, and power—hiding financial information betrays all of these.
If you're keeping secrets because you fear your partner's reaction, that's information worth exploring in therapy.
🔐 Concerning Secrets in Relationships
If you're keeping secrets because you fear your partner's reaction, that's worth exploring in therapy.
Sign #8: You're Considering Separation or Divorce
If divorce has crossed your mind, that's a sign your relationship needs attention. Even if you're just "thinking about it," those thoughts mean something is seriously wrong.
Questions to ask yourself:
Do I fantasize about life without my partner?
Have I imagined a trial separation?
Do I feel like I'd be happier alone?
Have I started detaching emotionally?
Am I staying only for the kids or finances?
Discernment counseling helps couples who are on the fence about staying together. It's not about convincing you to stay—it's about making a clear, thoughtful decision.
💭 Questions to Ask Yourself
If you answered yes to any, discernment counseling can help you make a clear decision.
Sign #9: A Major Life Transition Is Straining Your Bond
Life transitions—even positive ones—can stress relationships. Changes disrupt routines, expectations, and dynamics that couples have grown comfortable with.
Transitions that commonly challenge couples:
Job loss or career changes
Moving to a new location
Illness or health challenges
Retirement
Caring for aging parents
These transitions don't have to damage your relationship—they can actually strengthen it. But that requires working through challenges together rather than letting them drive you apart.
🔄 Life Transitions That Challenge Couples
These transitions can strengthen your bond—with the right support.
Sign #10: You're Stuck in the Same Patterns
Do you feel like you're living in Groundhog Day? The same arguments, the same dynamics, the same disappointing outcomes—over and over?
Signs you're stuck in patterns:
Arguments follow predictable scripts
You know exactly what your partner will say before they say it
Nothing seems to change despite your efforts
You feel hopeless about improvement
The pursuer-withdrawer dynamic has taken hold
Patterns develop for reasons. Often they trace back to attachment styles, family of origin experiences, or unmet needs. A therapist helps you understand why you're stuck and how to create new patterns.
🔁 Signs You're Stuck in Patterns
Arguments follow the same pattern every time
You know exactly what they'll say before they say it
Nothing seems to change despite efforts
One chases while the other pulls away
Sign #11: One Partner Is Dealing with Individual Issues
Individual mental health challenges affect relationships. When one partner struggles, both partners—and the relationship itself—often suffer.
Individual issues that impact relationships:
Trauma or PTSD
Addiction (substances, gambling, pornography)
Sometimes individual therapy is needed alongside couples work. Other times, addressing relationship issues helps individual symptoms improve. A therapist can help you figure out the best approach.
The "3 A's"—adultery, addiction, and abuse—are particularly serious indicators that professional help is essential.
🧠 Individual Issues That Affect Relationships
When one partner struggles, both partners—and the relationship—suffer
The 3 A's: Adultery, Addiction, and Abuse are particularly serious indicators that professional help is essential.
Sign #12: You've Already Tried Everything
Have you read the books? Tried the communication techniques? Made agreements that never stick? Sometimes couples need more than self-help.
Signs you need professional guidance:
Self-help strategies haven't worked
You've tried to change but can't on your own
You don't know what else to do
Arguments about trying to fix things have become their own problem
You feel stuck and hopeless
There's no shame in needing help. Couples therapy provides structure, accountability, and expertise that self-help can't offer.
📚 When Self-Help Isn't Enough
But techniques didn't stick
That never lasted
But can't on your own
Don't know what else to do
There's no shame in needing help. Therapy provides structure, accountability, and expertise.
You Don't Have to Be in Crisis
Here's something many people don't realize: couples therapy isn't just for relationships in crisis. In fact, early intervention leads to the best outcomes.
Good reasons to seek therapy even without crisis:
Premarital counseling to build a strong foundation
Relationship "tune-ups" to maintain connection
Learning skills before problems develop
Processing life transitions together
Deepening emotional intimacy
Think of therapy like physical fitness. You don't wait until you have a heart attack to start exercising. The same principle applies to relationship health.
✨ Therapy Isn't Just for Crisis
Think of it like fitness: you don't wait for a heart attack to start exercising.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy
If you've never been to couples counseling, you might wonder what actually happens. Here's a typical overview:
First sessions:
Get to know your therapist and build trust
Share your relationship history
Identify your goals for therapy
Discuss current challenges
Ongoing sessions:
Learn communication skills
Understand relationship patterns
Process difficult emotions together
Practice new ways of interacting
Address specific issues (trust, intimacy, conflict)
Between sessions:
Practice skills at home
Complete exercises or homework
Notice patterns and bring observations back
Most couples see significant improvement within 8-12 sessions, though some issues require longer treatment.
📋 What to Expect in Couples Therapy
Most couples see significant improvement within 8-12 sessions.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Therapy
Bringing up couples therapy can feel awkward. You might worry your partner will take it as an attack or refuse. Here are some approaches:
Do:
Choose a calm moment, not during a fight
Use "we" language: "I think we could benefit from..."
Focus on what you want to build, not just problems
Share that you care about the relationship enough to invest in it
Acknowledge your own role in challenges
Don't:
Present it as an ultimatum
Suggest your partner is the "problem"
Bring it up during conflict
Use therapy as a threat
If your partner resists, read our guide on how to get your partner to go to couples therapy. Sometimes starting with individual therapy can open the door.
💬 How to Bring Up Therapy
- • Choose a calm moment
- • Use "we" language
- • Focus on building, not just problems
- • Show you care enough to invest
- • Acknowledge your own role
- • Present as ultimatum
- • Suggest they're the "problem"
- • Bring it up during conflict
- • Use therapy as a threat
- • Expect immediate agreement
Take the First Step
Recognizing these signs in your relationship takes courage. Taking action takes even more. But you don't have to keep struggling.
At South Denver Therapy, we help couples in Castle Rock, Parker, Denver, and throughout Colorado build stronger, healthier relationships.
Take our relationship quiz to assess your connection.
Our experienced couples therapists use evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy. We offer both in-person and online couples counseling to fit your needs.
Ready to strengthen your relationship?
Contact us for a consultation
Download our Couples Communication Workbook
Explore our free relationship resources
Learn about couples counseling intensives for accelerated progress
Don't wait six more years. Your relationship—and you—deserve better.
Don't Wait 6 More Years
Your relationship—and you—deserve better.
90% success rate when couples seek help early
Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy
How do I know if my relationship needs couples therapy?
Key signs include constant fighting, communication breakdown, feeling emotionally disconnected, lack of intimacy, broken trust, recurring conflicts that never resolve, considering separation, and feeling like roommates rather than partners. If self-help strategies haven't worked or you feel stuck in negative patterns, it's time to seek professional help. You don't need to be in crisis—early intervention leads to the best outcomes.
How long do couples wait before seeking therapy?
According to Dr. John Gottman's research, couples wait an average of six years of unhappiness before seeking help. That's six years of building resentment and deepening wounds. By the time most couples arrive at therapy, significant damage has been done. The sooner you seek help, the easier it is to repair your relationship.
Does couples therapy actually work?
Yes, couples therapy has success rates as high as 90% when couples seek help at the right time. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps 70-75% of distressed couples move from distress to recovery. The key factors for success include both partners being willing to participate, finding a qualified therapist, and committing to the process.
What happens in the first couples therapy session?
In the first session, you'll get to know your therapist and build trust. You'll share your relationship history, discuss current challenges, and identify your goals for therapy. The therapist creates a safe space for both partners to speak. Some therapists also meet individually with each partner early in treatment. First sessions focus on assessment—understanding what's happening before jumping into solutions.
Can couples therapy help if only one partner wants to go?
Ideally both partners attend, but therapy can still help if one is reluctant. Sometimes one partner starting individual therapy opens the door. You can also work on your own communication and behavior patterns. A skilled therapist can sometimes help the willing partner develop strategies that positively influence the relationship. However, long-term success usually requires both partners' participation.
How much does couples therapy cost?
Costs vary widely depending on location, therapist credentials, and session length. Sessions typically range from $100-$300 per hour. Some therapists accept insurance, while others offer sliding scale fees based on income. Many couples find that investing in therapy is far less expensive than divorce—both financially and emotionally.
What are the Four Horsemen in relationships?
Dr. Gottman identified four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with 93% accuracy: (1) Criticism—attacking your partner's character, (2) Contempt—treating them with disrespect or mockery, (3) Defensiveness—refusing to take responsibility, and (4) Stonewalling—shutting down and refusing to engage. If these patterns are common in your relationship, professional help is critical.
Is it too late for couples therapy?
It's rarely too late, but earlier is better. Even couples on the brink of divorce have rebuilt their relationships with professional help. However, both partners must be willing to try. If one partner has completely checked out emotionally, discernment counseling can help clarify whether to work on the relationship or separate thoughtfully.
How long does couples therapy take?
Most couples see significant improvement within 8-12 sessions, though some issues require longer treatment. Severe trust violations like infidelity typically take 1-2 years to fully heal. The timeline depends on the severity of issues, both partners' commitment, and how long problems have existed. Short-term intensive options exist for couples who want accelerated progress.
What if my partner refuses couples therapy?
Start by having a calm conversation about why you think therapy could help—focus on building something better, not just fixing problems. Avoid ultimatums or making them feel like the "problem." If they still refuse, consider starting individual therapy yourself. Sometimes when one partner makes positive changes, it opens the door for the other. A therapist can also help you navigate this situation.
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